<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><rss xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" version="2.0"><channel><title><![CDATA[Jester's Corner]]></title><description><![CDATA[For all the comedians out there.]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/category/40</link><generator>RSS for Node</generator><lastBuildDate>Sun, 13 Sep 2026 23:06:43 GMT</lastBuildDate><atom:link href="https://www.knightmare.com/forum/category/40.rss" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml"/><pubDate>Sat, 27 Jun 2020 13:48:02 GMT</pubDate><ttl>60</ttl><item><title><![CDATA[Happy Pride Day]]></title><description><![CDATA[Sorry, I couldn't resist...
https://youtu.be/DJupt2Jwwac
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/3212/happy-pride-day</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/3212/happy-pride-day</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[DJOSKA87]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Sat, 27 Jun 2020 13:48:02 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Knightmare meets automatic subtitles]]></title><description><![CDATA[In honour of the forum's members totalling 888, the Teletext/Ceefax number for subtitles, here's the Knightmare clip with auto subtitles to beat them all.
The Dungeoneer Encounters Two Strange Monks
a.k.a. Series 5 Quest 1: Kathryn meets Brother Mace and Sylvester Hands in Wolfglade
It happens within the first minute of the clip, just before Brother Mace laughs. You may laugh too.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/3150/knightmare-meets-automatic-subtitles</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/3150/knightmare-meets-automatic-subtitles</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Drassil]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Sun, 21 Apr 2019 15:39:20 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Goblins]]></title><description><![CDATA[Are you role playing or something dude?? I'm very lost here
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2866/goblins</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2866/goblins</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Fidjit]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Tue, 12 Apr 2016 12:45:59 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Corbiss the Bemuser]]></title><description><![CDATA[As the Dungeon returns for a new phase, the Powers that Be have a new leader:

The knight who once tamed a wild bovine and founded the realm's finest inn, the Crazed Heifer, in its honour. Because of this deed, people started calling him Sir Bullock Settler, until he persuaded them to modify it to Sir Steer Calmer.

Corbiss the Bemuser, as a long-lived mage who appears to draw power from outside, was one of the few denizens in a position to make the Dungeon form again. Having mislaid the arcane wisdom that once gave him true power, he resorts to a simplistic spell. But there are horrendous side-effects to the spellcasting of REFORM.
Amid the Dungeon's general resurrection, an excess of magic is channelled to a small group of renegades deplored by the Powers that Be and tolerated by the Opposition. Their leader is...

a coarse vagabond named Forage.

