Parody of Major-General's Song from Pirates of Penzance by G&S

Visage

(Oh dear, you should not have opened up the Gilbert and Sullivan vein....)

LORD FEAR: HOW DARE YOU HANDS!!!! You would question my abilities, ME, LORD FEAR, the maaan, the big stinking cheese of evil?

HANDS: But, well... your lordship... thing is... you've never actually caught one of those dungeon-thingies yourself....

SKARKILL: Yeah, your Fearship... err, Lordship, we all 'ave, and we think you don't appreciate what it's like...

LISSARD: Yesssnessss, itsssss not fairnesssss

LORD FEAR: IMBECILES! You don't seem to realise that I, Lord Fear, am a strategist. Whilst you lot traipse around the dungeon, I am here... planning...

MALDAME: That's all very well, but what do you actually know? Hidden away in your fortress all day, which incidently you stole from me.....

LORD FEAR: Know madam? Why everthing..... you might almost say.... I am the very model of a modern Techno-sorcerer....

(Music starts playing, Skarkill on bass chorus, Hands on Tenor chorus, Lissard on Alto chorus, Maldame on soprano chorus... LF steps to the front)

HANDS: 'Ere, 'e isn't going to sing is he?

LORD FEAR: Why, yes I am!

I.... am the very model of a modern Techo-Sorcerer,

I've information magical both technical and coarser-er,

I know the rules of Knightmare, and I quote the loopholes therein found,

From freezing all the dungeon plane to smashing troll kings through the ground.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters necromantical,

I understand enchantments, both the symbol and the canticle,

About my monster theorem I'll illuminate a lot of sights,

With many evil facts about the filthy lairs of cavernwights.

ALL:

With many evil facts about the filthy lairs of cavernwights

With many evil facts about the filthy lairs of cavern- cavern-wights.

LORD FEAR:

I'm very good at setting all the inter-level warding-glyphs;

I know the ancient writings and the Mogdred-Merlin conflict myths:

In short, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er,

I am the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer.

ALL:

In short, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er,

He is the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer.

LORD FEAR:

I know our dungeon's founding in the dark days of the Gruagach

I spy on all the dungeoneers and chase them with my great panache

I roast them all with fireballs and I chase them with my evil stare,

I even love to dress as Strange and catch them when they're unaware;

I can tell powerless poser from a mighty-shielded PALADIN,

I hire the dark assasins from the ancient court of Saladin,

I used the mighty flaming rage of schizophrenic Bhel-Shabah,

But I admit that crashing dragon left me with a nasty scar.

ALL:

But he admits that crashing dragon left him with a nasty scar.

LORD FEAR:

Then I can write a dungeon scroll in senseless baffling riddle-form,

And tell you ev'ry detail of a polished Frightknight's uniform:

In short, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er,

I am the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer.

ALL:

In short, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er,

He is the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer.

LORD FEAR:

In fact, when I know what's the threat from Heggaty and Majida,

When I can tell at once a pooka's wail from that of Elita,

When such affairs as meetings with my henchmen I'm more wary at,

And when I know in Mills of Doom who made that polyhedral bat,

When I have learnt what progress has been made in pools veracity,

When I know more of Treguard's power lock up in words 'Oh Nas-i-ty'--

In short, when I'm applauded for my evil by the world at large,

You'll say a better Techno-sorcerer has never been in charge.

ALL:

You'll say a better Techno-sorcerer has never been in charge.

LORD FEAR:

For my occult-laden knowledge, though I'm vicious and adventury,

Has only been brought down to my last cry on network ITV;

But still, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er,

I am the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer.

ALL:

But still, in matters magical both technical and coarser-er,

I am the very model of a modern Techo-sorcerer.

(Long embarrassed pause as they all realise what they've done)

LORD FEAR: All right, not a word! I don't want this getting out.....

(Far away, Treguard watches on his spyglass, and laughs)