Musical Parody

[Series 4 has just ended. Everyone is fuming about Merlin's Christmas stunt, and his generally scandalous senility. Treguard marches into the Dungeon, finds Merlin's Series 3 chamber with his chair still in place, and summons him, ready to confront him. Official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntG50eXbBtc] Thank you for coming here I'm sorry that the chair is all worn    The cavemen made it when you were born Christmas is over now Your decorations got thrown away Not another spell for today We've had enough of you, had enough of you Your presence doesn't make me feel small You're nothing but a bumbling old fool Old (Old) Aging has taken his toll    You've lost the power to know You're unbelievable Always persisting, 'cause you are Old (Old) Bad that you're bound to return It's timing, we wish you'd learned    You're unbelievable, always persisting When you are casting spells I hope you take a little less time    A pause like yours is almost a crime It's only three years ago The wizard with the wand and the cloak You turned into a senile old joke Now we're annoyed with you, we're annoyed with you My hatred's like a high dungeon wall You're nothing but a bumbling old fool Old (Old) Aging has taken his toll You've lost the power to know You're unbelievable Always persisting, 'cause you are Old (Old) Bad that you're bound to return It's timing, we wish you'd learned You're unbelievable, always persisting...

A song sung by one of the Assassins from Series 4. Based on 'It's A Sin' by the Pet Shop Boys. Video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRHetRTOD1Q When I look out from my dark hood It's always with a sense of shame I've always been the one to blame For everything I long to stab No matter when or where I nab There's one fact that all can grab It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin Assassin Everything I've ever done Everywhere I try to creep Everyplace I've ever been Be it woods or ruined keep Assassin At home they taught me not to need To make a total stranger bleed They didn't quite succeed For everything I long to stab No matter when or where I nab There's one fact that all can grab It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin Assassin Everything I've ever done Everywhere I try to creep Everyplace I've ever been Be it woods or ruined keep Assassin Treguard forgive me I tried not to do it Turned over a new cloak Then tore right through it Whatever you taught me I didn't believe it Treguard you fought me Cuz I get so scared and I always understab So I look out from my dark hood Forever with a sense of shame I've always been the one to blame For everything I long to stab No matter when or where I nab There's one fact that all can grab It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin Assassin Everything I've ever done Everywhere I try to creep Everyplace I've ever been Be it woods or ruined keep Assassin It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin

I haven't contributed to this thread yet, have I? Well, we'll soon fix that. Here we are with a knightmare parody of Electric Six's "Dance Commander" You must obey the dungeonmaster Givin' out the order to run You must obey the dungeonmaster You know that he's the only one who gives the orders here, alright who gives the orders here, alright It would be awesome if we could quest-a It would be awesome, yeah let's do our best-a It would be awesome, yeah let's start the phase because you never know you never know you might go down in a fiery blaze Alright Alright ...who gives the orders here Alright ...who gives the orders here Alright The runes are drawn, the scrolls are in the dungeonmaster's ready to sin Radio message from level 2 Dungeonmaster, we love you. Let's get this quest started right, y'all. Let's get this quest started right. I went to the inn to get more gin... to start the war Everybody in this inn is whack I feel like I'm headed straight for a heart attack Lillith's pretty Malice's nice Take your chances roll the dice. Take your chances... It would be awesome if we could quest-a It would be awesome, yeah let's do our best-a It would be awesome, yeah let's start the phase because you never know you never know you might go down in a fiery blaze I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever I wanna make it last forever Ooo, baby! Alright Alright You must obey the dungeonmaster You must obey the dungeonmaster You must obey the dungeonmaster You must obey the dungeonmaster Come on! Come on, come on, come on, come on Come on...

Anyone mention singing Pookas? Brilliant Pickle and Kully song, David, and Thanatos: wonderful G&S bit!

