Reality TV shows
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5:11, a dungeon resident pitches her idea for a new reality TV show:
It's Me Romahna The Dragon Warden - Get Me Out Of Here!
And I thought the "I'm A Celebrity..." title was unwieldy.
Other suggestions included Big Brother Mace, Come Die With Me, Dungeon's Got Talent, Heathen Idol, Dropstars (featuring Series 3 dungeoneer Simon), The Axe Factor (in which wannabe dungeoneers are judged by Simon Cowell and Morghanna), Smirkenorff & Bhal-Shebah's Flame Academy, Sir Hugh's Strictly Come Lancing, Aesandre's Walking Gracefully On Ice, and Lord Alan Fear's The Technosorcerer's Apprentice - "You're Fired!"
Not to mention West End talent searches such as How Do You Solve A Problem Like Lord Fear, Any Scheme Will Do (starring Lissard), and I'd Do Anything (starring Ridolfo).
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OK, after reading that list, I am convinved that we have a new David on the forum.
I dont know many reality TV shows... my sister watches The Hills. How about The Kills? And following on from The Hills, its successor - The City. And following on from The Kills... its successor, The Pity. See, it kind of works.
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Akash In The Attic. A succession of celebrities tries to persuade Dungeoneer 6 of Series 2 to come out of hiding in his loft.
Freaky Elitas. The cavern elf attempts to get dungeoneers to eat a more balanced diet.
Big Brother Silence. Majida is locked in a hovel with Brother Silence and ordered not to say a word on pain of death. Next week: Heggatty and the Samurai.
Albion's Got Talons. A panel of dragons shatters the dreams and sears the flesh of would-be performers. Then Gumboil's wife Susan comes along and changes everything.
Akash In The Adriatic. Fully rehabilitated, the former dungeoneer cruises round the Med on the Cloudwalker, taking aboard celebrity passengers and injecting them with truth serum to help him learn about life.
Back To Illusion. Former contestants and actors who never found fame beyond Knightmare are brought back to the Dungeon for a nostalgic yet tragicomic new phase of adventuring.
Mell's Kitchen. Mellisandre trains celebrities to be chefs, but she's really nice to them. When Ross comes on, she urges him to make curry.
Dungeon Master Chef. A blatant rip-off of Mell's Kitchen.
Snog, Marry, Avaunt? Matchmaking show involving the Dungeon's less obvious romantics, such as cavernwraiths and stormgeists.
How To Look Good Baked. A series of image consultants or whatever aims to improve the popularity of the Life Force Pie clock.
Celebrity Fate Club. Unpopular celebrities get to spin the Wheel of Fate; but what they don't know tee hee is that in whatever room they select, Grimwold is waiting to club them.
Poach Trip. Julius Scaramonger hunts deer while Gwendoline hunts him. Meanwhile, goblins are hunting Gwendoline. And Hordriss is hunting the goblins - disguised as a deer.
Knife Swap. Stiletta exchanges weapons with an assassin. Concurrent with Big Brother Silence.
Needle's About. People minding their own business get jabbed by Pixel but don't realise it's her.
Ten Fears Younger. The Opposition torments a contestant until science shows that a full decade has been scared off his/her life.
Scars In Their Eyes. Skarkill fulfils his fantasy of singing as Gabrielle.
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Grimaldine With Me. The wildly adored Series 7 character invites dinner guests to help him eat his five a day ("sometimes of the grape, always of the greens"), and tries ad libbing with his mouth full.
Time Turns, Team. Treguard and crew dig up relics of previous phases of adventuring.
How Mean Is Your House? The Opposition test the ruthlessness of their lairs on unwitting cleaning staff.
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One Born Very Minute. Behind the scenes at Goody Midwife's maternity ward for pixies. Recommended viewing on mute with subtitles.
I've Insobriety, Yet Miaow To Fear. The Dungeon's alcoholic denizens camp out in Fetlock Jungle (yes, it's been reclassified) and must perform animal impressions for the Opposition to earn ale.
One's Bored Every Minute. Hordriss tries to cure his round-the-clock ennui with poetry, makeovers, pranks and narcotics.
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Neddy Unsteady Cook: Cuthbert the Unsteady joins forces with the dashed fine steed to host a cookery show with a difference. Sadly this difference involves repeated and widespread food poisoning, and the series is axed. Neddy, humiliated, fakes his own death with the help of his most devoted fan: Treguard.
I Could Never Be Your Woman: Premake of There's Something About Miriam starring the future Mrs. Grimwold.
Flog Git: Lord Fear takes his most incompetent minions to an auction house to flog-as-in-sell them. If he fails, he flogs-as-in-whips them. After too many series, Lord Fear attempts to flog Neddy's 'corpse' (see above), prompting Treguard to intervene with a live horse warning. Then someone swaps the auctioneer's gavel with an Acme Persuader and it all gets a bit silly.
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The Only Way Is Airsick: Smirkenorff and S6 girl Peggatty compete to see which of them can make a passenger vomit first.
Its success leads to a celebrity special in which Dickon from Knightmare competes against our own Billy: The Only Way Is Hares/Hicks.
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The Chase: Starring the Automatum, an assassin, a goblin and Skarkill as the chasers.
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Tumble (To Your Death). Blindfolded contestants perform gymnastic and circus routines: some death-defying, some not so.
The Singer Takes A Fall. Performers stand on Mellisandre's trapdoor while the watchers judge their vocal talent or lack thereof.
Treguard's Sprite Is Right. Dungeoneers guess the value of various clue objects while Pickle constantly interrupts with his own predictions.
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Slog, Tarry, A. Boyd? New teams are given Quest 6 of Series 8 and must decide whether to make the effort to take on Level 2, linger on a specially extended Level 1 or repeat Dunstan & co's scandal. Hosted by the original Team 6 captain and short cut excuser Alan Boyd,* who repeatedly breaks the fourth wall to address the critics throwing themselves at it.
*Hands that feed me. I bite them. Talking of feeding...
The Great British Flake Off. Contestants have to bake pies, tarts, croissants etc. to feed Mary Rothberry as skin flakes away from her Life Force clock. Anyone who tries to get any mileage whatsoever out of the pun "soggy bottom" is instantly disqualified via fireball.
Time Turns, Team. Treguard and crew dig up relics of previous phases of adventuring.
I can't claim that this inspired David Rowe's current project but I'm pleased at the coincidence.
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Slog, Tarry, A. Boyd? New teams are given Quest 6 of Series 8 and must decide whether to make the effort to take on Level 2, linger on a specially extended Level 1 or repeat Dunstan & co's scandal. Hosted by the original Team 6 captain and short cut excuser Alan Boyd,* who repeatedly breaks the fourth wall to address the critics throwing themselves at it.
*Hands that feed me. I bite them.
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