ADVENTURE TIME

In this age of heroes, the score is Dungeon 10, Humans 4, and a fresh quest begins.

The next dungeoneer is called Ashley. His quest begins in a large room with two doors, but one has rubble behind it. The advisors start to send Ashley in the general direction of the doors, but a mechanical whirring and clanking suddenly fills the chamber and causes Ashley to freeze stock still in fear.

  “Beware, team,” Treguard warns. “The Automatum is approaching, and I bet you don’t need three guesses what he’s after!”

Ashley is taken to the open doorway and leaves the room. He emerges into a large hallway with one door, and a table in the centre. His advisors take him to stand behind this, and tell him to describe what is there.

  “There’s a bar of gold, a bird’s claw and a red stone,” Ashley reports.

  “Touch nothing yet, team.” Treguard instructs. “First you must face the challenge of the living wall.”

The wall around the doorway shifts and changes into the shape of a large face. The door has now become a gaping mouth.

  “Look upon the face of Phelheim!” the wall monster declares. “Nothing may be taken from here until you have proven yourself, dungeoneer. I have three mysteries, and here is the first. In your TV screen I am primary, yet in your paint-box I am secondary. I am covetous, envious and naïve. What am I?”

The advisors discuss this, but no answer seems to be emerging.

  “Come on, team, the lights won’t say go if you can’t answer this riddle,” Treguard clues them in.

  “I reckon it’s a colour,” Ashley pipes up.

  “Try red,” suggests an advisor.

  “Falsehood!” Phelheim declares, upon hearing Ashley’s answer. “Green was the truth I sought. Here is the second. Ben Nevis is the highest peak in Britain, but which is the second highest?”

  “It’s Mount Snowdon, in Wales,” says an advisor confidently, and Ashley relays this answer.

  “Truth accepted,” Phelheim rumbles. “Here is the third. You’ll often see me in the sky, and yet, unaided, I can’t fly. In open field I’ll seldom lie, but indoors I’m still. What am I?”

The team talk about this, and then come up with an answer.

  “Aeroplane,” says Ashley with confidence.

  “Falsehood!” Phelheim thunders. “A feather was the truth I sought. One alone is the score. Your quest is for the Crown, yet you may not rule. All other knowledge is denied you!”

Phelheim’s face melts away, and the advisors begin to discuss the choice of objects.

  “I’m not taking this claw,” Ashley pouts. “It’s minging!”

The team tell Ashley to take the gold and the ruby, and then direct him out through what was once Phelheim’s mouth. The next room has one usable exit close at hand, but it is guarded by Fatilla, the Barbarian guard.

  “Ooh, a dunger-person,” Fatilla slurps. “A dungeoneer, that’s what it is. Well, I know what to do with dungeoneers. First I blip them, and then I blop them! Well, unless they give me a nice present, but I don’t suppose you’ve got anything I’d like, have you?”

Ashley makes no reply to this.

  “Come on, team, your dungeoneer is in serious danger!” Treguard cries.

  “Show him the gold!” declares the advisor who got the riddle correct.

  “Ooh, lovely,” Fatilla approves when he sees the gold. “Yes, I like gold. Hand it over, then.”

Ashley obediently does so.

  “You can go past,” Fatilla says accommodatingly. “And, because you’ve given me such a nice present, I’ll give you a password for this level. It’s alchemy.”

Fatilla makes himself scarce, and Ashley is directed out. He emerges into Mildread’s cave, where the loathsome old witch is stirring something in her cauldron.

  “Have a care around Mildread, team,” Treguard advises. “She can be useful, but she’s always dangerous.”

  “Oh, hello, young mugwump,” Mildread cackles when she sees Ashley. “Come in, my dear, and let Mildread make you feel right at home. I’m brewing a very special spell here, and I might share some magic with you, if you are carrying the final ingredient that I need. Well, what have you got, boy?”

  “I’ve got this red stone,” says Ashley, holding the gem out before him.

  “A firestone!” Mildread spits contemptuously. “That’s not the ingredient I need; I’m looking for a raven’s claw. I’m sorry, lovie, but you won’t be getting any magic from me today – a firestone’s no use to Mildread!”

Mildread loses all interest in Ashley and returns to her cauldron, so the advisors direct him out. He emerges into a red room that is dominated by a silver wall. As the advisors watch, the wall grates forward and forms a colossal face, completely blocking the exit.

  “Password!” the blocker demands.

  “Alchemy,” replies Ashley.

Once the blocker has disappeared, the advisors direct Ashley out. He now stands in a small cave that contains a stone wellway. Unfortunately, it also contains the Automatum. He clanks into action, and heads straight for Ashley with his morning star raised.

  “Extreme danger, team, there’s no way past this enemy!” Treguard booms.

Without any weapons of defence, Ashley can do nothing to save himself. The morning star crashes into his helmet and the spikes grate through, into his skull. The Dungeon bell sounds.

  “Ooh, nasty,” Treguard remarks. “Team, Mildread would have given you the magic that you needed to deal with the Automatum, but you left the crucial spell ingredient behind! Perhaps you will be an example to other teams that are tempted to reject a vital clue object just because it outwardly appears to be minging! Spellcasting: D-I-S-M-I-S-S.”

Well, Ashley’s dismal attempt has increased the Dungeon’s lead to 11-4. How will the next dungeoneer fare? Read the next Adventure Time to find out.