BVA:  "As long as they have a valid work permit I don't care what country they're from."

Startup sound: "Enter, stranger..."

Shutdown: "D-I-S-M-I-S-S"

Fatal error: "DONG!" (Liable to frighten the living daylightas out of you if it comes suddenly)

I'm trying to think of some KM Microsoft jokes

How's this?

The address is:

http://ikm.ezri.mine.nu

Click on 'Clients'. For a quick start use jIRC - just tap your name in and click 'Connect' and you're in.

Ah, the glorious Amiga. My trusty 600 is currently having difficulties with the joystick port. (in that the fire buttin doesn't work, and I know it's not the joystick since it's fine with my Commodore 64) I acquired a 1200 recently, but I've yet to put it through its paces. It has a hard-drive! A HARD-DRIVE!!! ON AN AMIGA!!! I remember Workbench had a "speak" program. I used to make it swear...

I have a 1.7Gigabyte hard drive (which is quite a lot... ) on my Amiga, with a CD-ROM...shame it's back in preston whilst I'm home at the moment...

And the program 'say' was brilliant. Make it speak at any pitch and speed...fantastic! Brilliant for 1991, and when I was able to emulate an Amiga via the PC (the only thing it did right) I got to use it again!

And the Titanic thing...well, just be glad it wasn't higher.

And Microsoft....

Gah.

Yes, I meant 100. I'm having trouble with my new keyboard, it randomly decides whether a key I hit is actually going to do anything. I BLAME WINDOWS ME!!!

My problem is that I just can't hit the right keys most of the time

I've seen Windows illegal operation errors on bank ATM screens. I find the fact that they use Windows deeply disturbing...

I used to work where they had those new type computer operated tills and a couple of times (one time in particular) they crashed and kept going funny. They were controlled and had to be reset by a main computer (I think in admin) and all we kept seeing was this main computer screen keep starting up and shutting down and also there was the moving mouse icon and menus popping up. The advantages or those tills over the old ones are: if you make a mistake you can correct it, the prices are preset and you don't have to put in each amount, they screen was touch screen. The disadvantages are: if the main computer crashes none work, you have to have a main computer for them to work, a swipe card is needed to open the till if you make a money mistake (only certain people had swipe cards), they were somewhat easy to log out, but difficult to login, etc. as you could see there are more disadvantages than advantages.

...the new version crashed the whole system and as a result most of the students work has been lost.

We are just lucky that we saved our project work on disc so all thats lost is rough copys and reserch matiral we can find again on the net.

When I was at college the problem was viruses and I lost quite bit of work due to a virus on my disk, thanks to the member of staff that used scan disk and corrupted the files for me so that they were unnaccassable and unusable. I remember reinfecting the hole college system on about three occasions as they had a virus on the computer I was using, which didn't have an antivirus on (I don't think most did at the time). The virus was a word virus and it got onto my word document, onto my disc and then onto other computers I used. Staff members killed the virus but it was reinfecting as fast as they were killing it. They thought that it was just on the hard drives but no one realised it was on my disc. We eventually worked that out out they used the virus killer on my disc and voilla, the virus was gone.

I got a letter from collage today saying that while they were trying to up grade th media blocks computer system with a newer version of Microsoft (did specifiy either version) the new version crashed the whole system and as a result most of the students work has been lost.

We are just lucky that we saved our project work on disc so all thats lost is rough copys and reserch matiral we can find again on the net.

Thnak you so much Microsoft.

OH GOOD LORD, HOLD EVERYTHING! TITANIC IS #54 IN THE 100 GREEST MOVIES!!!

Pardon me while I go for a Stole  in the Block and Tackle.

Um Just a bit of confusion, but how can Titanic be #54 in the top 10 movies of all time? Or did you mean top 100 movies?

Yes, I meant 100. I'm having trouble with my new keyboard, it randomly decides whether a key I hit is actually going to do anything. I BLAME WINDOWS ME!!!

I've seen Windows illegal operation errors on bank ATM screens. I find the fact that they use Windows deeply disturbing...

Just a thought about Amigas though, but why do we think they used amigas in Knightmare?

Because they were the most powerful home computers of their time, and much cheaper than the emerging IBM PCs. I remember that my 600 had much better sound than early PCs

OH GOOD LORD, HOLD EVERYTHING! TITANIC IS #54 IN THE 10 GREEST MOVIES!!! Excuse me while I drown myself in a fishtnk...

That's one reason why I went back to 98 (hint hint) and that's why people are also going to Linux and other OS's I and a few other people don't use MSIE either. I use Avant browser which is brilliant and sometimes Netscape which have built in popup stoppers and for my email I use Yahoo, Lycos, fadmail, mail15 and Shandango mail, all of which have larger mail boxes than Hotmail.

