The dungeonaut Lucy enters a cave with CLIVE THE CRUSADER (dressed in the attire of the Knights Templar with helmet, boots and sword) who is accompanying her on this section of the quest. In the middle of the cave are the remains of a small fire. Against the left wall is a blanket and a scattering of bones. A chicken drumstick lies on the floor to the right of the fire. There is an exit on the rear wall.

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

(His accent is very posh English)

Oh pong, pong and pong again! This place smells like a Frenchman’s underpants after a double helping of garlic surprise on All Saints Day when the public lavatories are closed!

Clive walks over to the fire, hunches down and prods at it.

Scene 2 Shot 1: Closeup of Clive

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

Hmm, still warm. Whatever foul specimen resides here cannot be far away. Lucy, stay here while I scout the area. If you need me, call my name thrice.

Scene 3 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Clive draws his sword and walks off screen.

Scene 4 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber

TREBAKE

Tread carefully team. As Clive the Crusader has intimated this cave appears to be the dwelling of some feral creature. The fire, however, does suggest at least a small level of intelligence. My guess would be an ogre; I hope for your sake that Clive is not long gone.

Scene 5 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors

ADVISOR 3

We should get that piece of chicken.

ADVISOR 1

Yeah. Lucy, sidestep to your right. And again. Now walk forward until you can see a chicken drumstick.

Scene 6 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Lucy moves as directed to the food.

ADVISOR 1

(Voiceover:)

Ok, put it in your bum sack.

Lucy does so. At that moment the OGRE runs on with a growl. It is the same actor who plays Clive; they are now dressed in a fur skin, are barefoot and have a wig of shaggy hair.

OGRE

That mine! You steal chicken!

Scene 7 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors

ADVISOR 2

Do you think we should give it back?

ADVISOR 1

Maybe. Lucy, ask him if he wants it back.

ADVISOR 2

And say sorry.

Scene 8 Shot 1: Closeup of ogre over shoulder of dungeonaut

DUNGEONAUT

Sorry - do you want it back?

OGRE

No! I no want back. I no eat out your bum sack!

Scene 9 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

The ogre walks over to the bed area and picks up a large bone.

OGRE

You on own?

Scene 10 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors

ADVISOR 1

Yes or no?

ADVISOR 3

I think we should say yes.

ADVISOR 2

What if Clive comes back?

ADVISOR 3

I…just have a feeling he won't.

ADVISOR 1

Ok Lucy, say yes.

Scene 11 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

DUNGEONAUT

Yes.

We hear a sound from off screen.

OGRE

What that noise? If you lying, I bone you in head! (Brandishes bone).

The ogre stalks off screen.

Scene 11 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber

TREBAKE

You have a choice here team: leave this place while the going is good - but lose your guide - or call for help and hope your companion reaches you first. Whatever you decide, I suggest you do it quickly.

The advisors confer inaudibly and nod agreement at each other.

ADVISOR 1

Lucy, summon Clive.

Scene 12 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

DUNGEONAUT

Clive! Clive! Clive!

Clive runs back on screen. The actor is now back dressed as a knight but instead of a helmet they are wearing the ogre’s wig.

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

What is it Lucy - are you alright?

DUNGEONAUT

There was an ogre.

Scene 13 Shot 1: Closeup of Clive over Dungeonaut's shoulder

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

An ogre? Well that makes sense - there’s a pile of poo back there so large it looks like the time Bendy Wendy the tavern girl put a whole pot of curry powder in the stew the very same day the privy flush malfunctioned.

Clive puts his hand over his mouth and not very subtly roars.

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

It seems our ogre friend is back! Have no fear Lucy, leave this…to Clive!

Scene 14 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Clive runs off screen.

There is an awkward pause as the dungeonaut stands alone.

Scene 15 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber

Shot of advisors staring at screen.

Scene 16 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

The ogre reappears. Along with his wig and fur skin he is wearing the knight’s boots and carrying his sword.

Scene 17 Shot 1: Closeup of Ogre over dungeonaut's shoulder

OGRE

Grr. Where is other one? Tell now or I bash bash! (Waves sword).

The Ogre puts his hand over his mouth in order to do Clive’s voice.

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

Step away from that fair maiden you depraved article of foulness!

OGRE

(To ‘Clive’ off screen:)

You invade home! I kill now!

The ogre puts his hand over his mouth again.

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

We’ll see about that! Come on then sewage breath!

Scene 18 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Sword aloft, the ogre rushes off screen with a roar. We are left with a shot of the dungeonaut standing alone while the following exchange occurs.

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

(From off screen:)

Aha! Not quick enough old bean!

OGRE

(From off screen:)

Rargh!

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

(From off screen:)

Ow, that bloody hurt!

OGRE

(From off screen:)

Rargh!

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

(From off screen:)

Take that you swine!

The ogre roars in pain and staggers onto screen clutching his side with both hands. He still wears the knight’s boots.

Scene 19 Shot 1: Closeup of Ogre over shoulder of dungeonaut

OGRE

(In plummy English accent:)

God dammit that hurts!

(Realising:)

Grr, hurt bad!

He collapses to the floor, dead. He lies face down, arms outstretched, head towards the camera.

Pregnant pause.

The ‘body’ of the ogre as subtly as possible commando crawls towards the edge of the screen. When his hands are out of shot they are pulled the rest of the way by persons unseen.

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

(Speaking as he is dragged off face down:)

Christ this thing is heavy.

Shot of dungeonaut standing alone.

Scene 20 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake

TREBAKE

Luckily for you team it appears that Clive has won the day - Lucy may venture a little further with his help and guidance.

Scene 21 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Lingering shot of dungeonaut standing alone.

Scene 21 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake

TREBAKE

I'm sure he'll be back any moment now.

Scene 22 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Clive comes back on screen out of breath and wearing the ogre’s wig, the knight’s top, no trousers and one boot; the other foot is bare. He is carrying the bone.

Scene 23 Shot 1: Closeup of Clive over Dungeonaut's shoulder

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

Well that takes care of that abomination! Are you alright Lucy?

Dungeonaut

Well, I'm a bit worried that we came into the ogre’s home uninvited, stole his food and then killed him for no particular reason. Doesn't seem very chivalrous.

CLIVE THE CRUSADER

(Caught off guard:)

Erm…Nonsense Lucy! Um…all ogre's are quite evil…heaven knows what would have happened to you if I hadn't been here as your swordsman (holds up bone). Er, right, well, let us see what the dungeon has in store for us next. This way!

Scene 24 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Pointing the way with the bone and limping because of his missing boot, Clive leads the dungeonaut to the exit.

Portal whoosh.

FADE TO BLACK.

END.