It's half past four in the afternoon

The regular crowd's tuning in

They are watching Children's ITV

And they wait with a comical grin

They say, "Mum, can you get me a video

The other one's run out of room

I've got Knightmare to tape and the team's in a scrape

In some dark and deep catacomb."

Give me a quest, I'm the dungeoneer

Give me a quest tonight

Well I really don't want to be plunging 'ere

So make sure I step to the right

Now John... I mean Merlin's a friend to all

He gives me a spell or three

And he's slow to cast VIM, though I rather like him

And forgive him for Casper the Key

He says, "Beware that Mogdred's not killing you

Making skin flake away from your face.

Well I'm sure he'd join Hugo in pantomime

If we could get out of this place."

Now Paul plays the jester and vagabond

Who never had time for a bath

And he's talking with Mark Knight, who has bark and has bite

And probably will cross my path

And the greenwarden's practising archery

As the witches' queen sits on her throne

And the skeletron's clinking in boniness

While I barter with stinking old crones

Give me a quest, I'm the dungeoneer

Me and my friends, the guides

Well we're all in the mood for a corridor

Yes even with blades down the sides

It's a pretty good crew in the studio

The floor manager gives me a smile

'Cause he knows that it's me

They'll be watching to see

To forget about life for a while

And the Dungeon's bursting with carnivores

And the Helmet is quelling my fear

And there's no turning back: I put bread in my sack

And say, "Time to sidestep out of here."

Give me a quest, I'm the dungeoneer

Give me a quest tonight

Though I know that I could get a pungent rear

If they get me reeling in fright