Treguard: How old are you, Michael?

Michael: I'm fourteen.

Treguard: Fourteen, right.

Michael: And a half.

Treguard: Fourteen and a half.

Michael: Why did you repeat my age back to me?

Treguard: I always do it... this series... for some reason.

Michael: Do I look older? Younger? Is it remarkable to have dungeoneers of my age?

Treguard: I...

Michael: Do you have something witty to say about yourself at my age, like Gundrada the Sword Mistress a few years ago?

Treguard: Er...

Ben A: Do you want to know our ages?

Treguard: No, I'm not remotely curious.

Haydn: Are you going to tell us your age?

Treguard: No.

Ben S: Why?

Treguard: Look, I'm sorry. I'm not having a good phase. They took my chair away and chopped it up for firewood and pencils, I have to do this weird oy-vey-c'est-la-vie pose whenever a dungeoneer dies and Hordriss had Sidriss redesign the life force meter. It's now a...

Majida: Shh, don't say it. I cannot hear it.

Ben A: I'm glad we ran in earlier instead of walking, saving valuable seconds for this discussion.

Michael: Well as long as everyone gets a shot at a three-level quest, the knapsack works the same as it always has and you connect with the watchers at the end, it's all fine.

[Treguard winces. Sidriss walks in holding a pie.]

Sidriss: Life force! Get your life force!

Majida: [Sighing] Put it in the pool.

Treguard: When this phase is over, I'm going to get a new chair, put some do-not-disturb leaves in my hair and sit down until at least 2013.

Michael: Thirteen.

Veruca: Spellcasting: R!

Stuart: Her pirate impression needs work.

Veruca: E! F!

Phil: She's referring Treguard to a healer who specialises in sleep disorders?

Emma: Let's see if she can shout the unseasonal leaves off his hair.

Veruca: R! E! S! H!

Dan: Ooh, we're getting refreshments!

Veruca: REFRESH!

Dan: Aww.

Merlin: It is Christmas that approaches. In fact, it is almost upon us. You do want to be home for Christmas don't you, boys?

[The team nod their heads.]

Merlin: Really? Because I-I was expecting you to shake your heads. If you had, I'd have reformed Level 3 long enough for you to complete your quest. Not just for your sake, but for the watchers' too.

[The team look distraught.]

Merlin: A-any obvious gesture would have done it. From any one of you. Brett holding his palms up, for example. Think about that, Brett. Your palms could have undone all of this. Do the honours, will you, Dungeon Master?

Treguard: But of course, Merlin. Spellcasting: D, I, S, M, I, S, S.

[The boys fade away, with Brett staring at his palms.]

Pickle: We may yet get a hand gesture from them, Master.

Treguard: I fear so, Pickle. Best not let the watchers see them departing. Farewell, Giles, Robin, Andrew and Brett...

Gibbet: Who turned that light on? Who disturbs the sleep of Gibbet?

Simon: I'm your new supervisor. Would you care to explain why you were asleep with the light off instead of standing guard?

Gibbet: Um... wasn't expecting to ad lib... it's, eh, a medical condition.

Simon: Medical condition?

Gibbet: Aye. I'm photocidal. When the light's on, I want to commit murder.

Simon: Commit what?

Gibbet: Murder.

Simon: Say again?

Gibbet: MURDER. Can you not hear?

Simon: I can. I just like the way you say that.

Gibbet: This isn't the job for Gibbet. I'd rather be a blacksmith. But the equipment's not cheap.

Simon: I can help with that, if you let me down the wellway.

Gibbet: Alright.

Jonathan: Spellcasting: A-N-V-I-L.

[A floating anvil appears... then falls into the wellway, blocking it.]

Gibbet: Say nighty night, little one...

Craig Charles: Nighty night? More like sh*tey sprite.

Treguard: Well I will if he will. Shall we find out? Lord Fear? Lord Fear. Are you ready for suspenders?

Lord Fear: What? Me, suspenders? You must be absolutely out of your tiny... MIND! [Pause.] I'll think about it.

Ben: Thank you so much. I lost the eyeshield out there but who cares? Woo! I couldn't have done this on my own. I'd like to thank my team, my family, Anglia Television, Tim Child, the beautiful city of Norwich, but most of all Hordriss...

Pickle: Of course. For giving you the two spells you needed to win, along with generous hints as to which one to use at which point.

Ben: ...The real, unsung hero of my quest...

Treguard: Really?

