Parody of One Step Ahead by Nik Kershaw

[Drassil]

[It's late in Series 6. Sylvester Hands has been summoned to Mount Fear and is holding a skull. Lord Fear is holding a scroll.]

Sylvester Hands: Your lordship, I got you a pressie. This skeleton 'ead.

Lord Fear: You know me too well, Hands. But I'll let you keep it as a memento mori.

SH: A what?

LF: A reminder that one day, I will probably kill you.

SH: Oh. I found it when I was cleaning out the goblin pens, like you asked. Got the rest of the bones too if you want them.

LF: Oh yes, the goblin pens. That explains why you smell like half the Dungeon's done its business on you. And speaking of business, I have here the results of your performance review.

[Hands starts to look nervous.]

LF: Now you can expect me to be brutally honest. Not painfully honest however. I save that for special occasions. [Lord Fear opens the scroll.] I'll read it for you, shall I? Since you have trouble reading my handwriting. And indeed any writing. [Pause.] Across all categories, Hands, you are one step ahead of a pile of dung.

[Another pause. Hands looks even more nervous.]

LF: That's it. And I have to say, that I am seriously...

[Hands is quaking.]

LF: ...Impressed.

[Hands stands there in silence, dumbfounded.]

LF: Hands. Hands! Your jaw's dropped.

SH: Oh. Sorry. [Hands bends down and picks up the skull's jaw.]

LF: I really am impressed. One entire step ahead of dung. You've smashed your target by nine-tenths of a step.

SH: Thank you, yer lordship. I'm gobscamb... I'm gombasced... I can't believe it.

LF: Frankly, nor can I. So you'd better tell me how you did it.

[Hands thinks back, remembering his victory in capturing January in Quest 4 and how it wiped away previous humiliations. Then he sings. Parodying One Step Ahead by Nik Kershaw. Video, lyrics]

I catch my breath, after Sidriss caught my eye
I caught Matt too (until he called that samurai)
Since they cannot all be charmed
I must always be armed
With a rope that some rope-maker spun
I scratch myself, waiting for another one
(The scratching's fun)

I lurk all day and I stink all night
I broke my toilet, but that's alright
'Cause I took my rope and pulled it tight
To be one step ahead of poo

I think to myself, don't want to be the village fool
I am Hands like feet, I don't want defeat
Want a house of gold and jewels
So I got up before noon an'
I called myself Coonan
I thought that I'd got one for sure
But not this time
So I sat and thought some more
(In some manure)

I lurk all day and I stink all night
I broke my toilet, but that's alright
'Cause I took my rope and pulled it tight
To be one step ahead of poo

Don't want a good cry
Don't want to be some sad, useless dope
Won't use my head
I won't plot. Instead
I'll just use my rope

Yes, brawn was best
In January's quest
(His lordship's impressed!)

I lurk all day and I stink all night
I broke my toilet, but that's alright
'Cause I took my rope and pulled it tight
To be one step ahead of poo
x3