In an attempt to sound widely influential yet anti-establishment, Forage asks to be known as Nudge-All the Disparager. Yet people keep calling him Forage, and pronouncing it to sound Norman, which infuriates him.
Not that he and his brigade (the Reformed) are anything less than furious. They direct this fury at dungeoneers. It's obvious to most that the Knightmare Realm would not be what it is without dungeoneers, but not to The Reformed. So visceral is their hatred that they make Lord Fear look like Rothberry, so to speak.
In his smug, insatiable hunger for influence, Forage sets out to incite every dungeoneer hater in the realm. To enchant these unsophisticated folk, he uses an unsophisticated incantation, attempting to conjure up a "Huge Ol' Riot".
Instead, because of a concealed silver spoon impeding his speech, he summons Hugo Myatt.
A firm, prolonged stare sends Forage scampering for shelter in the expensive property that we're not supposed to know he owns. Have Forage and the Reformed been subdued, or will they continue to be a blight on Treguard, Sir Steer and the realm?
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2801/corbiss-the-bemuser</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2801/corbiss-the-bemuser</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Drassil]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Sat, 19 Sep 2015 11:22:28 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Before Sylvester the Jester...]]></title><description><![CDATA[[Lord Fear has contacted Sylvester Hands via the Pool of Veracity. After a long wait...]
Lord Fear: Hands... Hands. Yes, there you are. Unpolishable as ever.
Sylvester Hands: Afternoon, yer lordship. 'Ang on, why aren't you calling me up on the vieswcr... the scriewvee... the big wall?
Fear: I got the old pool back off Treguard. He had to get rid of it after Majida fell in while fishing out pencils and got burned by the aqua veritatis. It served its purpose.
Hands: But it's so much smaller than the wall.
Fear: In the world of technomagical viewing devices, smaller is better. Sadly for you, that doesn't apply to brains. I still have to keep adjusting the picture manually... [He makes the devil horn gesture and rotates it over the water] ...but one of these days I'll go hands-free. Pun intended.
Hands: None taken.
Fear: Right. Well that's as much chit-chat as I can bear, so down to business. Oh, by the way, we're speaking on an ultra-secure channel. You can never be too careful. Which is what I'd say if I invented a way to travel into the past and met your parents just before their wedding night. Heh, what a ridiculous fantasy. Your parents having a wedding night. They can't have done, because you're a bastard.
Hands: It takes one to know one.
Fear: Hands, your compliments have come on leaps and bounds. Well done. Now, I have a burning question for you.
Hands: Cooked or raw?
Fear: No. I've been watching your encounters with dungeoneers and other folk, and time and again you introduce yourself with that ridiculous "'ands, like feet, but up the other end of yer body" routine. Isn't it a mite pretentious? Why not just "Hello, I'm Sylvester"?
Hands: It's so they don't get me mixed up with any other Sylvesters.
Fear: There are no other Sylvesters. You are, thankfully, unique.
Hands: Beggin' yer pardon, yer lordship, but how can you be so sure I ain't the only Sylvester?
Fear: Because that's just the way it works. There wasn't a Sylvester, then there was you, and there will never be another. With so many other names to choose from, it just would not happen.
Hands: But, yer lordship, I've been watching Brookside...
Fear: Brookside? Oh yes, I forgot: your ironic interest in soaps.
Hands: ...And Brookside's got two Jackies.
Fear: I happen to know that they're spelt differently. One is Jackie, the other is Jacqui, q-u-i.
Hands: I know I should. It leaks pus whenever I wink at Marta.
Fear: Not "cure your eye", "q-u-i"! The point is, Brookside may have bent the rule but it didn't break it. There may yet be other imbecilic misfits in the Dungeon, other greasy-haired chamberpots on legs, but there will only be one Sylvester.
Hands: The thing is, I've been havin' this recrur... recurdl... the same nightmare over and over, where a lost clown comes to the Dungeon, and 'e's stuck for a name, so 'e steals my name because it rhymes with jester.
Fear: So does Lester. And Chester. He'd pick one of those. Or he'd think of something completely original. It wouldn't be hard. Good grief, I'm starting to feel like an agony aunt. And the agony's all mine. Let me sum up. It is absolutely ludicrously unthinkable that the Knightmare Dungeon will ever have another inhabitant by the name of Sylvester. And you can trust me on that. I know your brain has probably not been able to retain the golden rule that I AM ALWAYS RIGHT. Though I did order you to get it as a tattoo.
Hands: I did. And when I saw your call coming in, I read it again as quick as I could.
Fear: So that's why it took you an hour to pick up.
Hands: Yeah, but it confused me, because why would I 'ave a tattoo telling me I'm always right if you're always right?
Fear: Remind me to send you for a trip under the old lion's head to get that tattoo removed. Look, I obviously need to convince you otherwise you'll never let this go, so listen up. In the impossible event that another Sylvester ever makes an appearance, may my nose grow for having lied to you, like Pinocchio.
Hands: Who?
Fear: Sorry, I'll rephrase. Like Piconic... Pincocchi... like that wooden puppet from the fairy story.
Hands: Ah. Gotcha.
Fear: Wait. Dealing with you with an even bigger nose might kill me. There's still time for me to modify the spell slightly before it cast-locks. In the impossible event that another Sylvester ever makes an appearance, may my head grow. Not that I have to worry about it happening anyway, because...
Hands: Because you are always... left.
Fear: I'm always left to deal with the scum of the Underworld. Well, Hands, I must dash. Let's do lunch sometime.
Hands: Really?
Fear: Yes. In separate timezones. Dismissed.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2751/before-sylvester-the-jester...</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2751/before-sylvester-the-jester...</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Drassil]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Thu, 29 Jan 2015 16:05:46 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Knightmare parodies of Doctor Who episode titles]]></title><description><![CDATA[
(K)Nightmare In Silver
(The actual Doctor Who episode referenced here was, believe it or not, directed by Stephen Woolfenden.)

Haha, and it was filmed in one of the castles from KM Series 5, too!
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2613/knightmare-parodies-of-doctor-who-episode-titles</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2613/knightmare-parodies-of-doctor-who-episode-titles</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Canadanne]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Sat, 04 Jan 2014 19:40:58 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA["Don't you like my pie?"]]></title><description><![CDATA[
Sir Hugh de Wittless: Yes, Mildread, I like your pie: don't keep askin'! Never had one like it, though. Is it umble, deer heart?
Mildread: It's beef.
Sir Hugh: Mmm. Interestin' flavour for beef. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find Neddy. He's wandered off somewhere.
Mildread: Wait here and let him Findus.
Sir Hugh: Beg your pardon?
Mildread: ...Find us.

