GOOD ADVICE, BAD ADVICE
Yes, it’s countdown time again, readers. Here are my top five least favourite advisors of all time, followed by my top five favourite advisors of all time. Good advice and guidance could make or break a Knightmare quest. In my opinion, these are the five advisors who made the very worst job of giving useful, constructive advice and guidance, followed by the five who made the best job.
I have limited myself to one entry per team, so if your favourite advisor does not appear in the list, another member of their team might well do. Having said that, I know that many of you hold very strong opinions about some of the Knightmare advisors, and I’d be delighted to hear them. I’d love to include your list of best and worst advisors in a future issue of TES, so get reading, and then get writing!
BAD ADVICE:
5. Richard Cobb. (Dungeoneer: Alex II.)
Home town: London.
Level reached: 3.
Time on Knightmare: Episodes 705, 706 and 707.
Significant moments: Telling Alex to turn around when faced with a grayling, the only sure way to make the assassin attack. Insisting that the cards chosen in Play Your Cards Right by the other, better advisors were wrong.
Defining quote: ”That can’t be the right one!”
4. Ian Healy. (Dungeoneer: Duncan.)
Home town: Windsor, Berkshire.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Episodes 514 and 515.
Significant moments: Doing at least 99% of all the guiding and advising, not giving his team-mates a chance to get a word in edgeways, and dominating the proceedings so much that the other two lost any confidence they may have had, providing Duncan with very poor guidance from a very weak team.
Defining quote: ”Okay, Duncan, step… quickly to your right, quickly!”
(Duncan promptly gets sawn in half, in case you didn’t know!)
3. Rowena Baker. (Dungeoneer: Richard III.)
Home town: Bracknell, Berkshire.
Level reached: 1.
Time on Knightmare: Episode 801.
Significant moment: Insisting that the team completely ignores all the information on the level one clue scroll, even with Treguard’s prompting.
Defining quote: ”I reckon we need the key, and… bar of gold for bribery?”
2. Andrew Bebb. (Dungeoneer: Simon III.)
Home town: Swansea, West Glamorgan.
Level reached: 2.
Time on Knightmare: Episodes 407, 408 and 409.
Significant moments: Constantly telling Simon to go in the wrong direction, including telling him to side-step straight into a stool, and culminating in an instruction to side-step right into a great big hole.
Defining quotes: ”I was going to take him round the stool.”
”Simon, side-step to your left.”
1. Gideon Morrison-Wood. (Dungeoneer: Daniel II.)
Home town: London.
Level reached: 3.
Time on Knightmare: Episodes 801, 802, 803 and 804.
Significant moments: Overreacting and blaspheming constantly. Talking over the other advisors. Telling off the other advisors for no good reason. Shouting down the other advisors when they tried to give instructions. Being sarcastic with the dungeoneer. Making Daniel get into stupid positions whilst holding spyglasses. Talking over Treguard and Majida so loudly and so forcefully that their explanation about skeletrons had to be re-filmed later. Giving such wild guidance in the Corridor of Blades that Daniel never stood a chance. Laughing ostentatiously at inappropriate moments.
Defining quote: ”Oh my God, Daniel!”
GOOD ADVICE.
5. Vaughan Simpson. (Dungeoneer: Julian.)
Home town: Banbury, Oxfordshire.
Level reached: 3+.
Time on Knightmare: Episodes 211, 212 and 213.
Defining quote: Vaughan: ”Okay, Julian. Walk forward.”
Treguard: “That’s enough! Turn from the mirror!”
Julian’s winning quest could not have succeeded without good guidance and advice, despite the dungeoneer’s own extensive talents. Although Becca was the most vociferous advisor in the team, Vaughan was the one who always gave Julian calm, clear instructions, and took charge in an emergency. ”You’ve mastered the Dungeon; well done, indeed!” – Treguard.
4. Helen Luxton. (Dungeoneer: Sarah.)
Home town: Northampton, Northamptonshire.
Level reached: 3.
Time on Knightmare: Episodes 504, 505 and 506.
Defining quote: ”I don’t know, because it says the key to the Dungeon is the jewel!”
Sarah’s team was the only non-winning team to reach level three in series 5, and this was all thanks to Helen. Clever, calm, cool and confident, Helen was always on the ball and ready to deal with any difficult situation, until Elita turned up… ”The best so far, Master.” – Pickle.
3. Tim Herbert. (Dungeoneer: Dickon.)
Home town: Torquay, Devon.
Level reached: 3+.
Time on Knightmare: Episodes 410, 411, 412 and 413.
Defining quote: ”I would agree with him; he looks, kind of… not the man to disagree with.” (Tim’s assessment of Hordriss.)
An excellent performance from an excellent team, culminating in a well-deserved win. Tim was the best of the three advisors, his only competition being the nerdy one and the one who didn’t say much. Tim made the decisions and gave the instructions; a puppet-master at work. ”What you have achieved is worth far more than any treasure.” – Merlin.
2. Derek Thorn. (Dungeoneer: Barry.)
Home town: Unknown, Worcestershire.
Level reached: 3+.
Time on Knightmare: Episodes 712, 713, 714 and 715.
Defining quote: ”You could tell her that Hordriss is in love with a kind of lizard person who’s not really real, that might please her quite a bit.”
Barry’s winning quest was quite a spectacle, and Barry’s brother Derek had a lot to do with that. Like his brother, Derek had a lot of character, but, unlike his brother, he was never over-the-top, obnoxious or smart-arsed. Derek’s style of guidance was lively and entertaining, yet clear and concise. He was more sure of himself and his instructions than the other advisors were (although they were all excellent) and with good reason to be so. As for trying to direct Barry into the path of a spinning blade, can you honestly blame him? ”You have what few have achieved: the fame!” – Hordriss.
1. Samantha Verne. (Dungeoneer: Julie II.)
Home town: Leek, Staffordshire.
Level reached: 3+.
Time on Knightmare: Episodes 710, 711 and 712.
Defining quote: Julie: ”Romahna captured by Raptor; dragon-girl doomed.”
Sam: ”Oh dear. That doesn’t sound good.”
Another excellent winning quest from an excellent team. Sam’s clear, authoritative tones really epitomise Julie’s quest for me. Sam provided excellent instructions and advice, and knew just when to laugh and just when to be deadly serious. The best of an outstanding bunch. ”Well, girls. Congratulations, and farewell.” – Treguard.