Corbiss the Bemuser
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Meanwhile in Winteria, Queen Maesandre has bowed to the will of her people, who no longer want to be part of a united dungeon. To protect Winteria from invaders, a new border control is established in the form of Trial by Spikes from Series 7. This version contains over 49 spikes of ice and the queen activates the final one herself. As Maesandre triggers Icicle 50, her chilly kingdom looks to an uncertain future.
This includes a small settlement outside the main kingdom. Several Winterians, seeking warmer weather, live in the vicinity of a tavern known as the Gibbet and Altar. But the Opposition (which now seems to mean everybody outside Winteria) has a claim on the area. A retired Opposition henchman, Michael the Horrid, suggests that Maesandre and Lord Fear go to war over the Gibbet and Altar. Treguard remembers Michael the Horrid.
"He is rumoured to have something of the frightknight about him."
Corbiss the Bemuser misses all this, because he's busy sorting out free food for dungeoneers. Something to do with the scrapings from vats. He'd like to offer free milk too, but Lillith's been nicking it for years.
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[This really has to be one of the most enjoyable threads in the last few years so thankyou. I've ventured my own addition.]
Corbiss sighs as he contemplates the fact that over 5 times as few people would like him to lead the dungeon than Maesandre. Treguard ruminates that you just can't get the opposition these days...
Meanwhile, Dim Ferryman continues to try rallying his few supporters who were playthings of Sidriss back in the day - the litter all meddled cats. However not even dreadful jokes can save Dim and he cannot get any message across.
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[Thank you. Having an appreciative audience makes my quest to turn ire into satire all the more worthwhile.]
The Dim Ferryman seems destined to struggle. He wants silver or gold but has to make do with bronze. His prospects of leading the dungeon are so remote that some people are calling him Timothy the Faraway - or Tim Faroff.
Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser is advised to hold a conference to press his messages home. Tired of critics coming out of the proverbial woodwork, he decides he is safest with actual woodwork - and invites weeping doors. Among them are Dooris, Doorkis, Dooreen, Doora the Deplorer, Dumbledoor (see you in court, JK) and Doorien, a weather-beaten walk-in wardrobe door from west of Winteria (see you in court, CS). Not invited is Doorson: many are scarred by his pretentious whining when he opens up, and nobody wants any more Doorson's creak.
Corbiss begins the 'press conference' by reciting the calling:
"True or alternative, alternative or true
I'm here to discuss policy and won't perform a rhyming couplet just to satisfy the mainstream media"
Unfortunately, the doors were led to believe that all topics, not just policy, could be discussed. So their questions include:
"When united airwans dragged a dungeoneer off an overbooked dragon flight, you condemned the dungeoneer because he was too close to the right wing. True or alternative?"
"Vlad the Putrid must answer for the crimes of King Assadre of Winsyria. True or alternative?"
"You're not terribly popular, are you? True or alternative?"
Corbiss declines to answer and grows irritated with the doors' inquisitive natures. His ogre calls Doorien a snowflake. But before Corbiss departs, he makes sure to detail his policies. This leaves the doors so bereft of hope that they donate themselves to the mainstream media. Tomorrow's newsscrolls will make extra depressing reading.
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The Dunwold Thump is concerned that the dwarves living in the Mines of Gorea might start launching stalagmites. Unable to visit the mines himself due to its lack of cakes and beaches, he asks Ah Wok to offend and provoke Gorea on his behalf.
Meanwhile, Queen Maesandre has returned from a sidestepping holiday in Wales. It's given her time to think. She is keen to keep putting the "ice" in "isolationist", but fears that others might disrupt her plans. Although she is already queen, that is not enough. She reasons that because a small percentage of her people know what's good for them, they will vote her in as Winteria's prime minister and secure her leadership if given the chance. So she gives it to them by calling a snap election - so named because Snapper-Jack makes the announcement:
"Snipper snap, snipper snap,
Give the saboteurs a smack."
Maesandre promises a new ice age and a strong, stable future for her people - ice being the strongest, stablest substance known to exist. She rallies her supporters by conjuring up hoar-frost and holding a joyous frost fair. It is later referred to as "that hoary party".