Haha!  Well, it was only a matter of time before the creative minds on this forum found a way.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2443/don-t-you-like-my-pie</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2443/don-t-you-like-my-pie</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[SpectralScorpion]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Wed, 13 Feb 2013 18:16:12 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Songs for Knightmare characters]]></title><description><![CDATA[Hee! How about these as well:
Absolute Beginners - Team 1 of Series 1
The Last Thing You Should Do - Team 3 of Series 1 (Simon)
Queen Of All The Tarts - Gretel
The Loneliest Guy - Cedric or Mug
I Can't Read - Team 11 of Series 2 (Anthony)
Beauty And The Beast - Mellisandre and Grimwold
Let's Dance - Leo (Series 3)
I've Been Waiting For You - Merlin
Always Crashing In The Same Car - the minecart ride
You Can't Talk - Motley
Breaking Glass - Morghanna
Sorrow - the weeping doors
Never Get Old - Mellisandre
Right - Team 4 of Series 4 (Simon)
Telling Lies - Team 6 of Series 4 (Dickon)
Unwashed And Somewhat Slightly Dazed - Sylvester Hands
Changes - Chris (Series 5)
Try Some, Buy Some - Julius Scaramonger
Be My Wife - Sylvester Hands and Sidriss
Queen Bitch - Greystagg or Maldame
Future Legend - the one they call Barry
Where Are We Now? - every dungeoneer in every room
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2327/songs-for-knightmare-characters</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2327/songs-for-knightmare-characters</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Canadanne]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Sat, 10 Mar 2012 18:22:39 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Great Expectations]]></title><description><![CDATA[I did a poem analysis for this in my end of years. Miss Havisham was more cold-hearted so I was thinking more of an Aesandre persona, but that's just my opinion
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2309/great-expectations</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2309/great-expectations</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[shadow6162]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Sun, 18 Dec 2011 18:02:06 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA["What did the Romans call Colchester?"]]></title><description><![CDATA[[Setting: the Dirty Duck pub quiz.]
Motley: And the answer is... Camulodunum. Which means that by one point, Ogres N' Egg'eads 'ave beaten Smelly Melly And The Staid Maids - and they win our jackpot!
[Applause. Grimwold high-fives Grimaldine.]
Motley: 'Ard luck, girls, but I still loves ya! Congrats to the baldies and thanks for playin', everybody!
Gretel: You cow. You swore it was Caledonia.
Mellisandre: He... he lied to me...
Milly: Aye, whatever. Talk to the hand.
Molly: That's your foot, Milly.
[Mellisandre stands up.]
Mellisandre: I tell you he LIED TO ME!!
[She smashes a stool. Silence.]
Mellisandre: Go forth, everyone. [Twitch.] Don't let me keep you. [Cold laugh.] And if you ever see a boy by the name of Dickon, or anyone dear to him, you tell them, you kindly tell them, that MELLISANDRE MAKEPEACE PERHAPPENSTANCE WILL HAVE HER BLOODY VENGEANCE!!!
[Grimwold burps.]
Motley: [To himself] Fink I'll see who I can pick up in the Greenwood.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2288/what-did-the-romans-call-colchester</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2288/what-did-the-romans-call-colchester</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Drassil]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Tue, 27 Sep 2011 17:28:06 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Mock The Knightmare!]]></title><description><![CDATA[The second one . . .
Completely Abysmal Sixth Team
Contestants Are So Terrible
Clumsy Akash, Stupid Team (or Advisors instead of Akash if you prefer).
But is the real answer "Cast A Spell, TRUTH"?
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2203/mock-the-knightmare</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2203/mock-the-knightmare</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[LiamABC]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Wed, 23 Mar 2011 23:30:52 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Knightmare Cheese!]]></title><description><![CDATA[Has no-one said Motleyzarella?
And of course, cool, creamy Philadel-Fear.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2197/knightmare-cheese</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2197/knightmare-cheese</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Canadanne]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Sun, 06 Mar 2011 19:55:47 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Reality TV shows]]></title><description><![CDATA[
Slog, Tarry, A. Boyd? New teams are given Quest 6 of Series 8 and must decide whether to make the effort to take on Level 2, linger on a specially extended Level 1 or repeat Dunstan &amp; co's scandal. Hosted by the original Team 6 captain and short cut excuser Alan Boyd,* who repeatedly breaks the fourth wall to address the critics throwing themselves at it.
*Hands that feed me. I bite them.

