Parody of Bogart by Nik Kershaw

[Drassil]

Based on Bogart by Nik Kershaw. Original lyrics here; official audio here.

[Lord Fear and Lissard are not getting on. Treguard happens to be watching them in his magic mirror. Lissard turns to him - literally.]

[Lissard:]
Now keep this from your elf but
My lord plays games with me
I don't mean Knightmare Monopoly
When he is nice it's over in a trice or faster
Why, it's no Greater Game
When he won't give me my own calling name
Wish I could withstand like the Dungeon's famous master

Hey there, Treguard
Could you be my boss?
Talk to me, Treguard
Mine cannot give a toss
Hey there, Treguard
I'm here in distress
Talk to me, Treguard
End each word with "ness"
Help me, Treguard
Dismiss that genie gal
Take me on, Treguard
As your seneschal

[Then Lord Fear does the same:]
He makes me want to up-chuck
He's ichythyophagous
Gets off on sardines and sibilance
He stinks daily, he's scaly and all-Atlantean, I regret
He thinks he fits the bill
He doesn't know that he's draining my will
Backwards he's Drassil... I need Dunshelm's favourite martinet

Hey there, Treguard
Could you be his boss?
Talk to me, Treguard
And teach him how to floss
Hey there, Treguard
I can't stand his stench
Although he makes a
Comely tavern wench
Help me, Treguard
If this song doesn't jar
Talk to me, Treguard
Knightmare's own HR

[Treguard ponders, then replies.]
If you want me, just surrender. You know how to surrender, don't you? I'll just put a list together, and-

[Lord Fear interrupts]
No.

[Lord Fear and Lissard look at each other. Mutual forgiveness. Lissard carries over a blackboard. Lord Fear grins at Treguard and scrapes his fingernails down it, with a terrible high-pitched sound.]

[Gundrada]

Hooray! The Mulleted One is still in our hearts and minds

Great parody *gives two thumbs up*

[Drassil]

Thank you. You might enjoy my previous parody of a Nik Kershaw song too.

[Mashibinbin]

Highly enjoyable!

[Drassil]

Thank you. I'm glad. It's quite coincidental that Lauren Bacall, widow of Bogart and quoted in the original song, has been in the news since I wrote the parody.