This weekend I had a stab at writing something for Late (K)night with Lord Fear. I ended up doing something totally inappropriate i.e. a ‘funny’ sketch with obscure KM references. As such, I abandoned the attempt half way through. However, I thought I’d post my short output here because…well, where else would it go?
LISSARD
Lordness! Good morning Lordness! How are you thiss damp and gloomy day?
LORD FEAR
All the worse for seeing and smelling you my minion of dubious parentage. My god, you’d think I’d be used to the stench by now. If Treguard ever decides to send another one of those blind bullocks into the dungeon I think I’ll just get you to go and give them a hug.
Open the window on your way out.
LISSARD
Well if a new quesst was launched this very day I have no doubt that you would come up with a fiendisshly clever and gruessome way of ending it!
LORD FEAR
I honestly don’t know what disgusts me more Lissard, your sycophantic blathering or your breath. If it comes out of your mouth it makes me want to vomit.
Why are you still here?
LISSARD
Well Lordness, I was jusst about to vissit the Café Fearo up on Level Two and wondered if you fanssied anything – an Ah Wocha maybe or perhaps a Grippacino? How about a simple Jerichano?
LORD FEAR
Well, well, has the servant finally learned how to serve? You’re normally about as useful as a goblin who’s lost his horn.
Oh, oh wait a minute. I see. You want something! Alright, just spit it out – actually no spitting! God knows what half-digested foulness might fly out in an attempt to escape your rotting innards.
LISSARD
Ah there iss no fooling you masster! Well you sssee, I wass hoping to have the day off tomorrow.
LORD FEAR
The day off?! You haven’t done anything for twenty years! Why in the world would you want a day off – I assume it’s not for a dental appointment?
LISSARD
No Lordness, but I was hoping to have ssome time to leave the castle you ssee. To visit my mother.
LORD FEAR
You have a mother Lissard?
LISSARD
Everyone hass a mother massster.
LORD FEAR
Well I didn’t think you did. Surely a half-man, half snake abomination like your bad self was spawned by the misguided magic of a spectacularly insane sorcerer.
LISSARD
Ah, you jessst master. My mother carried me to term jussst as yourss did. My father however did not sstick around after he’d had his fun – the sssnake!
LORD FEAR
Hmm, I’m going to choose to believe you’re speaking metaphorically there Lissard.
LISSARD
Sshamed by her promissscuity my mother fled Atlantiss, abandoning me to fate until you ressscued me after the great flood and adopted me as your faithful sservant.
LORD FEAR
Yes, well we all make mistakes.
LISSARD
I have resseived word that mother is now living in a ssettlement on the outskirtsss of Dunkley wood, far away from the painful memoriesss of the ssea. As tomorrow is Mother’ss Day I would like to vissit her and give her thisss.
[Lissard holds up a snake]
LORD FEAR
A python? Why of course, what every mother wants on their special day!
LISSARD
My mother is a woman of unusual tastess Lordness.
LORD FEAR
Yes, I’d rather not go there if you don’t mind. Very well – go and visit the mad old bat. A day of fresh air might be just what I need.
LISSARD
Oh thank you Lordness! I am forever in your debt!
LORD FEAR
Yes, well nothing has changed there! Now get lost tuna breath before I reconsider!
[Lissard leaves]
Hmm, Mother’s Day…
[Lord Fear waves his hands over the pool of Veracity]
