Jester's Corner

Topical [image: Screenshot 2026-07-10 114123.png]

How to produce consistent sound effects, by whoever created the goblin horn noise in the Geek Week episode.

...before stepping onto a moving walkway, you can't stop yourself saying, "Spellcasting S-P-E-E-D!"

As the Dungeon returns for a new phase, the Powers that Be have a new leader: The knight who once tamed a wild bovine and founded the realm's finest inn, the Crazed Heifer, in its honour. Because of this deed, people started calling him Sir Bullock Settler, until he persuaded them to modify it to Sir Steer Calmer. Corbiss the Bemuser, as a long-lived mage who appears to draw power from outside, was one of the few denizens in a position to make the Dungeon form again. Having mislaid the arcane wisdom that once gave him true power, he resorts to a simplistic spell. But there are horrendous side-effects to the spellcasting of REFORM. Amid the Dungeon's general resurrection, an excess of magic is channelled to a small group of renegades deplored by the Powers that Be and tolerated by the Opposition. Their leader is... a coarse vagabond named Forage. In an attempt to sound widely influential yet anti-establishment, Forage asks to be known as Nudge-All the Disparager. Yet people keep calling him Forage, and pronouncing it to sound Norman, which infuriates him. Not that he and his brigade (the Reformed) are anything less than furious. They direct this fury at dungeoneers. It's obvious to most that the Knightmare Realm would not be what it is without dungeoneers, but not to The Reformed. So visceral is their hatred that they make Lord Fear look like Rothberry, so to speak. In his smug, insatiable hunger for influence, Forage sets out to incite every dungeoneer hater in the realm. To enchant these unsophisticated folk, he uses an unsophisticated incantation, attempting to conjure up a "Huge Ol' Riot". Instead, because of a concealed silver spoon impeding his speech, he summons Hugo Myatt. A firm, prolonged stare sends Forage scampering for shelter in the expensive property that we're not supposed to know he owns. Have Forage and the Reformed been subdued, or will they continue to be a blight on Treguard, Sir Steer and the realm?

Brangwen: Please don't rush to answer. Take your time; talk it over. You've got this. Frightknights in Series 5: Sorry, Lord Fear! We'll keep still and be quiet right away.

[Treguard has just met Team 4 of Series 8.] Treguard: How old are you, Michael? Michael: I'm fourteen. Treguard: Fourteen, right. Michael: And a half. Treguard: Fourteen and a half. Michael: Why did you repeat my age back to me? Treguard: I always do it... this series... for some reason. Michael: Do I look older? Younger? Is it remarkable to have dungeoneers of my age? Treguard: I... Michael: Do you have something witty to say about yourself at my age, like Gundrada the Sword Mistress a few years ago? Treguard: Er... Ben A: Do you want to know our ages? Treguard: No, I'm not remotely curious. Haydn: Are you going to tell us your age? Treguard: No. Ben S: Why? Treguard: Look, I'm sorry. I'm not having a good phase. They took my chair away and chopped it up for firewood and pencils, I have to do this weird oy-vey-c'est-la-vie pose whenever a dungeoneer dies and Hordriss had Sidriss redesign the life force meter. It's now a... Majida: Shh, don't say it. I cannot hear it. Ben A: I'm glad we ran in earlier instead of walking, saving valuable seconds for this discussion. Michael: Well as long as everyone gets a shot at a three-level quest, the knapsack works the same as it always has and you connect with the watchers at the end, it's all fine. [Treguard winces. Sidriss walks in holding a pie.] Sidriss: Life force! Get your life force! Majida: [Sighing] Put it in the pool. Treguard: When this phase is over, I'm going to get a new chair, put some do-not-disturb leaves in my hair and sit down until at least 2013. Michael: Thirteen.

The main opposition character, Mordred, warns dungeoneers about the light side of his nature: his alter ego Meglin.

Merlin says: "You will have to take the path without my help.... remember, others have done so and still survived." Merlin means: "You've blown it. You're now in losing status. However it would look really bad if i personally terminated a dungeoneer, so i'm gonna lie to you and give you false hope. The goblins can finish you off in a few minutes time."

Sorry, I couldn't resist... https://youtu.be/DJupt2Jwwac

I hope, for all our sakes, we never see this. Add accents as you see fit [Majida stands alone in the antechamber] Majida: Welcome watchers of illusion, to the castle of confusion. I’m very sorry watchers, but we’re having… staffing problems. Greybeard is unfortunately unavailable… [There is a sudden noise that sounds like muffled shouting. Majida continues] M:…but luckily you’ve got me! [She grabs the staff and taps in to the ground] M: Enter stranger! [A male dungeoneer appears. Majida leaps back] M: No, I don’t want a boy, send him back! Dungeoneer: But- [He vanishes, followed by some more muffed shouting. A new dungeoneer appears, a girl this time. The muffled shouting continues.] M: Better. What is your name? Dungeoneer: Ruby. M: Very strange name, but that's typical of humans. Now call your advisors. Ruby: Clara, Josh, Willow. [The advisors appear. Josh looks confused.] Josh: Can any of you hear someone – M: I can't hear anything. [The voice falls silent, like it’s been gagged. Majida picks up the quest items from a crumpled pile, almost as if they’d been thrown there during a struggle. She describes the items as she puts them on the dungeoneer.] M: This is your Knapsack. You put food in it, so you don’t starve. This is the Eyeshield. It allows your friends to see the path ahead, which they’ll need to, as you’ll be wearing the… [She stops. Her hands are empty. The Helmet of Justice is not there] M: Oh silly me, I must have left it in… the cupboard. [She slowly turns towards the cupboard. The shouting restarts, louder than ever. Majida suddenly turns away from it, a fixed smile on her face] M: But you don’t need to worry about that because you’re going in without it. R: But the rules say – M: Forget about the rules, Treguard just makes them up anyway. Besides, it will make it much easier, yes? I always say it’s too difficult. Go now. [She grabs Ruby and pushes her towards the dungeon entrance. But before she goes through, there’s a flash of red light and Hordriss appears, blocking the way] Hordriss: What are you thinking, genie? A dungeoneer can’t go into the dungeon without the Helmet of Justice! Especially not after last time! Go get it at once! [Majida looks from Hordriss to the cupboard to Hordriss again. She crosses her arms and pouts] M: Shan’t. H: Shan’t, what do you mean, shan’t? Some assistant you are! It’s in this cupboard isn’t it? [He goes to open the cupboard] M: No! [The cupboard is open, and a very familiar Dungeon Master falls out, tied up like a Christmas present (not literally, I wouldn’t put you through that again). Majida smiles sheepishly] M: Wow(!) What’s he doing in there? [All eyes on her. She disappears back to her bottle]

In honour of the forum's members totalling 888, the Teletext/Ceefax number for subtitles, here's the Knightmare clip with auto subtitles to beat them all. The Dungeoneer Encounters Two Strange Monks a.k.a. Series 5 Quest 1: Kathryn meets Brother Mace and Sylvester Hands in Wolfglade It happens within the first minute of the clip, just before Brother Mace laughs. You may laugh too.

[Harry walks on, passing a lookalike of the dungeoneer.] Harry: Why did you threaten her? Who are you, anyway? [He pulls off the Boatman's cowl, exposing his face.] Harry: Pat Sharp! Pat: Don't watch Knightmare, kids. Watch Fun House! It's wacky, it's fun, it's crazy, it's- Harry: Outrageous! [He pushes Pat over the side of the boat and storms off.] In a sketch in last night's 8 Out of 10 Cats does Countdown, Jimmy Carr animated a body under a sheet a la Dr. Frankenstein. When he took off the sheet, the body was revealed to be Pat Sharp. Sometimes, if you wait long enough, life imitates art.

Are you role playing or something dude?? I'm very lost here

I have the design of Dungeon O's all drawn out onto the computer. Hope Drassil could put this onto the website for me for everyone to see as it is a really cool and spooky design. Done in Paint as are all of my computer drawings.

Slog, Tarry, A. Boyd? New teams are given Quest 6 of Series 8 and must decide whether to make the effort to take on Level 2, linger on a specially extended Level 1 or repeat Dunstan & co's scandal. Hosted by the original Team 6 captain and short cut excuser Alan Boyd,* who repeatedly breaks the fourth wall to address the critics throwing themselves at it. *Hands that feed me. I bite them.

