Scripts

Newer version of script.

Updated to newer version of script.

Fuuuuuuckin ell. Sorry all, I copied an old version (from a few years ago) of the script over. I've put the new one in its place.

Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon <DUNGEONAUT> walks into a village marketplace scene. Two stalls are prominent. On the left the monk BROTHER TUCKER is selling various magical artefacts. On the right the arrogant Scotsman JOCK COCKY is selling more obviously practical items. The two stalls face one another, with a gap inbetween. <DUNGEONAUT> Where is this? Scene 2 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber ADVISOR 1 You're in some kind of market. There are two stalls - one with a monk and one with what looks like a Scottish man. TREBAKE Ah, you're in luck team; it's market day in Bell End. You might be able to pick up something useful here but choose your purchase wisely. Scene 3 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon BROTHER TUCKER (Calling to <Dungeonaut>:) Ah, hello there young man. You look like someone with an eye for a bargain. What is your name? <DUNGEONAUT> <Dungeonaut> BROTHER TUCKER Well <Dungeonaut>, why don't you come over and peruse my wares? Scene 4 Shot 1: Mid shot of Jock and Tucker JOCK COCKY (To <Dungeonaut>:) Doont ye listen to that Brother Tucker, he's away wi' the fairies. There's nothing in his bottles and jars but hoot air. BROTHER TUCKER The only place round here where there's nothing but hot air is underneath your kilt Jock Cocky. JOCK COCKY Ha! That's rich coming from a monk who wouldn' ken a woman from a wombat! BROTHER TUCKER For your information I was once quite popular with the ladies. JOCK COCKY Ach aye? Sexy lil Brother Tucker was ye? BROTHER TUCKER I had my moments - before I was touched by a higher authority in the church (raises his hands and looks to the sky). JOCK COCKY Aye, ah've heard that sort of thing goes on in the church. Scene 5 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon BROTHER TUCKER (To <Dungeonaut>:) You know, I often find it difficult to understand a word that Jock Cocky is saying - thank heavens for small mercies. Scene 6 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber TREBAKE These two merchants may have very different styles but each is as likely as the other to be selling something that could aid you in your quest. Make your choice and approach. Scene 7 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors Scene 7 Shot 2: Wide shot of dungeon ADVISOR 1 What do you think - the monk might be a bit more trustworthy? The other two advisors nod. ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) Side step to the left <Dungeonaut>. And again. Ok walk forward. <Dungeonaut> walks up to Brother Tucker's stall. Scene 8 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Tucker BROTHER TUCKER Welcome, welcome! Let me show you today's specials. Scene 9 Shot 1: Closeup of stall We see a close up of Brother Tucker's stall. There is something that looks very much like the Reach Wand but is curved like a banana, a small vial of liquid and a monkey's paw. Brother Tucker picks up the curved wand. Scene 10 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Tucker BROTHER TUCKER This here is a special type of magical wand known as a Reach Around. If you wield one you'll be able to see around corners and through doors. Have you ever had a Reach Around before <Dungeonaut>? <DUNGEONAUT> No BROTHER TUCKER Oh, very handy, very handy. Brother Tucker puts down the wand and picks up the vial. BROTHER TUCKER Now this is holy water. As I'm sure you know it can be very effective against the undead - though God forbid you ever encounter any <Dungeonaut>. Brother Tucker puts down the vial and picks up the monkey's paw. BROTHER TUCKER Ah, now this is extremely powerful and must be used with the utmost care. Touch your enemy with this monkey's paw and they will be cursed to die a horrible death within seven days. May it never happen to you <Dungeonaut>, for 'tis a terrible fate to be fingered by a monkey (he puts down the paw). Well young sir, is there anything here you might be interested in purchasing? Scene 11 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Remember what Wally the Jester said - "the undead guard the wellway"? We should buy the holy water. ADVISOR 2 Yeah, absolutely. Advisor 3 nods. ADVISOR 1 <Dungeonaut>, tell him you'd like to buy the holy water. Scene 12 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Tucker <DUNGEONAUT> I'd like the holy water please. BROTHER TUCKER An excellent choice! An enemy of the undead is a friend of God. May I now be vulgar and ask how much money you have? <DUNGEONAUT> A gold bar. Scene 13 Shot 1: Closeup of gold bar We SEE a close up of the gold bar in <Dungeonaut>'s hand. It is actually a Mcvities Gold Bar biscuit. Scene 14 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Tucker BROTHER TUCKER What a coincidence! The holy water costs exactly one gold bar. However, there is a small issue. The holy water will wound a member of the undead but won't kill it. Therefore if you don't have an appropriate weapon - a silver arrow or suchlike - you will only succeed in angering the abomination, which would make matters far worse for yourself. Have you such a weapon? <DUNGEONAUT> No. BROTHER TUCKER Oh, then I'm afraid my friend that for your own safety I cannot sell you the holy water. However, a Reach Around also costs one gold bar if I can interest you...? Scene 15 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 1 What do you reckon guys? ADVISOR 3 I think we should check out the other stall before we make a decision. ADVISOR 1 Yeah, good idea. Ok, <Dungeonaut>... Scene 16 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) ...Turn 180 degrees around <Dungeonaut> turns right. ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) And walk forward until you see the other stall. BROTHER TUCKER Do come back if you change your mind. <Dungeonaut> walks over to and stops in front of Jock's stall. Scene 17 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Jock JOCK COCKY Ha! Ah knew that silly Brother Tucker wouldn't have anything for ye. But ah almoost certainly will. Scene 18 Shot 1: Closeup of Jock's stall We see a close up of the top of Jock Cocky's stall. There is a length of wire, a silver arrow and a curved horn. Scene 19 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Jock JOCK COCKY Now ah'm a simple man so all ma items cost one gold bar apiece. Jock picks up the length of wire. JOCK COCKY This here is a garrotte. Ye can use it to strangle yer enemies. The tricky thing is thoo, that yer have to creep up on them from behind. Have you ever taken anyone from behind <Dungeonaut>? <DUNGEONAUT> No. JOCK COCKY Ah, well in that case this might not be ideal for ye. Best used by experienced hands. Jock puts down the wire and picks up the arrow. JOCK COCKY This is a silver arrow. Most effective against the undead - as long as ye can disable them first with a bit of holy water or soomthing a'course. JOCK puts down the arrow and picks up the horn. JOCK COCKY And this wee beauty is a genuine goblin horn. It's a belter when it comes to scaring off some a the dungeon's wilder inhabitants. On the downside it does tend to attract goblins... Jock puts the horn back on the stall. JOCK COCKY So then, for the measly sum of one gold bar ah can give ye