Corbiss the Bemuser had been looking forward to spending time on his allotment and producing a new batch of pear and cabbage jam. But when Maesandre called the snap election, she also caused a cold snap that has ruined his fruit and veg. Unable to cultivate a cabbage or grow a pear, Corbiss decides he may as well fight for the leadership of Winteria himself and bring it firmly into the dungeon.
Corbiss launches his election campaign to a group of Knightmare advisors. As he talks of his ambition and morality, he seems to put them under his spell. It's later suspected that he did this by actually putting them under a spell. Ultimately, the advisors reject his offer to stand up for them because they don't really do standing up.
Maesandre grows even more confident of victory and starts thinking of expansion. She sends a cavern elf to Corbiss' allotment with a measuring stick, to help her plan a series of Trial by Icicle defences once she annexes it. Corbiss attempts to have a very nice conversation with the elf but she turns the air blue (Corbiss' least favourite colour) and goes back to her measurements. He'll have his work cut out taking down the ruling Elita.
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Once upon a time, there was a Norman eccentric named Beaujolais de Pfeffel - or Beaujeau for short. He joined the dungeon as a disciple of Lillith, inspired by her untamed hair in Series 1 Quest 2. Time passed and Beaujeau set his heart on a quest: seizing power in the Great Mire - which, as we know from Treguard, is as big as the United Kingdom (subject to change). Thwarted in his personal ambitions, he accepted a job with Maldamay as her court jester.
Keen to inject merriment into the Winterian election campaign, Beaujeau appears before Corbiss the Bemuser and quotes from Series 2 Quest 12, in which Mildread said to a red-clad visitor: "Mugwump! Lost, are you? Well, never mind. You don't look worth finding!" Corbiss is unamused and, deciding that Beaujeau should practise his diplomacy further afield, casts a spell that sends the jester tumbling between Knightmare's parallel realms.
On his travels, Beaujeau visits the Timebusters realm, where he writes falsehoods on the side of Buster the red bus. Later, he finds himself in a dimension where Corbiss is admired by all. This turns out to be the Virtually Impossible realm.
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There's an old comment that seems somehow relevant.
http://knightmare.com/forum/46/4460#p12820:
I can'ts keep up with all of this...
But it rolls relentlessly on. Queen Maesandre, eager to make plans for Winteria's impending isolation from the dungeons, requests a meeting with Treguard. He really can't be bothered. Instead, he asks one of the Normans to do it for him. His volunteer, Jean-Claude the Jongleur, arranges a meal at The Crazed Heifer to see if Maesandre gets the reference.
By some accounts, the meeting does not go well. Maesandre sits with a sword drawn, doesn't hear what is said to her and refers to mystical forces which will guide the outcome in her favour. For this, she is dubbed a "bladed deaf occult woman".
Maesandre is also criticised for chanting "strong and stable" over and over. She claims that she saw a drunken vagabond nearby, repeatedly falling onto and cracking the wooden surface in front of him, so she called for a "strong Hands table".
There's trouble in Corbiss the Bemuser's camp too. Diane the Abbess speaks with Wolfenden's town crier about Corbiss' plans to put more blockers in the dungeons, but she struggles to explain how much gold this will require. The humiliated abbess tries to hide out in a dwarvish village, but the locals tire of her and swing axes at her legs. Having worn out her welcome in Hack-Knee, Diane makes for her abbey, taking a short cut through a corridor (how dare she?). This turns out to be the old Hall of Spears. Diane shrieks for the spears to stop but one of them gets her in the shoe, tripping her up. "Sorry!" says Gumboil. "I mispoked."
At the end of a long day, Maesandre and Corbiss both take a recommendation from their advisors to reacquaint themselves with the history of the dungeons, by viewing magic mirror records of past quests. Maesandre watches Quest 3 of Series 3, in which a bright light goes off a cliff. Corbiss watches Quest 7 of Series 4, in which Jeremy gets laughed at before failing when he strays too far to the left. Shrugging at the irrelevance, they both retire. But not in a good way.
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The Dunwold Thump has a dilemma. He has always been happy for dungeon folk to use spyglasses on him. After all, what is the point in an ogre smashing things up if there's nobody to see it? However, he's heard that spyglass sorcery may soon be combined with magic mirror alchemy to create advanced spyglasses, affordable to even the most impoverished and health deprived villager, that can spy on the past. And if this happens, everybody will see that it was the Opposition that helped Thump beat the pillory and come to power.