[Lord Fear has contacted Sylvester Hands via the Pool of Veracity. After a long wait...] Lord Fear: Hands... Hands. Yes, there you are. Unpolishable as ever. Sylvester Hands: Afternoon, yer lordship. 'Ang on, why aren't you calling me up on the vieswcr... the scriewvee... the big wall? Fear: I got the old pool back off Treguard. He had to get rid of it after Majida fell in while fishing out pencils and got burned by the aqua veritatis. It served its purpose. Hands: But it's so much smaller than the wall. Fear: In the world of technomagical viewing devices, smaller is better. Sadly for you, that doesn't apply to brains. I still have to keep adjusting the picture manually... [He makes the devil horn gesture and rotates it over the water] ...but one of these days I'll go hands-free. Pun intended. Hands: None taken. Fear: Right. Well that's as much chit-chat as I can bear, so down to business. Oh, by the way, we're speaking on an ultra-secure channel. You can never be too careful. Which is what I'd say if I invented a way to travel into the past and met your parents just before their wedding night. Heh, what a ridiculous fantasy. Your parents having a wedding night. They can't have done, because you're a bastard. Hands: It takes one to know one. Fear: Hands, your compliments have come on leaps and bounds. Well done. Now, I have a burning question for you. Hands: Cooked or raw? Fear: No. I've been watching your encounters with dungeoneers and other folk, and time and again you introduce yourself with that ridiculous "'ands, like feet, but up the other end of yer body" routine. Isn't it a mite pretentious? Why not just "Hello, I'm Sylvester"? Hands: It's so they don't get me mixed up with any other Sylvesters. Fear: There are no other Sylvesters. You are, thankfully, unique. Hands: Beggin' yer pardon, yer lordship, but how can you be so sure I ain't the only Sylvester? Fear: Because that's just the way it works. There wasn't a Sylvester, then there was you, and there will never be another. With so many other names to choose from, it just would not happen. Hands: But, yer lordship, I've been watching Brookside... Fear: Brookside? Oh yes, I forgot: your ironic interest in soaps. Hands: ...And Brookside's got two Jackies. Fear: I happen to know that they're spelt differently. One is Jackie, the other is Jacqui, q-u-i. Hands: I know I should. It leaks pus whenever I wink at Marta. Fear: Not "cure your eye", "q-u-i"! The point is, Brookside may have bent the rule but it didn't break it. There may yet be other imbecilic misfits in the Dungeon, other greasy-haired chamberpots on legs, but there will only be one Sylvester. Hands: The thing is, I've been havin' this recrur... recurdl... the same nightmare over and over, where a lost clown comes to the Dungeon, and 'e's stuck for a name, so 'e steals my name because it rhymes with jester. Fear: So does Lester. And Chester. He'd pick one of those. Or he'd think of something completely original. It wouldn't be hard. Good grief, I'm starting to feel like an agony aunt. And the agony's all mine. Let me sum up. It is absolutely ludicrously unthinkable that the Knightmare Dungeon will ever have another inhabitant by the name of Sylvester. And you can trust me on that. I know your brain has probably not been able to retain the golden rule that I AM ALWAYS RIGHT. Though I did order you to get it as a tattoo. Hands: I did. And when I saw your call coming in, I read it again as quick as I could. Fear: So that's why it took you an hour to pick up. Hands: Yeah, but it confused me, because why would I 'ave a tattoo telling me I'm always right if you're always right? Fear: Remind me to send you for a trip under the old lion's head to get that tattoo removed. Look, I obviously need to convince you otherwise you'll never let this go, so listen up. In the impossible event that another Sylvester ever makes an appearance, may my nose grow for having lied to you, like Pinocchio. Hands: Who? Fear: Sorry, I'll rephrase. Like Piconic... Pincocchi... like that wooden puppet from the fairy story. Hands: Ah. Gotcha. Fear: Wait. Dealing with you with an even bigger nose might kill me. There's still time for me to modify the spell slightly before it cast-locks. In the impossible event that another Sylvester ever makes an appearance, may my head grow. Not that I have to worry about it happening anyway, because... Hands: Because you are always... left. Fear: I'm always left to deal with the scum of the Underworld. Well, Hands, I must dash. Let's do lunch sometime. Hands: Really? Fear: Yes. In separate timezones. Dismissed.

Knightmare is actually spelled nightmare There is this and the any other riddles people solved.

Knightmare fans, please pledge Help keep Knightmare from the edge Of a naaasty ledge

(K)Nightmare In Silver (The actual Doctor Who episode referenced here was, believe it or not, directed by Stephen Woolfenden.) Haha, and it was filmed in one of the castles from KM Series 5, too!

warning do not talk to goblins