Knightmare.com

(1995)

Treguard: Ah, greetings, dear travellers. Welcome to another season of Knightm-
(Council worker enters): Stop!
Treguard: Sorry, what?
Council worker: You haven't paid any rent on this place for the past 9 years.
Treguard: But-
Council worker: So we've decided to knock this place down.
Treguard: But-
Council worker: You'd better get a move on. The new tenant will be here any minute.
Treguard: I knew I shouldn't have left Majida to do the paperwork.
(New tenant enters. He wears a mullet)
Pat Sharp: I have great plans for this place!
Treguard: You? Nooooo!

(By the way, I'm fully aware of the overlapping timelines of KM and Fun house. I just choose to ignore them)

(Documentary about KM)

Interviewer: So, Hugo. It must have been quite an experience pretending to be a 'Dungeon Master'.
Treguard: Hu-go? Who is this 'Hu-go'? I'm Treguard, conqueror of this dungeon and on the side of the Powers That Be.
Interviewer: Yes, but it was only a TV show.
Treguard: T...V? Is that some kind of technomagic that only Lord Fear has?
Interviewer: Hugo, are you alright?
Treguard: I keep telling you, only Treguard (that is my good self) lives here.
Interviewer: How long have you been here, anyway?
Treguard: I've been waiting for nine years for the next dungeoneer. They must have got lost. Yes, that must be it.
Interviewer: I'll be leaving now, Hugo.
Treguard: If you keep calling me that, I'll put you in the corridor of blades.
Interviewer: What, a blue screen with computer-generated imagery?
Treguard: What on earth are you talking about?
Interviewer: Look Hugo. This is a studio, or 'set' made to look like a dungeon. It isn't a real dungeon. You are deluding yourself!
Treguard: I don't know who you are talking to, but my name isn't Hugo..

Series 4 Team 4 (the team have their scrolls and are about to walk off)

Simon: "Why did you say sidestep to the left - IDIOT!!!!"

Majilda: "OH, I love you Treggey!"

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Elita: "You are a face ache..."

Dungeoneer: "And you are a dispicable elven tart..."

Elita: "You think that was meant to hurt my feelings!"

Dungeoneer: "There was more where that came from you fat hag... You are Elita of Trouble..."

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Mogdred: '... Look upon Mogdred, and quail!'

Dungeoneer: 'Erm, I'm sorry, I don't really know what 'quail' means. Do you know, guys?'

Advisers: 'No.'

Adviser #2: 'Oh, actually, I did 'qu-' words last week at school... but I can't remember, sorry.'

Dungeoneer: 'Is it the same as 'quiver''?

Mogdred: 'Well, no, no, not really, that wasn't the exact implication I was going for. Er... we'd better clear this up. MERLIN!' [Merlin appears]

Merlin: 'Ah, Mogdred. Nice to meet... I mean, long time no see.'

Mogdred: 'Merlin, I burned my dictionary when we were at Wizard College together, if you recall.. what does 'quail' mean, exactly?'

Merlin: 'Well, it signifies various types of bird. And, by implication, it can be taken to mean a courtesan...'

Treguard: [Holds his head in his hands; mutters under his breath] D-I-S, M-I-S-S, pleeease...'

Fidgit: "Sorry I haven't got my jester's outfit on, I couldn't get it clean in time for Series 7 so have opted to pick locks instead."

Mogdred: '... Look upon Mogdred, and quail!'

Dungeoneer: 'Erm, I'm sorry, I don't really know what 'quail' means. Do you know, guys?

Advisers: 'No.'

Adviser #2: 'Oh, actually, I did 'qu-' words last week at school... but I can't remember, sorry.'

Dungeoneer: 'Is it the same as 'quiver''?

Mogdred: 'Well, no, no, not really, that wasn't the exact implication I was going for. Er... we'd better clear this up. MERLIN!' [Merlin appears]

Merlin: 'Ah, Mogdred. Nice to meet... I mean, long time no see.'

Mogdred: 'Merlin, I burned my dictionary when we were at Wizard College together, if you recall.. what does 'quail' mean, exactly?'

Merlin: 'Well, it signifies various types of bird. And, by implication, it can be taken to mean a courtesan...'

Treguard: [Holds his head in his hands; mutters under his breath] D-I-S, M-I-S-S, pleeease...'

Now that was funny  ;D

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Treguard: How do you get through a locked door with no key...

Advisor No1: Don't be stupid, it's just a holographic lock... Watch... Walk FORWARD!

SHRRAAAAKOOOOOW! (Dungeoneer melts...)

