Yo this is a story all about how

Our lives got withturned upside down

After our quest went awry when we all dared

To apply to be contestants on a show called Knightmare.

Sucks doesn't it?

The idea doesn't; it's just a case of making it work. Like these guys did:

Yo! This is a story all about how, some guys from York had their chances turned upside down!

They whistled for Motley and when he came near, the mine cart said fresh and had dice in the mirror!

If anything they thought that this ride was free, but they thought na forget it: go on to level three!

I have often thought Knightmare would have been a better series if Treguard had rapped a bit more. At the beginning. Like the Fresh Prince. In a spinning chair. Tim Child. I speak for the whole Knightmare community.

Okay, here's my effort. It's Treguard reviewing the Quest of Series 3 Team 10 ("Julie and the Goblins", of course), pretty much in the same format as the Fresh Prince bit. (I can't believe I checked up on the Fresh Prince words on Google. My most embarrassing search ever is now "Fresh Prince 'This is a story all about how'".) Imagine Hugo on aforementioned spinning chair if it helps blot out the awful words.

*Now this is a story all about why

Julie from Leicester was doomed to die.

I'll just recap a minute, don't tell me to talk faster

Because I'm Treguard Dunshelm, the funky Dungeon Master.

Back in Level One on a quest for the sword

Got questioned by Brangwen and two good truths scored.

Sidesteppin', walkin' forward, turnin' right, stop

And all laughing loud at Amanda's starry top.

Got life force damaged on the wellway by a ghoulie

But it was Amanda's horrid outfit that really frightened Julie.

Got wrong one little riddle and missed out on magic

So they were doomed to a death both hilarious and tragic.

They went on through the level and escaped Mogdred's minions

Then into a long room where they had some strange opinions.

In the corridor nasty things then paid a visit

But instead of escaping they shouted out "Who is it?".

Got surrounded by goblins, it was lookin' real unpleasant

But they just tried to offer the evil creeps a present.

So as the goblins started to stab and thump her

I said "Ooh, that is nasty" but I meant Amanda's jumper.*

Onto my latest offerings. First, Merlin sings about what he was up to during certain Series 4 quests. Based on Living in a Box by none other than Living in a Box. Official music video

Woke up this morning

Closed in round my feet

Helen's questing

She shows compassion

As I open my eyes

I was testing

I've found a way to get

Many dungeoneers' aid

Let Gundrada try it too

And the maid

Am I sitting in the stocks

Am I sitting in a set of stocks

Am I sitting in the stocks

Am I sitting in a set of stocks

Am I sitting in the stocks

Life goes in circles

Around and around

Circulating

Seven quests later

I'm asking Giles for help

With escaping

I've found a way to get

Many dungeoneers' aid

Let Gundrada try it too

And that maid

Am I sitting in the stocks

Am I sitting in a set of stocks

Am I sitting in the stocks

Am I sitting in a set of stocks

Am I sitting in the stocks...

Second, a song about the final parts of the winning quest of Series 6. Based on Walk the Dinosaur by Was (Not Was). Official audio

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom

Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom

[ x 6]

It was a day like this back in 1992

Entered a spider's lair, picked up an astrolabe to go

The captain he was grateful, he wanted to thank me

He summoned up the wind, and I got to Level Three

And walked the Mines of Gore, thanks, Captain Nemanor

Open the door, get on the floor

Everybody walk the Mines of Gore

[x 4]

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom

Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom

[x 2]

I went into a cave, conjured Hordriss with a TRICK

He had to be my slave, and then he helped me out quick

That day I had a sorcerer right there at my behest

We sent him back, I stayed awake and got on with the quest

And walked the Mines of Gore, I walked the Mines of Gore

Open the door, get on the floor

Everybody walk the Mines of Gore

[x 4]

A villain on a ledge, smug enough to be Lord Fear

A flying splashing noise sweeter than I'll ever hear

I knew I had to take the crown, and linger there no more

Suddenly a crucial dash down a dwarvish corridor

I left the Mines of Gore, I left the Mines of Gore

Open the door, get on the floor

Everybody leave the Mines of Gore

[ x 4]

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom

Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom...