Knightmare Burp

[Drassil]

I've decided that a crossover between a very fine CITV show, and a very fine ITV (i.e. ITV-but-not-CITV) show, is in order...

[Knightmare begins, but instead of Treguard in the antechamber, it's Harry Hill.]

Harry: Hello, and welcome to Knightmare Burp! Merlin stars in Sensodyne ad!

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Harry: Treguard gets a job as the new Max Headroom!

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Harry: And David Learner spotted on day out with Count Brinkatore!

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Harry: Isn't it annoying when you get a runny nose, but you can't find a tissue in time?

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Harry: Back to Series 1 now. And Casper, the talking key, is making sure his voice gets heard.

[Clip plays of Casper wittering on to a dungeoneer. Harry provides voiceover: "Be quiet, I'm on a quest."

Clip continues. Harry voiceover: "You're starting to get on my nerves a bit now."

Clip carries on. Harry voiceover: "Just shut up!"

The scene changes to a modern-day reconstruction of the set from the clip, with a lookalike as the dungeoneer. Harry storms on as himself, grabs Casper from the dungeoneer, stamps on him, jams him into a padlock, slams the padlock down, and walks off.

The scene changes back to the antechamber as Harry walks back in, brushing his hands together in satisfaction.]

Harry: And now, it's time for my Fanfic Moment Of The Week. From 'The Final Frontier' by Louise Foxe, a story that features Brother Mace, a self-confessed tavern monk.

Choir: Fanfic Mo-ment Of The Weeeek!

"Pickle, come on, it's me - Brother Mace". 'Brother Mace?' thought Pickle, 'in a tavern?!'

Choir: Fanfic Mo-ment Of The Weeeek!

Harry: To Series 7 now. And Treguard and Majida aren't getting along too well. [A clip plays of Treguard and Majida arguing.]

Harry: But who was the better assistant? Pickle, or Majida? There's only one way to find out: FIIIIGHT!!

[Lookalikes of Pickle and Majida run into the antechamber from opposite sides, and attack each other. Genie in a Bottle plays.]

Harry: See you after the break! [He shouts encouragement at Pickle.]

[Drassil]

[After the ad break...]

Harry: Welcome back. New 'chavs only' ride installed at Alton Towers! [A clip of a dungeoneer dying in the Corridor of Blades plays in the magic mirror.]

Harry: Damien Hirst comes to the Dungeon!

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Harry: And advisor reveals himself as pyromaniac!

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Harry: Of course not! It's Series 5, where Ben and his team have won the Shield. Here it is look, in the antechamber, brought all the way back from Level 3.

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Harry: But wait. Haven't I seen that shield somewhere before?

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Harry: It was on Level 1 all along! All that effort going to Level 3 to find it - there was no need! Surely, though, the Powers That Be will make sure it isn't left lying around anymore.

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Voiceover from Harry: "There it is again! Quick, pick it up! You don't need to get the Crown, the Shield's right there!"]

Harry: It begs the question, how do quest objects find their way back into the Dungeon?

[The scene changes to a darkened antechamber, empty except for a fridge. Harry tiptoes in, dressed as Ah Wok, but with his trademark glasses on. He has a sack too. This is a parody of a certain advert.]

Harry: [Singing as Ah Wok] I'm a secret Shield and Crown burglar, Ah Wok! Ah Wok! I've been trying to give it up, but I really can't stop, Ah Wok! Ah Wok!

[He creeps over to the fridge, opens it, takes out the Shield and Crown, drops them into his sack, and shuts the fridge door.]

Harry: [Still singing as Ah Wok] I whisk them away! I'm a secret Shield and Crown burglar!

[Harry creeps out. The scene changes back to the Knightmare Burp studio, with Harry in his usual attire.]

Harry: Don't you just hate it when you're in the middle of something important, and someone turns up and listens in, but they've missed how it all started, so they take it all the wrong way? [ This clip plays from 3:16 to 3:24.]

Harry: [Awkwardly] Yes, love, so I hear. [Brightening up] Onto Series 8 now. And do I detect a change in the Life Force clock? [A clip of Series 8 plays, showing the Life Force Pie.]