the horn, give ye a shaft or help ye to give something a right old choke. What's it to be? Scene 20 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 2 Shall we get the arrow then? ADVISOR 1 But he said we need the holy water too. I think we need both...but we only have one gold bar... um... Scene 21 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE Your life force won't last forever team. Action is required. Scene 22 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 3 What about the spell? ADVISOR 2 It's the only other thing we have... ADVISOR 1 Yeah alright, go for it. ADVISOR 2 SPELLING! D-E-V-O Scene 23 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon ADVISOR 2 (Voiceover:) L-V-E The letters appear on screen as they are spoken. We hear the tinkle of spell activation. Jock Cocky immediately starts acting like a chimpanzee, running around in circles and pant-hooting. He picks up the horn, tries to eat it and tosses it aside in disgust. He then does a 'monkey walk' off screen. BROTHER TUCKER (Watching Jock Cocky leave:) That highland fling is a strange old dance isn't it? Scene 24 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake TREBAKE (Laughing:) Well done team, you correctly deduced that the Scotsman would be susceptible to a process of devolution. Scene 25 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) Ok <Dungeonaut>, take the silver arrow. Now turn left and walk forward back to the monk's stall. <Dungeonaut> does as directed. BROTHER TUCKER Hello again. I'm guessing you'd like the holy water now? <DUNGEONAUT> Yes please. Scene 26 Shot 1: Over the shoulder shot of Tucker BROTHER TUCKER Here you go (he gives <Dungeonaut> the vial). That will be one gold bar please (<Dungeonaut> gives him the bar). Thank you sir! It's normally at this point in the transaction that I'd say 'please call again'. However, I know that you dungeonauts - like people wishing to preserve precious holiday memories - never go back. Good luck to you though young <Dungeonaut> and may the lord be with you. <DUNGEONAUT> Thank you. Scene 27 Shot 1: Mid shot of Advisors ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) Ok, sidestep to your right. And again. And again. Ok, walk forward. Scene 28 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon <Dungeonaut> moves to the centre of the scene between the two stalls and starts to walk forward. Cut to: Sight Shield sequence. Because the shield has two eyes the view is through a binoculars shaped 'window'. We track through the village past huts and antiquated farming equipment. At one point a young couple wearing backpacks and pushing a buggy walk in and out of shot. We go around a corner and see a rectangular black portal. We move closer and closer to the portal until the screen is filled with its blackness and then...we hear a thump and the black rectangular piece of cardboard falls flat to the ground. Cut to black. Portal whoosh sound. End.

Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon <DUNGEONAUT> enters a room through a door in the middle of the left hand wall. The only exit is on the middle of the right hand wall. The central section of the floor (a width of four flagstones) is missing from front to back, creating a large pit. On the right of the pit, in line with the doors, a single flagstone extends over the void. <DUNGEONAUT> Where is this? Scene 2 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber ADVISOR 1 You're in a room with a large section of the floor missing - it's actually quite a large pit with no obvious way of crossing. Scene 3 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE Ah, welcome to the pit of Nilrem; it is rumoured to be bottomless. I personally have my doubts but you should probably take steps to ensure <Dungeonaut> never finds out. Scene 4 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Ok, so do you think we have to use the three steps we've been given? ADVISOR 2 Yeah, they probably complete the bridge so it goes across to that other square. Scene 5 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors Scene 5 Shot 2: Wide shot of antechamber ADVISOR 1 Ok <Dungeonaut>, we're going to guide you up to the edge of the pit. So take two steps forward. Ok...can you shuffle forward slowly until I say stop? Stop. <Dungeonaut> follows these directions and is now standing at the edge of the pit opposite the square which extends over the void. Scene 6 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Ok, the first step is the two finger salute. <Dungeonaut>, I can't remember if you were ever in the cubs but do you want to do that salute? Scene 7 Shot 1: Closeup of dungeonaut <Dungeonaut> enthusiastically gives the v sign to all corners of the room. Scene 8 Shot 1: Closeup of dungeonaut ADVISOR 2 I guess he wasn't in the cubs. ADVISOR 1 Um...do you want to try that again <Dungeonaut> but do a more military style salute? Scene 9 Shot 1: Closeup of dungeonaut <DUNGEONAUT> Oh right, sorry. <Dungeonaut> gives the correct two finger salute. A flagstone appears on the left side of the pit shortening the gap across the void. Scene 10 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Ok, that worked! Take one step forward. (<Dungeonaut> moves onto the next flagstone) ADVISOR 1 Ok, so the second step is the dog. <Dungeonaut>, can you do an impression of a dog? <DUNGEONAUT> (OVERVOICE) Like what? ADVISOR 1 I don't know, just act out something the way a dog would do it. Scene 11 Shot 1: Closeup of dungeonaut <Dungeonaut> acts out the doggy style sexual position. Scene 12 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 1 ADVISOR 1 Er...tell you what, just bark or something. Scene 13 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon <DUNGEONAUT> Oh right, sorry. <Dungeonaut> barks. Another flagstone appears, shortening the gap over the bridge. ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) Ok, take one step forward. (<Dungeonaut> moves into the next flagstone) Scene 14 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon ADVISOR 1 Right, we're nearly there. The third step is the windmill. (Sotto voce; to other advisors:) Hopefully not many ways to interpret this. (Normally, to <Dungeonaut>:) <Dungeonaut> can you act out a windmill..? Scene 15 Shot 1: Closeup of dungeonaut <Dungeonaut> unzips his fly. It is implied that he pulls out his penis. SOUND FX: A whooshing/humming sound as if a length of rope is being swung round. Scene 15 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors The advisors stare at the screen open mouthed. Scene 16 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake Trebake stares at the screen open mouthed. Scene 17 Shot 1: Studio mid-shot Behind the scenes crew in the studio stare open mouthed. SOUND FX END. Scene 18 Shot 1: Closeup of Dungeonaut <Dungeonaut> zips up his fly. <DUNGEONAUT> Did that work? ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) Er...no. Do you want to try windmilling your arms? <DUNGEONAUT> Oh right, sorry. <Dungeonaut> windmills his arms. The final flagstone appears completing the bridge. Scene 19 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Ok <Dungeonaut>, the bridge is now complete and the exit is directly in front of you...so you can just beat it. (Pause) The three advisors suddenly groan and turn away from the screen/cover their eyes in disgust. ADVISOR 1 Oh, for God's sake... CUT TO BLACK. End.

Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The dungeonaut Freddy enters a room with six doors - two on each of the visible walls. However, the projected image is not the final illustration but rather a black and white preliminary sketch. Someone's handwriting labels each door with the next room: acid pit, instant death, evil wizard, short cut, impossible causeway, fiery hell. In addition to these notes someone has doodled on the drawing as follows: Between the two doors on the left wall is a classic graffiti cock and balls (it is just a bit smaller than the doors) - though this one has been given a face and arms. Droplets have been drawn coming from its head. In between the doors on the rear wall is a primitive doodle of a topless woman (a stick figure but with long hair, very large boobs and a skirt). In between the doors on the right wall is a mobile number alongside the name ‘Stallion Stanley’. In the middle of the room is a table, on it there is a scroll and three chained up boxes. DUNGEONAUT Where is this? ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) You're in a room with six doors. On the left wall is a tall, thin man; I think he’s kneeling down. On the back wall is a barbarian carrying two big shields. There’s also some graffiti on the walls. In the middle of the room is a table; it looks like there’re some boxes on it. Scene 2 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Scene 2 Shot 2: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE Well now, this is most unusual. Never before have I seen such strange wall markings in the dungeon. One wonders how they got there. (Looking accusingly at Gerkin:) Any ideas Gerkin? Scene 3 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin Scene 3 Shot 2: Midshot of Gerkin with Advisors watching GERKIN 'Tis a mystery both profound and perplexing master. It's worth investigating them team - perhaps they contain useful information. Scene 4 Shot 1: Midshot of Gerkin and Trebake TREBAKE Oh, I doubt it - they look like the scribblings of a more… primitive intelligence. Gerkin glares at Trebake. Scene 5 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon ADVISOR 1 Freddy, can you walk forward to the table? INT. SIX DOOR ROOM - DAY The dungeonaut does as directed. DUNGEONAUT Ok, there's a scroll and three boxes. Each box is chained up and there are a number of different combination locks. Scene 6 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 2 ADVISOR 2 Can you read the scroll please Freddy? Scene 7 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The dungeonaut has the scroll unfurled. DUNGEONAUT (Reading:) There is only one safe path from this chamber. To find it you must solve a series of clues, each more fiendish than the last. Clue number one: The Battle of Agincourt. Scene 8 Shot 1: Midshot of Trebake and advisors TREBAKE (Rubbing his hands together:) Well, this sounds like an intricate and exceptionally well designed puzzle. Er, by which I mean to say devious in the extreme. How's your history team? Later clues will touch on other subjects. Er, I imagine. ADVISOR 1 So we probably need the date of that battle to open the first lock. Do you know? The other advisors shake their heads. Scene 9 Shot 1: Midshot of Gerkin and Trebake GERKIN Perhaps the wall markings could be of some assistance team. TREBAKE Oh, I really don't think… GERKIN Maybe that ‘thin man’ knows the answer? Trebake glares at Gerkin. Scene 10 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 1 Scene 10 Shot 2: Wide shot of dungeon ADVISOR 1 Ok Freddy, turn left. And walk forward. Stop. Scene 11 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The dungeonaut is now standing in front of the cock and balls. ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) Freddy, try talking to the man. DUNGEONAUT Hello. Do you know the date of the battle of Agincourt? Linger for a moment on shot of dungeonaut standing in front of the cock. There is obviously no response. Scene 12 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber TREBAKE I really don't think you should waste any more time… GERKIN The man seems to be crying master - look how the salty tears flood from his face. If you cheer him up team, perhaps he will give you the answer… Scene 13 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake and advisors TREBAKE (Angry:) Enough! The team turn to Trebake, taken aback. TREBAKE (Recovering:) I mean, er, life force fading team. (Pleading/whining:) Can you really not remember when the battle of Agincourt took place? Scene 14 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber GERKIN Ooh, is that a number on the right hand wall team? TREBAKE Gerkin! ADVISOR 3 Oh yeah - there is a number. It looks quite long though… ADVISOR 1 Freddy can you turn around and walk back to the table please. Scene 15 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The dungeonaut returns to the table. ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) How many numbers do we need to open the first lock? DUNGEONAUT Three. Scene 16 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Hmm, that number’s too long. ADVISOR 2 Let's make a note of it though - it might come in handy later. ADVISOR 3 Yeah and that name ‘Stallion Stanley’ - that could be a password or something. Scene 17 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin and Trebake GERKIN Do you know who Stallion Stanley is master? TREBAKE No, and I don't want to. GERKIN (Sotto voce:) You don't know what you're missing. Scene 18 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Ok, I think we’re just going to have to pick a door. Scene 19 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE (Frustrated:) Good heavens team, the battle of Agincourt took place on the 25th October 1415! Scene 20 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin over Trebake's shoulder GERKIN That was…unusually helpful of you master. Scene 21 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake over Gerkin's shoulder TREBAKE (Slightly embarrassed:) Yes, well, given that there are a whole series of these fiendish clues a little help on the first one is only fair. Ahem. After all, we want young Freddy to take the correct door don't we? Scene 22 Shot 1: Gerkin over Trebake's shoulder GERKIN Oh we certainly do master. And actually, it looks like each door is labelled - that's not just graffiti team. Scene 23 Shot 1: Midshot of Trebake and Gerkin TREBAKE Oh we can't trust… GERKIN In fact I think they're all very, very clearly labelled with the room they lead to. TREBAKE Oh are they now? GERKIN Yes - I don't think the team will have to bother with the boxes at all! TREBAKE (Sarcastically:) Oh good. Scene 24 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Oh yeah, that door says ‘acid pit’. Scene 25 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin over heads of advisors GERKIN Well that sounds incredibly dangerous. And ‘instant death’ sounds like one to be avoided too. Scene 26 Shot 1: Mid shot of Advisors ADVISOR 2 (Pointing at screen:) Yeah ok…so not ‘evil wizard’, not ‘impossible causeway’… ADVISOR 1 Which leaves us with a choice between ‘short cut’ and ‘fiery hell’… Ok Freddy, we think we know which door to take. We’re going to guide you to one marked ‘short cut’. Scene 27 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin GERKIN An excellent choice team! The dungeon has a number of secret short cuts - if you're lucky perhaps Stallion Stanley will take you up the back passage. Trebake clips Gerkin around the ear. Scene 28 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) Ok, turn left Freddy. Walk forward. The dungeonaut moves as directed. INT. TREBAKE’S ANTECHAMBER - DAY The advisors continue to guide the dungeonaut in the background. Scene 29 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin and Trebake GERKIN It's sort of a shame isn't master? Someone probably spent a lot of time putting that puzzle together - all those boxes and clues and codes… TREBAKE (Jaw clenched:) Yes, well… GERKIN For all we know they could have spent most of their weekend on it. And as it turns out, it was all a complete and utter waste of time! TREBAKE (Staring straight ahead, barely audible:) Uh-huh. Gerkin gives a hideous smirk. Scene 30 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) …and walk forward. The dungeonaut walks to the short cut door and disappears. Portal whoosh. FADE TO BLACK. END.

Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Dungeonaut: Where is this? Scene 2 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Advisor 1: You're in a plain room with a table directly in front of you. There are some things on the table. Can you walk forwards and tell us what you see? Scene 3 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon <Dungeonaut does so> Scene 4 Shot 1: Closeup of table Dungeoneer (VO): There's a post-it note, a pair of glasses, a frozen ready-meal, a key, a gold bar, and a credit card. Scene 6 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Gerkin: A choice chamber, master! Trebake: Yes, indeed, Gerkin. Well done team. As Gerkin has said, this is a choice chamber where you must make....choices. Choose wisely as once you leave this chamber, there is no putting things back. Advisor 1: I suppose the frozen ready meal counts as food? Advisor 2: I think so. John, put the frozen ready meal in your bum sack. Scene 7 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The dungeoneer does so Scene 8 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors Advisor 1: John, can you look at the credit card, please? Scene 9 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Dungeoneer: Okay. It appears to be a Tesco credit card belonging to someone called Randal Vadir. Scene 10 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin Gerkin suddenly freezes. Gerkin instinctively (and subtly) checks his back pocket, then starts looking around the floor. Scene 11 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Trebake: Maybe you should read the scroll, team. Scrolls often give clues and advice that can help. Advisor 3: John, can you read the post-it note? Scene 12 Shot 1: WIde shot of dungeon Dungeoneer: Okay. It says: Money isn't always real. The PIN is 7136 Scene 13 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake and Gerkin Gerkin (annoyed): Hey! Trebake (to Gerkin): Yes, Gerkin? Gerkin (agitated): I-... nothing. Scene 14 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors Scene 14 Shot 2: Closeup of Trebake Advisor 2: John, can you look at the glasses? Trebake: Ahh, these are spy glasses team. With them, we can gain some insight into what Lord Wrath is up to. To use them, just put them onto your sight shield. Scene 15 Shot 1: Closeup of dungeonaut The dungeonaut puts the glasses "on" the sight shield We then cut to a spy glasses sequence. This is made up from a number of ugly "cuts", clearly from when someone was testing the camera Scene 16 Shot 1: Hand-held zooming in and out, adjusting focus etc. In a first shot, we see Lord Wrath getting a touch-up on his makeup. In a second shot, Lord Wrath is stretching is mouth and doing various vocal exercises. We also see Gerkin, out of costume. Gerkin: So I told him to get lost and that was the last I heard of it. Lord Wrath (not really interested, but talking out of politeness): Uh huh. So how are the current team? Gerkin: Ugh, can't wait for them to be killed off. Bunch of bell-ends, the lot of them. Did you hear they didn't even know a pentagon has five sides? Scene 17 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Cut to Gerkin, while the sequence continues in the background Gerkin (thinking fast): Wow, it appears to be my...Mexican cousin...Jalapeno. He's a bit fiery that one. What's he doing, talking to Lord Wrath? Scene 18 Shot 1: Hand-held zooming in and out, adjusting focus etc. Lord Wrath (talking to someone off-camera): Righty ho. And then we'll cut to Jason? In a third shot, Lord Wrath is clearly practicing his lines and talking to himself. Lord Wrath: Nine Seven (changing tone) Seven? No (changing tone again) Seven. Three. Thrrrrreeeee. Now then Now then. No, no, not like him. God not like him. NOW THEN I think it's about time...And then I do the - Oh it appears that someone is spying on us and you know how I much I hate. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE BEING SPIED UPON, don't you? DON'T YOU? And then... Lord Wrath glares, much as a three year old might. Scene 19 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 3 Advisor 3: Drop the glasses, John! Scene 20 Shot 1: Closeup of Dungeonaut The Dungeonaut drops the glasses Scene 21 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Gerkin is clearly holding a mobile phone, though he's trying to hide it. Every so often, he listens. Trebake (a bit confused): Well, uhhh, some valuable...information there, team. Advisor 2: Okay, what should we take? Advsior 1: Hmmm, not sure. Gerkin: I think you should leave the credit card. It sounds like dark magic to me. Scene 22 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake Trebake: Ignore him team. Though John might want to choose quickly. These kind of chambers don't stay empty for long. Scene 23 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors Advisor 1: What do you guys think? Advisor 3: I think definitely the key. Maybe also the gold? Advisor 1: But the scroll said not to take the gold. Advisor 2: It said money isn't always real. Advisor 1: Yeah, like a credit card. It isn't real money. Advisor 3: John, what do you think? Scene 24 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Dungeoneer: I think the credit card and the key. Scene 25 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors Advisor 3: Go on then. Advisor 1: John, take the credit card and the key. Gerkin (OV, quietly, into phone): Oh, hi, I'd like to cancel my credit card please. Scene 26 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Advisor 1: Okay, turn to your right. Gerkin (Quietly, into phone): Yes, my name is Randal Vadir. I think someone has stolen my credit card. Advisor 1: And walk forwards. Portal woosh

A ‘drunk Merlin’ scene was mentioned at some point. Here’s my attempt at writing one. Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The dungeonaut Paul enters a room with bookcases around the walls, a throne and two doors. DUNGEONAUT Where is this? Scene 2 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber ADVISOR 1 You're in what looks like some kind of study. There's a throne in the middle of the room and two doors - one on the rear wall and one on the right wall. Scene 3 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE Ah, welcome to the dungeon’s throne room. The powerful mage who resides here could provide valuable assistance - if you appease him by rising to his challenge of course. However, there doesn't appear to be anyone at home… Scene 4 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Shall we try to summon help using the incantation Labya the Naturist gave us? ADVISOR 3 Yeah, good idea. ADVISOR 2 Ok. (Reading:) Sands of gold and fields of green Guide our path to level three Scene 5 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon MERLOT the Magician leaps into the room. He looks dishevelled and is holding a bottle of red wine. He is very drunk, slurring his words and unsteady on his feet. MERLOT Well huzzah! It is I… ADVISOR 2 (Voiceover:) Waters of the blue lagoon. MERLOT Oh you're still going (walks back off screen). Scene 6 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 2 ADVISOR 2 Help us find the holy spoon. Scene 7 Shot 1: Wideshot of dungeon Merlot leaps back into the room. MERLOT Alacabamba! It is I… Scene 8 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 2 ADVISOR 2 Robin swift and red of breast. Scene 9 Shot 1: Wideshot of dungeon MERLOT Oh you're joking me. I'm just gonna stand here (stands in corner of room). ADVISOR 2 (VO): Come and aid us in our quest. MERLOT (Pregnant pause) Is it me now? You sure? There's not another line about a … river of piss or a meadow of…pubes? No? Good! Well, bing bang bollocks, it is I - Merlot the magician! And I do magic and shit. Whoopsie, language! Sorry Susan! Have you met the producer person, the delectabubble Susan? I think she's smashin… As he talks Merlot sits on the arms of the throne. The chair falls over and Merlot topples backwards. He drops his bottle. MERLOT My wine! Scene 10 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE (Through nervous laughter:) Our sorcerer friend may act the fool but do not be deceived for he has the potential to become a powerful ally. Scene 11 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon With some difficulty Merlot picks himself up before carrying on as if nothing happened. His wig is now slightly askew. MERLOT So… who are you then? DUNGEONAUT Paul Scene 12 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the shoulder of dungeonaut MERLOT Ah, Paul, Paul, the piper’s son, kissed the girls and… pulled out a plum! So what are you doing here in my…whatever they've made this look like? DUNGEONAUT I'm on a quest for the holy spoon and I need to find the path to level three. MERLOT (Sotto voce:) Jesus what a pile of wank. (Normally:) Ok! Ok, sorry, sorry. Well Phil, here's how it's gonna go down. You must answer a thing and then I'll say some stuff. Alrighty? DUNGEONAUT Yes. MERLOT OK…oooookaaaayyy…what is…I've got this…what…is the….biggest…fish…in the…pond? Scene 13 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake Shot of Trebake looking puzzled/confused. Scene 14 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 3 How about the Russian Taimen trout? They can grow almost seven feet long and weigh up to 230 pounds. ADVISOR 1 Yeah but aren't they more of a river fish? I was thinking maybe the Nile Perch. ADVISOR 2 Well sure, they're big but they’re extremely aggressive hunters - not sure they live in ponds. ADVISOR 1 Actually, I think you’ll find they can be found in lakes, rivers, streams AND ponds throughout the Ethiopian region of Africa, the Mediterranean region, the Nile delta and the Congo Basin. ADVISOR 2 Ok, if you're sure. ADVISOR 1 Yeah, pretty sure. Paul, say the Nile Perch. Scene 15 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the dungeonaut's shoulder DUNGEONAUT The Nile Perch. MERLOT (Pause) Yeah, if you like. So! Here's a little ditty which contains (exaggerated stage whisper:) valuable information. (Clears throat). (Singing:) Ooh I'm Keith the little octopus and I live beneath the waves…I've got eight arms and I've got…one head and I'm very, very brave. I live next door to Barry the lobster who goes snip snap with his… things… in fact, he’s a bit of a cunt. Scene 16 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors Shot of advisors looking shocked. Scene 17 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE (Through forced laughter:) Haha, what a delightful old children's classic! They, er, don't write them like that anymore! (Grins inanely). Scene 18 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the dungeonaut's shoulder MERLOT Right then Pete, now I've scratched your balls will you scratch mine? DUNGEONAUT What shall I say? MERLOT You wha’? Who you talking to? Oh right, yeah. Scene 19 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors ADVISOR 2 What do you guys think? ADVISOR 3 Well, just thinking about the challengers’ code - good is often found on the right hand side. So maybe we should scratch his right ball but not his left? Scene 20 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake Shot of Trebake in squinty eyed bemusement. Scene 21 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 2 (addressing Advisor 1:) Hmm. What do you reckon - do you think his left testicle could be evil? ADVISOR 1 Er…well to be honest I assumed he was speaking metaphorically. ADVISOR 2 Oh ok, yeah. Paul, tell him you’ll do it but only metaphorically. Scene 22 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the shoulder of dungeonaut DUNGEONAUT I will scratch your balls metaphorically. MERLOT Thanks pal. Can you close your eyes real tight for me? Merlot takes the helmet off Paul, turns it upside down and vomits copiously inside. MERLOT Ah, that is fucking Tetley. Cheers mate. Scene 23 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Merlot makes to put the helmet back on Paul’s head. The floor manager runs on. FLOOR MANAGER No you don't! The two wrestle with the helmet which falls to the ground. Merlot then punches the floor manager who falls down unconscious. Merlot starts dancing round in a boxing stance. MERLOT Come on then you bastards! A lady wearing a headset walks onto set. SUSAN THE PRODUCER Sshh…Come on now, calm down. MERLOT Susan! Scene 24 Shot 1: Closeup of Susan over Merlot's shoulder SUSAN THE PRODUCER Calm down. Shhh. Would you Iike a bar snack? Scene 25 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over Susan's shoulder MERLOT What sort of bar snack? Scene 26 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Susan holds up a packet of Scampi Fries. SUSAN THE PRODUCER Ooh look what Susan’s got! Scampi Fries! You want some? Yeah? Come on then! Good boy! That's it! Susan shakes the packet and backs off screen. Merlot follows eagerly. Paul is left standing helmetless beside the body of the floor manager. Two other crew members come in and carry the body off. One crew member then returns and picks up the helmet of faith. CREW MEMBER (Wincing:) Jesus! He carries the helmet off. A few moments later he returns with a large brown paper bag which he places over Paul’s head. He leaves. Scene 27 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake Trebake gets handed a piece of paper from someone off screen. TREBAKE (Reading:) Er, time out imminent team. Scene 28 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Shot of Paul standing alone with a bag on his head. A bell tolls for time out. MERLOT (Voiceover:) Last orders! Mine’s a pint! Scene 28 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Shot of the advisors pointing at the screen. FREEZE FRAME. The bell tolls a second time. MERLOT (Voiceover:) Bloody hell, give us a chance! CUT TO BLACK. END.

