POLITICALLY INCORRECT:
The Top 5 Dungeon Stereotypes according to Rosey Collins
All evidence suggests that there was no such thing as political correctness in medieval times: indeed, the Church in the Middle Ages taught that women were inferior to men (ha ha ha!), and husbands were encouraged to beat their disobedient wives (Terry Deary, The Measley Middle Ages, Scholastic 1996, p.83). Not very PC, though not so different from Punch and Judy. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, however, when Knightmare was being made, political correctness was starting to emerge – and, all credit to the medieval thinking behind Knightmare, not very many stereotypes slipped through. However, attitudes on this issue were more lax fifteen-odd years ago than they are now, and I have been able to spot five (and maybe there are more) stereotypes in the Knightmare Dungeon. These are they, ranked in reverse order of just how stereotypical and potentially offensive I think they are:
5. MARTA
Series: 7
Played by: Jacquelin Joyce
Potentially offensive to: barmaids
Marta was a pouty young woman working as a serving wench at the Mad Cow inn. She had rather untidy blond hair, a thick West Country accent, a low neckline and occasionally a suggestive note in her voice (particularly when she was offering ‘information’). Her appearance suggested that she was either poor, or couldn’t be bothered to look after herself. Hordriss and Lord Fear both fancied her, though in fairness we never saw her do anything to encourage them. And let us not forget that the incident with Sidriss, whereby the latter turned Marta into a giant cat (and then a dog, but that’s irrelevant), came about when Sidriss called Marta a ‘cat’. Now, if a woman is referred to as a cat, what might this imply…?
4. SIDRISS
Series: 6, 7, 8
Played by: Iona Kennedy
Potentially offensive to: blondes
Sidriss was (in my opinion) a classic character, and she was one of my favourites, simply because she was so funny. She was a complete ditz. She just could not get anything right. Besides all the magical mishaps (too many to list!), she made a mistake whilst rowing a dungeoneer across a lake and then couldn’t even refer to it with the correct expression:
Sidriss: ”Ooh, I think I caught a lobster!”
Motley: ”Crab!”
Anguished cries of “Ooh!” and “Oh!” were very common from Sidriss. In series 8 she was unable to answer Snapper-Jack’s riddle, which brought her close to tears, and it even took her a moment to realise that the dungeoneer (Mike) was trying to help her. She even forgot her own name on two or three occasions. And, like all the best ditzes, she was an incurable daddy’s girl. She reminds me of Sharon Watts from EastEnders.
3. MERLIN
Series: 1, 2, 3, 4
Played by: John Woodnutt
Potentially offensive to: the elderly
Perhaps our dear departed John Woodnutt was a little deaf himself, in which case it isn’t very politically correct of me to include him in this article. Perhaps his occasional struggle to remember riddles was also genuine – but he did do a degree of acting forgetful as well. For example, following Dickon’s win in series 4:
Merlin: ”Well this hasn’t happened since… er… er… er… 1988 – I’ve almost forgotten what to do next! …I have forgotten what to do next.”
2. RIDOLFO
Series: 6
Played by: Adrian Neil
Potentially offensive to: people of Italian origin/musicians
Perhaps the men of Italy would not find Ridolfo all that offensive, as he played a positive stereotype. But he was a stereotype nonetheless: the great Italian (more specifically, Venetian) lover.
Ridolfo: ”I sing-a thee songs and I break-a thee hearts.”
He had (or attempted to have) liaisons with Sidriss (or he at least talked about it), the married Lady Brinkator (definitely!) and even the warty little witch Heggaty, which very much implied that he wasn’t at all fussy. Heggaty wasn’t having any of it, though:
Heggaty: ”All tights and no trousers, he is! Hehehehehe!” (Now what do you suppose she meant by that?) ”Tried to pinch me bum, he did! If he tries it again, I’ll turn him into a toad!”
Ridolfo’s roving eye did cause him trouble: Count Brinkator put him in the stocks, and Hordriss magically doomed him to the life of a fisherman in response to the Sidriss rumours. As to the dungeoneers, he once confided to Alan with a knowing smile that ”thee ladies love-a thee music”, while Sofia and January each received a kiss on the hand. Aahh.
1. AH WOK
Series: 6
Played by: Mark Knight
Potentially offensive to: people of oriental origin
The benevolent yet money-hungry Chinese merchant of Wolfenden wins this competition hands-down. Before he even began talking, we saw that Mark Knight had been painted with a fake tan, which is slightly reminiscent of olden-day films in which painted white actors gave pretty appalling performances of black characters (Lawrence Olivier’s Othello, for example, when he could barely move for the body paint – cultured, aren’t I?). Ah Wok wore a nice yellow and red dress and a fake, long, thin, black moustache. He had a strong accent that I feel Mark Knight imitated rather well, but with perhaps a little too much emphasis, especially when it came to substituting Rs for Ls and vice-versa (he inverted them, rather than always saying one or the other, which seems unlikely to me but there it is). He pronounced dungeoneers’ names in ways that I do admit to finding quite funny: off the top of my head, Bin for Ben, Rat for Matt and Somewhere for Sumaiah. Mark Knight is one of my favourite actors on Knightmare, largely because of his marvellous comic performances. I do think Ah Wok was a very enjoyable character, but I doubt very much that we will ever see anyone quite like him on children’s television again.