TOP FIFTEEN KNIGHTMARE VILLAINS

Part Three

By Richard Temple

5. Snapper-Jack (Series 8): This kidnapper prowled the Dungeon in the final series looking to kidnap fools. He had a snapdragon for an arm called Snapper. His original arm had been bitten off by a snapdragon and Snapper had grown in place of it. This character is often criticised for being too much like a pantomime character for the Knightmare Dungeon, but he is one of my fondest memories from that final (and admittedly unsatisfying) series. Whenever he appeared on screen I found myself laughing; I think he rivals Sylvester Hands for the most comical villain ever, though he never caught a dungeoneer.

4. Sylvester Hands (Series 5-8): Lord Fear’s longest-serving henchman was a member of the Honourable Guild of Beggars, and served Lord Fear relatively faithfully for four years. He was often used for comic relief as he was hard to take seriously, but he can claim one victim as he caught January with his magic rope. I never found Hands scary or threatening; merely funny and revolting. My favourite Sly moments are him singing his Ten Dead Goblins song, fishing in a barrel on his day off (D-A-Y-O-R-F) and his capture of January, the only time he appeared to be really villainous.

3. Julius Scaramonger (Series 5-6): Rayner Bourton played two brilliant Knightmare villains: Skarkill and Julius Scaramonger. This shifty trader would try to fob dungeoneers off with false passwords and useless spells (this resulted in the death of one dungeoneer, Chris III). He also tried several times unsuccessfully to buy the eye shield (the artefact, not this magazine). He became more of a Fear henchman in series 6 when Ah Wok set up shop to rival Scaramonger and cost him money. He tried to have Ah Wok killed, but failed. He later helped Lord Fear to obtain the red dragon, Red Death, with which Lord Fear attempted to destroy Knightmare Castle. Julius developed a drink problem and left the Dungeon broke and depressed. One of the most memorable characters in Knightmare’s history, he was far superior to his successor, Honesty Bartram.

2. Skarkill, the Goblin Master (Series 5-6): Lord Fear’s original henchman and goblin master. Skarkill stalked the levels in series 5 and 6 with his goblins, Grippa and Rhark, and the hobgoblin, Tiny. Skarkill attempted to capture dungeoneers with his manacles. Although mostly loyal to Lord Fear, he could be bribed with gold and gems. In fact it was the lack of such objects that led to the kidnapping of Richard by Skarkill in series 5 (Skarkill’s only catch), when the team tried to pass off a goblin horn as a magic horn. This, coupled with his gravely voice, his eye-patch and his bloodthirsty catchphrase (“Lovely!”) made Skarkill a very real and threatening presence in any quest. The end came for Skarkill in series 6 when, suffering from a broken leg at the hands of Tiny, he was crushed under Red Death when the dragon crashed on top of Mount Fear, breaking his other leg and rendering him useless to Lord Fear.

1. Lord Fear (Series 5-8): The evil techno-sorcerer is the undisputed greatest Knightmare villain of all time.  From series 5 right up until the end of series 8 Lord Fear ruled the lower levels without equal, Aesandre being the one exception. He devised all sorts of evil schemes, from sending Red Death to destroy Knightmare castle to capturing Brollachan to use as a dragon-slayer. Employing a whole army of henchmen and monsters, Lord Fear certainly put a stop to a lot of quests, albeit not in person. Mark Knight played the leader of the opposition for the last four series of Knightmare, and became part of Knightmare history by personifying its final years, playing Lord Fear for both comic and menacing effect. Even though Lord Fear usually got his comeuppance at some point (like being cast into his own communications pool by a team in series 6 with a SPLASH spell) he always came back, in his own words: ”Bigger, bolder, badder and better equipped.” This makes Lord Fear my top Knightmare villain of all time.

Thanks for that, Richard. I’m surprised Mogdred didn’t do anything for you, though. I think he’s pant-wettingly scary. Still, life would be boring if we all felt the same about everything.