Ben: ...Who made this cape appear on me when I entered Winteria. It stuck by me all the way, stopped me from freezing my knapsack off and kept my Life Force from running out. Without Hordriss, the Winterian chill would have been Kipling, I mean crippling.

[Grudging applause from Treguard and Pickle. Hordriss appears in the Magic Mirror. He is blushing.]

Hordriss: Well. One does make exceedingly good capes.

Advisor Jim: "OK Alan, you're back home in St Albans, you're on a street so you're not gonna fall off anything, you're definitely safe now..."

(ominous rumble)

Sarah: Ok there is a clue table up here, i think I know what to do.

Helen: Thats good because I had nothing ttt-to say

William: We need a token so I think we should pick up the arrow

Sarah: Ok, the poison doesnt look to good does it

Keeley: "Anything!"

Bwahaha!

Oracle: When faced with death, you must go left, or you from life will be bereft.

[Jeremy Corbyn runs in.]

Corbyn: Thank you!

[Corbyn runs out.]

Leo: Who was that?

Treguard: I don't know. He appeared neither to be from your time nor mine. I can't imagine how he got in. Or will get in. Perhaps it was his penchant for knapsacks.

Oracle: HOGG helped him. He got some of their mines reopened.

Treguard: Ah.

Oracle: You'll look like him in about 26 years, you know.

Treguard: Oh come off it, love!

The 11th Doctor regenerating into the 12th Doctor will be hard pushed to follow the 1st Treguard regenerating into the 1st Treguard.

[Veruca completes the REFRESH spell and Treguard spins himself young. He looks around.]

Treguard: Kidsies! I've got new kidsies. I don't like the colour.

[Silence.]

Treguard: They're not... green enough.

Veruca: [Sighing] Not this again. Spellcasting: R! E! V! E! A! L!

Stuart: Aaaaand what does that spell?

Veruca: REVEAL!

[Treguard turns into Lissard.]

Veruca: Well, the scales have fallen from my eyes. Must we do this every Monday? There's no fish here. Now get out!

Lissard: But... I've lost my kiteness. It blew through oneness ofness yourness windowsness.

Stuart: You should have used a harness.

Veruca: Tough luck. Finders keepers.

Emma: Is that coming back too?

Veruca: Go on, back to Lord Fear with you. Out!

[Lissard scurries out. A few moments later, Treguard walks in holding a Bhal-Shebah kite.]

Dan: Is it really him?

Phil: Yep, blue and white tick thing on his beard. He's verified.

Veruca: Master Treguard!

Treguard: And who the hobgoblins are you?

[Everyone starts to answer at once.]

Treguard: Never mind. Just one question. [He holds up the kite.] Do you happen to know how to fly this thing?

Stuart: Where am I?

Advisors: You're in a big room. There's a pendulum swinging backwards and forwards. And sitting on the pendulum there's a na-

Treguard: Oh dear. This wasn't meant to happen for another 25 years. If ever. Bear with me a moment, team. Dispel: Y-E-L-I-M! There. You may proceed.

Stuart: What happened? I just saw a pair of Doc Martens fall on the floor.

Treguard: Do not concern yourself with them, Stuart. There's only room for one DM around here.

Majida: Barry and his friends lose the game.

Treguard: It certainly looks that way. Just a minute. Barry, pass me that shield. Oh.

Majida: That's not the eyeshield.

Treguard: No it isn't and that's strange, because another shield has mysteriously supplanted it. And that must mean...

Barry: Oh bother. I must have dropped the eyeshield. I'll nip back for it.

Treguard: That's hardly necessary.

Barry: It's no trouble. I mean you've lost, what six this series? We can't have you losing another.

Majida: I don't understand. Barry was holding the eyeshield through thee whole Fast Backwards bit.

Barry: Was I? Well it's not here now, so maybe it's back on Level 3 where the Shield of Justice was.

[Hordriss appears.]

Hordriss: Revelanti!

[Treguard leafs through a Latin dictionary, shaking his head.]

Hordriss: Revelanti!!

Majida: What is he saying?

Barry: I'll handle this. [To Hordriss.] Revelanti. Revelanti revelanti revelanti, revelanti revelanti revelanti...chamber.

Hordriss: [Solemnly] Something something revelanti, Something something something dark side, Something something something complete.

Barry: That settles it. I'm going. Lord Fear's hardly in a position to stop me, is he?

Treguard: Barry, please...

Barry: Oh alright. [Barry takes the Helmet of Justice and puts it back on.] Hordriss, the picture for my friends, if you please?