They've turned it into a pie! [Turns his head to look at the side camera. Tongue-in-cheek] Or it could be a cake. [Turns back to the front camera.] In fact, I've got it here. [Puts a pie, identical to the Life Force pie, on the antechamber table.] Let's see how it actually tastes. [Cuts himself a piece, and bites into it.] Hmm, doesn't taste right. I wonder what's in it? [Spots something in the pie, and pulls it out.] Agh, it's Casper! [Harry chucks the key out the antechamber door. We hear Festus snarling.] That'll teach him.

And now, to sing us out, it's Jason Karl!

[The shot changes to Jason Karl, who stands in front of a microphone and sings the Knightmare VR theme. Harry appears behind him, dressed as Grimwold, and marches on the spot in time to the music. The show ends.]


If you've never seen TV Burp, the last episode of the current series is on ITV1 on Saturday.

[djoska]

that was great!!

Wel scripted and authentic to both shows!!
I like the bit about the quest object shield in Lv2-
about time someone noticed it!!!

[Drassil]

[Knightmare begins, but instead of Treguard in the antechamber, it's Harry Hill.]

Harry: Hello, and welcome to Knightmare Burp! Phantom Of The Opera fever hits the Dungeon! [ This picture appears in the magic mirror.]

Harry: And Thing from the Addams Family pays a visit! [ This video clip plays in the magic mirror from 0:10 to 0:15.]

Harry: Don't you hate it when you're trying to get someone to accept that your favourite band is the best, and they just won't listen? [ This video clip plays in the magic mirror from 0:56 to 1:06 (if you start it earlier or stop it later, the joke won't work!).]

Harry: [Shrugs] He just wouldn't listen! To Series 5 now. And Pixel, the pixie, is having a chat with a dungeoneer.

[Clip plays of Pixel babbling to a dungeoneer (including this image). Harry provides voiceover: "I'm sorry, love, your voice is a bit high, could you say that again?"

Clip continues. Harry voiceover: "Seriously, I can't understand you, and you're getting a bit irritating."

Clip carries on. Harry voiceover: "This is ridiculous."

The scene changes to a modern-day reconstruction of the set from the clip, focusing on the table at the back of the room. Harry walks on as himself.]

Harry: Pixel, could you come over here for a moment? I can't hear you over there.

[Pixel flies over to Harry.]

Harry: Down a bit, come a bit closer.

[Pixel lands on the table. Harry brings out a rolled-up newspaper and smacks her. He walks off.

The scene changes back to the antechamber as Harry walks back in and puts down the newspaper.]

Harry: To Series 7 now. This was when Motley the jester took time off, and instead, we had the delights of Fidjit the locksmith. [A clip featuring Fidjit plays.]

Harry: But who was better? Motley or Fidjit? There's only one way to find out: FIIIIGHT!!

[Lookalikes dressed as Motley and Fidjit run into the antechamber from opposite sides, and attack each other. Then lookalikes of numerous other Knightmare characters run in and attack Fidjit too. This song plays.]

Harry: See you after the break. [He shouts encouragement at Motley.]

[Drassil]

[After the ad break...]

Harry: Welcome back. Lord Fear caught downloading pictures of Size Zero models from the internet. [ This picture appears in the magic mirror.]

Harry: And another member of the Addams Family visits the Dungeon! [ This picture appears in the magic mirror.] It's Cousin Itt!

Harry: To Series 2 now. And Team 7 are about to get into a spot of bother. [A video clip showing the SHROUD incident plays in the magic mirror.]

They're dispelling, but it just isn't working! Surely if Treguard helps them, very subtly, then they'll realise their mistake. [The clip continues.]

[Harry pats his head and puts on his droning 'idiot voice'] Why's he making that noise? Let's ignore him! [Reverts to his normal voice.] Luckily for the team, Treguard makes it even more obvious. [The clip continues.]

So, why did Treguard give them so much help? Well, it turns out that someone had written him a letter. [Turns to the side camera.] A letter. How ironic! [Turns to face forward again.] Here it is, look. [Gets the letter out, and reads it.] 'Dear Treguard. My son and his friends will be appearing on your show. Unfortunately, they have trouble remembering all of the letters in six-letter words. Please could you fix it for them to get plenty of massive hints if they forget one and get stuck?' Yes, it's Treg'd Fix It!

