MY TOP TEN WORST TEAMS OF ALL TIME
Yes, here they are, the ten quests which I think are the worst attempts to master the Dungeon. Bear in mind that I don’t hate watching all of these quests – some of them are very enjoyable, in fact. Purely from the point of view of how good a stab at playing the game each team had, these are the ten that I think made the least laudable attempts. If anyone wants to send me their own list then I’ll be pleased to include it in a future issue of TES.
10. Martin, John, Lee and Tony.
Home town: Sunderland, Tyne and Wear.
Quest: The Sword of Justice.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Series 2, episode 1.
A very short and unimpressive start to series 2. This team got two riddles right with Olgarth, but didn’t bother to examine the clue objects closely enough to avoid being blown up. ”The armourer’s gauntlet could have saved you, but the secret of its use you never learned.” – Treguard.
9. Duncan, Ian, Deborah and Richard.
Home town: Windsor, Berkshire.
Quest: The Sword of Freedom.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Series 5, episodes 14 and 15.
A one-man guidance team and an inability to count levels in the Descender spelled doom for Duncan’s dreary band. ”You missed your station, and now Duncan is missing parts of his body.” – Treguard.
8. James, Philip, Puerk and Jamie.
Home town: Felixstowe, Suffolk.
Quest: The Shield of Liberty.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Series 3, episodes 6 and 7.
A very boring and unremarkable team, who sent their dungeoneer straight off a suspended floor and into a pit! ”Little hope there is for those who haven’t learned to fly!” – Treguard.
7. Jenna, Andrea, Kelly and Anna.
Home town: Exeter, Devon.
Quest: The Crown.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Series 5, episodes 9 and 10.
Hot on the heels of Ben’s winning team came these very mediocre girls. They weren’t doing all that badly, I suppose, but they stupidly stepped off the true path on the Causeway, and paid the price. ”Chose the right path, but you didn’t stay on it!” – Treguard.
6. Anthony, Darren, Alan and Mark.
Home town: Ash, Hampshire.
Quest: The Shield of Justice.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Series 2, episodes 13 and 14.
A very poor and dreary team, whose inability to read labels on bottles caused them to fall foul of Lillith. ”If you can’t read labels then you can’t read the writing on the wall.” – Treguard.
5. Akash, Kirsten, Carrie and Tanya.
Home town: Sutton and Worcester Park, Greater London.
Quest: The Sword of Justice.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Series 2, episode 7.
What a complete shambles this quest was! With no ice pack for Lillith, Akash fell to his doom. ”Ooh, nasty. Poor old Akash!” – Treguard.
4. Richard, Rebecca, Angela and Rowena.
Home town: Bracknell, Berkshire.
Quest: The Crown.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Series 8, episode 1.
You all know what I think of this laughable effort. They ignored the obvious scroll clues, and burned their dungeoneer as a result: ”Oh good, a tasty helping of dinner.” – Bhal-Shebah.
3. Mave, Christina, David and Lee.
Home town: Rawtenstall and Edenfield, Lancashire.
Quest: To survive the Dungeon.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Series 1, episodes 1 and 2.
The second-ever quest was a load of rubbish really, but the team were very much being used as guinea-pigs for the whole format. If only they’d remembered to take two objects from Granitas, perhaps Lillith would have let Mave through. ”What a shame you didn’t take the comb when it was so obviously needed.” – Treguard.
2. Douglas, Derek, Matthew and Richard.
Home town: Weston-Super-Mare, Avon.
Quest: The Crown.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Series 3, episodes 9 and 10.
This was a complete waste of time from start to finish, and ended in a well-deserved bomb explosion. ”Ooh, what a terrible mess!” – Treguard.
1. Oliver, Anthony, David and Matthew.
Home town: Leicester and Melton Mowbray, Leicestershire.
Quest: The Shield of Justice.
Level reached: 3.
Time on Knightmare: Series 8, episode 10.
I’ve always made no secret of the fact that I hate this quest, and it’s definitely my least favourite of all time. The team was rubbish, the situations were forced and rushed, and the whole thing was completely pointless and blighted the last few minutes of Knightmare’s run-time. It’s an abomination! ”We can begin a quest, but the big question is, can we finish one?” – Treguard.