For those of you that love Nightmare Before Christmas... This is Wolfenden EVERYONE: Boys and girls of every age wouldn't you like to see something strange Come with us and you will then, find our town of Wolfenden This is Wolfenden, this is Wolfenden, Stormgeists wail in the dead of night This is Wolfenden, everybody play again quest and win till the dwellers come and cry in delight It's our town, everybody’s den, in this town of Wolfenden FESTUS: I am the one hiding in the dungeons, never seen by any but I’ll chew on your bones SLY: I am the one hiding under your stairs, breath like ale and greasy knotted hair EVERYONE: This is Wolfenden, this is Wolfenden, Wolfenden, Wolfenden, Wolfenden, Wolfenden… POOKAS: In this town we call home, everyone hail to the pooka song FEAR: In this town, don't I love it now, everybody's quailing for the next surprise Round that corner, then, hiding in the elf paths, something's waiting now to pounce and how you'll.. Scream, this is Wolfenden… DRAGONS: red and black and slimy green, Aren't you scared? Well, that's just fine, MOTLEY: say it once, say it twice, take a chance and roll the dice, ride with the dragon in the dead of night OAKLEY: Everybody scream, everybody run, in our town of Wolfenden FOLLY: I am the clown with the whitened face, here in a flash and gone without a trace ASSASSIN: I am the who when you call "Who's there?", I am the wind blowing through your hair I am the shadow on the moon at night, filling your dreams to the brim with fright EVERYONE: This is Wolfenden, this is Wolfenden, Wolfenden, Wolfenden, Wolfenden, Wolfenden… Tender dungeoneers everywhere, the game’s no fun without a good scare, SKARKILL: that's our job but we're not done in our town of Wolfenden SLY: In this town, don't I love it now, everyone's swooning when I catch them up Great Lord Fear might be lurking near and bolt like lightning, make you jump out of your skin! EVERYONE: This is Wolfenden, everybody quest, won't you please make way for Treguard’s best Our man Tre is king of Castle K, everyone hail to the dungeon king Now, this is Wolfenden, this is Wolfenden, Wolfenden, Wolfenden, Wolfenden, Wolfenden… POOKAS: In this town we call home everyone hail to the pooka song La la la la la, etc, etc…

Brilliant! But are you sure Lissard can sing counter-tenor? Incidentally, the original lyrics and MIDI of Model of a Modern Major-General can be found at http://diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/pirates/html/p13.html (though the MIDI's tempo is a little slow). And now, yet more (well, the original's title, The Nightmare Song, was just asking for it - again, original lyrics and MIDI at http://diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/iolanthe/html/lying_awake.html When you quest past the lake with a dismal headache, and success is taboo’d by anxiety, I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without impropriety: For your brain is on fire – the hazards conspire of usual prowess to plunder you, Firstly Goth overflows and slime covers your toes, then a tile slips demurely from under you; Then the Eye-Shield tickles – you feel like mixed pickles – it’s so cheap the backing is hairy! And you’re hot and you’re cross – in the Sewers you’d toss this inane prop that’s unnecessary. Your clue objects all creep to the ground in a heap, and you pick ‘em all up in a tangle; Next the Helmet resigns and politely declines to remain at its usual angle! Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, when a nap the production crew’s taking. But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd very much better be waking; For you dream you are crossing the cold lake and tossing about in the Dunswater ferry, Which is something between a large bathing machine and an old R.U.C. van in Derry, And the strange boatman’s hood doesn’t smell very good – he could pass himself off as Sylvester – But you’ve got to the bank, your conveyor you thank, and you meet a quite unfunny jester. Your course then divergent, you meet a young merchant who looks rather thin as from hunger; He’s so poorly disguised that you don’t feel surprised when he tells you his name’s Scaramonger. Well, you bargain like mad with this mercantile cad and he offers poor potions and pebbles, And imperfectly strung tapes of Knightmare’s theme, sung by pre-pubescent altos and trebles; But this you can’t stand, so you throw up your hand, and you’re stuck with a nautical loud-talker, In his hat and his beard (of which both look quite weird) crossing o’er the Great Mire on the Cloudwalker: To him the Mire’s new and so too is his crew – which the captain at last has invested in – And he’s telling the tars all the particulars of an astrolabe he’s interested in – It’s inscribed with devices, to get at low prices his storm-rods and wind-transportations (Which voyages require) at speeds even higher than those of good teleportations – You show the good captain the fix which he’s trapped in (for guess what? The astrolabe’s vanished), And he’s rather annoyed – you can see he has toyed with the idea of having you banished – But reach an accord: you’re not thrown overboard and you help him to find it (oh, hark at it!), But Tim Child gets there first and his plan is the worst, for he trademarks the damn’d thing to market it – The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Televirtual, And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake – the dream’s really hurt you all – But the quest starts again, and you enter a glen, And are very soon seen, and you meet Gwendoline, And she’s pointing huge pins at your soles and your shins, And your flesh is a-creep, for the danger is deep, But she lets to go through, and the next room is blue, And you’ve moved from the glades, to the Passage of Blades, And you’d rather be back, though the view is all black, in the forest of oak trees and clover; But a blade comes at you, cuts you cleanly in two, And the quest has been long – ditto ditto my song – and thank goodness they’re both of them over!