Hordriss: On screen! [Majida looks puzzled. A close-up of Barry appears in the magic mirror, moving with him as he walks over to the troll hole.]

Barry: Back in a jiffy! Sing me out, boys?

Derek, Simon, Daniel: Aaaaaah....

[Barry leaps into the hole.]

Merlin: Spells and incantations. Tell that elf-wit to stop cowering, Dungeon Master. There's nothing to fear. Only one thing approaches, and anyone but a half-witted elf-wit would know what it is. Do you want a hint?

[Pickle shakes his head.]

Merlin: ...Really?

Treguard: The elf knows it's nearly Christmas, Merlin. We'll be putting decorations up in due course but we have been a trifle busy.

Merlin: Well I can help you with the decorations and the trifle.

Treguard: No-no, that won't be necessary, thank you. Now, if you'll excuse us...

[Treguard ushers Merlin to the doorway and the flustered wizard leaves. Treguard turns to the team.]

Treguard: Now, Christmas or no Christmas, it is only right that I send you back.

Pickle: But Master, they were so close. It's just not fair! How can we send them home when-

Treguard: I didn't say "home", you silly sprite, I said "back". And I wasn't talking to all of them, I was talking to Giles.

[The boys look at each other.]

Treguard: Dispel! E-T-I-N-U!

[On Brett's advice, Giles puts the Helmet of Justice, knapsack and eyeshield back on, just before disappearing. Everyone looks at the magic mirror as Giles reappears in the transporter pad room. The advisors cheer.]

Pickle: Oh, Master, I could kiss you! [Pickle suddenly looks all serious and embarrassed.]

Treguard: Well, it's just as well we have no mistletoe. Now hurry, team, for I have bought you but a little more time.

[The team carries on. And wins. The end.]

[Series 1. Richard is at Jericho 6, holding up the dagger.]

Treguard: Why are you carrying a weapon of so little use to one who's blindfold? Where is the horn to bring down the walls of Jericho?

[Richard puts the hilt of the dagger to his mouth and makes tooting noises.]

Treguard: That will not work, team.

Richard: Wait! I know!

[Richard breaks one of the horns off the Helmet of Justice and blows into it. The solo from the song Baker Street is heard. The bricks disappear. Behind the wall is standing...]

Bob Holness: Well done, Richard. You've busted the blocks. And you play that almost as well as I do. I must go now, but to find me again, just look for my first name spelt backwards over a portal.

Treguard: [Muttering] Just one more year and then I'll be happy.

Really?! Wow!

So remember, whatever direction I give you you have to go the opposite way, alright?

Yeah whatever...

Ok Simon you're in the Block and Tackle. Sidestep to your left.

(sidesteps left into pit)

...I give up with him >:D

Brother Mace: This spell is obviously cast-locked, and that's a serious matter. Therefore, you should find somebody who takes everything seriously. Yes, the only person who can help you is Hordriss. Now, I know a spell which helps to find people, but to cast it, you need something that belongs to them. Now I know that Hordriss has left his quill lying around somewhere here. Do you happen to have it?

Christopher: Red, green, blue and grey.

Raven: You taking the p*ss!

Sly: My name is Sylvester 'ands! Y'know? Hands? Like feet...

Advisor: Rip the leg off the table and HIT him!

Malice: Enough! I lose patience, contrary to your belief this is not a game. You thwart me and so I destroy you!

Tim: Dickon, turn round... bend over... light a match... and give it some wellie!

Praveen: Small case of do-it-yourself isn't it? With a dash of modern technology!

Tim: (To Pickle) If that don't scare a woman off she ain't a woman!

[It's Quest 2 of Series 7, and Sidriss has just accidentally turned Marta into a gigantic dog.]

Sidriss: Ooh! Oh well. There's lots of advantages to living as a dog, and a giant one at that. For one thing, you'll have huge puppies that you can show off to everyone!

Marta: That were never a problem!

[It's Quest 2 of Series 8, and Daniel took that bizarre giant needle from the Level 3 clue room instead of the key. He meets Honesty Bartram, who sees the needle.]

Bartram: Why 'ave you got that then? Planning to stitch up Honesty Bartram, were you?

Gideon: OH MY G-D, DANIEL, HE'S MAKING FUN OF YOU!!! TELL HIM YOU'RE NOT PLANNING TO CHEAT HIM.

Daniel: I'm not cheating you.