]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2190/reality-tv-shows</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2190/reality-tv-shows</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Mystara]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Tue, 22 Feb 2011 18:44:23 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Knightmare meets Red Dwarf]]></title><description><![CDATA[Bwaaahahahaha! Dave Fear, the last Opposition member alive - his only companions, a hologram of his dead goblin master and a creature who evolved from the dungeon cat.
The Dreadnort is found in pieces after the troll lands on top of it. Fear rebuilds the 'noid, but is unable to recapture his former personality and instead he becomes a sort of camp butler.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2184/knightmare-meets-red-dwarf</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/2184/knightmare-meets-red-dwarf</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Canadanne]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Mon, 14 Feb 2011 18:47:03 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[The Ultimate Knightmare Riddle]]></title><description><![CDATA[Knightmare is actually spelled nightmare There is this and the any other riddles people solved.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1906/the-ultimate-knightmare-riddle</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1906/the-ultimate-knightmare-riddle</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[marjhunaz]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:16:16 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Imagine if Knightmare were revived by...]]></title><description><![CDATA[
"CUT!" cries the producer. "That's just nonsense. Powers like these don't come from the throat. They come... from within. All the dungeoneer needs to do is find a calm, steady centre, and to believe the effects of the spell are happening. And then they'll happen. Let's go again."

Didn't that happen a couple of times in series four?
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1850/imagine-if-knightmare-were-revived-by...</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1850/imagine-if-knightmare-were-revived-by...</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Ironlord]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Mon, 09 Jun 2008 22:54:50 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Re:Knightmare South Park Characters]]></title><description><![CDATA[Thought I'd try a few more of these...
Mellisandre (I was going to put her in the kitchen but her hair clashed with the furniture!)
Elita
Gwendoline
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1827/re-knightmare-south-park-characters</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1827/re-knightmare-south-park-characters</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Canadanne]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Thu, 07 Feb 2008 10:55:51 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[KNIGHTMARE HEROIC FAILURES!]]></title><description><![CDATA[THE LONGEST SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT TO DIS-SPELLING
*During Nel's adventure in level 2 (Season 2), he emerge out of the mountain with a wooden path leading to the next room. Before Nel's advisers guides him accross...Mogdred cackles over the dungeoneer and paralized Treguard. Instead of killing Nel on the spot, he desides to "SHROUD" him instead making him invisble. The team just wondered...what should they do? So, one decides to dis-spell Mogdred's spell...but nothing happened. As the team continues to dispell SHROUD...without an "O"...Nel's just stands there wondering what on Earth is going on?
As Treguard moans a (curtain) letter at the team...they realized what when wrong and successfully dispelled Mogdred's spell as he disappeared, able to continue their quest as Nel just wondering..."Can't they dispell it right?"*
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1806/knightmare-heroic-failures</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1806/knightmare-heroic-failures</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Mangamad]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Wed, 12 Dec 2007 17:06:00 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Smirkenorff loves PG Tips ;)]]></title><description><![CDATA[Replace Smirky with a pic of Jeremy G and you've got KMRPG Tips.
Oh the puns...
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1782/smirkenorff-loves-pg-tips</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1782/smirkenorff-loves-pg-tips</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[HStorm]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Mon, 03 Sep 2007 22:33:11 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Treguard and Tetley! ;=)]]></title><description><![CDATA[HAHA! Oh thats amazing
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1776/treguard-and-tetley</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1776/treguard-and-tetley</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Darren]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Thu, 30 Aug 2007 23:21:58 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[80's adventure villains]]></title><description><![CDATA[And the others?
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1761/80-s-adventure-villains</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1761/80-s-adventure-villains</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[HStorm]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Sat, 30 Jun 2007 16:22:04 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Winteria / The Fast Show II / Skarkill's New Eye]]></title><description><![CDATA[[Originally posted on Sunday 11 February 2007, 19:48]
Inspired by recent weather...
[Dungeoneer Ben (Team 4 of Series 5) is in Winteria. The wolf howl sound effect is heard.]
Pickle: White wolves, Master!
Treguard: Wolves are wolves, Pickle. Adding 'white' to the beginning just because there's snow around is silly.
[Merlin appears, with his customary streak of light, swigging from a large bottle of cheap cider.]
Pickle: White Lightning, Master!
[The Dreaded Khar from Series 3 rises out of the snow, singing 'Here I Go Again'.]
Pickle: White snake, Master!
[Khar begins to shake, turns very pale, groans "Ooooh... Caaaay..." and combusts, leaving the words 'Welcome 1900' floating in the air.]
Pickle: White Oo-Cay Virus, Master!
Treguard: Oh, Pickle, enough!
[Brother Mace enters, moaning about his Chardonnay.]
Pickle: White whine, Master!
[A female horse gallops across the scene.]
Pickle: White maaare! It's a white maaare!
Treguard: We are never sending a dungeoneer to Winteria again!
[Ben continues into an area where Series 2's Bumptious is reading a Games Workshop periodical.]
Pickle: White Dwarf, Master!
[Treguard sighs. Bumptious goes over to join six of his friends, who are building a cavernwight out of available resources.]
Pickle: Snow Wight and...
Treguard: Yes, I can guess the rest! Just one more, Pickle, for goodness' sake!
[Series 7's Barry appears, singing 'You're The First, The Last, My Everything'.]
Pickle: [Shrugs] Don't know what to do with that one.

