Trade in the Old for the New

By Richard Temple

Deep within the third level of the Knightmare Dungeon, a brave dungeoneer was progressing rapidly towards the Opposition’s stronghold of Marblehead. Within the dank and gloomy confines of Marblehead tower, Lord Fear was raging at the reason for the dungeoneer’s quick progress through the level: his own trader, Honesty Bartram.

   “Bartram, you idiot!” Lord Fear yelled. “I told you under no circumstances to let any little dungeoneers get their grubby little paws on that map! And what do you do? You go and sell it to one!”

Bartram looked sheepishly down at his feet.

  “Well you see, your Lordship, I did try to get him to take the warrior spell like you told me to, but he wasn’t buying into how useful it could be,” Bartram mumbled. “And then he offered me some gold. I mean, I do have to make a living somehow.”

  “You’re an absolute disgrace, Bartram! Not only to the Opposition, but to traders in general. I mean, just look at the state of you! You dress more like a common peddler then a merchant,” Lord Fear continued. “At least Julius Scaramonger had a bit more style, and even when he was drunk, he still managed to pull off more dodgy deals than you can when you’re s… s… s.. sober,” Lord Fear finished, cruelly mocking Bartram’s stutter.

  “I’m sorry, your Lordship,” was all that Bartram could say.

  “Oh, get out of here, before I have you fed to Bhal-Shebah!” Fear snarled.

Bartram bowed and left. Lord Fear got up from his throne and paced about in a temper. From the dark, damp corner where he had observed the whole scene, Lissard now quietly crept out and spoke to his master.

  “Lordness, why do you keep Honesty Bartram on your payroll-ness?” asked Lissard. “Wouldn’t it be better to hire a new trader; one who is more loyal to you?”

Fear looked at Lissard and sneered.

  “Ha!” he scoffed. “Show me a trader who says his first loyalty isn’t to gold, Lissard, and I’ll show you a liar! There’s not one trader out there who is truly loyal to anyone but himself! No, Lissard, Bartram’s the only ally in the trading world we’ve got now, and we can’t afford to let The Powers That Be have someone to supply their horrid little dungeoneers with spells and other nasty little tricks with which to loot my kingdom. Anyway, Lissard, we have more pressing matters to deal with. Thanks to Honesty Bartram’s ineptitude, a dungeoneer is now armed with a map of Marblehead and is loose in level three. Go and tell that stupid wyrm Bhal-Shebah to fly to Linghorm and…”

  “And what, Lordness?” Lissard prompted.

  “That’s it!” Fear crowed suddenly. “That’s the solution!”

Lissard looked blankly at Lord Fear.

  “I don’t think I understand, Lordness,” he confessed.

  “The combine spell, Lissard!” Fear exclaimed. “That’s the answer to our trader problems!”

  “You mean the one you tried on Bhal-Shebah to create Firestorm of Marblehead, Lordness?” asked Lissard.

  “Yes, Lissard, and successfully too, before that loopy sorceress Maldame undid all my good work!” Fear said bitterly. “But now, I’ll use the spell to create the perfect Opposition trader!”

  “I still don’t understand, Lordness,” Lissard replied in confusion.

  “I wouldn’t expect you to understand me, Old Newt,” Fear returned. “That is why I am the evil genius, and you are simply a minion. I’m going to use the combine spell to merge Honesty Bartram with another shifty trader, whilst removing any vestiges of good from both of them! The end result will be a trader who is thoroughly evil and totally loyal to me!”

  “Oh Lordness, that is truly brilliant!” Lissard smiled evilly. “But where will you find another trader to combine Bartram with?”

    “That’s simple, Lissard,” Fear grinned, as he turned towards his telescreen. “Skarkill!”

The scarred face of the vile goblin master appeared on the screen.

  “Yes, your Fearship… er, Lordship?” Skarkill enquired.

  “Skarkill,” Fear smiled. “I have a little job for you.”

  “Do you want me to clap this new dungeoneer in irons, your Lordship?” Skarkill asked eagerly, clinking his irons together. “LOVELY!”

  “No, Skarkill, I don’t want you to clap your irons on the dungeoneer,” Fear sighed. “I want you to find someone for me and bring them to Marblehead, alive and in one piece.”

  “Right, I’ll have him back to Marblehead in no time at all,” Skarkill promised, as he disappeared from the telescreen.

Lord Fear sighed and shook his head is despair. A few seconds later, a sheepish-looking Skarkill reappeared on the screen.

  “Er, who is it I’m after?” he asked.

  “Why do I keep you in my services, Skarkill, why?” Fear wondered. “I want you to bring me Julius Scaramonger!”

Lord Fear continued to relay orders and instructions to Skarkill, as Lissard listened keenly. None of them was aware of the dark, sinister figure that was listening to every word of their conversation from the shadows.

Will Lord Fear’s evil plan to magically combine Honesty Bartram and Julius Scaramonger succeed? And who is this mysterious eavesdropper? Read the second chapter of Richard’s dastardly tale in the next issue.