Bartram: OK, OK! No need to get the needle with me.

Gideon: OH MY G-D, HE'S SO ANNOYING, AND THIS IS ONLY HIS FIRST SCENE!! OH MY G-D! DANIEL, STAB HIM WITH THE NEEDLE!! QUICK!!!

[Daniel does so.]

Bartram: Don't... tell... yer... daaaa... [Staggers off.]

Gideon: OK, VERY GOOD, DANIEL, NOW WE NEED TO FIND SNAPPER-JACK...

[It's Quest 6 of Series 5, and the team has just tried to spellcast BAG against a skull ghost. Instead of being let off...

T-Bag appears.]

T-Bag: Hooooow DARE you summon me, you annoying little brat? No second chances for you, you're finished!

[T-Bag zaps Alex, and the quest is justly over.]

TRY AND THINK OF ANY EPISODES YOU CAN ALTAR AROUND... HERE'S MINE

Treguard: Enter Stranger!

(Enter Douglas)

Treguard: You seemed to have travelled well, name please...

Douglas: (shaking) Is this for real?

Treguard: I asked you for your name!

Douglas: Umm... I-I-I am D-D-Douglas, IS THIS FOR REAL?!

Treguard: (ignoring) I think you'd better call for your advisors...

Douglas: R-R-Richard, Derek, Matthew - Is this for real..?

Treguard: (to Douglas) Oh do shut up! (to advisers) Your names please...

Derek: (sniggering) Gutted mate! Oh... yeah - Derek

Richard: Richy Rich, (helpless with laughter) look at the bugger he's losing it...

Matthew: Matthew, sir!

Douglas: Am I going to die?

Treguard: (threatening him) If you don't keep your trap shut you will!!! Here is the infamous helmet of justice... (Puts it on him)

Douglas: I can't see, I'M GONNA DIE, I'M GONNA DIE!

Treguard: (sighs) Here is the knapsack for any food you might find...

Douglas: I don't wanna DIE!

Treguard: If you don't belt up I will break your legs and you will be gasping for HELP!  

13 MINUTES PASS...

Douglas: Did you say a BOMB, I'm gonna DIE, I'm GONNA...

(KAAABLEWWWWEY)

Treguard: Thank god that's over... Get out all of you, while I go and find Grimwold and thank him for shortening that fuse...

DOES MY SCRIPT LOOK COLOURFUL TOO?

That's a funny one!

GARGOYLE: Oh dear an intruder... Give your name intruder and the object of your quest...

LEO: Oh great... I have to stand here listening to him...

GARGOYLE: Never mind just listen to my riddle...

LEO: Stuff this for a lark I'm off... See ya Mug...

GARGOYLE: Oh dear... Oooooh dear!

LEO: Oh for Gods sake...

S3-T11

MORGHANNA: "My delights lie on the dark side... so I seek to extinguish your flame..."

MARTIN: "Do yer? Oh, right then." (I love his little lines like this throughout his quest. )

ADVISORS: "Stop dawdling and RUN!"

MARTIN: "Which way?"

ADVISORS: "RUN FORWARDS!"

MORGHANNA: "...an end to the quest..."

MARTIN: "Not likely!" Legs it

...(more groovy L3 Dwarf Tunnel)...

MARTIN: "Where am I?"

ADVISORS: You're in a room with a Chalice. Can you pick it up please?"

MARTIN: "Okay then." Picks up the Challice

TREGUARD: "Congratulations! You've done it! You've mastered the dungeon?"

MARTIN: "I have? Oh yeah. That's good then."

Velda: ...you may not harm a living thing, or you'll have to answer to the elven kin...

James: Oh get lost! I don't care... And besides, that has to be the worst ever rhyme ever known by man...

(Series 4 Team 4)

Advisors: ...You're in a grey room which has two doors at the end of it...

Treguard: Warning team, nothing here is stable, proceed with care but don't delay...

Advisors: Simon, sidestep to the right...

Simon: Stuff this I'm outta here...

(Simon charges through the room avoiding blocks... He even jumps over one...)

Simon: Mirror, Signal, Manoever!

Advisors: Simon look out!

Simon: (Falls down a pit) Heeeeeeeeeeeelp!

Treguard: Oh dear he's dead team...

Advisors: No he's not... LOOK!

(Simon jumps out the pit... Charges around the room yet again)

Advisors: For crying out loud get out of there already!

(Simon goes through the door)

Simon: That was fun... Can we do that again...

Treguard: SIGH