(Oh dear, you should not have opened up the Gilbert and Sullivan vein....) LORD FEAR: HOW DARE YOU HANDS!!!! You would question my abilities, ME, LORD FEAR, the maaan, the big stinking cheese of evil? HANDS: But, well... your lordship... thing is... you've never actually caught one of those dungeon-thingies yourself.... SKARKILL: Yeah, your Fearship... err, Lordship, we all 'ave, and we think you don't appreciate what it's like... LISSARD: Yesssnessss, itsssss not fairnesssss LORD FEAR: IMBECILES! You don't seem to realise that I, Lord Fear, am a strategist. Whilst you lot traipse around the dungeon, I am here... planning... MALDAME: That's all very well, but what do you actually know? Hidden away in your fortress all day, which incidently you stole from me..... LORD FEAR: Know madam? Why everthing..... you might almost say.... I am the very model of a modern Techno-sorcerer.... (Music starts playing, Skarkill on bass chorus, Hands on Tenor chorus, Lissard on Alto chorus, Maldame on soprano chorus... LF steps to the front) HANDS: 'Ere, 'e isn't going to sing is he? LORD FEAR: Why, yes I am! I.... am the very model of a modern Techo-Sorcerer, I've information magical both technical and coarser-er, I know the rules of Knightmare, and I quote the loopholes therein found, From freezing all the dungeon plane to smashing troll kings through the ground. I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters necromantical, I understand enchantments, both the symbol and the canticle, About my monster theorem I'll illuminate a lot of sights, With many evil facts about the filthy lairs of cavernwights. ALL: With many evil facts about the filthy lairs of cavernwights With many evil facts about the filthy lairs of cavernwights With many evil facts about the filthy lairs of cavern- cavern-wights. LORD FEAR: I'm very good at setting all the inter-level warding-glyphs; I know the ancient writings and the Mogdred-Merlin conflict myths: In short, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er, I am the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer. ALL: In short, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er, He is the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer. LORD FEAR: I know our dungeon's founding in the dark days of the Gruagach I spy on all the dungeoneers and chase them with my great panache I roast them all with fireballs and I chase them with my evil stare, I even love to dress as Strange and catch them when they're unaware; I can tell powerless poser from a mighty-shielded PALADIN, I hire the dark assasins from the ancient court of Saladin, I used the mighty flaming rage of schizophrenic Bhel-Shabah, But I admit that crashing dragon left me with a nasty scar. ALL: But he admits that crashing dragon left him with a nasty scar. But he admits that crashing dragon left him with a nasty scar. But he admits that crashing dragon left him with a nasty scar. LORD FEAR: Then I can write a dungeon scroll in senseless baffling riddle-form, And tell you ev'ry detail of a polished Frightknight's uniform: In short, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er, I am the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer. ALL: In short, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er, He is the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer. LORD FEAR: In fact, when I know what's the threat from Heggaty and Majida, When I can tell at once a pooka's wail from that of Elita, When such affairs as meetings with my henchmen I'm more wary at, And when I know in Mills of Doom who made that polyhedral bat, When I have learnt what progress has been made in pools veracity, When I know more of Treguard's power lock up in words 'Oh Nas-i-ty'-- In short, when I'm applauded for my evil by the world at large, You'll say a better Techno-sorcerer has never been in charge. ALL: You'll say a better Techno-sorcerer has never been in charge. You'll say a better Techno-sorcerer has never been in charge. You'll say a better Techno-sorcerer has never been in charge. LORD FEAR: For my occult-laden knowledge, though I'm vicious and adventury, Has only been brought down to my last cry on network ITV; But still, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er, I am the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer. ALL: But still, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er, I am the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer. (Long embarrassed pause as they all realise what they've done) LORD FEAR: All right, not a word! I don't want this getting out..... (Far away, Treguard watches on his spyglass, and laughs)

I'm good enough to sing my own parody, Saws. Probably not very pleasantly, but at least in tune.

