Dice on red textile. Photo by Joel Abraham on Unsplash.

RPG Season 2 Quest 9

By Nicholas Lam

The ninth quest in the second season of the Interactive Knightmare RPG. The team is Jackie and Jeanna from Cardiff.

Session 13 - 03 December 2000

Image of Treguard for the Knightmare RPG

Treguard Vile creatures be waiting in the most dangerous dungeon of all. But brave souls like yourselves tread the path in search of glory. The score is now 8-0 to the opposition, and there are only three and a half hours left.

Majida Oh, don't tell me you've been counting the hours? Let's get some teams in fast and beat the unholy king's ar*e!

Treguard If we are to beat the Unholy King, we need a team who are smart and fast and looking at the timer, I should think that we'll be able to get in another two teams.

Treguard But, the dungeon is currently being threatened by the Evil one himself, so somebody will have to save us won't they? Let's get our next team in quickly!

Majida Can I have the honour this time? You know I've been on holiday for a while. Pickle covered for me once as I remember.

Treguard Oh very well.

Majida Enter Stranger!

Jackie Jackie from Cardiff

Treguard and you have friends to help you?

Jackie yes of course

Treguard Welcome. Will you need a reminder of the rules?

Jackie yes please

Treguard On your travels you make take two objects unless told otherwise. You can possess as many spells as you like but cast only 3 in the whole adventure. Your health status is represented by a display shown in the top right of the magic mirror. In green you are at full strength. When it turns yellow, you should be on the lookout for food, and on red you are in grave danger. Put food into your knapsack.

Designate a person on your team who will cast out spells, and one who will give directions. If you all give directions, or answers to a riddle, then the first answer/direction will be taken. Good Luck

Treguard Who will call out the actions?

Jackie I will

Treguard and Jeanna will be the spell Caster

Treguard Right. Are you ready?

Jackie yes

Treguard good, take a step forward into the unknown

A hall of choice for the Knightmare RPG

Treguard You enter a plain room with four exits. Each exit has a narrow path leading up to it. Above each door is a different symbol.

Treguard This is the hall of choice. Here you must choose an object to redeem. Will it be the cup that heals (which some call the chalice), the sword of freedom, the shield of justice or the crown in glory?

Treguard Go through any of the doors and you will choose that quest. Stay where you are and your choice will be determined for you. It may also be a quest not available to you by choice.

Jackie chalice please

Treguard An excellent choice

Soem ruins with a spyglass in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You emerge in a small area with ruins in it and a small park area. Welcome to Level 1, team. Here you will find all the necessities that any traveller would need.

Treguard I should try to find the Level 1 clue room and then decide what else to do. The path carries on into the distance where you can just make out a portal

Treguard In front on you is a spyglass.

A spyglass sequence in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

"Listen. I need you to change the combination on the Level 1 causeway for me. Change the order of letters, so that they're reversed, i.e. you figure out the word then start with the end letter. See to that now!"

"That won't be a problem. Anything else?"

"Yes, I need you to Shut up that silly little bitch Gezelda. She keeps on leaking the password of the day to everyone. Lock her in one of my forcefield pens onLlevel 1. The only way to break through it is by rolling a green globe. I don't think anyone in Level 1 has one, but who knows, so keep a look out. I think the merchant in town has one, so go and get him now! If you see anyone with green globes, destroy them."

"Consider it done Sir."

"Yes. Communications OUT!"


Treguard you drop the spyglass

Treguard Team, now what?

Jackie walk to portal

A Level 1 clue room in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You enter a room with three exits. In front of you is a table while further ahead there is a wall monster. Ah, welcome to the Level 1 clue room team. You need your wits here, for your wits surely will be tested.

Treguard "Stand there, creature. If you wish to know, you must earn. Answer three of my questions, and I shall give you some information concerning the objects that are laid out on the table there in front of you.

Treguard If you score 0 questions correctly, I will dispose of you very quickly. Score 1 and you may take any objects you wish.

Treguard Score 2 and you will receive information about one of the objects on the table. Score 3 and you will receive all information. Ready?"

Treguard Listen team. If you score 3, you can call out "I command you" to receive a bonus.

Treguard Here is my first.

