CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR

By Chris Stallard

Rather than rating the teams that managed to conquer the Dungeon, this article looks at the teams that made it to level three but, for whatever reason, failed to push on to victory. It has often been stated by some fans that certain teams were very unlucky not to win, and therefore this article focuses on them. This includes teams who perished in level three, as well as teams that were “timed out” by the end of the series whilst on the final level. As I will be focusing on teams that made it to level three, I will rank the teams by an overall rating, which is split into four marks-out-of-ten categories:

Appeal - How much did the team grow on the watchers?

Excitement - Were there many memorable moments in the quest?

Intelligence - The old chestnut; did the team condemn themselves by their own actions?

Luck - A low rating helps here. How lucky were the team to progress, and how unlucky were they not to win?

So, with all that being as clear as the “opposite” riddles that led to the downfall of Vicky & co in series 4, here are the teams in reverse order:

16. Oliver, David, Matthew & Anthony, from Leicestershire. (Series 8)

Not much can be said in favour of this team, the last ever to challenge the Dungeon. They benefited from the same Short Cut that Dunston & co used (we wont go into that one...) but unlike Dunston’s team, they seemed to have no teamwork skills, reasoning or ability, and their progress to level three seemed to be a strange decision on the part of the production team, as they were only ten minutes or so away from the end of the season when the quest began.

It seemed as if the crew were determined to have one last team in the final level before the end, but this progress seemed to be a bit much – Oliver made it to level three after just five minutes! This team would never have won, as they often argued, and would not have got anywhere without some serious help from the producers.

Appeal - The final team of the programme should have been memorable to all, but it didn’t work out that way! 3

Excitement - No chance to get any excitement developed as the quest was too short. 4

Intelligence - Again, too short to tell. They didn’t have enough time either to excel or to embarrass themselves. 5

Luck - Best not to go into that one, methinks... 9

Overall - A gift appearance in level three. The team would never have won and would not even have come close without major intervention. 3.5

15. Alan, Jim, Nick & Mark, from St. Albans. (Series 6)

A slow yet solid team, who were the first of three to reach the final level in series 6. In my opinion, this team benefited from taking part in a series that can be classed as being slightly too easy, as only seven teams took part, yet three reached the elite final level, and no teams fell in level one. Level one for Alan was fairly uneventful (as was the case for most teams in this series) as the team simply had to encounter Sly and agree to meet him in the tavern, and then dispel the bizarre-looking samurai that was molesting Ah Wok!

They ended up at the tavern with Sly and gained the causeway code from Ridolfo. (Slightly circular...) Level two saw the team encounter a depressed Sidriss, who was cheered up later with a BEAUTY spell, which was obtained from Heggaty. (Again, this seemed very circular. I was not a fan of encountering a problem, gaining a solution and then going back to the problem...) They then memorably dealt with Lord Fear by crushing his hand with a magic gauntlet. (What a shame Chris & co couldn’t have used that on Mogdred back in 1988!)

Level three again saw a circular development, as the team left Elita on the ship, only to encounter her again to learn what they needed to progress - a firestone. However, the team’s slow approach was soon punished in the severest possible fashion, as Alan was too slow for the frightknight on the causeway. Surprisingly for level three, it was not the Great Causeway.

Appeal - Slow and not brilliant to watch. 4

Excitement - Again, slow. Their quest seemed circular, with much repetition that did not seem entirely necessary, although it can be said that this was as much the fault of the producers as of the team. 4

Intelligence - Their slow yet solid approach showed good judgment and ensured the correct decision was usually made. 7

Luck - No extra luck, but their demise was entirely due to their overly cautious approach. 5

Overall – Blimey, they were hard to watch! The quest was slow and cautious to the point of lunacy, and whilst the circular nature of the quest did not help, most teams in series 6 experienced a slow level one before progressing to a more entertaining performance. Not so this lot! It is argued by many observers that Treguard and Pickle could not hide their relief when this team was finished off, and it is not surprising, having had to sit through this quest... 4.5

14. Chris, Paul, Kenneth & Chris, from St. Helens. (Series 2)

The first team to really put up much of a challenge in series 2, following two mediocre quests from Martin and Claire. This team seemed to be quite nervous in places (such as the Mills of Doom, and even with friendly characters such as Bumptious) and often seemed to turn to Treguard for hints. This nervousness only seemed to worsen as the quest progressed, as the advisors began to resort to barking their orders out to the dungeoneer and becoming rather het-up if he didn’t comply instantly, such as when Mogdred’s hand began to chase after the dungeoneer in the wellway room before level three.

The team never struck me as being “the stuff of legend” and, watching the quest, the team gives the impression, unfairly or not, that they are always one room away from disaster. It was no surprise that they made such an early error in level three, when they left the shield behind in the clue room, and were memorably “stoned” by Medusa.

Appeal - As I have said, they struck me as nervous and unsettled, and were therefore difficult to take to. 4

Excitement - Their nervous approach made interaction with others difficult, and whilst they successfully tackled obstacles such as the Mills of Doom, they did so steadily but slowly. 5

Intelligence - They were sensible in taking their time and not rushing into decisions, but like Richard & co from series 1, they made a poor error by taking a false object in level three. 5

Luck - Whilst they did gain hints from Treguard, particularly with Granitas, their cautious and thought-out approach meant luck was not a major factor. However, their failure to win was entirely their own fault. 5

Overall – Nervous, and never seemed likely to win. 5

13. Ross, Gavin, Fu & Shazard, from Birmingham. (Series 3)

Despite the fact that they made it to level three in such a difficult series, and despite the fact that, coming from Wolverhampton, these lads from Birmingham are the closest thing I have to a “home team” on Knightmare, I felt that they suffered from the same problems as Chris & co from series 2, and never looked likely to win. Their level one seemed to drag on for too long, and they seemed quite uncomfortable and nervous.

They also needed hints from Treguard in the clue room, and seemed slow to react in certain situations, such as their first meeting with Mellisandre, a friendly, non-threatening character. However, they did improve as the quest went on, and seemed to be more comfortable in level two. In a way, they played the game well by stepping up the pace as the quest progressed. The conscripting of McGrew in level two illustrates this, as the team were quick to draw on his abilities to help them through the level, and were also quick to dispel Mogdred’s TOAD spell. However, by level three the nerves seemed to return, as they realised they might actually do it, and the nervy and agonising fall from the narrow bridge rather summed up their effort.

Appeal – Again, they grew on the watchers as they progressed, but another team that always seemed like the next room could be their last. 5

Excitement - Lacked the excitement of the other two teams to make it to level three in series 3. 5

Intelligence - Had Treguard’s help, but seemed fairly sharp. Their downfall was not down to idiocy. 8

Luck - Hints from Treguard and aid from McGrew. Their downfall was mainly due to nerves, which they previously seemed to have conquered. 5

Overall - Started off looking as if they wouldn’t reach level two, but soon recovered. However, they never looked like winning. 5.5

And that’s your lot for now, readers, but the countdown continues next time, so make sure you don’t fall at the last hurdle before you have the chance to read it!