I had a silly idea...

[Mashibinbin]

Inspiration from Bruce Springsteen's Hungry Heart:

Got an eyeshield, helmet and greedy knapsack,
Treguard told me I couldn't turn back
As a goblin group just kept on gaining,
the panic I felt kept my trousers a staining.

Every dungeoneer can fall apart
Every dungeoneer can fall apart
Choose the wrong item and it's a bad start
Every dungeoneer can fall apart

I met her in the Crazed Heifer
What I saw made me like the look of her
She looked at me and asked me some things
Falsehoods meant I'm stuck with this item that stinks.

Every dungeoneer can fall apart

Every dungeoneer wants a chamber to rest
Every dungeoneer wants to eventually get home
Dont make no difference what nobody says
Aint nobody like to be Festus' bone

Every dungeoneer can fall apart...

[Mashibinbin]

[Meant to edit this in to accompany the filk but timed out on ability to do I'm afraid so if mods want to shift it (quiet at the back!) into previous post they may do so]

This forum member certainly did appreciate the previous number and was indeed profusing blushing at the lines
"I am Ah Mok
I am a legend"
this led me to think back to a singstar session and how Heart of Glass was forever altered in a number of peoples perceptions and this brought me back to Springsteen's Hungry Heart my latest tune which I enjoy rather a lot.

[Drassil]

Many thanks.

I recall a friend nicknaming a Series 2 wall monster "Arseface of Legend" - so here is a parody from the point of view of a Watcher tuning into Series 3 to discover clue room guardians who look somewhat different. Original

Brangwen in the wall
Tra la la la la
There's a Brangwen in the wall
Tra la la la la la
Brangwen in the wall
Tra la la la la
She looks like a face and not a bum
Bum bum

Wait in her clue room
Tra la la la la
Careful she could bring you doom
Tra la la la la la
Is she a hoodlum?
Tra la la la la
She looks like a face and not a bum
Bum bum

Olgarth Granitas gone off
Need a face that works with blues
Arsehead Igneous gone off
Need someone to give the clues

I remember on one Friday, right
She was being a hard-faced cow
'Cause a team were slow with her riddle
She said, "Answer" and "Name it now!"

Brangwen Shee
Now you see

Brangwen in the room
Tra la la la la
There's a Brangwen in the room
Tra la la la la la
Brangwen in the room
Tra la la la la
She looks like a face and not a bum
Bum bum...

---

Original (No, I didn't realise there was a full version either!)

Do you fear the power of the Automatum?
Can you meet the challenge of the catacombs?
Do you have the makings of a hero?
Can you run pell-mell for the well?

Do you have the speed, the strength, the ears to hear his whirring
Setting your heart stirring?
Or is it your bowel?

Beware the Automatum

Gotta move like a hare on steroids
Gotta stay ahead of the android
Gotta seek your Holy Grail
Ready or not, here he comes with a flail

Can you keep away from the Automatum?
Do you have three friends to aid you?
Do you have the smell of perspirin'?
Can you keep on moving to your goal?

Now it's time to race, you're in a chase, so don't you crack now
There's no turning back now
Edmund's on the way
I mean the Automatum

Gotta move with lightning speed
Nearby portal's what you need
Better collect the MEDAL bits
Oh he stopped you, time to call it quits

Do you fear the power of the Automatum?
Can you face the menace of the mechanoid?
Show the stuff you're made of
Karen, seal the fate of
The Automatum
Spellcast RUST at the Automatum
Then you'll bust up the Automatum
But you won't be a champion
The Automatum!

[Drassil]

Another song parody about the Bimboid subplot. Video, karaoke version

She was just bones, she had no flesh
Can I make it any more obvious
She walked alone, she'd cheated death
But did not smell fresh
She met Lord Fear
He had a plan
Wanted to kill a white-haired man
So he made her look like someone else
Just like the dearest of Hordriss's belles

She was a skel8ron
Two ls and you spell it wrong
She had no spleen, lip, adenoid
Thanks to Fear's sorcery
With spyglass of course you see
That she turned into the Bimboid

Minutes from now, there's a big cat
Hope there's a litter tray where he sat
Waiting around, guess who he sees
Nathan of Series 8 Team 3
He gets him to change back into the mage
Tells him the up-to-date Bimboid goss
He tags along, stands in the room
And Nathan and friends save him from doom

He was a dungeoneer
Down trapdoors he's plungin' here
Making his way to Level 3
Was he to Kabul led?
No, he got to Marblehead
With friends and his Quiche of Energy
[x2]

Meanwhile Hordriss left behind
Sidriss he knew he must find
Found her outside Bartram's shop
Is this how the story stops?
"I'm just window shopping, Dad,
But there's no windows to be had."
When he heard that, off he went
Hoping Brain Pills would be lent

He was a mage, he'd had enough
Of his daughter being an idiot
Thought of the scheme used by Lord Fear
And he borrowed his idea...