To add to the innumerable versions of this Mikado song (whose original lyrics and MIDI file may be found at http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/mikado/webopera/song05a.html, part of a site containing these for the entire operetta and numerous others): As someday it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list - I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground And who never would be missed - who never would be missed! There's the pestilential dungeoneers who cannot spell out "SHROUD", The skull-cap-wearing Daniel's team who shouted far too loud, All children who get riddles right and floor you with 'em flat, All ugly thieves who, offered rings, then tie you up like that, And all advisors who on shouting, "Side-step left!" insist, They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed! *He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed.* There's the banjo-serenader called Ridolfo by his mates, And th' inferior humourist - yes, Folly's on my list, And the dreadful Adam Battersby whom everybody hates, He never would be missed - he never would be missed! Then the idiot who praises with enthusiastic tone All dungeon quests but this and all advisors but his own, And the Series Seven tavern-wench who dresses like a tart, And who doesn't think too often, though perhaps she ought to start, And that singular anomaly the Knightmare novelist - I don't think he'd be missed - I'm sure he'd not be missed! *He's got him on the list - he's got him on the list; And he don't think he'll be missed - he's sure he'll not be missed.* And those monks - there's Cedric, Brother Strange and also Brother Mace Who's perenially pissed - I've got them on the list. That vain, depressed old gargoyle with its ever-changing face, It never would be missed - it never would be missed! And the ITV controllers who took Knightmare off our screens - Yes, let Chapman die for ruining so many people's teens - The Ice-Woman and Codsby and that faceless bore 'the Freeze', And 'armourtrons' and 'bugs' and anybody else you please Out of Virtually Impossible may go upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed! *You may put 'em on the list - you may put 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed.*

I heard the phrase "Mediaeval glory" on the local news a few days ago, and I like Never Ending Story by Limahl... so I wrote this. Wear the Helm Others help you see In this realm The Knightmares are your dreams Make believe the screens aren't blue The Fourth Wall standing high And read between the levels For the pathway to your Mediaeval glory (Aaah,aaah,aaah) Reach the doors Step beyond the stress Beat the flaws And you will win your quest Scrolls that keep their secrets Will unfold behind the screen And there upon the clipboards Are the waypoints to your Mediaeval glory (Aaah,aaah,aaah) Glory (Aaah,aaah,aaah) Show Lord Fear That you won't go astray In your hands The clues to light your way Scrolls that keep their secrets Will unfold behind the screen And there upon the clipboards Are the waypoints to your Mediaeval glory (Aaah,aaah,aaah) Mediaeval glory (Aaah,aaah,aaah...)

Based on a song called Into The Sunset, from the soundtrack album for the CITV cartoon, The Dreamstone. Original audio The stories we could tell Of chambers that we've been through You saved me with a spell The same as I did for you Don't let the causeway cause us to fall We must walk ahead, not crawl Into the dungeon once again, together Onwards through portals into black Into the dungeon we could quest forever There is no turning back The dangers that we face Are great if we let them be No magic could replace The strength of advisors three Don't let the wild blades tear us apart And don't let us lose our heart Into the dungeon once again, together Down through the levels into black Into the dungeon we could quest forever There is no turning back Into the dungeon once again, together Onwards through portals into black Into the dungeon we could quest forever There is no turning back

How about this song (based on Michael Caine by Madness) #Sung by Scarkill (excepts bits in brackets)# (I am Lord Fear) He's walking where I'm afraid I don't know I see the fright-knights jumping from the windows There's panic and I hear somebody scream (aaaah) I picks up useless dungeoneers And puts it in my irons I'm trying very hard to keep my fingers clean I can't remember tell me what's his name (My name is Lord Fear)

ok now i just have to figure out what all the tunes are....lol

Now that, I like! Oddly I have that album on right now!