I love Windows 98, which I'm currently using on my stopgap PC. (after ME killed my new one) Unfortunately, Norton Antivirus 2004 (which I swear by, along with Zonealarm and Mozilla) WILL NOT install on 98 since it insists on IE 5.01 or higher. (which also WILL NOT install on 98) Meh. So I'm currently usin AVG (WHICH IS FREE PEOPLE!) while fuming about having paid £40 for Norton.

As for ME GG, one thing I loathe more than ME is XP.

AMEN SISTER!

Ah, the glorious Amiga. My trusty 600 is currently having difficulties with the joystick port. (in that the fire buttin doesn't work, and I know it's not the joystick since it's fine with my Commodore 64) I acquired a 1200 recently, but I've yet to put it through its paces. It has a hard-drive! A HARD-DRIVE!!! ON AN AMIGA!!! I remember Workbench had a "speak" program. I used to make it swear...

Treguard: "Ah, now to write chapter six of my memoirs at Knightmare castle. Had some good adventures he- just a minute. This assistant paperclip looks a lot like Pickle..."

Pickle paperclip: "Hello master! I managed to make it into the latest version of Windows!"

Treguard: "Oh, um, good for you. I think."

Pp: "What are you trying to do?"

T: "Trying to write the next chapter of my memoirs."

Pp: "I'm sorry master. You've performed an illegal operation."

T: "What? I've only just turned this contraption of technomagic on!"

Pp: "Your memoir file is missing or corrupted. Abort, retry or fail?"

T: "Pickle?! What are you doing? I just want to write-"

Pp: "Error code 08x0cc1a5."

T: "Ooh, nasty. Still, I have one trick up my sleeve..."

Pp: "What is that master?"

T: "D-I-S-M-I-S-S!"

Pp: "Noooo master! Voice slows down Anythiiinnng buuut thaaaat...daiiisy daiiisy, giiive meee your annnsswerrrrr dooooo..."

T: "I should have stuck with this Amiga. It does have that game with me in it, after all."

A taste of what has happened to me...

It would help if Windoze was truly functional, instead of a bloated, badly-coded, self-congratulatory mess.

Sounds like me during the past week. The subject of prices I saw a version of ME for about £80 or so :o. goes to look on Ebay for Linux OS's. Has anyone seen my pic and text on my profile? Can anyone think of any Knightmarish MS jokes then?

Going back to Amigas, the wonderfully-named yet annoying 'Guru meditations' (i.e. system crashes) still allowed you to reboot the system because it knew SOMETHING had gone wrong. PCs just freeze and give you no indication of anything. And Windows alone takes up 1GB of disk space. I think early Amiga Operating Systems (Ah, Workbench) came on three floppy disks.

The latest Workbench took up 35MB, with media player, a couple of games, lots of useful things like editing your own icons and changing the palette, a special Christmas scheme, Internet software and e-mail client and more. It cost £30.

I think Windows XP costs £100-ish...and of course contains hideous amounts of swearing in the code. True.

If only I had a modem for my Amiga 1200...no Microsoft  there...never any viruses, no pop-ups, no problems.

I used to have problems with a 500 where most of my games used to crash and I'd get these funny error messages. As for ME GG, one thing I loathe more than ME is XP. One reason I went back to ME was because my computer kept freezing and eventually would hardly even startup and I remember that I used to be logged onto this forum for days because my computer kept freezing and wouldn't startup for days and so I couldn't log out. I could only then remember when I was on ME previously that I hadn't had no problems with it. It was only when I went back to it that I remembered downloading a programme which automatically downloads and fixes corrupt and or missing files. Silly me didn't right down the name of it and so couldn't remember what it was called nor find it or download it again. I have a different larger faster computer, which has 98 on it and now don't have many problems.

It's not Microsoft! Admittedly that's like saying the BNF aren't Nazis, (just the next best thing)  but hey, it's not. Filthy Microsoft. I BLAME WINDOWS ME!!! WINDOWS ME!!!

Windows ME is truly filthy. I loathe it with a passion.

Just be a bit slow, that's all.

But anyway...

Filthy Microsoft. I BLAME WINDOWS ME!!! WINDOWS ME!!!

That's one reason why I went back to 98 (hint hint) and that's why people are also going to Linux and other OS's I and a few other people don't use MSIE either. I use Avant browser which is brilliant and sometimes Netscape which have built in popup stoppers and for my email I use Yahoo, Lycos, fadmail, mail15 and Shandango mail, all of which have larger mail boxes than Hotmail. All what I mentioned are more reliable and much better than the related Microsoft products I believe. As with you're Internet Explorer programme Skarks, it might br a simple easy to solve problem and then again maybe not. You might want to reinstall IE. Anyway the subject of KM chat...

Sorry, I thought that is what you meant by that sentence.