Treguard: My name is not Treguard.
Brother Mace: My name is not Brother Mace.
Motley: My name ain't Motley.
...and so on.

Three years ago in this thread, I contributed Knightmare versions of many Fast Show characters/moments. Here is one I didn't think of at the time:
Lord Fear: Meee, the Thirteenth Lord of Feeear? Surrender? With my reputation? You must be out of your tiny mind!

[It is some time after the end of Series 6. Skarkill, whose legs are better after a period of convalescence, enters the Black Tower of Goth. Lord Fear and a stand-in assistant are there.]
Lord Fear: Ah, Skarkill, you've returned. I can get rid of the locum. Baldrick!
Baldrick: Sir?
Lord Fear: Now it's your turn to take some sick leave.
Baldrick: But I'm in perfect health, Sir!
Lord Fear: Let me explain. You make me sick. Leave.
Baldrick: Oh. [Shuffles out.]
Skarkill: Hehe, magnificent.
Lord Fear: Ew. Now, Skarkill, first thing's first: as a welcome-back present, I've got you a brand new eye. The eye of a hawk.
Skarkill: Most kind, yer Fearship... er, Lordship. I might rename meself: Hawkeye. Hehe, superb.
Lord Fear: What's more, I have a new seneschal on the way, courtesy of the Atlantean Royal Society of Elders, so I'm reassigning you. Since Captain Nemanor was accidentally brutally eaten by his hat last week, you're to take over command of the Cloudwalker.
Skarkill: I'm honoured! Hawkeye, Captain of the Opposition Flagship Cloudwalker! Hehe, tremendous.
Lord Fear: Oh, a couple of points. First, I've been told by the Atlanteans to expect a tuna fanatic. So the Cloudwalker is to become a fishing vessel.
Skarkill: A fish ship, Fearship?
Lord Fear: And that hawk's eye I mentioned - I don't actually know what bird it's from.
Skarkill: So that'll make me...
Baldrick: [Running back in] Captain Birdseye!
Skarkill: That's it, yer Lordship, I've 'ad enough! Spellcasting...
Lord Fear: A spell! Oh I'm so scared. Whatever could it be? Another SPLASH spell? A curse of fatal death, perhaps? Go on, Skarkill, I can't wait to find out. And good luck with the spelling part, I know it's not your strong suit.
Skarkill: ...S-W-I-T-C-H!
[Lord Fear turns into Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous.]
Skarkill: Hehehehehe! Lumley.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1735/winteria-the-fast-show-ii-skarkill-s-new-eye</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1735/winteria-the-fast-show-ii-skarkill-s-new-eye</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Drassil]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Mon, 19 Mar 2007 22:59:23 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Re:Knightmare Advent Calendar]]></title><description><![CDATA[
Dooreen is stuck on box 25 and you won't be able to open it unless you get all three true/false questions right.