Scene 1 Shot 1: Midshot of Trebake and Gerkin over shoudlers of advisors Trebake is on his feet, standing over the team. Gerkin is next to him. Everyone is very excited. TREBAKE You have the cup Andrew! Now get it back to the antechamber and your quest will be complete! Scene 2 Shot 1: Midshot of dungeonaut Dramatic rights free library music plays. The dungeonaut races through a tunnel (i.e. runs on the spot while the scenery moves past). In his right hand he carries a teacup. SOUND FX: A party horn blows. Scene 3 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin GERKIN Goblins master! Come to put an end to Andrew’s quest at the very last! Scene 4 Shot 1: Midshot of Gobins We see two dagger-wielding goblins scuttling through the tunnel. Under their hoods they are wearing rubber politician masks (Trump And May if we’re being topical). Scene 5 Shot 1: Hand-held midshot of Gerkin Gerkin beckons to and directly addresses the camera. GERKIN This way Andrew! Run! Scene 6 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber The dungeonaut runs into the antechamber, straight into Gerkin’s arms. Gerkin seizes the opportunity to give him a long, lingering hug and a bit of a bottom grope. GERKIN You did it Andrew, you did it! Scene 7 Shot 1: Midshot of Trebake Gerkin/Dungeonaut TREBAKE (Prising Gerkin away:) Yes, thank you Gerkin. Well done Andrew, a most impressive achievement! You no longer require this. Trebake removes the Helmet of Faith. TREBAKE And now that you can see with your own eyes we may relieve you of this burden also. Trebake removes the Sight Shield. GERKIN Let me help you with the bum sack. Gerkin stands directly in front of the dungeonaut and puts his hands around their waist, undoing the bum sack fastening. Scene 8 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin/Dungeonaut GERKIN Your celebratory dinner will best be enjoyed…(Gerkin pauses and stares into the dungeonaut’s eyes)…orally. Gerkin fiddles with the fastening during an awkward, lingering moment. TREBAKE (OV) Ahem! Gerkin, the prize please. Scene 9 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber GERKIN Oh, with pleasure master! Gerkin leaves, taking the bum sack with him. Scene 10 Shot 1: Midshot of Trebake TREBAKE Well team, you can be extremely proud of yourselves. You have done what many have attempted but few have managed. You may now call yourselves knights of the Notmare realm. Andrew, let me take your prized quest object, which you so valiantly retrieved from the clutches of Lord Wrath, and place it with the others upon the altar of victory. Scene 11 Shot 1: Closeup shot of crap Trebake takes the teacup from the dungeonaut and puts it on a table filled with unimpressive, random objects including a toy car, a stick of chalk and a slinky. Scene 12 Shot 1: Midshot of Gerkin/Trebake Gerkin returns carrying a single papier-mâché statuette. It is supposed to be some kind of knight but is hideously deformed; it looks like it was made by a small child. TREBAKE Ah, time for the prize-giving. You may do the honours Gerkin. Scene 13 Shot 1: Closeup shot of Frightening Knight GERKIN (He knows how shit the prize is and milks the following exchange with glee:) Behold! The Frightening Knight - a symbol of your victory over the dungeon! Scene 14 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin/Advisor 1 ADVISOR 1 Is that it?! GERKIN Indeed it is. Awe-inspiring isn't it? ADVISOR 1 Er, thanks but you can keep it. GERKIN Oh, I know you may not feel worthy, but you have earned it team. You are champions! Gerkin gives the trophy to advisor 1 who regards it with disdain. Scene 15 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin/Advisor 2 ADVISOR 2 Where’s mine? GERKIN There is only one, for not only do you get the mashed paper statue of knighthood, you also receive the gift of sharing - arguably the greatest gift of all! Scene 16 Shot 1: Mid shot of Advisor 1/Advisor 2, which pans to include Advisor 3 ADVISOR 1 (Addressing advisor 2:) You can have it if you want. Advisor 1 gives the trophy to advisor 2. Advisor 2 looks at it for a moment and gives it to advisor 3. Advisor 3 looks at it for a moment before dropping it on the floor. Scene 17 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors, Gerkin and Trebake TREBAKE Well, congratulations team! GERKIN Yes, congratulations! Gerkin, ever the opportunist, kisses each of the advisors in turn. They all look very uncomfortable. GERKIN Well master, are you going to send our young champions back to their own time so that they may bask in the glory of success among their peers? Scene 18 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake over shoulder of Gerkin TREBAKE Not just yet Gerkin. There are in fact some more prizes to present. Scene 19 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin over shoulder of Trebake GERKIN (Genuinely puzzled:) There are? Scene 20 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE Of course. Success in the dungeon deserves something special. Trebake reaches into his pocket and produces a nice wristwatch. TREBAKE (Addressing advisor 1:) Michael, for your impeccable timing, a watch. Scene 21 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake and Advisor 1 Trebake gives the watch to advisor 1. ADVISOR 1 Wow, thanks! Scene 22 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin GERKIN I've got a watch just like that. Scene 23 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE (Dismissively:) Really? How interesting. Trebake reaches into a pocket and produces a pair of cufflinks. TREBAKE (Addressing advisor 2:) Simon, for the way you brought your team together, these cufflinks. Scene 24 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake and Advisor 2 Trebake gives the cufflinks to advisor 2. ADVISOR 2 Thank you! Scene 25 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin GERKIN I've got a pair of cufflinks just like that… Scene 26 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE (Dismissively:) What a coincidence. Scene 27 Shot 1: Midshot of Gerkin, Advisors, and Trebake Trebake moves to edge of the screen and wheels on a bicycle. GERKIN That's my… TREBAKE (Loudly, to drown out Gerkin:) And for you David, for your, er, sense of balance and…pedals, this bicycle. Scene 28 Shot 1: Closeup of Advisor 3 ADVISOR 3 That's amazing, thank you so much! Scene 29 Shot 1: Midshot of Gerkin, Advisors, and Trebake GERKIN Wait a minute, you can't just… TREBAKE (Loudly, to drown out Gerkin:) And now it is time to sent you pack to your own world. Spelling!… Midshot of Gerkin, Advisors, and Trebake GERKIN (In desperation:) Wait! Wait, I've just, er, realised something! They don't actually deserve to win do they? TREBAKE What on earth do you mean Gerkin? GERKIN Well, that short cut they took between level one and three - it shouldn't have been allowed! It's not fair on all the other teams. It…it undermines the premise of the whole show. They aren't champions, they're cheaters! All these prizes should be returned! TREBAKE Haha, Gerkin’s just having a little joke. GERKIN It's all to do with the quota! TREBAKE What quota? What are you drivelling about? GERKIN The quota of one winning team per series. If we don't have one, we lose our sponsorship. TREBAKE Quota? Sponsorship? I’m sure I don't know what you mean Gerkin. Now I suggest you calm down and have a nice can of Vimto - it's refreshing and made with real fruit juice. Trebake produces a can of Vimto and gives it to Gerkin. GERKIN But… TREBAKE And now - if I may continue - one final spell for the victors. Spelling! V-I-M-T-O-R-Y. Shot of the three advisors. The letters of the spell appear on screen. Jump cut to shot of three empty chairs; however, the new shot is a bit too early on the recorded footage and we catch a glimpse of the last advisor walking off. We hear a whoosh. Shot of Trebake and Gerkin. TREBAKE Well Gerkin, I think it is time for our witnesses to leave us for now. GERKIN I wouldn’t know, I don't have a watch. Gerkin leaves in disgust. TREBAKE (Directly addressing camera:) Farewell, vicarious victors. May you travel safely until next we meet. GERKIN (Voiceover:) Guess I'll be walking! TREBAKE And remember, it's only a… GERKIN (Voiceover, drowning out Trebake:) Fix! TREBAKE …isn't it? Trebake walks off. The camera pans over to where the dungeonaut has been standing forgotten all this time. DUNGEONAUT (Meekly:) Do I get a prize? FADE TO BLACK. END.

Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The dungeonaut Lucy enters a cave with CLIVE THE CRUSADER (dressed in the attire of the Knights Templar with helmet, boots and sword) who is accompanying her on this section of the quest. In the middle of the cave are the remains of a small fire. Against the left wall is a blanket and a scattering of bones. A chicken drumstick lies on the floor to the right of the fire. There is an exit on the rear wall. CLIVE THE CRUSADER (His accent is very posh English) Oh pong, pong and pong again! This place smells like a Frenchman’s underpants after a double helping of garlic surprise on All Saints Day when the public lavatories are closed! Clive walks over to the fire, hunches down and prods at it. Scene 2 Shot 1: Closeup of Clive CLIVE THE CRUSADER Hmm, still warm. Whatever foul specimen resides here cannot be far away. Lucy, stay here while I scout the area. If you need me, call my name thrice. Scene 3 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Clive draws his sword and walks off screen. Scene 4 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber TREBAKE Tread carefully team. As Clive the Crusader has intimated this cave appears to be the dwelling of some feral creature. The fire, however, does suggest at least a small level of intelligence. My guess would be an ogre; I hope for your sake that Clive is not long gone. Scene 5 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 3 We should get that piece of chicken. ADVISOR 1 Yeah. Lucy, sidestep to your right. And again. Now walk forward until you can see a chicken drumstick. Scene 6 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Lucy moves as directed to the food. ADVISOR 1 (Voiceover:) Ok, put it in your bum sack. Lucy does so. At that moment the OGRE runs on with a growl. It is the same actor who plays Clive; they are now dressed in a fur skin, are barefoot and have a wig of shaggy hair. OGRE That mine! You steal chicken! Scene 7 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 2 Do you think we should give it back? ADVISOR 1 Maybe. Lucy, ask him if he wants it back. ADVISOR 2 And say sorry. Scene 8 Shot 1: Closeup of ogre over shoulder of dungeonaut DUNGEONAUT Sorry - do you want it back? OGRE No! I no want back. I no eat out your bum sack! Scene 9 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The ogre walks over to the bed area and picks up a large bone. OGRE You on own? Scene 10 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors ADVISOR 1 Yes or no? ADVISOR 3 I think we should say yes. ADVISOR 2 What if Clive comes back? ADVISOR 3 I…just have a feeling he won't. ADVISOR 1 Ok Lucy, say yes. Scene 11 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon DUNGEONAUT Yes. We hear a sound from off screen. OGRE What that noise? If you lying, I bone you in head! (Brandishes bone). The ogre stalks off screen. Scene 11 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber TREBAKE You have a choice here team: leave this place while the going is good - but lose your guide - or call for help and hope your companion reaches you first. Whatever you decide, I suggest you do it quickly. The advisors confer inaudibly and nod agreement at each other. ADVISOR 1 Lucy, summon Clive. Scene 12 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon DUNGEONAUT Clive! Clive! Clive! Clive runs back on screen. The actor is now back dressed as a knight but instead of a helmet they are wearing the ogre’s wig. CLIVE THE CRUSADER What is it Lucy - are you alright? DUNGEONAUT There was an ogre. Scene 13 Shot 1: Closeup of Clive over Dungeonaut's shoulder CLIVE THE CRUSADER An ogre? Well that makes sense - there’s a pile of poo back there so large it looks like the time Bendy Wendy the tavern girl put a whole pot of curry powder in the stew the very same day the privy flush malfunctioned. Clive puts his hand over his mouth and not very subtly roars. CLIVE THE CRUSADER It seems our ogre friend is back! Have no fear Lucy, leave this…to Clive! Scene 14 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Clive runs off screen. There is an awkward pause as the dungeonaut stands alone. Scene 15 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Shot of advisors staring at screen. Scene 16 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The ogre reappears. Along with his wig and fur skin he is wearing the knight’s boots and carrying his sword. Scene 17 Shot 1: Closeup of Ogre over dungeonaut's shoulder OGRE Grr. Where is other one? Tell now or I bash bash! (Waves sword). The Ogre puts his hand over his mouth in order to do Clive’s voice. CLIVE THE CRUSADER Step away from that fair maiden you depraved article of foulness! OGRE (To ‘Clive’ off screen:) You invade home! I kill now! The ogre puts his hand over his mouth again. CLIVE THE CRUSADER We’ll see about that! Come on then sewage breath! Scene 18 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Sword aloft, the ogre rushes off screen with a roar. We are left with a shot of the dungeonaut standing alone while the following exchange occurs. CLIVE THE CRUSADER (From off screen:) Aha! Not quick enough old bean! OGRE (From off screen:) Rargh! CLIVE THE CRUSADER (From off screen:) Ow, that bloody hurt! OGRE (From off screen:) Rargh! CLIVE THE CRUSADER (From off screen:) Take that you swine! The ogre roars in pain and staggers onto screen clutching his side with both hands. He still wears the knight’s boots. Scene 19 Shot 1: Closeup of Ogre over shoulder of dungeonaut OGRE (In plummy English accent:) God dammit that hurts! (Realising:) Grr, hurt bad! He collapses to the floor, dead. He lies face down, arms outstretched, head towards the camera. Pregnant pause. The ‘body’ of the ogre as subtly as possible commando crawls towards the edge of the screen. When his hands are out of shot they are pulled the rest of the way by persons unseen. CLIVE THE CRUSADER (Speaking as he is dragged off face down:) Christ this thing is heavy. Shot of dungeonaut standing alone. Scene 20 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE Luckily for you team it appears that Clive