http://www.knightmare.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=46&t=4531#p20964: Another daft one...ignore me Ignore who? Who said that? Anyway, I liked it - keep writing! This one is based on U.N.C.O.U.P.L.E.D., a song from the musical Starlight Express: We've been D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D We can't bring ourselves to say it. No Siree We were quieted but not knighted We're a Team without a dream We've been D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D Perhaps we dithered or kinda withered Maybe we shamed him Who could have blamed him If he thought us second-class Went in search kids who'd pass Went to find some who'd beat Level Three And we're just D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D Cos we couldn't tell Right from L.E.F.T People look and us and think, "There they go, that team who stink" They've been D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D And we're just D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D But we'll get our R.E.V.E.N.G.E He'll come crawling back one day And we'll turn to him and say Go away, T.R.E.G.U.A.R.D!

No worries, I know it wasn't!

Smirkenorff! Smirkenorff! Smirkenorff! I want to ride my... Smirkenorff! Smirkenorff! Smirkenorff! I want to ride thy Smirkenorff, I like to ride him now... I want to ride thy Smirkenorff, I like to ride him where I like You said, "Height," I said, "Flight," You said, "Fly," I said, "Glide" You said, "Fire," I said, "Wat-er! I wand to give him, DRAGON MINTS!" (I can't think of a lot more, this is from the single "Bicycle" from Queen) Not bad for my first-ever attempt!  

That was cool!

Coming next from me (probably): David Bowie's 'Ch-Ch-Changes' turned into.... 'Tr-Tr-Treguard'. I'll track down Mr. Bowie's lyrics and see whether a reworking would work. You be the judges... [Video of original] I still don't know what I was waiting for And my game was running wild A million dead-end quests Every time I thought I'd got it made It seemed the Team was not so sweet So I turned myself to face me But I've never caught a glimpse Of how the Watchers must see the faker I'm much too old to take that quest Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard (Turn and face the strain) Tr-tr-Treguard Don't want to be a losing man Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard (Turn and grace the screen) Tr-tr-Treguard Just gonna have to be a different man Tim may change me But I can't trace Tim I watch the backdrops change their size But never leave the screen Of blue impermanence and So the quests float through my eyes But still the quests seem the same And these children that you sit by As they try to challenge your world Are immune to your consultations They're quite aware of what they're going through Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard (Turn and face the strain) Tr-tr-Treguard Don't tell them to wake up and shout a bit Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard (Turn and grace the screen) Tr-tr-Treguard What's your name It’s up to you to inspect a bit Tim may change me But you can't trace Tim Strange fascination, captivating me Knightmares are taking the pace I'm going through Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard (Turn and face the strain) Tr-tr-Treguard Oh, look out you Fears 'n Mogdreds Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard (Turn and grace the screen) Tr-tr-Treguard Pretty soon we're gonna get another winner Tim may change me But I can't trace Tim I said that beards may change me But I won’t shave beards

Yeah, I finally recognised it when I woke up this morning. Anyway, here's one that doesn't appear to have been done before, and is probably overdue... *ENTER FRIGHTKNIGHT *(To the tune of *Enter Sandman *by Metallica) (Ooooh yeah. Let loose, Hands!) Say your prayers, little scum, Don't forget to run, For you're under my thumb. Dungeoneers are so weak, Grovelling and meek, And I hate every one. Come face me, eyes blindfolded, You're in my grip so tight. Exit, sight. Enter, frightknight. Touch that crown... And fireballs will take you down! It's the depths of the night, And the time is right, For havoc and slaughter. Skeletrons, behemoths, And the odd frightknight, Will kill for my laughter. Come face me, eyes blindfolded, You're in my grip so tight. Exit, sight. Enter, frightknight. Touch that shield... And fireballs will make you yield! Hush, little mortal, Say no more... Or I will hurl you through that door. It leads to Raptor's mire trog home. Where you'll be eaten, flesh and bone! Exit, sight. Enter, frightknight. Touch that cup... And fireballs will burn you up! Exit, sight. Enter, frightknight. The game is up... Exit, sight. Enter, frightknight. Touch that cup... And fireballs will burn you up!