They would never say...
-
Mrs G alternative: Well, deary - I would threaten to set my Festus on you, but it turns out that at the beginning of the series, he had three heads; before my hubby bit one of them off. Then had two heads, but still the same three personalities and barking voice ranges. During the intermittant period of phase shift, my hubby got so fraught by the exploding dungeon that he bit the other off too. Now poor old Festus had one head, with the three personalities; so all I can say is look into the crystal ball; know that Festus-spirit will inhabit the to-be dead red dragon at the climax of S6 and return resurrected in S8 as Bal-Shebah, UNDERSTOOD!?
Good.. coz I didn't.
-
Series 3 Goblin: 'Well, actually, Julie - hey, hey, stop it, you guys, I'm trying to talk to the Dungeoneer - our skin gets pretty flaky, without natural light and a proper diet and what have you; so if you could get us some moisturiser - it doesn't have to be too fancy, just a decent-sized bottle from a reputable shop - that'd be great, and we wouldn't have to, like, kill you.'
Adviser: 'OK, Julie, tell the goblins you don't have any moisturiser, but would they like...'
[Treguard chews on his knuckles]
-
Hordriss: Yo yo yo Dungeoneer, like my new medallion? Dontcha think its totally bling. Now I is wantin u 2 bring me back a bit of crack.
Dungeoneer: Puts on helmet
Treguard: Now Majida, now!
Majida: Whacks him over the head
Dungeoneer wakes up to find himself on a slave ship
-
Treguard; "Now you are ready for your quest. That is if you dont want to change your mind now?"
Dungeoneer; "Erm, well, as you come to mention it, I do! I mean I just saw the last guy die, I thought he was gonna win, but now, I know have no chance at all! Sorry to waste your time!"
Treguard; "Err, right, erm yes, ok! Pickle, you'll just have to go instead!"
-
[Dungeoneer is sliced on the Corridor Of Blades]
Treguard: My gosh, one of the blades got him!
Pickle: He's bleeding quite badly, Master. Both halves.
Treguard: Oh *?@#! Pickle, get down to the Anglia TV Canteen - I believe the Friday serving lady did a First Aid course. Quickly!
Adviser [crying]: Is he gonna be OK?
Treguard: I don't know. I don't KNOW! [Lifts one arm of his chair, to reveal a phone handset. Dials.] Yes, Ambulance, please...
-
Series 8...
Treguard: Quiche force fading...!
-
Treguard: 'Enter, Stranger!'
Voice from behind wall: 'What, pass through a solid wall? I'm a prepubescent kid from Taunton! Magic's your department!'
-
Dungeoneer: I can see the cup that heals!
Treguard: Excellent team, now take it and exit through that door!
Dungeoneer: Hold on, I can also see the sword, the crown and a lost maid!
Treguard: Er, you just leave those for another dungeoneer.
Dungeoneer: Why? I may as well take them all.
Treguard: Well, er...you can only take two objects at a time...
Dungeoneer: No, it's alright, i can manage with all four of them. Even the maid...
(Treguard mutters under breath)
Later, with new team
Treguard: Well, team. You can choose your quest objects. You can search for the bucket that protects, the broom that sweeps, the...er...kitten that meows or...er...Pickle, just go off into the dungeon for a bit. Let the dungeoneers find you.
Pickle: But what if the dungeoneer gets killed before they reach me?
Treguard: Well, that's a risk you'll just have to take. Now, off with you you silly sprite.
-
Where am I?A: You're in a room and in the middle of the room there is a table. Can you see the table?
Yeah!A: Can you walk towards it please?
(Dungeoneer walks towards it. On reaching the table) Can you go around it to the other side please? (walks around it) What's on the table?
There's bar of gold, a key, a red gemstone and a loaf of bread!A: Put the bread in your knapsack
But I can't thoughA: Why not?
Cuz I'm on the Atkins Diet!(Different quest)
A: Infront of you on a small square table with a very large cup with ribbons on either side of it.
T: Not just any cup but the cup
A: Yes thee cup! Can you see it?
Yes!A: Can you walk towards it?
Yes! (walks towards the table) The ribbons appear the have something writton on them!A: Can you read what it says then?
Yes, they say Carling on them!... -
Treguard: Aaahhh its the sword pickle.
Pickle: THE sword master?
Treguard: Yes, the dungeoneers have recovered the sword from Lord Fear. Â I am now going to use it on my face.
Pickle: Master?!!
Treguard: Its Wilkinson sword pickle - I'm meeting a hooker tonight in the back of the Anglia studios, so I need to shave for first time in 20 years. Â I'm off to Marks and Sparks as well to get some new clothes - I'm sick of wearing this cloak all the time.
-
In the future there will be Knightmare.....
Ye Olde Treguard: Enter, Stranger
Martin: I'm no stranger its me Martin from S3 come for another go!
Ye Olde Treguard:Well I am a bit senile now so your all strangers
Martin: Arent you supposed to ask something?
Ye Olde Treguard: Erm Do you have any money?
Martin: No my name, which is Martin, and for me to call my advisor. advisors appear And here they are
Ye Olde Treguard: Ah, nevermind boys, you played well but the dungeon defeated you. spellcasting "D-I-S-S-M-I-S-S"
Advisors disappear
Martin: What the...? You old fool
Ye Olde Treguard: No I am afraid Merlin isnt here at the moment. Now if you could go then Pickle was about to give me a sponge bath!
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