has won the day - Lucy may venture a little further with his help and guidance. Scene 21 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Lingering shot of dungeonaut standing alone. Scene 21 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake TREBAKE I'm sure he'll be back any moment now. Scene 22 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Clive comes back on screen out of breath and wearing the ogre’s wig, the knight’s top, no trousers and one boot; the other foot is bare. He is carrying the bone. Scene 23 Shot 1: Closeup of Clive over Dungeonaut's shoulder CLIVE THE CRUSADER Well that takes care of that abomination! Are you alright Lucy? Dungeonaut Well, I'm a bit worried that we came into the ogre’s home uninvited, stole his food and then killed him for no particular reason. Doesn't seem very chivalrous. CLIVE THE CRUSADER (Caught off guard:) Erm…Nonsense Lucy! Um…all ogre's are quite evil…heaven knows what would have happened to you if I hadn't been here as your swordsman (holds up bone). Er, right, well, let us see what the dungeon has in store for us next. This way! Scene 24 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Pointing the way with the bone and limping because of his missing boot, Clive leads the dungeonaut to the exit. Portal whoosh. FADE TO BLACK. END.

Mockery - Version 3.0 Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Mark: Where is this? Scene 2 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Advisor 3: Mark, you're in a room with a big pit. On the other side of the pit is a plinth or maybe a table. I can see something glistening – I think it’s the Pearl Necklace. Scene 3 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake Trebake: <Stifles a snigger> Well team, it looks like the object of your desire is finally within sight, the...<pauses, struggling not to laugh> Pearl Necklace. Scene 4 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors Advisor 1: So I guess we want to go around the pit and get the necklace then? Scene 5 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon The advisors guide Mark to the table. Advisor 3: Okay Mark, take the Pearl Necklace. Mark does so. Lord Wrath materialises in the room. Scene 6 Shot 1: Close up of Wrath Scene 6 Shot 2: Close up of Trebake Scene 6 Shot 3: Wide shot of dungeon Lord Wrath (unfortunately matching the cadence of the spice girls song): Stop right now, thank you very much. I need... Lord Wrath (catching himself, shaking his head to start again): Stop right now, <dungeonaut> (nodding to reassure himself).... Look how far you've come. Almost all the way to the end of my little dungeon. I’m gracious enough to admit that I’ve been impressed with your performance. In Level One you played battle chess and managed to beat the bishop... Lord Wrath: ...I thought I had you in Level Two but you somehow managed to choke the Spitting Wyrm.. Lord Wrath: ...As for Level Three, I’m amazed you managed to last so long when playing tug of war with Cyclops... Lord Wrath: ...But now, young Mark, your quest is at an end. I’ll let you live if you give me...the pearl necklace. Trebake's head fades into the dungeon a la early Knightmare series. He’s laughing hysterically. Dramatic battle music plays. Trebake: Don’t do it Mark! Don’t give Lord Wrath your... pearl necklace. Lord Wrath: Keep out of this Trebake. I have beaten you off many times before and today I’m beating you off again. Trebake: <Barely able to get a word out at this stage> Lord Wrath, the rules of the dungeon are clear. Mark already has the...the...quest object. Lord Wrath (high pitched): Lord Wrath gets what Lord Wrath wants. AND I WANT (adjusting the pitch lower to sound scarier)...AND I WANT A PEARL NECKLACE! Trebake’s floating head just laughs hysterically before fading out. The dramatic music continues. Scene 7 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors with Trebake behind Scene 7 Shot 2: Closeup of Trebake Advisor 2: <With Trebake laughing like a lunatic behind> We don’t have anything else. Maybe it’s a test or something. Maybe we should just try to satisfy him? Advisor 3: I'm not sure, Unnamed said that he would be disappointed to not feel the warmth that the pearl necklace gives on his chest once more. Trebake (mock shock, struggling to get the words out): Dirty bastard! Advisor 2 (to advisor 1): What do you think? Advisor 1: Hmmmmm. It's a hard one... Trebake (continuing to laugh): That's what SHE said. Advisor 1: ...It's like either option could be wrong. There's literally no way to know. It seems that if we refuse, we're done for, so I say give it to him. Trebake (continuing to laugh): Ooo err. Advisor 2: OK. Mark, give Lord Wrath the pearl necklace. Trebake falls off his throne, clutching his aching sides. Scene 8 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon Lord Wrath: <Taking the necklace> Ahhhhh, very good. And now Mark, it’s time for me to break my side of the bargain. You didn’t really think I’d let you live, did you? I hope you’re watching Trebake, because here comes the money shot! Lord Wrath zaps Mark with lightning. The bells of death toll. Scene 9 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber Scene 9 Shot 2: Closeup of Trebake Trebake: Oo -oo-ooh na-hahaha-sty! <Recovering slightly> Oh, Jesus.. Okay, okay... No team. You should never has offered to give Lord Wrath a ...<collapses into hysterics again while mouthing the words 'pearl necklace' - the team just look devastated. He eventually recovers> What you needed here was dragon magic - but you missed the opportunity to get any. Scene 10 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors Advisor 1: <Starting to cry> I can’t believe we came so close... Scene 11 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake Trebake (struggling to reconcile his amusement with a clearly distraught team): And now, it is time to return you to your own time and place. Spelling...D...I...S...M...I...S. A beat. Trebake (unsure): ....S? Scene 12 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber The team vanish Trebake: <Wiping his eyes> Ah, Christ almighty. END.