Original lyrics | Audio

On a dark winter Friday

Schoolchildren prepare

Warm welcome, advisors

Conjured out of thin air

"Now the Helmet of Justice

To stop you losing your mind"

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to go in there blind

There I stood in the doorway

I heard the dungeon rules

And I was thinking to myself

There could be dragons or there could be ghouls

Then he turned to the portal

And he showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor

I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the castle of confusion

Such a LOVELY place (Such a lovely place)

Such a LOVELY chase

Plenty of doom at the castle of confusion

Any time that Fear (Any time that Fear)

Kills a dungeoneer

His magic's evil and twisted

He got the monsters he sends

He got a lot of pretty spiffy toys

So who needs friends

How he laughs as the Dreadnorts

Leave them all dead

Some choose to dismember

Some choose to behead

So I called up the jester

"Please help with the mine"

He said: "We haven't used that method here

Since 1989!"

And still those voices are calling

From far away

When you're stuffed 'cos a riddle wasn't right

You can hear them say...

Welcome to the castle of confusion

Such a LOVELY place (Such a lovely place)

Such a LOVELY chase

No winnin' the Cup at the castle of confusion

What an awful price (What an awful price)

For your bad advice

Mogdred on the ceiling

The entrance on the right

And he said: "Now I hold you prisoner here

With a catacombite!"

And in the antechamber

They're gathering their wits

We jab it with a lady's glove

But it just won't fall to bits

Last thing I remember

I was running for the door

I had to find the passage back

To the place I was before

Alas, this is Knightmare

They are programmed to attack

You can check out any room you like

But there's no turning back!