Treguard What is the capital of Australia?

jeanna hang on

Treguard I'm waiting

Jackie Canberra


Treguard Here is my second.

jeanna My partner can't see the bottom 4 lines of text

Treguard hmm, maximise the window?

Treguard Creatures lurk, feared and foul. But you must tell me now, the name of the famous bogus creature That is named after the watery place from which it comes from

jeanna fungus


Majida He doesn't look too happy team!!

Treguard Too late. The answer was LOCH NESS

Jackie loch ness monster

Treguard Here is my third and final question

jeanna he said it. this is ridiculous

Treguard The planets are what's important, But tell me now, what does Jupiter bring?

Jackie happiness

Treguard Truth Accepted

Treguard Jollity was the answer

jeanna we got 3 right

Treguard ? ok

jeanna I COMMAND U

Treguard Three is the score. I am most impressed. Here is your clue:

Treguard "K9 Actions may save you."

Treguard Oh very well.

Treguard "Sounds you need not make."

Treguard I sleep now

jeanna shall I take over Jackie?

Jackie if you don't mind. I can't see the bottom four lines so it's making things awkward

Majida I don't know Treguard, those monsters give me the creeps

Jackie go to table

Treguard Some interesting things on the table

Treguard descriptions are available

jeanna get banana

Treguard you can now take 2 objects

jeanna was "sounds u need not make" a clue?

Treguard yes

jeanna right so we don’t need the horn

Treguard and the "K9 actions may save you"

jeanna pick up dog substitute

Treguard Yes

jeanna right so we have the dagger or the gold

jeanna I think we may need to barter later. Pick up gold

jeanna Walk to left portal

A bridge area in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You emerge in a small area. Ahead of you is a bridge which on the other side is a portal (which you can't see). Just in front of you a man looks at a pole in the ground.

Majida What's so interesting about a pole?

Treguard Well, all my girlfriends are impressed by my pole

Majida Treguard! You dirty thing! How dare you speak in such a manner!

jeanna hahaha. i certainly am impressed

Treguard What? No, I mean my 10 Foot concrete Roman Column pole that I have dominating the middle of the gardens outside.

Treguard Well team, it's up to you

jeanna talk to man

A shop in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard "Oh hello there, young traveller. Whatever you want, I'm sure that I'll have it. Even if I don’t, I'll have something very similar to it. So, erm. What was it you wanted then?"

jeanna I really would like to find a green globe

Treguard Hmm, what have you got to offer for this?

jeanna Treguard is this man to be trusted?

Treguard I should think so

jeanna I have this bar of solid gold

Treguard That will do. Here it is then. Use it wisely, and good luck to you."

Treguard Hey listen, you sound like a right good fella, and just to show you how appreciative I am for your business, I'm going to gift you a simple, but effective spell, REVOLVE. Use it wisely. Farewell!

A giant cat blocks the way in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You enter an area in front of some ruins. This team, used to be the quarters for the monks in the nearby church

Majida But what is this blocking path?

Treguard Caution team. We've seen this cat before. I never forget a pussy.

Majida Cat!

Treguard Yes, thank you Majida. Anyway, team, trying to get past it unnoticed might prove difficult. The choice is yours of course.

jeanna use dog substitute

A dog scares away the cat in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You drink the potion and turn into an Alsatian! Well, I don't think you'll have any problems getting to the door now team.

jeanna sprint to exit

A causeway of letters in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You enter a puzzle room. Quick team figure out the word that is formed over the causeway from one side to the other! You can only step on hexagons that touch each other.

Treguard 60 seconds remaining

Treguard 50

Jackie scramble

Treguard CORRECT

jeanna well done darling

Jackie cheers hon

A woman is caught in a trap in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You enter an area with some ruins in it. Ahead of you is a woman who seems to be trapped in some sort of force field.

Treguard "Help me please! Don't let the goblins get me please!"

jeanna roll globe at forcefield

A woman is released from the trap in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Majida She is freed!

jeanna yippee

Treguard Thank you from rescuing me from that forcefield. The goblins might have come for me. Well I will reward you with one gift. I'd like to give you more, but unfortunately that's the rules. But first, I think an exit is necessary. Incratus Revelante!

A portal appears in a wall in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard "There is your exit. Now please, tell me want you want as a gift in return for helping me."

jeanna the password for Level 2

Treguard "I thought you'd be needing the password. You'll certainly need it if you want to get off this level. The password is BLUDGEON. Be vigilant, and god speed!