[The scene changes. The antechamber now looks slightly different, and Harry Hill is there, dressed as both Treguard and Jimmy Savile. He twiddles a cigar.]

Treguard/Jimmy: Now then, now then. Welcome to Series 8 of Treg'd Fix It. And here is a letter from Dunstan Roberts, which I will read. It says: 'Dear Treguard, I am going to be on Knightmare soon, and I would like to win. The trouble is, I don't like Level 2. Level 1 is good for getting into the swing of it, and Level 3 is tense and exciting. But Level 2 just slows things down. So, when I come on to do my quest, please could you fix it for me?' Well, Dunstan, let me see what I can do.

[A clip plays of Dunstan taking the 'Short Cut' from Level 1 to Level 3.

The scene returns to Harry Hill, dressed as his usual self, in the antechamber.]

Harry: [Sings] Treg'd fix it for you, and you and you... [Stops singing.] Dunstan was so pleased with his quest that he went on to bring out a range of board games. I've got a couple of them here. Here's Dunstan's Monopoly. [Brings out a slightly altered Monopoly board.] Instead of 'Free Parking', it says: 'Free Ride Directly to Go'. And all the Chance Cards say: 'Proceed to Go'. Community Chest is just pictures of Stiletta. [Pushes the board out of sight.] And here we have Dunstan's Snakes And Ladders. [Brings out an altered Snakes And Ladders board.] There's one big ladder going from the bottom to the top, and er... not many snakes. [Grimaces slightly and pushes the board out of sight.]

You know, it must be difficult having an aversion to 'two'. I mean, what if someone says, "Dunstan, I graduated last week, my degree class was between a third and a two-one. I won't be able to meet you at 12:45, can we meet an hour later, after I've seen that famous South African clergyman, Desmond Whatshisname?" Dunstan would say, "Oh, congratulations on your [pause-pause]. OK then, let's meet at a quarter [pause pause], and do give Archbishop [pause-pause] my regards!" Personally, I'd have done Level 2, and made things a whole lot easier. [Turns to the side camera.] And fairer. [Turns to face forward again.]

And now, to sing us out, it's Wall Aid!

[The shot changes to the members of Knightmare fan singers Wall Aid, who stand in front of microphones and sing a shortened version of Do They Know It's Quest Mess?. Behind them is a blue board with a hole in: Harry, wearing grey face paint, sticks his head through, pretending to be a wall monster and moving his head to the music. The show ends.]


I must add that there's a TV Burp Christmas special on ITV1 on the 30th, and a new series due to start on January 20th.

[Edit: the above was written several years ago, and in light of more recent information, I would like to offer apologies to anyone offended by the Treg'd Fix It scene.]

[Drassil]

[Knightmare begins, but instead of Treguard in the antechamber, it's Harry Hill.]

Harry: Hello, and welcome to Knightmare Burp! Knightmare Dancing On Ice cancelled after only one viewer tunes in! [ This picture appears in the magic mirror.]

Harry: And Nazi joke causes offence! [ This picture appears in the magic mirror.] Come back, it was only a joke!

Harry: Isn't it funny how some people end up looking like their gargoyles? This picture appears in the magic mirror.]

Harry: Now, I've been trying to track down an old schoolfriend, a chap called Philip Render. He's a knight now, but it's been so long, I don't know what he looks like these days! Still, I think I've found his number, so I'll give him a call. [Picks up a spyglass and taps the handle as if pressing buttons. Tones can be heard.]

Harry: Hello, yes, are you by any chance Sir Philip Render? [ This clip plays from 1:16 to 1:25. Harry looks shocked and puts down the spyglass.] Sorry I asked.

Harry: Series 8 again. And Richard the dungeoneer is about to become dinner for Bhal-Shebah the red dragon. [ [url=hhttps://youtu.be/8lncj6DrbJg?t=51]This clip[/url] plays from 0:51.]

Harry: Now. I like cooked dungeoneer. And I also like raw dungeoneer. But which is better? There's only one way to find out: FIIIIGHT!!

[A dungeoneer wearing the old helmet, and one wearing the new helmet, steaming, looking charred, and with an apple in his mouth, run into the antechamber from opposite sides and begin fighting. Food Glorious Food plays.]