Thump solves this by dismissing his Head of Spyglasses, Brother James of the Encomium. Clever old Thump.
To celebrate, the Dunwold has a pool installed. It turns out to be a Pool of Veracity, and Thump has no idea what veracity is. Looking at the instruction manuscript, Thump sees that the Pool can make hands bigger. This appeals greatly and he sticks his hand in.
Thump's giant fingers appear in the sky above Corbiss the Bemuser. Frowning, Corbiss insists there will be no hand holding.
Thump wonders what other appendages he can enlarge. He decides to lower his foot in. While this giant foot is puzzling to some, Corbiss knows how to respond. Borrowing a minecart from his supporters, he runs over it.
The minecart ends up in a wellway room. Corbiss finds a crone reading Queen Maesandre's scroll of proposals. He gives the crone his own scroll of proposals and waits for her response.
Throwing the tiresome documents to her hound, Mrs. Grimwold bellows: "Shuddup, manifestos!!"
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Maesandre is also criticised for chanting "strong and stable" over and over. She claims that she saw a drunken vagabond nearby, repeatedly falling onto and cracking the wooden surface in front of him, so she called for a "strong Hands table".
Despite our best efforts, truth is stranger than fiction.
Talking of fiction, Corbiss the Bemuser retrieves his scroll of proposals, though it's not immediately clear whether it's been through Festus or not. He presents it to Treguard, who also has Queen Maesandre's manifesto to read.
Concealed behind an arras, Corbiss listens to Treguard react to each scroll. To one, the Dungeon Master says, "Ooh!" To the other, he says, "Nasty!" Corbiss is sure that the second remark is about Maesandre, whose forebears are remembered for hosting a nasty party.
Later, the scroll is returned to Corbiss. On it, Treguard has written: 'For the nasty, not the ooh'.
Treguard turns his attention to other matters. He's been asked to investigate the Dunwold Thump, who is alleged to have shared dungeon secrets with the BBC. Thump's response is to emboss the words 'THIS IS A WITCH HUNT' onto his throne. This appals the Grey Sisters, who have memories of Thump trying to grab their familiars. Peggatty is dispatched to adjust the message on Thump's throne by burning off the 8th, 9th, 10th, 12th and 13th letters.
In need of some light relief, Treguard starts to read the Dim Ferryman's manifesto in the moments before the temporal disruption bell. "Hmm. He knows of the secret plant that Pickle grew behind Oakley. He wishes to make it lawful for all. Daisy! Do we still have that..."
BONG
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The Dunwold Thump has moved into an opulent new abode: the Covfefe of Confusion. It is built on dudgeon and deceit, which he alone has mastered. Rumour has it that everything is gold, even the showers.
Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser decides to attend a public meeting of those who hope to lead Winteria. Also there are Scuttle the jester, the Dim Ferryman and Mistress Caroline of the Pookas (she speaks for the greens).
Queen Maesandre herself is not there, put off by the prospect of warmth. In her place is a risk-taking member of Maesandre's personal coven (the Mae' Sisters) known as Amber the Gambler.
The meeting takes place in the Vale of Mogdred, under what is known as the game bridge. Sadly, Mogdred is not there to hear all the pledges.
Corbiss brings with him a shovel provided by his supporters in HOGG. It was last seen in Series 2, when it was mistaken for giant spoon and dubbed the Spoon of Interest. Watchers wait to see whether Corbiss will use it to make himself interesting or to dig himself a hole.
Following his decision not to have a biscuit before the meeting, Corbiss becomes hungry and delirious. As he listens to Amber the Gambler explaining Maesandre's pledge to put food in front of starving vagabonds at the beginning of each day - a "strong Hands table breakfast" - he has visions of a giant boiled egg. Moments later, after a supporter has restored Corbiss' Life Force with a crisp, he realises he has cracked Scuttle round the head with the Spoon of Interest. Scuttle is denied bandages on account of his opposition to face coverings.
The meeting gives Corbiss plenty to think about. He is most intrigued by Amber's talk of a magic money tree. Getting hold of one would increase his fortunes and improve his allotment at the same time. A former dungeoneer assures Corbiss he can provide not one but two such trees.
