(An alarm clock beeps. A figure dressed in pyjamas rises up, and turns it off- we see the time is 7:59am. As he moves into the light, we see the man is Pat Sharp. He sneaks downstairs singing...)

Pat: I'm a secret Knightmare watcher...I'm trying to give it up, but it's one of those shows!

(He sneaks into the living room, turns on the TV, and starts dancing as the opening credits play)

Pat: Knightmare series oooooooone! I'm a secret Knightmare watcher!

(Suddenly, the light turns on. Pat stops, turns around in surprise, and sees Melanie and Martina there, dressed in nighties and staring at Pat. A pause, then:)

Pat: Well, what else is there to do that's a whole lotta fun at 8am?

(M&M shrug, and they all start dancing)

Pat: Knightmare Series oooooooone! I'm a secret Knightmare watcher!

Announcer: Knightmare! Weekends at 8 on Challenge!

(M&M are now either side of Pat, with their thumbs up. Pat points at the camera)

Pat: Because Sharp said so!

[Fatilla the Hun is doing a pole dance on stage. He starts to strip... first his sash, then his tunic, then he starts to undo his trousers... fortunately at this moment the film grinds to a halt.]

VOICE OVER:  "If you don't want to see the rest of this disturbing footage, watch Knightmare on Challenge? tv every weekend. Remember, if the viewing figures aren't over 500,000 every weekend... you'll get more of THIS!!!!"

[The film resumes. Fade out just as Fatilla is beginning to work down his trunks...]

Voice Over: Watch Knightmare on Challenge? tv. Or we'll show you explicit, unedited footage of Lord Fear smiling, 24 hours a day.

Treguard: Welcome, watchers. The path is once again open, so...

Pickle: Never mind that, Master, it's starting!

(Treguard notices Pickle staring at the Magic Mirror with interest)

Treguard: Starting? What are you babbling on about now, Elfwit? This phase of the dungeon has already started!

Pickle: No, no, on Challenge!

Treguard: Well, I would say it was a challenge to master the dungeon, but...

Pickle: Challenge TV, master, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 7pm. Our adventures are being televised in the Watcher's world, and shown throughout their world. Ooh look, there's me!

Treguard: I see...well, I s'pose it gives budding strangers a...tutorial, if you like, on how to master the dungeon. Er, when are they being shown again?

(Pickle is still staring at the Magic Mirror)

Treguard: Pickle!

Pickle: Wha? Huh? Oh, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 7pm.

Treguard: Thank you. Now, where was I? Ah yes...Enter, Stranger!

(Boyard appears)

Boyard: Jaques, the do...who the 'ell are you?

Annoucer: Knightmare. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, only on Challenge.

Cheerleaders. "Give us a B... B! Give us an O... O! Give us an R... R! Give us a U... U! Give us an S..."

Voice Over:  "Some spelling games just aren't any fun. So..."

[Screen fills with flame "burning away" the view of the ground, to be replaced with a view of Dicken's team in confrontation with Malice.]

Voice Over: "Try this one!"

Advisor: "Spellcasting... F-I-R-E!"

[Blast of fire hits Malice, who screams and disappears.]

Voice Over: "Knightmare, every Saturday and Sunday on Challenge? tv! Get the spelling wrong here and you'll discover... it's no game at all."

(Picture starts to appear, sat at his pool, Lord Fear is plotting away to himself)

LF: A visit?  You mean THE visit.  For this is THE lord of Fear, THE man, and all that.  You know, I find it amusing you idiots will be challenging me again, I really do.  Not one of you is brave enough you know, not one.....Hey hold on I'm losing my link here....No, not him, anyone but him!

(Picture fades out.  In a few seconds, another appears on the screen)

Treguard:  Him, Lord Fear?  Yes it is me, Treguard, Dungeon Master.  And will you lot challenge?  Of course you will, I have every confidence in you.  So take the challenge on....

(Scroll apears showing time/date etc)

...Ah yes, that's right.  Join us then to see who will be my champion, prove to Lord Fear that evil shall never win.....I know you will.

(Treguard stares at the audience as the screen slowly fades to the title screen which has details of the time/date etc once again)

Announcer:  Yes that's right, Knightmare is back, and it is back on .................. (date/time), only on ................ (channel), so don't miss it!

Now THAT's clever!

[We see a gloomy lecture room with a group of people discussing critical theory.]

Old man: So, as we argue whether Marxist theory is applicable today, we are also compelled to address the inherent shortfalls of which Marx himself was no doubt aware, as exposed in subsequent years by the constituents of the Frankfurt School. Is that not the case?

Voiceover: Karl Marx fans...

[Grimwold smashes his way into the room, terrifying those already present; followed by Mellisandre, followed by Velda, and others.]

Voiceover: ...And Knightmare fans. [The Voiceover gives dates and times of Knightmare episodes.]

For KM;

KM theme plays in background

Announcer: The dungeon beckons the challenger forward; enter stranger.

montage of entry clips

Announcer: Are you ready to face your Knightmare? If so watch Knightmare , and just hope you don't end up like this

montage of death clips followed by

Treguard: Ooh, Nasty!

Announcer: Knightmare,rise up to the Challenge!

Announcer:  "Hi.  Y'know, whenever I get constipation, my Doctor always prescribes for me... Californian fig syrup."

Announcer:  "But I pour scorn on such out-dated treatment, and instead... I watch Knightmare, in the confident knowledge that it'll get my digestive tract moving in no time.  Knightmare, available without prescription from Challenge TV every Saturday and Sunday... guaranteed to scare the sh*t out of you."