Harry: See you after the break. Go on, Raw Dungeoneer!

[After the ad break...]

Harry: Welcome back. Knightmare scratch card in Series 3. [ This picture appears in the magic mirror.] Agh, just wasted a quid on that.

Harry: And giants on romantic stroll get in dungeoneer's way. [ This picture appears in the magic mirror.]

Harry: Haven't the Krankies let themselves go? [ This picture appears in the magic mirror. Harry turns to the side camera.] Well, maybe just one of them. [Turns back.]

Harry: To Quest 2 of Series 6 now. And I think Dreadnort is about to catch up with Sumayya! Ooh, it's so exciting! [ This clip plays up to 1:14.]

The Dreadnort's actually going to remove a limb! Oh, I can't wait to see which one he chooses! [The clip continues.]

[Harry grimaces.] What? I thought you said you were going to take a limb. Don't say it if you're not going to do it!

[The scene changes to a reconstruction of the one in the clip, with a lookalike in Sumayya's place and a model in Dreadnort's. Harry walks on, shoving Sumayya out the way, and pulls off Dreadnort's arms.]

Harry: There! That's how you do it! And take something for your throat. [The scene returns to the antechamber as Harry walks back on.]

Harry: And now, to sing us out, it's Gundrada the Sword Mistress!

[The shot changes to Gundrada in the pillory. She sings some of Release Me by Engelbert Humperdinck. Harry joins in at the end. The show finishes.]

[Drassil]

Drassil, your Knightmare burp is very funny, I've just never mentioned it because I don't want to sound like a creep.

Thank you kindly. If I may say so, Sir, that you demonstrated exquisite taste, and should be most proud of sharing such a wise opinion.

There. I've outcrept you so you don't have to worry now.

Seriously though, the best way for me to return the compliment is...


[Knightmare begins, but instead of Treguard in the antechamber, it's Harry Hill.]

Harry: Hello, and welcome to Knightmare Burp! Treguard gives prediction for most popular TV show of 2007. [ This video clip plays in the magic mirror from 2:20.] Yeah, no need to spell it for us.

Harry: Hordriss admits to taking performance-enhancing drugs. [A clip plays of Hordriss at the end of Series 5 summoned by Kelly and saying, "One moves with grace and speed."]

Harry: And Lillith works on her Catherine Tate impression! [ This picture appears in the magic mirror.] "Phase, bovvered?"

Harry: You know what it's like: you get on the bus, or you go down to the park, and someone's in your seat. It's not really your seat, but you're used to sitting there, you planned on sitting there, and don't want to sit anywhere else. So what's the best way of getting that across to the person in your seat?

[ This video clip plays from 1:17 to 1:23.]

Harry: [Uncomfortable] Yeah... that'd do it, I suppose.

Harry: Series 3 now. And a tough question from Golgarach the wall monster. [A clip plays of Golgarach asking: "Which is easier to hold? A lead vase or a feather in the wind?"]

Harry: Now. I like lead vases. And I also like feathers in the wind. But which is better? There's only one way to find out: FIIIIGHT!!

[A man dressed as a vase runs into the antechamber from one side. A man dressed as a feather swings in on wires from the other side. They bump into each other and begin fighting. The theme song from Birds Of A Feather (What'll I Do) plays.]

Harry: See you after the break! Go on, Lead Vase!

[After the ad break...]

Harry: Welcome back. Mogdred's tai chi session rudely interrupted! [ This picture appears in the magic mirror.]

Harry: And after starting Merlin off with the opening moves of the Loco-Motion, for the first time since the year Kylie released her version of the classic song, Treguard tells Merlin to perform the rest. [ This video clip plays in the magic mirror from 0:55 to 1:08.]

Harry: I wonder how Merlin would have got on with the dance moves of such hits as '5,6,7,8', 'One For Sorrow' and 'Deeper Shade Of Blue'. [Turns to side camera.] After all, Merlin did like his steps. [Turns back.]

Harry: Ever been in the position where you can't quite find the word you want to use? It doesn't matter if you use one that almost means the same thing, does it? [ This video clip plays from 0:50, showing the SHOVEL/SPADE spell mix-up in Quest 7 of Series 2 (Neil's team).]

