Ballmer would probably die as he was ranting and the sweat on him would attract the Cavernwrights even if he did lay down a piece of meat for them. That's if he got to level 3 at all.

I think I would prefer Mr Richard O'Brien (not relates to me, thank you!) over Mr Ed Tudor Pole, somehow I can see Richard fit in to it far better, like ahem I believe he did on Crystal Maze.  

I prefer Mr. O'Brien also! I found it funny the way he would randomly talk crap to the camera and play his harmonica. Mumsie!

Treguard: Dire warning, team. Your lifeforce lost a nasty chunk from that one.

Dungeoneer: Um...

Tarrantor: Do you want to phone a friend?

Dungeoneer: Yes please.

Tarrantor: Well, you can't. So there.

Sir David Frost: It's time to go through the trapdoor!

(or an early David Frost : That Was The Witch That Was)

George Bush: This opposition we are faced with are tyrannical, but if we unite we can get through this dungeon and acheive our goal, you are either with the powers that be, or the opposition.

And here's a comment from the Opposition Infomation Minister.

Comical Ali: The Opposition is a force of good, once we get Dungoneers, we treat them like they're the richest people on the planet.

David: Here we are in one of the most hostile environments, but in harsh places like these, wall monsters must survive.

DJ Casper (as a guide, as much as I hate the cha cha slide song): O.K theres a giant pit in front of you, so do whaqt I say. Slide to the right, take it back now y'all, slide to the left, three hops this time.

George Bush: This opposition we are faced with are tyrannical, but if we unite we can get through this dungeon and acheive our goal, you are either with the powers that be, or the opposition.

A guide for John Prescott: O.K John, take three steps left and eat the pie... You were meant to put it in your knapsack!

Bill Gates: I have installed a new floating skull, the FloatSkull04. This will be fast, effective and more efficient with dungeoneer killing.

Dungoneer: You're supposed to be the guide, you've made the quest harder.

Tony: Why have told me to go to the left when I should be going to the right.

...AND...

Tony: Now I am trapped in a room that has no means of escape.

Gorden: I know, bye!

Tony Blair: the reason these dungeons are so run down is due to the years of under-funding by the conservatives.

If it was the french version, you just KNOW Gordon Brown would guide Tony off of a cliff so he could take command.

Ed Tudor Pole: Have a cosmic hand shake chap.

Anne Robinson: Slyvester Hands, you are the Weakist Link, good bye.

Ozzy Osbourne: Why did you put this ****ing helmet on my head? Do you want me to crash into a ****ing wall or something?

I wonder if Ozzy would be tempted to bite the head off one of those animated bats from Series 3?

in the time he has been ranting life force pie has run out

Gordon: And what the F*** was that pie, I wouldn't serve s**** like that in my kitchen....

Thankfully Treguard dismisses him

Uri Gella: I will rid this room of its haunting by staring at it... ...dam I've got a helmet on.

Bruce Foresyth (in a certain series 7 & 8 room): Higher than an ace... (sorry but it had to be done)

Simon Cowell (in series 6): Ridolfo I must stop you now, you singing is rubbish please leave.

Tony Blair: the reason these dungeons are so run down is due to the years of under-funding by the conservatives.

Johnny Vega: Ah I've at the Crazed Heffer, sod the quest I'm staying here, pint please.

Ozzy Osbourne: Why did you put this ****ing helmet on my head? Do you want me to crash into a ****ing wall or something?

David Dickinson: Wow! You three may want to take the gem of power, but this antique lamp is a right bobby dazzler!

Linda Barker: The colours in this dungeon are very drab and dull, I think a splash of paint here could do nicely. (Paints walls). I think that works really well!

Gareth Gates: Spell casting G G G G G G G (dungeoneer dies) (A bit mean that one)

Jordan: Trial By Spikes - The spikes didnt kill you, your boobs were in the way.

Somehow I don't think that she would even make it that far!

That's magic...

Derren Brown being eaten by a wall blocker cause he failed to make a psychological connection with it, thus  guessing the wrong password.

(Well, if the whole Russian roulette thing didn't manage to bump him off only good ol' Knightmare can provide the perfect means) I am sooo evil  

Paul Daniels, I want him to die in a magical duel with Mogdread, out of which when Daniels is dead, Mogdread turns to the camera and says "Well I dont know about you, but I liked that............I liked that a lot, mwha ha ha agh aha ha aha ha aha !"

Timmy Mallet by a huge gigatic sledge hammer falling on top of his head, out of which the dungeon calls out, "Now you dont like it when it happens to you, do you!"

David Blaine:- Fails to answer 3 of Brangwens riddles and we see the first time a Wall Monster destroying the dungeoneer. Let's see him try and show how THAT is an illusion.

Iain Duncan-Smith - sidestep left type death: If you can't trust your aides, you can't trust anyone.

Hehe, I like that. Alternatively, all his advisors are saying "You'll have to move to your left if you want to win!" but old IDS keeps sidestepping to the right- that's what Lady Thatcher did when she conquered the dungeon, so he thinks it'll work in any circumstance.

Delia Smith - Dies in Mildread's Cauldron. " Are you sure you want bats wings in here, Mildread? Thyme would be slightly more conventional..."

Edward Tudor Pole - Tries to cosmic handshake Snapper Jack and gets bitten by the Glove Puppet of Pure Evil.  

David Dickinson - Life force runs out as he spends ages talking to camera describing the clue objects in the Level 1 Clue Room. "Oooh, now this horn, lovely craftsmanship, that's got to be a bobby dazzler. I think the glove's a duffer."