Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

The dungeonaut Paul enters a room with bookcases around the walls, a throne and two doors.

DUNGEONAUT

Where is this?

Scene 2 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber

ADVISOR 1

You're in what looks like some kind of study. There's a throne in the middle of the room and two doors - one on the rear wall and one on the right wall.

Scene 3 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake

TREBAKE

Ah, welcome to the dungeon’s throne room. The powerful mage who resides here could provide valuable assistance - if you appease him by rising to his challenge of course. However, there doesn't appear to be anyone at home…

Scene 4 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors

ADVISOR 1

Shall we try to summon help using the incantation Labya the Naturist gave us?

ADVISOR 3

Yeah, good idea.

ADVISOR 2

Ok.

(Reading:)

Sands of gold and fields of green

Guide our path to level three

Scene 5 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

MERLOT the Magician leaps into the room. He looks dishevelled and is holding a bottle of red wine. He is very drunk, slurring his words and unsteady on his feet.

MERLOT

Well huzzah! It is I…

ADVISOR 2

(Voiceover:)

Waters of the blue lagoon.

MERLOT

Oh you're still going (walks back off screen).

Scene 6 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 2

ADVISOR 2

Help us find the holy spoon.

Scene 7 Shot 1: Wideshot of dungeon

Merlot leaps back into the room.

MERLOT

Alacabamba! It is I…

Scene 8 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 2

ADVISOR 2

Robin swift and red of breast.

Scene 9 Shot 1: Wideshot of dungeon

MERLOT

Oh you're joking me. I'm just gonna stand here (stands in corner of room).

ADVISOR 2 (VO):

Come and aid us in our quest.

MERLOT

(Pregnant pause) Is it me now? You sure? There's not another line about a … river of piss or a meadow of…pubes? No? Good! Well, bing bang bollocks, it is I - Merlot the magician! And I do magic and shit. Whoopsie, language! Sorry Susan! Have you met the producer person, the delectabubble Susan? I think she's smashin…

As he talks Merlot sits on the arms of the throne. The chair falls over and Merlot topples backwards. He drops his bottle.

MERLOT

My wine!

Scene 10 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake

TREBAKE

(Through nervous laughter:)

Our sorcerer friend may act the fool but do not be deceived for he has the potential to become a powerful ally.

Scene 11 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

With some difficulty Merlot picks himself up before carrying on as if nothing happened. His wig is now slightly askew.

MERLOT

So… who are you then?

DUNGEONAUT

Paul

Scene 12 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the shoulder of dungeonaut

MERLOT

Ah, Paul, Paul, the piper’s son, kissed the girls and… pulled out a plum! So what are you doing here in my…whatever they've made this look like?

DUNGEONAUT

I'm on a quest for the holy spoon and I need to find the path to level three.

MERLOT

(Sotto voce:)

Jesus what a pile of wank.

(Normally:)

Ok! Ok, sorry, sorry. Well Phil, here's how it's gonna go down. You must answer a thing and then I'll say some stuff. Alrighty?

DUNGEONAUT

Yes.

MERLOT

OK…oooookaaaayyy…what is…I've got this…what…is the….biggest…fish…in the…pond?

Scene 13 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake

Shot of Trebake looking puzzled/confused.

Scene 14 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors

ADVISOR 3

How about the Russian Taimen trout? They can grow almost seven feet long and weigh up to 230 pounds.

ADVISOR 1

Yeah but aren't they more of a river fish? I was thinking maybe the Nile Perch.

ADVISOR 2

Well sure, they're big but they’re extremely aggressive hunters - not sure they live in ponds.

ADVISOR 1

Actually, I think you’ll find they can be found in lakes, rivers, streams AND ponds throughout the Ethiopian region of Africa, the Mediterranean region, the Nile delta and the Congo Basin.

ADVISOR 2

Ok, if you're sure.

ADVISOR 1

Yeah, pretty sure. Paul, say the Nile Perch.

Scene 15 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the dungeonaut's shoulder

DUNGEONAUT

The Nile Perch.

MERLOT

(Pause) Yeah, if you like. So! Here's a little ditty which contains (exaggerated stage whisper:) valuable information. (Clears throat).

(Singing:)

Ooh I'm Keith the little octopus and I live beneath the waves…I've got eight arms and I've got…one head and I'm very, very brave. I live next door to Barry the lobster who goes snip snap with his… things… in fact, he’s a bit of a cunt.

Scene 16 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors

Shot of advisors looking shocked.

Scene 17 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake

TREBAKE

(Through forced laughter:)

Haha, what a delightful old children's classic! They, er, don't write them like that anymore! (Grins inanely).

Scene 18 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the dungeonaut's shoulder

MERLOT

Right then Pete, now I've scratched your balls will you scratch mine?

DUNGEONAUT

What shall I say?

MERLOT

You wha’? Who you talking to? Oh right, yeah.

Scene 19 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors

ADVISOR 2

What do you guys think?

ADVISOR 3

Well, just thinking about the challengers’ code - good is often found on the right hand side. So maybe we should scratch his right ball but not his left?

Scene 20 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake

Shot of Trebake in squinty eyed bemusement.

Scene 21 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors

ADVISOR 2 (addressing Advisor 1:)

Hmm. What do you reckon - do you think his left testicle could be evil?

ADVISOR 1

Er…well to be honest I assumed he was speaking metaphorically.

ADVISOR 2

Oh ok, yeah. Paul, tell him you’ll do it but only metaphorically.

Scene 22 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the shoulder of dungeonaut

DUNGEONAUT

I will scratch your balls metaphorically.

MERLOT

Thanks pal. Can you close your eyes real tight for me?

Merlot takes the helmet off Paul, turns it upside down and vomits copiously inside.

MERLOT

Ah, that is fucking Tetley. Cheers mate.

Scene 23 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Merlot makes to put the helmet back on Paul’s head. The floor manager runs on.

FLOOR MANAGER

No you don't!

The two wrestle with the helmet which falls to the ground. Merlot then punches the floor manager who falls down unconscious. Merlot starts dancing round in a boxing stance.

MERLOT

Come on then you bastards!

A lady wearing a headset walks onto set.

SUSAN THE PRODUCER

Sshh…Come on now, calm down.

MERLOT

Susan!

Scene 24 Shot 1: Closeup of Susan over Merlot's shoulder

SUSAN THE PRODUCER

Calm down. Shhh. Would you Iike a bar snack?

Scene 25 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over Susan's shoulder

MERLOT

What sort of bar snack?

Scene 26 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Susan holds up a packet of Scampi Fries.

SUSAN THE PRODUCER

Ooh look what Susan’s got! Scampi Fries! You want some? Yeah? Come on then! Good boy! That's it!

Susan shakes the packet and backs off screen. Merlot follows eagerly. Paul is left standing helmetless beside the body of the floor manager. Two other crew members come in and carry the body off. One crew member then returns and picks up the helmet of faith.

CREW MEMBER

(Wincing:)

Jesus!

He carries the helmet off. A few moments later he returns with a large brown paper bag which he places over Paul’s head. He leaves.

Scene 27 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake

Trebake gets handed a piece of paper from someone off screen.

TREBAKE

(Reading:)

Er, time out imminent team.

Scene 28 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon

Shot of Paul standing alone with a bag on his head.

A bell tolls for time out.

MERLOT

(Voiceover:)

Last orders! Mine’s a pint!

Scene 28 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber

Shot of the advisors pointing at the screen. FREEZE FRAME. The bell tolls a second time.

MERLOT

(Voiceover:)

Bloody hell, give us a chance!

CUT TO BLACK.

END.