The following day, Corbiss is alarmed to find his allotment overrun with crazy rabbits and coins made of fool's gold. The former dungeoneer, Leo, has given him a bad money tree and a mad bunny tree. At least the rabbit multiplication will help Diane the Abbess with her numeracy.
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During a wander through Level 2, Corbiss the Bemuser finds a bowl of Uppers (as seen in Quest 6 of Series 4) near one of the exits. By blending them with his magic, he raises his support across Winteria and gains a new epithet.
Encouraged by the exit bowl, Corbiss the Enthuser coaxes Queen Maesandre out of hiding and invites her to concede the election. She refuses, insisting that she has been "very clear" (much like ice). After hearing this for the fifth time in a row, Corbiss becomes suspicious and casts a spell that his brother used in Quest 3 of Series 8. Maesandre is exposed as a reconstituted Bimboid.
The Maeboid flees Winteria, careering through a field of wheat and diving into the Forest of Freneville. Later, a group of forest owls is found strung up by icicles. While everybody is fretting over this hung parliament, the real Maesandre seeks refuge in the Rift of Angar (also referred to as the Rift of Anger, or the Ire Land) with a coven known by its enemies as the Dungeon's Unpleasantest People. Watchers wait to learn the nature of a Swiftly Organised Farcical Union with this Coven of the Dungeon's Unpleasantest People - though the abbreviation may give a clue.
Winteria, meanwhile, is in disarray. Its election had no win and everybody is tearier. Corbiss hands round homemade plainberry jam sandwiches and waits to see what is required of him.
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Corbiss the Enthuser is invited to visit a worthy farmer to exchange tips on growing vegetables. While there, he encounters an early morning gathering of peasants listening to troubadours, drinking spring water and breaking up an ice-like sculpture of Maesandre, with nothing left but a digit from her foot. Corbiss decides to speak to this "glass toe" crowd.
As Corbiss talks, the peasants become intoxicated. This may be because their water turned into wine. The rapt audience begins to chant: "Oh, generous Corbiss". When he departs, several trail after him.
Corbiss goes to the local village, where he passes through its one and only marketplace. Some of the worthy farmer's lettuces are on sale, and look delicious, but Corbiss wishes to press on and get a morning meal. Three of Corbiss' hungover followers, who can't stomach a hearty breakfast, ask for romaine in the single market for a soft breakfast. Corbiss dismisses them. They trudge back to the worthy farm for a traditional pick-me-up: relieving themselves in its quicksand.
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Corbiss the Bemuser is under fire. A while ago, he discovered that many former Knightmare adventurers have debts resulting from their applications, travel, lodgings etc. Corbiss yearned to reach across the divide between dimensions - he can walk on water so how hard can it be? - and, after chronicling all the debt in a scroll, he promised to "take care of" it.
When the debts do not disappear, Corbiss is questioned. He presents the scroll, which he has brushed clean. He declares that he "took hair off it".
Puzzled by the outrage this provokes, Corbiss decides to try charming the former dungeoneers and advisors on their home plane. Whilst there, he becomes the star of a Channel 4 game show in which, as a bearded man, he mires himself in red and offers deals without anything much actually happening.
Not to be outdone by his brother, Hordriss joins the BBC. He takes over The One Show, installing Craig Revel Horwood as host and making him change the 'Horwood' to 'Anti'. Marta, who accompanied Hordriss, spends her time ordering fish in the canteen and creating a series of 'Oneness' idents. Nothing suspicious about that.
Back in the Dungeon Dimension, Corbiss' right-hand ogre and financier has been tasked with making Corbiss better known in the New World. The ogre hopes to find common ground with the Dunwold Thump but comes up against Thump's new Head of Spyglasses, Anthony Scaramonger. Losing a duel of insults to Scaramonger and his mucky doggerel, the ogre withdraws to prepare for future conflicts, taking the name 'Muck Doggerel' as his own.
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Ridolfo, an old friend of Corbiss the Bemuser's, has become unpopular. With increasingly lewd lyrics and discordant singing, the Venetian troubadour is causing widespread offence. Corbiss is urged to condemn him, but seems reluctant to criticise the Venice wailer.
