The Grimwold Guide to Dungeon Survival

[GrimaldineGrimwold]

I realised today how unfair it was on the Opposition that they weren't allowed to offer the kidsies some rules to follow, like an Adventurers' Code, but one designed to get the little brats into trouble and kill them off. So the Grimwolds have decided to start one, and we'd like your contributions. Make them silly, make them funny, whatever. Here's a few to start off:

1. It's not the direction in which you sidestep that's important, but the style with which you do it.

2. If given the chance to "gain information and supplies" in an inn or similar establishment, politely decline. You're on a quest for truth and justice, not drink and debauchery.

3. If someone dressed in a jester's outfit offers you help, leave quickly. They're probably a pervert using the disguise to get close to innocent children.

4. If you want to reach the dizzy heights of Squiredom, you'll have to start mixing with the right type of people. So avoid lowly types like maids and serving wenches. Anyone calling themselves "Lord", however, will inevitably improve your social status, so do all you can to obtain their favour.

5. In any given situation, shouting "Go Away!" will probably work just as well as other means.

6. If you think you see or hear a talking wall, ignore it. It's probably an Opposition trick, and it's best to apply Rule 5. It's very possibly a hallucination caused by someone drugging the pineapple you just placed in your knapsack. Thus...

7. Do not take any food you come across lying around the Dungeon. You don't know who prepared it, and it could harbour all sorts of germs. Wait until you get the chance to buy your own ingredients and cook for yourself.

8. Don't ever give out your name. Since you don't know who to trust, it's best to make up a story. Telling people you meet that you're Judith Chalmers writing a holiday resort review for Wish You Were Here? is probably a good bet.

9. An empty jar of humbugs has a multitude of imaginative uses.

10. If a character asks you to pledge yourself to them for all eternity, do the polite thing and agree. You won't get very far if you don't make a few emotional attachments, will you?

Over to you guys.

[Malefact]

1. Feel free to use spells like POWER, GLORY, BACKFIRE etc.

2. Be as belligerent as you like in the pursuit of information.

3. Feel free to flog the Helmet, Knapsack, Eye Shield etc. to finance a jolly-up at the nearest inn.

4. Upon hearing a goblin horn, stay precisely where you are.

5. Don't be afraid to slay if someone is really getting on your nerves.

6. Lie through your teeth if you think it will help.

7. Feel free to go left if you feel like a change.

8. If some silly, white-bearded old fool starts talking to you, humour him, then forget everything he tells you.

9. Daggers are fun.

10. If you are given a spell called SPLASH, lose it as quickly as possible.

[GrimaldineGrimwold]

21. Your enemy may well be an advanced techomagician. Thus be sure to destroy technological objects like Reach Wands, which he has probably placed in your possession to trick you into destroying yourself.

22. Fight fire with fire.

23. As another Code rightly states, "Aggression Breeds Aggression". Thus collect together several aggressions of both sexes, let them breed, and soon you'll have an army of aggressions with which to destroy your foes.

24. If a large creature or creatures come toward you, make sure you stay to greet it properly. Running away without introducing yourself just isn't polite. Shouting out "Who is it?" to such creatures is a good way to politely announce your presence to them. Offering them "a present" upon first contact is considered very courteous.  

25. Supplementary to Rule 24, a good rule of thumb is that the more teeth a creature has, the more friendly its intentions toward you.

[KaM]

26. 'Uppers' and 'Downers' can be used for..ermm.. more than a single purpose.

27. Supplementary to Rule 20: 'Splash' is but a drop in the ocean; soon lost to Katrina and the Waves.

28. Coonan the Vegetarian is a clean animal rights activist. Carrots from him will be utterly vile-full and wholesomely gruesome.

29. Kicking Motley in the shins will gain you favour with many of the ladies, inc. Mellie and definitely Stiletta.

30. 50 year old Atruscan brandy is for personal consumption, being as it is, of course, non-alcoholic for minor participants. Remember: the Iocus is on you.  :D

[GrimaldineGrimwold]

Heh, good ones.

31. Spying is rude. Hand in any spyglasses you find to the appropriate authorities.

32. As your mother always told you, don't trust men with beards, especially if they offer you gifts, be they chocolate and sweets or Helmets of Justice and Eye Shields.

33. People are put in stocks for a reason. It's likely they've committed some heinous crime, so do the right thing and leave them where they are. If you rescue them, they'll only use the opportunity to commit more atrocities.  

34. Shoulder pads and nice starry outfits will serve you much better than knowledge and wit.

35. Related to Rule 34, make sure you prepare for your Dungeon experience by ensuring your outfits are properly colour coordinated, rather than spending your time practicing such mundane things as manoeuvring.

36. Advisors- make sure you give your Dungeoneer adequate descriptions. Her life may depend upon you properly describing the colour and configuration of the floor tiles in the room. Other things, such as imminent bomb explosions, can wait.

37. The password is always "Cottage Cheese".

38. As everyone knows, all dragons breathe fire and eat people. Thinking you can somehow tame one enough to ride it is sheer folly.

39. Advisors- if you all shout your instructions at once, your Dungeoneer will be able to distil them and choose the appropriate action from between them.

40. If given a choice between finishing your Quest and saving the Dungeon, choose the former. The Dungeon can look after itself.  

[Malefact]

41. Make sure your Dungeoneer dresses from head to toe in blue.

42. Snakes can be reasoned with.

43. Extra lives can be obtained by banging your head against stray television sets.

44. Feel free to cheat.

45. When all else fails... don't bother.

[GrimaldineGrimwold]

46. Anyone with any variant of "dread" or "fear" in their name is probably a completely misunderstood individual who's been stereotyped all their life and bullied since childhood because of their silly name. Do the honourable thing and give them a chance.

47. Supplementary to Rule 46, a good way to show your faithful intentions toward such a character is to volunteer to sit in their cauldron. You'll get a proper chance to get to know one another as the water comes to the boil.

48. In the vast majority of cases, taking Treguard up on the offer when he gives you a last chance to refuse the Quest and go home will save your Dungeoneer her life and the whole team a lot of embarrassment.

49. Do not listen to people who tell you that "The Only Way Is Onward. There Is No Turning Back". Turn around, take off the helmet, and you'll see for yourself that's a complete lie!

50. You don't know if it'll kill you until you try it.

[Lowebo]

51: always be kind to animals, especially those with three heads. they need a lot of TLC.

52. If you see a minecart or well, don't go near it - do you know where it will take you??

53. If you ever see a weapon, take it - you need some form of defence surely? - Failing that, charge at people like a bull with the horns on the helmet!

54. All people with beards except Vegetarians are evil - fact.

55. Why take healthy food like fruits and breads?? Look for the burgers!

56. If you were meant to complete the quest, why have only 8 done so??

57. All talking monsters can be scared off with the use of the incorrect answer.

58. Dont save anyone - after all, what have they done for you?

59. on causeways always go up in number - 1,2,3,4 etc not silly combinations like 2,5,1,5!

60. All elves lie. Goblins don't.