[Harry pats his head and puts on his droning 'idiot voice'] Oh, was it SHOVEL? We thought it was SPADE. Are you sure it isn't TROWEL? [Reverts to his normal voice.]

Harry: Quest 3 of Series 5 now. And the Boatman's back. But he's not giving much away. [A clip from the quest plays, in which the dungeoneer tries to make conversation with the Boatman during a boat ride but is ignored. During the clip, Harry complains about the Boatman in voiceover form:

"She asked you a question."

"Why won't you speak?"

"Just say something!"

The clip plays up until the point where the boat reaches the jetty. At this point, the scene changes to reconstruction of the one in the clip. Harry walks on, passing a lookalike of the dungeoneer.]

Harry: Why did you threaten her? Who are you, anyway?

[He pulls off the Boatman's cowl, exposing his face.]

Harry: Pat Sharp!

Pat: Don't watch Knightmare, kids. Watch Fun House! It's wacky, it's fun, it's crazy, it's-

Harry: Outrageous! [He pushes Pat over the side of the boat and storms off.

The scene returns to the antechamber as Harry walks back on.]

Harry: And now, to sing us out, it's Neil's team from Series 2!

[The shot changes to Neil and his advisors singing Motorhead's 'Ace Of Shovels'. Harry, dressed in leathers, dances behind them and joins in at the end. The show finishes.]

[Drassil]

[Please note: a number of the jokes here depended on clips of Knightmare on YouTube which have since been removed. I have added descriptions instead.]

Hello, and welcome to Knightmare Burp! Bubblegum-blowing dwarf assists Lord Fear! [ Picture.]

Tribute to One Foot In The Grave opening sequence in Series 7! [ Picture.]

And Treguard reveals medical problem! [Cue a clip from Series 1 Episode 4] Woah, too much information!

Isn't it annoying when you're trying to choose some ice cream from the freezer cabinet, and your other half won't stop nagging?
[A clip plays from Series 8 Episode 1. Harry commentates.]
"Own brand vanilla's fine! We don't need a Viennetta for tonight, it's only the Scaramongers coming over!"
I think I'd better help them sort it out. Excuse me.
[The scene changes to a recreation, looking from behind at lookalikes of Treguard and Majida. Harry comes in behind them, and pushes Majida into the pool, shakes Treguard's hand with a grin, and leaves.

The scene returns to the KM Burp studio. Harry walks back in and sits back down.]

Oh no, I just remembered: it's Hordriss the Confuser's birthday, and I've nothing to give him. Here he is, look. I wonder what I should get him. Maybe McGrew can help. Excuse me.

[Harry leaves the studio. The scene changes to a Dungeon room, where Harry meets McGrew (guest appearance by David Verrey), dressed in his usual attire.]

Harry: McGrew, you've got something on your kilt.

McGrew: Oh. [Looks down. While he is distracted, Harry punches him out. There's a ripping sound as Harry tears off McGrew's shoulder clasp. Looking pleased, Harry leaves.

In another Dungeon room, Harry walks up to a lookalike of Hordriss.]

Harry: Here you go, Hordriss. Happy Birthday!

[The scene changes to the studio, as Harry walks back in.]

Harry: Let's see how he looks now. [ Picture.] Ah, much better!

Hasn't botox taken years off Rob Brydon? [ Picture.] Of course not! It's Michael from Series 8. Which brings me to our TV Highlight Of The Week!

Singers: TV Highlight Of The Weeeeek!

[This clip plays from 1:51 to 2:01.]

Singers: TV Highlight Of The Weeeeek!

Series 3 now. And it's Hordriss' first real appearance - back before I gave him that brooch.
[ Sound clip, in which Hordriss blocks dungeoneer Leo's way on a bridge and tells him to "go back... or perhaps go down."]
But which is better: going back or going down? There's only one way to find out: FIIIIGHT!

[A Hordriss lookalike walks in backwards. A dungeoneer lookalike is lowered from above on strings and begins fighting with Hordriss. The chorus of Down To Earth by Curiosity Killed The Cat plays.]

Harry: See you after the break. Go on, Hordriss!

[After the adverts...]

Welcome back to Knightmare Burp. Invisible crisp munchers in Series 1!
[A Series 1 clip plays in which the marching sound of the unseen "Army of the Dead" can be heard.]