Meanwhile, the Dunwold Thump appears to have embraced his new servant Anthony Skaramonger (alternative spelling), awarding him a nickname: The Mun. It turns out that this is to make it easier for Thump to dispel him. Some allege that this was foreshadowed in his full name, which contains the letters AKASH RAM.
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Corbiss learns that Gretel has been having secret meetings across the Mireworld. She'd travelled there on the quiet, using a cart on a track system built by Atlantean miners. Having learned of this "Hiss Rail" trip, Corbiss orders Gretel - OK, asks Gretel very nicely - to return and explain herself.
Across the Dungeon Dimension, spyglasses are used to watch Gretel's dragon flight. Shortly before Corbiss dismisses her, the misguided maid tells him that she was simply trying to get a range of people to answer her question: "Do you think I'm Priti?"
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Corbiss the Bemuser has won admirers among the Queen Greystagg's Grey Sisters. For the latest edition of their regular chronicle, QG, they invite Corbiss to be their "coven star".
Corbiss and his entourage reportedly find the whole experience quite perplexing, displaying little in the way of good humour when faced with Heggatty's interview technique (which seems to involve repeated allegations that Corbiss is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous). Desperate to appeal to the disenchanted, Corbiss resorts to a joke about getting rid of his beard, leading to the headline 'Wit: shaven'.
Maldamay, meanwhile, is trying to deal with the Dunwold Thump. Three encounters with a talking raven from Albion Foremost have aggravated a pre-existing sickness and Thump is spewing poison from every orifice. He sends his own talking raven to squawk at Maldamay and to insist that the New World is doing just fine (as a fellow ogre stomps around outside his citadel with a loaded club).
Unwilling to waste time on Thump's raven, Maldamay withdraws to her neighbouring palace (which, in honour of a newly arrived dignitary, has been renamed Marklehead), giving only a distant irritated throat noise on behalf of the realm. The raven conveys this message to Thump: far cough.
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Corbiss the Bemuser is confronted at his allotment by the Norman inquisitor André Cauchemarr. There are awkward questions about when Corbiss stopped accepting gold from the Opposition to appear in its spyglass communications channel, known as Fear One. Corbiss responds by planting dragon's teeth and withdrawing in the ensuing alarm over a toothquake. They turn out to be false teeth.
Meanwhile, in a break from taunting the Mines of Gorea's "Stalagmite Man" over the size of his reach wand, the Dunwold Thump agrees to be interviewed too. His questioner, Morgan the Pious, starts with some easy true-or-false questions from Series 4 but gets only rants about how much the ogre hates falsehoods. Giving in, Morgan offers Thump a colonoscopy with his head.
Few people have noticed that within the Opposition is a growing threat rooted in centuries past. Unless Maldamay or Corbiss can stop this arcane power, all may have to look upon Moggrees and tremulate...
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In Series 3, a gargoyle asked a dungeoneer:
"On Salisbury Plain long years ago
Men raised a ring of standing stones
Stonehenge it's called, but where is found
The largest ring on English ground?"
According to legend, the men got hungry after raising the stones but didn't know what to do about it - so someone came along and opened a restaurant. Long years later and the restaurant, Zlissgath's, comes under scrutiny when two of its diners fall victim to poison.
The evidence leads to an Opposition-backed alliance of weeping doors and assassins, or 'Rassins' for short. The poison used is identified as Nolicrup, a reformulated wood preserver used only by Rassins. Winteria, the Mireworld and other lands dismiss dozens of Rassins. The talking quicksand of Banburn (which retains the voice of Gavin) bluntly tells the doors to shut up and the assassins to "GO AWAY!"
Corbiss the Bemuser, meanwhile, decides to give the Rassins the benefit of the doubt. He rides to Marblehead, clad in a silver crash helmet, to present the Opposition with a sample of the poison for them to conduct tests on with their usual openness and honesty.
As Corbriss returns, an image of him is caught by a spyglass, transmitted to a crystal ball and shared in a magic mirror by Elvan-Davis, bringer of news to knights. This image is understandably a tad distorted, but to Corbiss' acolytes it appears that the image has been deliberately tampered with to make his helmet look dented like Lord Fear's. There is uproar. Several trolls, typically emboldened by Corbiss, threaten to stage a naked protest wearing only hats.