Treguard: Oh dear, that was a bit shocking team...

Advisor No3: Can you cut the terrible rhyming and puns already

Giles enters the dungeon of series four, only to see that a "FOR-SALE" sign has been erected. Suddenly, Dooris appears, weeping as usual.

Giles: What is the matter?

Dooris: Ohh dead, dear, dear... Ohh this is terrible...

Giles: I can see that... Why are you crying?

Dooris: I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die...

Giles Why? What's going on...

Dooris: The dungeon is up for sale. I'm going to miss asking you questions and lowering myself to form your path...

Giles: Not in this life time... Right! Treguard! TREGUARD! If  see another one of these again because you are getting sick of the designs see that I am going to D,I,S,M,I,S,S you...

Fidjit is intoducing himself to a dungoneer.

Fidjit: Fidjit's the name, Master Locksmith and Thief there's no door I can't...


Voice of screen: HAY WHATS YOUR GAME THEN MATTY ?



Motley: Its my job to help Helmet Heads like him through the dungon. So go on get out of it.

Fidjit: But?



Tregaurd: OHHH NASTY

Dungeoneer: Whats happaning guys ?

Advisors: Errr Motley just cloberd  Fidjit.

Series 7, Level 3 or Series 8, Level 2

Dungeoneer: "Stuff the boat ride, I'm going for a nice swim in the Sewers of Goth!"

Treguard: 'Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be, Meatloaf.'

ADVISOR: Right, you're in Marblehead now...
LORD FEAR: Ahh...I've been waiting for you, adventurer - I have a proposition for you.
DUNGEONEER: *suspicious* What's that?
LORD FEAR: Let's say we put all this feuding behind us - live as one in the Knightmare realm. What do you say?
DUNGEONEER: You what?
LORD FEAR: Sit! Please do! Tea and scones, nonetheless - one lump or two?
DUNGEONEER: Tea? And scones? With you?
LORD FEAR: Come, come - don't you think this is all a bit childish now? We could put our minds to greater things!
DUNGEONEER: *thoughtfully* Well...I HAVE been wanting to learn Shakespeare...

*Dungeoneer takes food from table in S3 clue room*
Brangwen: Halt, who dares to steal from the Brangwen-She? Turn and face me dungeoneer
Treguard: Better do as she says team
Advisors: Why? Its a wall with a face, keep taking the stuff and then take left door please
Dungeoneer: OK *takes food and clue items*
Brangwen: *ahem!* You do not know which objects to take without my help fool.
Dungeoneer: Well, I will just guess
Brangwen: Thats it your quest has ended *Bong!*
Advisors: sidestep right please
Brangwen: I said the quest has ended
Advisors: Yes and like we said you are a WALL, what are you going to do exactly?
Brangwen: Grr I can be very annoying if i want
Advisors: Right again *Leaves Room*
Brangwen: now I know how a weeping door feels *sniffs*

Errr Motley just clobbered  Fidjit

Hehe yep!

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Dungeoneer: There's a Spyglass...

Advisor: Hold it up in front of the Eye-Shield...

(Inside is Lord Fear)

Lord Fear: SKARKILL, SKARKILL! I need a private conversation with you pronto..!

Skarkill: Err, yes sir!

Lord Fear: And just in case you can't force your way past the Blocker, the password is "CRYSTAL"

Skarkill: Yes, yer lord!

Lord Fear: Wait a tick... OH for christ sake... Can you pathetic people stop spying on me. God! Jeez! I refuse to take a shower now that you lot have spyglasses...

Treguard: Lord Fear! This is part of the game and...

Lord Fear: Yes, I know that you bearded fool! But why don't you look at someone else for once! Whats so interesting about me anyway? Can't  have any privacy even in those rare off duty moments...

Treguard: All right fine! Team get your dungeoneer to throw the spyglass on the floor and stamp on it...

Posted by: Skarkill on: Dec 11th, 2003, 2:57pm

Fidjit is intoducing himself to a dungoneer.

Fidjit: Fidjit's the name, Master Locksmith and Thief there's no door I can't...


Voice of screen: HAY WHATS YOUR GAME THEN MATTY ?



Motley: Its my job to help Helmet Heads like him through the dungon. So go on get out of it.

Fidjit: But?



Tregaurd: OHHH NASTY

Dungeoneer: Whats happaning guys ?

Advisors: Errr Motley just cloberd  Fidjit.

Posted by: Motley Today at 12:37pm

Errr Motley just clobbered  Fidjit  


Hehe yep!

And The Moral of that story is.....


DON'T MESS WITH MOTLEY'S JOB.