Monkfish: Alright. Brother Monkfish - I'm in charge 'ere.

[To a couple of PCs] Find that Dungeon kid, and get him down to Forensics.

[To Treguard] You, beardy, go and keep my saddle warm.

Advisors: Excuse me, but-

Monkfish: What do you think this is, a game show? This is a murder investigation. So 'ere's a spell for you: D-O, O-N-E. You savvy?

[To Majida] And you - put ya knickers on and go and make me a cup of mead. Two sugars!

Treguard: Ah! Hello, Pickle.

Pickle: Hello, Sir.

Treguard: Hard at work, I see. Out in the... in the wild outdoors. Pickle, I... [Long pause] Do you like The Crystal Maze... Pickle?

Pickle: I wouldn't really know about that, Sir.

Treguard: Right, well... it's just that some old episodes are being repeated on television, and I wondered if you'd care to... to... join me, Pickle?

Pickle: I've got to get home, Sir, Mrs. Pickle'll be doing me tea soon.

Treguard: Indeed. Well, I shall... I shall leave you to it, Pickle. Er... [Treguard half-walks, half-runs away.]

Majida: Scorchio!

[A local is in the Crazed Heifer, playing on its new fruit machine. Motley comes over.]

Motley: [Interfering] Ah, the fruit machine. What you've got to do is, put another two groats in, first of all... now hold the first reel, like that... then give it a little nudge... hold the bells... then jam it... that's weird, should've paid out. Oh well. [Turns around] Oi! Won't have any goblins in this pub!

Treguard: Doing a quest, Pickle, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman...

Brother Mace: So I was rummaging around at the Monastery, and I discovered a bottle of brandy that didn't turn me into a lizard creature when imbibed. Which was nice.

Gundrada: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that the bwoadsword was a mistake, right? It dwaws attention to my hips, and, let's face it, that's a jolly bad idea. It's just so hard to accessorise on a quest and still look intimidating. So you'd better jolly well tell me... does my bum look big in this?

Treguard: 'Hello, and welcome to Knightmare. Kniiiiice. On the show today, we have a new quartet who I think you're going to like. Adventurous!'

Merlin: Mumbles ...a cartload of interesting potions... mumbles ...a rather interesting horn... mumbles ...and she arched her back, and scuttled across the room, like a catacombite... mumbles ...we lived on poisonous pookas for over a month... mumbles ...but I don't remember you see, because I'm afraid I was very, very, drunk.

Skarkill: Sneaks up to a Dungeoneer You ain't seen me... right? Sneaks away

Motley: 'I'm a little bit wooor, a little bit waayy, a little bit schwschwsch...'

Sylvester Hands: Emerging from a shed This week, I are been mostly eating rat soup.

Hordriss: A-ha, you know, Knightmare, isn't it? Small boys, in the Dungeon, helmets for headgear. 'Sidestep left... no, right! Well actually, left.' 'Where am I?' In danger I should imagine! Enduring image, isn't it? Wasn't it? Marvellous.

DREADNORT (to dungeoneer): "Er, I seek a small flowery umbrella - you haven't seen it anywhere have you?"