It was a miretrog
Not one for a dialogue
It was put under Hordriss' spell
It looks just like Sidriss now
But higher-IQ-endowed
Motley is dating it as well
[x2]

[Drassil]

Bhal-Shebah/Firestorm reflects on the mission to attack Linghorm, and what led up to it. Original lyrics, Video

When we turned up on Lord Fear's porch
Said, "Gis a job, we snipe and scorch"
And pretty soon, he said, "Burn down a Howse"
And as he perished in our flame
We hoped that we could raise our game
And set a blaze that ten lakes couldn't douse
We don't mind cooking dungeoneers
But we were always keen
To journey through the Mireworld and set light to a queen

Oh man you should have seen us
All our scales and meanness
Burning up the Maldame
She has had her day, hey hey, hey hey-ey
Flew across the Mire
Did our thing with fire
Sent her on her smoky way
La Reine Brûlée, hey hey, hey hey-ey

As time went by things did look up
Fear said that we could guard the Cup
But no one came to take it anyway
We missed our fireball attacks
We are born pyromaniacs
We like to raze our game, to torch our prey
We don't know if we're Bhal-Shebah
Or if we're Firestorm
But Lord Fear, oh he made our day when he said, "Burn Linghorm"

Oh man you should have seen us
Keenest of the keen, yes
Burning up the Maldame
She has had her day, hey hey, hey hey-ey
Just like oil and match ah
On a roof of thatch-er
Sent her on her smoky way
La Femme Flambée, hey hey, hey hey-ey...

Burning up the Maldame

Oh man you should have seen us
Just a brain between us
Burning up the Maldame
She has had her day, hey hey, hey hey-ey
Soared across the Mire
Couldn't wait to fry her
Sent her on her smoky way
La Reine Brûlée, hey hey, hey hey-ey

[Mashibinbin]

And that last non chocolatey bar related number but just as rewarding leads me on to a reworking of Helen Shapiro's You Don't Know:
(Backstory is an unspecified trader lamenting that a dungeoner has neither the knowledge nor a suitable payment to obtain the password)

Woah, woah, woah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah
Woah, woah, woah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah
All though I want you to
Oh you don't know
You don't know just how to deal
For my help I daren't reveal
I am so, I'm so afraid
You've only silverware

Every time you want to pass oh my
Oh you don't know, you just don't know
What I go through
Seeing someone trade with you
Oh I wish the one with you, were me
But you don't know

I would tell you, if I believed
That you might pay your way
But until then I'll never give it away

So a secret it must stay
And you don't know, you don't know
How hard to not stare
With this one way trapdoor there
For it simply isn't enough
When you don't know

I would tell you, if I believed
That you might pay your way
But until then I'll never give it away

So a secret it must stay
And you don't know, you don't know
How hard to not stare
With this one way trapdoor there
For it simply isn't enough
When you don't know
Woah, woah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah
Woah, woah, woah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah

[Drassil]

A plea to Treguard to continue receiving teams, based upon a 1980s song that's been slightly popular of late. Lyrics, Song, Instrumental

Just a small brown bag, slung across a teenage back
Of someone on Knightmare as a dungeoneer
Just a small grey shield, there because the Helm won't yield
To someone on Knightmare as a dungeoneer

Advisors in a stony room
That's come so far since Dungeon Doom
For a while they can dare the site
It has might and blight and plight and bite

Strangers enter, waiting in the antechamber
Will they know left from their right?
Frightknights, pookas, lurking in a world of danger
Watchers, hoping for a knight

Watching what I loved and feared
Treguard made me want a beard
May he keep on having teams to quest
Forevermore
Some will win, some will lose
None of them wears any blues
Let the Knightmare never end
But go on and on and on and on

Strangers enter, waiting in the antechamb-er
Will they know left from their right?
Opposition down there in a world of danger
Watchers, hoping for a knight

Don't stop receivin'
Bring another team in
Knightmare, Treguard

Don't stop the questin'
Game on
Dungeon, Knightmare

Don't stop receivin'
Bring another team in
Knightmare, Treguard

[Drassil]

A negative response to one of Series 8's innovations. Lyrics, video

Oo-oo-oo-ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh
Naa-sty
x2

Oo-oo-oo-ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh

A man reclines
A rebel smile across his face
As he decides
To introduce a new race
Left behind
The foes we knew, insidious
And we will find
Another guard, amphibious

Knightmare will change
It may be great, maybe dire
Part man part fish?!
Why'd goblins have to retire?

