Knightmare.com

CHALLENGE TV DUNGEONEER:Where am I

ADVISOR ONE: Your in a room with temporaraly high viewing figures, there is a large table in the centre, can you tell me whats on it.

CHALLENGE TV DUNGEONEER: there is knightmare the most popular and great programme you have on the table, there is fort boyard, and ice warriors and a scroll.

ADVISOR TWO: What does the scroll say.

(Scroll comes up on screen" CHOOSE KNIGHTMARE CAUSE FORT BOYARD AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS SHEITE")

BRANGWEN: Intruder Alert!
Who Dares to rob the brangwen she!
Could it be the Challenge TV!
Turn and face me!

ADVISOR TWO: Turn and face her

CHALLENGE TV DUNGEONEER: Yes

BRANGWEN: One Truths will I ask and here is my first.

They watch at Dawn
They watch at Five
They are what keeps challenge alive
With viewers high
It is top notch
What is the name of what they watch?

CHALLENGE TV DUNGEONEER: I don't know, shall I say fort Boyard?

ADVISOR THREE: No, It's turd and unpopular!...It must be knightmare!

BRANGWEN: Answer! name it now!

CHALLENGE TV DUNGEONEER: Ice Warriors!

BRANGWEN: Falsehood, Knightmare was the truth I sought.

One is the score...You may learn more... Choose knightmare from the table or rot like all the other second-rate, digital-life support channels

CHALLENGE TV DUNGEONEER
Right, I'm Gonna Take Fort Boyard and Ice Warriors?

ADVISORS AND TREGUARD: You short sighted turd! Kngihtmare has 7 more series that must be shown.

(A magic sword materialised)

Nenenennenene...
Nennenenennene....
Nnenenennenen...

TREGUARD: Ohhhhhhhhhh Naaaasssstttyyyy!

Heh, very good indeed. Since the wall monsters fed on ignorance and folly, they'd have a huge meal if they ever got to meet Challenge?.

Great way to introduce yourself, Roy - we all feel the same way.

There will be a reason why they are not showing more Knightmare - I'm sure if it was massively beneficial to the channel ten more would be shown.

Challenge Dungeoneer: Where am I?

Advisor: You're in the corridor of....oh! Never mind.

Treguard: That was bloody quick. I wonder why he didn't take the obvious route.

Advisor (also from Challenge TV): Which route was that?

Treguard: The one with the damned flashing lights saying "Take this route to avoid death!!!!!". With 5 !'s. Oh, well, he could have guessed where he was if he had watched Knightmare. Spell-casting: I-D-I-O-T-S.

Good again, Arcengal. There seem to be a lot of new people around being funnier than I am.

Good again, Arcengal. There seem to be a lot of new people around being funnier than I am.

I'm also starting to feel distinctly unfunny.

I do hope that Challenge? see sense and show the remaining series of Knightmare. If they managed to repeat every episode of the Crystal maze for the last umpteen years, then surely they can carry out this request.
Also, is anyone fed up with those puzzles between the programmes on Challenge? SO fed up of that Blade runner one!

I haven't been funny since 1997.

(Challenge man picks up spyglass, we see Lord Fear watching his pool)

Lord Fear: Dammit, there's never anything good on TV.....Kerrang! has a crud selection if ever I saw one....Fox Kids is being overrun by bad hamster cartoons....Don't get me started on Cow and Chicken....Ice Warriors was better....even they could just be frightened off by a DIE PLEASE spell....(heavily accented)

Advisor: It's Lord Fear!

Treguard: DUH!

Lord Fear: I wonder if Knightmare is on Challenge....

Treguard: Danger, team! Lord Fear's anger can be quite nasty, if you know what I mean.

Lord Fear: Oh look! It's on! (hums along to theme tune) Right, let's see what a handsome devil I am.....

Advisor: CD, put down the spyglass!

Lord Fear: What's this...? I'm not on! This is one of those inferior shows....where I'm not on it! Blast! Curse Challenge TV! I should be watching it! But instead....(turns to screen), it's watching me. I bet you think you're clever, spying on me like that.

Treguard: Wouldn't think so, Lord Fear, he works for Challenge....

Lord Fear: Shut up, fool. Although you do have a point. Listen up, fool. I'm sending to a place even WORSE than the corridor of blades....

(whoosh)

Challenge: Where am I?

Advisor: You're in a room...and there's people skating about you dressed in black.

Treguard: Caution team! These are the Ice Warriors! You can't escape by normal methods...you must use a spell.

Advisor: OK! Spell casting: M-E-L-T.

(Treguard slaps his forehead)
(The ice melts and the Ice Warriors fall in...unfortunately, so does the dungeoneer. The life force meter appears to show the losing of health due to freezing water)

Advisor: QUICK! GET OUT OF THE WATER!

Challenge: But it's nice and cool.

Advisor: GET OUT!

Treguard: Life Force Emergency team!

Advisor: GET OUT YOU FILTHY (censored)!!!!

Treguard: Such language!....Mind you, a reference to a smartarse was used, so I suppose that's Ok....

(Dungeoneer gets out of the pool just as the jaw of the skull breaks off on the life force sequence)

Treguard: Team, you need some food and fast!

Advisor: Ok, CD, just walk forward.

(dwarf tunnel)

Dungeoneer: Where am I?

Advisor: You're in a room, and there's food in front of you. Take it.

(Takes food just as eye dissappears off of life force gauge)

Treguard: DAMN! I mean....phew! Life force restored...but watch out! I sense a presence.

(Two ice monsters appear)

Ice monster: I am the ice monster of Ed Tudor Pole!

Ice Monster 2: and I am the ice monster of Leslie Grantham!

Advisors: WHO!?

Ice Monster2 : BOYARD, you idiots!

Advisors: Oh.

Ice Monster: You know, I was just wondering how much...

(death sequence appears)

Treguard: Oh, nasty.. He seems to have bored you to death. You should have used MELT to melt him before he could.

Advisor: You told us to use MELT on the Ice Warriors!

Treguard: I told you to use a spell....and that wasn't it. Now, go home with your tail between your legs.

Lord Fear: Did they lose?

Treguard: Yes.

Lord Fear: Thank ****.

I am the ice monster of Ed Tudor Pole!

Leave off him - he was even better than Richard O'Brien.

You ARE kidding?

Thanatos - it isn't April Fools' Day yet. No he was not.

Well, I for one really appreciated the joke at Ed T-P's expense, having always thought him infinitely inferior to the fabulous Richard O'Brien. I'd always assumed this to be pretty much the standard view, although it's always good to find someone who disagrees. (I'm still looking for someone to hail the virtues of the KM life force quiche!)

I'm surprised the Dungeoneer lasted so long before being bored to death. I'd usually grabbed the remote and swapped channels before he'd finished saying "I'm Edward Tudor-Pole but you can call me Ed!" in his customary overly enthusiastic manner.

I suppose at least the Dungeoneer wasn't made to listen to his pop efforts. *shudder*

Despite prefering Richard O'Brien (Well he did write the Rocky Horror show and therefore I am biased!) there's a lot to be said about that "Swords of a Thousand Men," or whatever the song is called!
Problem is, Ed Tudor Pole was very good at being Ed Tudor Pole, but he wasn't very good at being Richard O'Brien. So perhaps if he had played it as himself, he would have done better ratings-wise.