For Corbiss, there is more to come. He is reminded that years ago, when a Level 2 wall monster was bricked up for spouting anti-elf rhetoric, he opposed the bricking up of this mural monstrosity. Corbiss replies that he didn't listen closely to the wall, even though it had a pretty loud echo. His supporters try to argue that the wall wasn't really being anti-elf: perhaps it was being anti-shelf.
Amidst deep concern from the elves, Corbiss hears that Medusa on Level 3 has been making anti-elf remarks and hurries off to face her. On the way, he is accidentally sat on by one of the larger trolls who is tired from protesting and wants to rest on the grass. While Corbiss extricates himself, he has time to consider whether Avebury is still the largest ring on English ground.
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Corbiss the Bemuser has spent an evening with elves. But it was a rogue group known as Elfire, distrusted for their denouncement of other elvish people as non-elves and their assertion that Elvandis should be "ironed out". Corbiss can't see what all the fuss is about. They even let him wear his hat.
Treguard, meanwhile, is trying to make his mind up about the Rassins. He doesn't know what to make of doors in general. One day he's a man keenly aware of their absence ("there's no door there, team"), the next he can't see when they are ludicrously overabundant (no comment that Series 7 episodes had one set of doors opening at the beginning and a different set closing at the end).
When Corbiss insists that the Knightmare lands have been too hasty in dismissing the Rassins and that relations should be restored urgently, Treguard gives in and attempts the unthinkable: he dispels DISMISS.
Instead of the Rassins being recalled, every dismissed Knightmare contestant is summoned back to the dungeon. En route, several are merged. For example, two dungeoneers from Series 2 and Series 7 become Akash Ram Barry, who is worshipped for everything he does while being mired in poor judgement and dogged by bad advice. He and Corbiss get on famously.
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Corbiss the Bemuser has been inspired by a performance from his favourite troupe of troubadours, the Absurd Lute Boys. As a show of power, he tries to banish the white from his hair. But despite having Hordriss as a brother, he can't seem to turn his barnet red.
Even using a handheld staff to focus on one patch of hair, Corbiss is unable to change a wand's worth. Rival mage Abel the Vincible, now confident enough to change his name back to Sir Vincent the Capable, has a chuckle at Corbiss' expense.
The Bemuser's acolytes continue hoping for the day when his glory will be conveyed by a lush, scarlet mane, but for some reason they are wary of communicating this dream. It's as if they don't trust the manes dream media.
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Igneous becomes more and more outspoken. He claims he is still under the influence of the TRUTH spell cast on him in Series 2 but this does not lessen the offence he is causing. Corbiss the Bemuser is urged to act and, though he is fond of the wall monster's redness, he finally responds by turning Igneous into causeway blocks, hanging in the air. In other words, he suspends living stone.
The living stone has finally dropped out of sight. Corbiss the Bemuser consoles himself by proposing a fayre for all his followers: Corbicon.
The planning begins. Muck Doggerel suggests that as well as music, speeches and plainberry toasties, Corbicon could include games. The Series 3 die-rolling is out - it's already been claimed by Rubicon - so they go for combat chess. However, the bishop is unavailable because he is in the middle of a yearlong sermon about love being powerful. (Remember in Series 4 Quest 2 when the spell ADORE was followed by the spell SLOW? It's a bit like that.) Instead they offer combat backgammon. Unfortunately, many of Corbiss' acolytes hear "gammon" and refuse to come.
Corbiss isn't worried though. Diane the Abbess has been counting the ticket sales and assures him they've sold over three million.
And yet Corbiss' own niece Sidriss hasn't bought one. She also turned down a free one. On a visit to swipe some of her Brain Pills, Corbiss asks Sidriss why. She replies that she will only be seen at the classiest conventions. Corbiss, who mishears her, assures her that Corbicon will most certainly be classist.
The outlook worsens. Only one speaker agrees to be involved, but he won't travel. That speaker is the talking bird from Series 3, also known as Corvid the Accuser.
Corbicon ends up being a handful of people in a dingy Level 2 room with bird poo down the sides - Corbiss, who is oblivious to foulness on walls, doesn't notice - listening to a large crow repeatedly ask Corbiss a rhetorical question about the identity of a stupid boy. The event is hailed as a triumph.
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