No questions were suggested...
Behind door 25... a chocolate model of Father Christmas climbing down a wellway, whilst wearing the original Helmet of Justice and a knapsack full of presents.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1709/re-knightmare-advent-calendar</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1709/re-knightmare-advent-calendar</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Drassil]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Tue, 05 Dec 2006 15:45:37 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Knightmare meets Dragons' Den]]></title><description><![CDATA[Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: First into the Dragons' Den is Merlin. He wants 50,000 groats to market his invention, the Knapsack: a bag that converts food into energy without the need for eating.
[Merlin enters a cave. Inside, five dragons - Bealwit, Owen, Smirkenorff, Red Death, Firestorm of Marblehead - are sitting on treasure heaps. They eye Merlin impatiently.]
Merlin: Hello, dragons. My name is, er... erm...
Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: It's a bad start. Nerves and senility are getting the better of Merlin, and he's forgotten his name. Can he recapture the dragons' interest, and gain their investment?
[Merlin remembers his name, then explains how the Knapsack works. The dragons ponder it.]
Red Death: Hello, Merlin, I'm Red. Let me just tell you where I am: I don't believe that this product is going to sell, and so I won't be investing today.
Bealwit: Merlin, you say that this Knapsack removes the need for chewing and digesting. How does that affect toilet habits?
[Merlin falls into a confused silence.]
Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: Bealwit has uncovered a flaw in the product. With Merlin unable to explain how other bodily habits are affected by the Knapsack, Owen is ready to show his hand.
Owen: If you think that anyone is going to buy this product, and stop tasting food, then I'm afraid you're rather ignorant. I'm out.
Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: While I get paid for stating the obvious and ruining the tension, Red Death and Owen are out. Smirkenorff decides to get down to financial matters.
Smirkenorff: Merlin, I'm most keen to hear what your sales figures are to date.
Merlin: Er... I need my financial advisor to answer that.
Bealwit: Sure, call your advisor.
Merlin: Treguard, Treguard, Treguard, come!
[Treguard appears. He then proceeds to explain that no Knapsacks have been sold - they've been given away free to about 70 children. There are sharp intakes of breath from the dragons.]
Firestorm: It doesn't sound like you actually want this to be a successful business.
Merlin: No, no, I...
Firestorm: Sorry, I'm out.
Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: Three dragons are out. Now Merlin's only hopes for investment lie with Bealwit and Smirkenorff.
Bealwit: Quite frankly, I don't know what makes you think this is an investible proposition. You must have come out of the Dark Ages. I also will not be investing.
Smirkenorff: You're not going to make any money. If you'd come to us with a shield that sees, or a wand that opens doors, then perhaps I'd be investing in you. But this isn't an idea that will make you a mint, and it wouldn't make me one either. I'm out.
[Merlin and Treguard trudge out of the cave, as the dragons mutter to each other.]

[Originally posted Thu 19 Oct '06, 19:06]
Treguard: I have a Knightmare that one day this realm will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "The only way is onward, there is no turning back."
I have a Knightmare that one day on the red rocks of Bruin the elves of former Dungeon Masters and the Atlanteans of former technomancers will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a Knightmare that one day even the town of Wolfenden, a town sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a Knightmare that four little children will one day quest in a realm where they will not be judged by the number of their series but by the content of their character.
I have a Knightmare today.
I have a Knightmare that one day, down in Goth, with its vicious goblins, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Goth, little elf boys and elf girls will be able to join hands with little mireboys and miregirls as sisters and brothers.
I have a Knightmare today.
[With apologies to Martin Luther King.]
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1684/knightmare-meets-dragons-den</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1684/knightmare-meets-dragons-den</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Drassil]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Sun, 13 Aug 2006 13:56:44 GMT</pubDate></item><item><title><![CDATA[Knightmare Burp]]></title><description><![CDATA[
[Harry walks on, passing a lookalike of the dungeoneer.]
Harry: Why did you threaten her? Who are you, anyway?
[He pulls off the Boatman's cowl, exposing his face.]
Harry: Pat Sharp!
Pat: Don't watch Knightmare, kids. Watch Fun House! It's wacky, it's fun, it's crazy, it's-
Harry: Outrageous! [He pushes Pat over the side of the boat and storms off.]

In a sketch in last night's 8 Out of 10 Cats does Countdown, Jimmy Carr animated a body under a sheet a la Dr. Frankenstein. When he took off the sheet, the body was revealed to be Pat Sharp.
Sometimes, if you wait long enough, life imitates art.
]]></description><link>https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1641/knightmare-burp</link><guid isPermaLink="true">https://www.knightmare.com/forum/topic/1641/knightmare-burp</guid><dc:creator><![CDATA[Drassil]]></dc:creator><pubDate>Thu, 23 Mar 2006 16:22:54 GMT</pubDate></item></channel></rss>