[Script] Family Special
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TITLE SEQUENCE: After the Notmare logo the words ‘Family Special’ appear.
The team in this episode is made up of a family of four. MUM is the dungeonaut. The advisors are DAD, their son CHILD 1 and his younger brother CHILD 2.
Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
The dungeonaut enters a CAVE scene. FRANCIS stands in the middle of the room, playing a violin. An exit is in the middle of the back wall.
MUM
(Shouting:)
What sort of room is this then?
Scene 2 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber
DAD
Jesus Janine, there's no need to shout, you have a microphone!
Scene 3 Shot 1: Mid-shot of child 1 and Dad
CHILD 1
Ok Mum, you're in a sort of cave…
DAD
Sort of? Is it a cave or isn't it?
CHILD 1
Yes dad, it is.
DAD
Well say that then. Carry on.
Scene 4 Shot 1: Closeup of Child 1
CHILD 1
You're in a cave. There’s an exit at the back. In the middle there’s a man holding a violin.
Scene 5 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake
Scene 5 Shot 2: Wide shot of dungeon
TREBAKE
Tread very carefully team for this is Francis the Frenzied Fiddler. Banished to the dungeon long ago for crimes unknown, he wanders these level two caves fiddling with himself all day long. Driven insane with loneliness, he is now as mad as he is musical, and his mood can change from jolly to violent without warning. The last thing your mother wants is to be on the receiving end of his fiddling stick.
Scene 6 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
MUM
Oh, I dunno, it’s been a while since I was on the receiving end of a fiddling stick.
Scene 7 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
Janine, this is not the time…
(OV) CHILD 2
Are we nearly in level three yet?
DAD
Shut up, Will.
Scene 8 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Francis
Scene 9 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
FRANCIS
Halt, trespasser! Who dares walk in on my fiddling without so much as a knock on the door.
MUM
Hello Mr Fiddler, I’m Janine. I’m on a quest for the missing sock.
FRANCIS
Ah, I do like a nice sock – the perfect fiddling companion. Listen carefully Janine; I will ask you three questions. Answer two correctly and you may pass. Answer three correctly and I will gift you a spell to aid you in your quest. But get two questions wrong and…
(points bow menacingly at dungeonaut and suddenly becomes incredibly aggressive)
Scene 10 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Francis
FRANCIS
…YOU’LL BE FIDDLED LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN FIDDLED BEFORE!!
Scene 11 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
DAD
(To his sons:)
Ok lads, let's have a little competition. The first one of you to say the correct answer to each question gets an extra £5 pocket money this month - to be paid for by the loser’s pocket money. Brace yourselves! (Rubs hands in glee).
Scene 12 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Francis
FRANCIS
Your first question is on literature. What was the name of Long John Silver’s parrot?
Scene 13 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
CHILD 1
Captain Flint!
DAD
Well done Henry. That's £5 you owe him Will!
CHILD 2
That's not fair! I only get 50p a week!
DAD
Shut up Will! Don't whinge, you lost fair and square. If you're quicker you can win it back on the next question.
(To screen:)
Give the answer dear.
Scene 14 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Francis
MUM
Captain Flint (as a pirate:) me hearties! Hee!
FRANCIS
Truism acknowledged! Right, the second question tests your knowledge of Science. Which chemical element has an atomic weight of 158.92525 and boils at a temperature of 3503 kelvin?
Scene 15 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
CHILD 2
Erbium?
DAD
Nope!
CHILD 1
Terbium.
DAD
Correct! That’s £10 Will owes you!
CHILD 2
But I was nearly right!
Scene 16 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
Nearly?! One of the most pathetic words in the English language. ‘Nearly’ doesn't get you anywhere. Nobody remembers ‘nearly’. The devil’s in the detail Will, how many times do I have to tell you?
(To screen:)
Give the answer dear.
Scene 17 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
MUM
What is it again?
Scene 18 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
Terbium. (Looks at Will:) With a T.
Scene 19 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Francis
MUM
Ter-bee-um.
FRANCIS
Truism acknowledged! Finally, Geography. What is the capital of Morocco?
Scene 20 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
DAD
Another easy one! Will, why don't you handle this? Show your brother you do know something.
CHILD 2
I’m bored – I want to play a game.
Scene 21 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
WE ARE PLAYING A FUCKING GAME! Now what’s the bloody capital of Morocco?
Scene 22 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
CHILD 2
Er…Rabat?