Here comes the Mireman
To steal your Life Force Flan
Here comes the Mireman

He doesn't talk
Not like the Hun, Dreadnort or Crow
Just holds a big fork
While he waddles to and fro
Daniel got past
Nathan and Michael did as well
They got Rebecca though
In spite of being slow as hell

Knightmare will change
It may be great, maybe dire
Part man part fish?!
Why'd goblins have to retire?

Here comes the Mireman
He should come in a can
Here comes the Mireman
Aa-aah

Here comes the Mireman
More slowly than a gran
Can't beat him with a span-
ner-er...

[Pooka]

Wow, David hasn't posted here for three days. Must be losing your touch, mate.

Anyway, here's one of my rare contributions: a parody of Remedy by the gorgeous Little Boots. The lyrics are here among other places, and there's an extremely trippy video here.

Some of the lines don't scan, but I think it'd work with a few overdubs.

I can see you talking to the dungeoneers
You weren't here before
I guess you're new to Knightmare for Series 6
Weren't in 5 or 4
'Cause you are beefing up the cast
I wonder if you'll last?

She was poisoned, trapped, bewitched and outwitted
And her dress was refitted
Played by Iona Kennedy, Kennedy
Oh
Sidriss was confused, Hordriss was bemused
His daughter was dim
Played by Iona Kennedy, Kennedy
Oh

Watchers watching her, playing the mage daughter
Iona Kennedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Watchers watching her, strangest new character
Iona Kennedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

Give her respect, treat her as a queen
That's what she wants from you
She's difficult but you found the witch amber
She'll give you the clue
She always tried to neutralise
But Fear told too many lies

Opposition's not her true position
Fear was her attrition
Played by Iona Kennedy, Kennedy
Oh
You'd better start paying or Greystagg's not playing
She's the Witch Queen
Played by Iona Kennedy, Kennedy
Oh

Watchers watching her, arguing with Lord Fear
Iona Kennedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Watchers watching her, strangest new character
Iona Kennedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

La la le da la de la
Da da da da de da da

And now the seasons change again
Series 8 will be OK
Character's haughty, wants to reign
Maldame

Make alliance, give her your compliance
That's what Lord Fear tried once
Played by Iona Kennedy, Kennedy
Oh
Her calling name is Spite, but you'd better not try it
Dragons? Whatever!
Played by Iona Kennedy, Kennedy
Oh

Watchers watching her, from her high tower
Iona Kennedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Watchers watching her, strangest new character
Iona Kennedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

(repeat to fade)

[Drassil]

Wow, David hasn't posted here for three days. Must be losing your touch, mate.

If you actually want me to understand that remark, you may have to explain it to me.


Bryan McNerney, a.k.a. The History Man, bumps into Natasha Pope. He soon recognises her: she acted alongside him on Knightmare, playing Velda the elf and the Brangwen Shee. But can he get her to recognise him? Original

Doing some shopping at Asda
I saw a woman, Natasha
I smiled, our faces older from the decades
Who did she play? No, it wasn't the maid
Ah yes now: Brangwen and Velda
She gave me a puzzled look as I beheld her

Elf Shee, remember me
We worked together on ITV
I played Grimwold in Series 3
Elf Shee, I look at me
Did some work for the BBC
This won't scan: Bryan McNerney

I took a dive in the fight scene
With you and Simon on the bluescreen
You used your blade on me and then that was that
I cried 'cause you called me a tower of fat

Elf Shee, remember me
We growled and wailed on CITV
But I'm a Man of History
Elf Shee, I look at me
Did quite well on the BBC
This won't scan: Bryan McNerney

Elf Shee

They made a well into a war zone
Dungeoneer Kelly had no crayon
I roared, holding my club over her head
There's no reality and no one dead and...

Elf Shee, remember me
We did the best show on kids' TV
Although Tim did not credit me
Elf Shee
Elf Shee
Elf Shee
Elf Shee
Elf Shee