Bird unamused by Hitler impression! [A clip plays from Ross' quest in Series 3, in which Ross raises his hand and the talking bird doesn't respond.] "What, don't you do accents?"

And Keith Richards is beginning to show his age. [ Picture. Return to Harry, frowning.] Don't really get that one.

Oh dear, I'm going to have to pop out for a moment. You see Hordriss was so grateful for that birthday present that he's recommended two films to me, both starring Tom Hanks, and I want to get them out before the video shop closes. I won't be long.

[Harry leaves the studio. The scene changes to the video shop. A woman is behind the counter, with a computer for looking up available videos.]

Woman: Hello.

Harry: Oh hello, yes, I've had two films recommended to me. One is most powerful and is called Saving Private Ryan. The other is quite humble, and is called Big. Do you have them?

Woman: I'll just check for you. Can you spell the first one for me please?

Harry: Of course, it's S-A-V-I-N-G-P-R...

[A sword prop comes down on a string, and starts poking Harry. He tries to bat it away, and ends up running out of the shop. The Woman turns to the camera. She is Helen from Series 4, whose team got two spells from Hordriss but died by trying to spellcast TRANSFORMATION against Mogdred instead of BUT.]

Helen: Too long! The title was too long.

[Harry returns to the studio.]

Great. I wonder if he's got any more Tom Hanks film recommendations. [This clip from Quest 5 of Series 6 plays from 2:33.] Oh, I know, the one where he meets a mermaid? OK, I'll give it a try.

Now, I always thought that the Dungeon was made up of levels, some upper, some lower. I'm sure Merlin confirms it during Martin's quest in Series 3. [A clip plays of Merlin telling Martin that Morghanna has entered the Dungeon "via the Lower Catacombs."]

Hang on a minute. Catacombs?

Pickle: Catacombs?
McGrew: Catacombs?
Mark Knight: Catacombs?
Barry Thorne: Catacombs?
Billy Hicks: Catacombs?
Blocker: Catacombs?
Hugo Myatt: [on a motorbike] Catacombs?
Bhal-Shebah: Catacombs?
Tommy Boyd: Catacombs?
Grippa & Rhark: Catacombs?
Majida: Catacombs?
Pat Sharp: Catacombs?
Ah Wok: Catacombs?
Michael Cule: Catacombs?
Bryan McNerney: Catacombs?

Harry: Well, you get the idea with that.

Series 6 now. And Hands is meeting Madonna's ex-mother-in-law. [A clip plays of Sylvester Hands mistaking a hooded dungeoneer (Chris, Team 7) for a witch and calling him "Missus Witchie". When the clip has finished, Harry turns to the side camera, looking very earnest.] Unfortunately, Madonna didn't know that this was being written, and decided to have a divorce, forcing a rewrite. My thanks to Madonna's ex-mother-in-law for rescuing this joke. [Harry turns back.]

Which brings me to our Least Scary Attempt At Being Scary Of The Week!

Singers: Least Scary Attempt At Being Scaaary Of The Weeeeek!

[A clip plays of the password guard in Quest 5 of Series 7.]

Singers: Least Scary Attempt At Being Scaaary Of The Weeeeek!

And now, to sing us out, it's Honesty Bartram.

[Honesty Bartram, in the studio, sings an abridged version of this song. Harry joins in at the end, then says goodbye. The show ends.]

[Billy]

Hehe awesome Knightmare Burp, even I'm in it!! Always good to see another Keith Richards joke as well

[Drassil]

[Harry walks on, passing a lookalike of the dungeoneer.]

Harry: Why did you threaten her? Who are you, anyway?

[He pulls off the Boatman's cowl, exposing his face.]

Harry: Pat Sharp!

Pat: Don't watch Knightmare, kids. Watch Fun House! It's wacky, it's fun, it's crazy, it's-

Harry: Outrageous! [He pushes Pat over the side of the boat and storms off.]

In a sketch in last night's 8 Out of 10 Cats does Countdown, Jimmy Carr animated a body under a sheet a la Dr. Frankenstein. When he took off the sheet, the body was revealed to be Pat Sharp.

Sometimes, if you wait long enough, life imitates art.