Treguard Well done team!

A skeletron guard in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You are standing in front of a wall. In front of you an arch lets you see the forests that lie beyond this settlement. Just in front of you, a Skeletron stands.

Majida Who's been on a crash diet!

Treguard "Give me the password now or perish!"

jeanna remember we must say it in reverse order as we were told

Treguard no no, just the password


Treguard I don't want any of your spells

Treguard "That is the correct word. Pass, little thing, whether you be friend or foe.

A ladder down to Level 2 in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You emerge in a corridor with a ladder. Well done team, you have reached the end of Level 1, and are now ready to proceed to Level 2, where even more dangers await you.

jeanna climb down ladder

Treguard GOING TO LEVEL 2!

Treguard hmm, very strange team. You didn't need that spell and you had to abandon it in level 1

jeanna hahah

The opening scene of Level 2 in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You jump down onto the ground. In front of you are two portals, while just on the floor in front of you is a large tomato.

Treguard Ahead of you are two portals

jeanna Pick up succulent tomato

Treguard I hear something coming!

jeanna walk to right portal

Majida Hurry

A colourful chamber in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You enter a room with three exits. In the middle of the room is a small table with some objects on it, while standing next to it is a man.

jeanna Walk to table

Treguard "I suppose you'll be wanting to know exactly who I am. Well, my name is unpronounceable by the human tongue. I am what's known as a technomage. I occasionally stand in for Merlin when he's busy. I also give information concerning the items on the table.

Jackie no limits

Treguard Now, good luck and farewell!

jeanna look at table

Treguard On the table are:

jeanna what d'ya know? let’s go with the thicker potion

jeanna jackie what u thinking?

jeanna is that mirror a spyglass?

Treguard no

Jackie I’m tempted by the mirror coz I’m so good looking

jeanna pick up mirror

Treguard Oh how drole, hey Majida?

jeanna don't want too much liquid

Majida Yes

Treguard Now you have your two objects

A green room with a spyglass in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You enter a strange green room with two exits. In front of you is a spyglass

jeanna pick up spyglass

Looking through the spyglass in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

"So as I was saying. You must get it very quickly."

"Get what?"

"You numskull! That thick toe rag of a servant, the snake man, has a certain necklace which is needed to get past the guard that lurks in one of the final rooms of Level 2. The guard fears the necklace so much, that he is obliged to let anyone pass who possesses it."

A spyglass sequence in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

"But why?"

"Well you idiot. The necklace possesses certain powers which most of the opposition forces are afraid of, except of course, myself."

"Ah. I see. Can I also make a request?"

"Hmm, anytime. What, you want lunch on daisy hill in Level 1 with your boyfriend Binky?"

"Erm, no, not this time. I was wondering if I can get rid of that person who is watching us."

"Sure, feel free to."


jeanna scandalous

jeanna put down spyglass

Treguard you put it down

jeanna phew. walk to right door

Jackie pepe le phew

A snake creature threatens in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You enter a room with a portal at the back. Just in front of you the Snake man stands.

Treguard "Oh hello there. I suppose you think that I'm going to kill you. Well, I'm having a bad day up to now, and really need cheering up. If somebody could cheer me up with something, I'd be very happy."

Treguard oooh I hate snakes!

jeanna snake> how long has it been since you've seen your reflection?

Treguard I saw it this morning

jeanna ok not that

Treguard Ah, I'm getting bored

jeanna offer the potion

Treguard Ooh what's that?

jeanna a potion

Treguard What does it do?

jeanna what do u want it to do?

Treguard Make me happy like I'm on Marijuana

jeanna thats what it'll do maaaaannn.. just chill out I’ll light up

jeanna take a puff on this potion

Treguard "What.. hmm. is what. What you want eh?"

Treguard You have some pretty good sh*t

jeanna da bomb yo

Majida He's a stone snake

Treguard Wherat?

jeanna I think we should make a run whilst he's out of it

Treguard What you want from me?

Jackie should we ask for the necklace jeanna?

jeanna sorry yes. we wanna de necklace yo dog

Treguard "This. Hmph! Here, is sh*te anyway, enjoy it, might be tasty. Go on. Off with yer!"

jeanna Peace snake thing

Jackie thanks jake

Treguard yeah

jeanna walk to portal

The medusa appears in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You emerge on a small island. Ahead of you is a portal, but blocking it is….

