The Knightmare Vending Machine

zzt

You receive a clue scroll.

A coin in the hand is worth two in the machine

I insert a coin.

Pooka

You get a bar of gold, similar to the ones found on the clue room tables. You try to insert it into the machine, but it doesn't take bars of gold of that particular size. You are disappointed, as you don't have any more coins.

I do, however. So I insert a coin.

Fidjit

Sorry - Sold Out try again Fidjit.

All I wanted was a password, or at least a Dr Pepper

Pooka

You don't have a password, so how could you get past a blocker, never mind use the machine?

In any case, the password's on the scroll, which is on the clue table, which also has coins. I take one and insert it.

DuxBellorum

I happen to have a coin, so I shall have a flagon of Ale, provided that's on offer in this vending machine?

Cheers!

Pooka

You receive the ale you asked for. You are surprised to find that it tastes like cherries. It has, in fact, been synthesised from the cherry on the Life Force pie, and now you are aging exponentially.

I insert a coin.

DuxBellorum

Oh dear...

I don't want to end up like Erica/Morganna from The Sorcerer's Isle!!

Mind you, if the Ale is good enough I'm sure I'll be too drunk to care!

The machine takes your coin and with it you receive a...

Hubcap for a 1976 Mark III Ford Cortina!!

I insert another coin.

Pooka

You receive a spell scroll. On closer inspection, you find that it contains both TRANSFORMATION and BUT. Someone's crossed out TRANSFORMATION in red marker pen and put a circle around BUT with annotations saying things like "this is the right one to use" and "winners use this spell". You decide to use TRANSFORMATION should you run into any difficulty.

I'm waiting patiently for the chance to insert a coin. I do so.

DuxBellorum

Hope the results of the TRANSFORMATION spell aren't too ghastly!

Your coin is accecpted and with it you receive...

A romantic (Or not!) dinner for two with Sylvester Hands at The Crazed Heifer.

Music will be provided by Ridolfo, who will be serenading you with a selection of classic Showaddywaddy hits.

I nervously insert another coin...

Pooka

I attend the dinner, but due to a mix-up, music is actually provided by Redfoo from LMFAO.

Sexy and you know it, you receive a bar of silver, akin to the ones found on clue tables. You decide to take it to the Dunswater Boatman, but he's having one of his greedy days and demands silver and gold.

While you're going to find Smirkenorff, who (oddly enough) will accept silver as payment for transportation, I decide to insert a coin.

zzt

The machine accepts your coin. It rattles for a bit, and then dispenses a scroll with a spell named "TRUTH". Uh oh. Is there something that caused this spell to be needed?

I fish in my pockets for several seconds and finally produce a coin, which I insert.

Pooka

You notice that the machine is having trouble dispensing your item, so you grab and pull it out. It's a chunky, frayed rope, which you swear you've seen on the floor in the Dwarf Tunnels from series 6 and 7. The machine splutters as you unspool the rope, clearly not built for something any more than a can or packet of crisps.

I'm confused by how the rope got here from the Tunnels, but that's your problem, I guess. My task here is to insert a coin. So I do.

DragonsBeHere

You get a tooth. A very large, rather slimy, tooth. You’re not quite sure what - or who - it belongs to. It’s far too big to be human but, then again, this is the Knightmare dungeon. Things are rarely the size they should be.

I have a coin, so I insert it.

Pooka

You get a scroll like those seen on the clue tables. You are excited to see what it says.

Upon unscrolling you find that it is completely blank. This must be a "do-it-yourself" scroll.

While you are thinking about what to write on it, and how to get a writing implement to do so, I insert a coin.