DAD
Are you joking? Jesus, you're less than useless. Henry, tell him the correct answer.
CHILD 1
I think it is Rabat.
DAD
What? No! Don't they teach you anything in school? The capital of Morocco is Marrakesh.
Scene 23 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
MUM
Actually darling, the capital of Morocco is Rabat.
Scene 24 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
I think you’ll find it's Marrakesh dear.
Scene 25 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
MUM
No honey, the French administration moved the capital from Marrakesh to Rabat after they invaded in 1912.
Scene 26 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
(Humouring his wife:)
Well ok - on your head be it honeybun.
Scene 27 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Francis
MUM
Excuse me Mr Fiddler, the answer is Rabat.
FRANCIS
My my, we have a genius in the dungeon! Truism acknowledged!
Scene 28 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
Dad scowls
Scene 29 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Francis
FRANCIS
Three out of three! You have certainly earned some magic Janine.
MUM
Yay! (Claps her hands)
Scene 30 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
Wait a minute.
Scene 31 Shot 1: Wide shot of Antechamber
(Addressing Trebake:)
Could we have a couple more questions please?
TREBAKE
Excuse me?
DAD
Those questions were too easy. My boys are extremely bright and I want them to be stretched.
TREBAKE
Er, well there aren't any more questions…
DAD
Oh for god's sake, no wonder standards are slipping.
Scene 32 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
(Addressing his sons:)
Ok, I’ll ask you some. Er…Right, translate the following: Barba tenus sapientes.
Scene 33 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
Blank looks from both boys.
DAD
Neither of you? Come on, it's Latin.
CHILD 1
We don't do Latin in school dad.
DAD
Excuses! You could have worked out the etymology from your knowledge of other languages. The answer was ‘wise as far as his beard.’
Scene 34 Shot 1: Mid shot of children
Child 1 rolls his eyes.
CHILD 2
Are we nearly in level three yet?
Scene 35 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
TREBAKE
Ok, well perhaps now we can…
Scene 36 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
DAD
I haven't finished! What is…351 multiplied by the square root of 42,523,441?
CHILD 1
We'd need a calculator to do that.
DAD
‘Need a calculator’. Is that what Einstein said?
Scene 37 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
‘Oh dear, I can't come up with the theory of relativity because I don't have a calculator.’ Fine - you got that question wrong too.
Scene 38 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
CHILD 2
What's the answer then?
DAD
The answer is…not important. What's important is that you didn't know it!
Scene 39 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Francis
FRANCIS
Okay, now for your spell.
FRANCIS removes a scroll from his tunic.
FRANCIS
It is written on this scroll…
INT. TREBAKE’S ANTECHAMBER - DAY
DAD
No, no, no. Don't give us the spell.
Scene 40 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
DAD
They don't deserve it.
CHILD 2
But Dad…
DAD
Shut up Will! Three out of five questions is 60%. And what would a 60% average in your school exams mean Henry?
HENRY
(Miserably:)
No summer holiday this year.
Scene 41 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
Exactly! So no spell please.
Scene 42 Shot 1: Closeup of Child 1
CHILD 1
If we don't get the spell we’ll probably be killed soon.
Scene 43 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
Well you should have thought about that before not knowing things! It’ll give you something to think about on the long car journey home.
Scene 44 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
MUM
(Standing and waving scroll:)
It's alright, I've got it!
Scene 45 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
Janine, you…you give that back immediately! The boys have to learn…
Scene 46 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
MUM
Oh don't be such a stick in the mud Brian. It's only a game.
Scene 47 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
(Incensed:)
ONLY a game?!
Scene 48 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
MUM
Well, isn't it? Now come on, let's go to the next room - where's the pot hole thingy?
Scene 49 Shot 1: Closeup of Dad
DAD
Janine, I wish you wouldn't constantly undermine my authority…
MUM
Oh, shut up Brian!
Dad shuts up, scolded and indignant.
Scene 50 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
Scene 50 Shot 2: Wide shot of dungeon
CHILD 1
(Smirking:)
Ok Mum. Sidestep to your left. And again. One more. Now walk forward.
Portal whoosh.
CUT TO BLACK.
CHILD 2
(Voiceover:)
Are we nearly in level 3 yet?
DAD
(Voiceover:)
Shut up Will!
END.
B-roll: Entire antechamber scene and dungeon scenes in wide angle
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Updated to newer version of script.
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