Majida It's Medusa!

Treguard Be very careful team, stare at her for too long, and you will be turned to stone!

Jackie that would be cool

Treguard "Keep staring foul creature, for I shall make you very popular. With my stone statues that is!"

jeanna this b**ch is crazy

An hourglass image for the Knightmare RPG

Treguard GONG!

Treguard TIME OUT!

jeanna ok maaan

jeanna bong

Jackie bingo bango bongo

Majida Oh no! I hate it when this happens Tre Beard. So, when will we get to see what happens to them? I wish I could see into the future, but…

Treguard The name's Treguard you half-witted genie!

Session 14 - 10 December 2000

Treguard: My, I hadn't expected you here, for I thought that you'd all left and given up hopes of anyone ever beating my dungeon. Fear not, for there is still time for a couple of die to be cast. What happens during that time is what's important. A team in progress are getting deep into Level 2. Will they survive?

Majida Hurry up. At this rate, it'll be time out again before you know it!

Treguard Oh shut up you silly sprite.

Majida Hello?! I'm a genie, remember?

Treguard How can I forget. Anyway, I'll give you a reminder of what happened last week.

Image of Treguard for the Knightmare RPG


The medusa appears in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard Team. What are you going to do? Medusa has you trapped

jeanna hold up mirror

Treguard you hold it up

Treguard "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

The medusa is turned to stone in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Majida I guess she's not feeling in a talkative mood now eh?

jeanna woah. she's stoned man

Treguard I shouldn't linger here team, make your escape and fast!

jeanna walk to portal

A winged creature called Shyom in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard You enter a small area with two exits at the back. On the left hovers a wall monster

Treguard "Sacrilege! You have defiled the resting place of Shyom-Hij. Prepare to die now or present your token. One way or another, you're going to die somewhere along the dark and winding path which leads us all to our fate

jeanna what do u want?

Treguard I want a token or you to die!

*jeanna offers necklace

Treguard "I see that you do indeed carry the token. Very well. You may pass. But, for your sake, I hope that we never cross paths again!

jeanna walk to right portal

The dreaded eliminator puzzle in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard This is the main obstacle in Level 2 and is known as the dreaded eliminator. We've already lost two teams here. What you must do is look at the screen that appears.

Treguard You are given a situation. For example, -2 and +2. Then you go on to the first stage where you a given a question. MONDAY and JULY. Firstly, you must -2 on the Monday which will become Saturday, and then +2 on the JULY, which then becomes SEPTEMBER. A different situation is given for each of the 4 questions. If you don't get all these correct, the eliminator will swat you with a 20-Megawatt Fireball! You have 45 seconds per question! Go!

Majida We've lost many teams here, so be careful and be fast! To speed up your answer, a good idea is to set each person in your team one of the parts in the question.

Treguard The first question is

Treguard -1 , +2, Wednesday, 01:00

jeanna TUESDAY AT 3.00

Treguard CORRECT

The dreaded eliminator puzzle in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard -4 +3 -1, July, Sunday, A

jeanna March Wed Z

Treguard CORRECT

The dreaded eliminator puzzle in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

Treguard +5 -3 +6, September G Thursday

jeanna D

jeanna Wed

jeanna FEB D WED

Treguard CORRECT

Treguard 1 question left!

The dreaded eliminator puzzle in the second season of the Knightmare RPG.

jeanna Gemini

jeanna Libra

Treguard QUICK TEAM!

Image of the skull dead sequence for the Knightmare RPG

Treguard Ooooh nasty! The eliminator is hard, I know, but there must be another team out there that can get past it.

Treguard sorry

jeanna f**k off

Treguard but you were too slow

jeanna that is no time to think

Treguard did you know the answer?

jeanna f**k off

jeanna of course i did

***jeanna was kicked by Forester (Repeated cursing)

Majida Oh, I hate it when that happens. Treguard, this Evil one just keeps on making his puzzles too hard. We'll never beat him!

Treguard Perhaps you're right. What we need is a team with super mental abilities.

Treguard Spellcasting DISMISS.

Treguard Sorry Jackie

Jackie ok

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