THE BIG ISSUE

By Rosey Collins

This was the section of TES that used to compare two similar Knightmare characters, culminating in the author’s very definite opinion of which of them was better at whatever those characters did, followed by a token, “Of course it’s up to you to make up your own mind.”  With Jake’s inspiration for this section apparently dried up, I have decided to rekindle it with a comparison of four – that’s right, four! – Knightmare characters.  These are the Dungeon equivalent of Charlie’s Angels: the feisty warrior maidens Gundrada, Gwendoline, Romahna and Stiletta.

Gundrada: The goofy yet bloodthirsty sword-mistress, played by Samantha Perkins, was only ever encountered on level 2 in series 4, where she met every single dungeoneer in this series, except Jeremy.

Advantages: The most useful thing about Gundrada was undoubtedly her sword.  She frequently chased off a few goblins for the dungeoneers, as well as one frightknight (which incidentally had been a Behemoth in series 3).  She was also useful to Dickon as a diversion for Ariadne, allowing him to escape her lair, and she helped Simon in a premature encounter with the Corridor of Blades.  In my opinion, Gundrada was a likeable character who provided ample opportunity for humour.  And, whether you like brash, aggressive and slightly ditzy sword maidens or not, Samantha Perkins certainly played the part convincingly.

Disadvantages: In spite of her evident capability in battle, Gundrada more often than not had to be freed by the dungeoneer from the stocks or the pillory – something that I don’t think was a bad idea, but may have been rather overused in series 4.  It may be argued that, once she had seen off the goblins, Gundrada had no real contribution to make to quests; all she really did was try to pinch clue objects from the dungeoneers and annoy other characters (the prime example being Hordriss).  However, on two occasions she did act as a test of chivalry when trying to persuade dungeoneers to leave other characters (specifically Merlin for Helen and Mellisandre for Vicky) in the stocks.

Gwendoline: Inspired, presumably, by the Robin Hood legend, Gwendoline the Green Warden was in charge of protecting the Greenwood in levels 1 and 2 (whichever it happened to be in that day) in series 5.  She patrolled the forest with a bow and arrows and a rather unconvincing blond wig, and was played by Juliet Henry-Massy.

Advantages: Unlike her predecessor Gundrada, Gwendoline was useful to quests in a greater capacity than just seeing off predators (though she sometimes did this as well); in fact for many dungeoneers, her help was essential for escaping level 1.  She would either provide the dungeoneer with a password or, in Kelly’s case, a green arrow to present to the Gatemaster as a token.  She would decide whether or not to help the dungeoneers in a manner more or less identical to Oakley’s in series 4: asking nature-related questions in order to ascertain the dungeoneer’s suitability to walk through the Greenwood.  Perhaps this went some way to compensating for the lack of spellbound creatures in this series, as the dungeoneer at least had some riddles to answer – a test that seemed to disappear in series 6 and 7.  If the dungeoneer gained her trust, Gwendoline was a valuable ally, and getting her to trust you was pips if you carried the green arrow on offer at the level 1 clue table; she even let Alex off with only one correct riddle answer because he had the arrow.

Disadvantages: Some dungeoneers were reluctant to pick up the arrow, as it was a weapon; to avoid this problem, they really needed to take notice of Treguard and Pickle’s scripted dialogue.  Dungeoneer Sarah rejected the arrow in favour of poison (this being one of three weapons with which she was presented); however she was still able to gain Gwendoline’s trust.  Gwendoline was disinclined to trust anybody straightaway, and was quick to assume that anyone in the Greenwood was there to cause damage, which meant she was potentially dangerous: once she couldn’t even tell a helmeted Sylvester Hands from a dungeoneer(!).  She would often charge onto the scene with bow and arrow poised, making unpleasant threats to the dungeoneer.  All four of the warrior maidens had only one series in which to establish their characters, and my opinion is that Gwendoline was less successful in this than any of the others; all she really did was shout at people, ask a few riddles and give out clues.

Romahna: Following the absence of a warrior maiden in series 6, Romahna the dragon warden filled the role in series 7.  Motley’s preposterous absence from the series meant that she had no amusing scene in which she had to ward off his advances (as Gundrada, Gwendoline and Stiletta all did), so what did that leave Jacqueline Joyce to do with the character?  Well…

Advantages: What I did like about Romahna was the mask that covered half of her face, not because I thought she was a bint, but because I could really imagine the burn scars under there that some dragon gave her (I mean, that must be why she wears it, right?).  Like Gundrada and Gwendoline before her, Romahna was sometimes useful for seeing off predators.  Her weapon of choice was a crossbow, which rather impressively fired fireballs (because of her affinity with dragons, maybe?).  Romahna’s friendship and professional working relationship with Smirkenorff, whom it was her job to protect, meant that gaining her trust allowed dungeoneers to get in good with the dragon, who would then fly them out of level 1.  However, this I’m afraid brings me to:

Disadvantages: It is my opinion that Romahna’s presence in this series detracted from Smirkenorff’s character.  He is an independent, freethinking dragon; since when does some blonde get to decide who gets a ride and who doesn’t?  Romahna would “get word to Smirkenorff” when she felt a dungeoneer was deserving of a flight to level 2, or often forbade dungeoneers from approaching him.  This is because she was one of those characters who had an odd idea that dungeoneers did not belong in the Dungeon; she seemed to find them intensely irritating.  Until they rescued her, that is.  She could be pretty hopeless on occasion, allowing herself to be duped, tied up and robbed by Sylvester Hands, and being captured by Raptor even after Julie warned her of the impending threat.  I feel that her attitude towards Barry sums Romahna up beautifully: she is unnecessarily hostile towards him at the start of his quest, and then nags him to free her when Sylvester Hands has her in a pillory in level 3.

Stiletta: Knightmare having been there, done that and bought the t-shirt with swords, longbows and crossbows, the warrior thief Stiletta brought yet another new warrior maiden weapon to the Dungeon: knives.  Played by Joanne Heywood, she was a loveable character and, in my opinion, a really fun addition to the overall rather lame series 8.

Advantages: Stiletta’s only moment of hostility towards a dungeoneer was when she made the Gundrada-esque mistake of taking Nathan for a dwarf and threatened to cut him in half (whilst uncharacteristically wielding a sword).  However, she was 100% dungeoneer-friendly (in contrast to Romahna in particular, but also Gwendoline and Gundrada), never abandoning her light-hearted tone of voice even when she believed Richard to be stealing from her.  When Daniel warns Stiletta that Sylvester Hands is coming to kidnap her, she manages to see him off straightaway with a few knives, meaning that she has one up on Romahna in the capability stakes (power to the sisterhood!).  Indeed, Lord Fear himself once admitted that she had been stealing from him – quite some feat, no?  She had a lot of personality, making her a memorable character, but charismatic isn’t all she was: she certainly had her uses.  These included selling Daniel a ring that disintegrated skeletrons, and giving out the odd rune-lock combination.

Disadvantages: Series 8 was way too short, meaning that Stiletta had even less time in which to establish her character than her three predecessors did.  She did well though, I think, possibly helped by the fact that Joanne Heywood was only playing one character as opposed to the customary two.  Perhaps her skimpy costume was something of a distraction to male dungeoneers – at least one has apparently admitted to finding her attractive.  She also directed Dunston towards the Short Cut, which I think most of us can agree was an absolute travesty, but of course what the writers gave her to do was not her fault.

And there it is.  Jake asked me to keep it short, but (oops!) it seems to have run for about a page longer than his comparison of Pickle and Majida.  If you will remember, that article was entirely biased (he had to ask me what advantages Majida had), as is this one: you will probably have realised that Stiletta is my favourite of these four characters, while Romahna is definitely bottom of my list.  Between Gundrada and Gwendoline, I think Gundrada has the edge, if only because Samantha Perkins seemed to put in a bit more effort than Juliet Henry-Massy did.  But, er, yeah – of course, you have to make up your own mind.  (Stiletta rules!)