Corbiss the Bemuser
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This wasn't how Corbiss the Bemuser wanted his leadership to end. (If indeed he wanted it to end at all, or to begin, or if he even knew it had begun.)
After emerging from hiding in Winteria last year, Beaujolais de Pfeffel brought a terrible plague back with him. His action is now known as Oaf Hid '19.
With REVEAL and CURE spells in short supply, inhabitants of the entire realm are asked by Treguard to stay in their dwellings. This means that Corbiss' massive retirement party is cancelled.
His followers are distraught and, because it was never clear whether Corbiss was for remaining or leaving, some of them insist on coming out of their homes and gathering in large numbers to pay tribute to him. A few of them start rolling out specially made flags and banners. Others collect up scrolls in panic, for what purpose I cannot say.
Meanwhile, over in the New World, The Dunwold Thump is advised by Olaf to "time his eggs to perfection" so he makes plans to restore freedoms by Easter. Treguard fears this is dangerously hasty. After consulting with Corbiss' successor Sir Steer Calmer and BeauJeau, and decides to be a true dungeonmaster by announcing a lockdown. Fidjit returns in triumph. (By one definition he is a key worker.)
Merlin and Hordriss have deactivated their calling names; the Crazed Heifer is now surrounded by blockers; Lord Fear is trying to cast-lock a sanitisation spell on Hands; Treguard is projecting his face into marketplaces across the realm to tell people to take only two loo objects.
In a further measure, to stop goblins and miremen congregating at their favourite beauty spot, the Sewers of Goth are dyed crystal clear. Gumboil and the other guards order Corbiss' devotees indoors. "What about our flags and banners?" they cry. "At least let us roll them back up! You owe us that much!" "You can do it another time," comes the reply. "You're furl owed."
Maybe something is owed, thinks Treguard. He decides that some kind of send-off for Corbiss is called for, so he sends Majida, Heggatty and Casper to Corbiss' residence to have afternoon tea with him and express the Greater Dungeon's thanks. However, there is an apparent timing mishap: just before Corbiss' guests are about to leave, Treguard formally begins the lockdown. It is set to last several months.
As Majida starts to carp, Corbiss the Bemuser looks decidedly grumpy. He will not win the argument.
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The dungeon is still in lockdown. Except for some.
Muckings the Dominican, not used to being told what to do, gets Beaujolais de Pfeffel to let him go out despite showing symptoms of the plague. He ends up at Background Castle, the mysterious fortress seen behind departing teams in Series 3. He later claims he was testing his eyeshield (and trying to stay alert and control the iris).
Like many folk, Corbiss the Bemuser is outraged. He places a curse on BeauJeau: for every child he has sired, a supporters' life force will drop.
This means that a lot of people are in danger.
To protect the realm, and give time for the curse to wear off, Treguard casts BeauJeau to Level 4. For his return journey, BeauJeau is left with only a spyglass and a knapsack imbued with new "quest and trace" technomagic. Though meant to be "world beating" (a phrase used by Radio Times to describe Knightmare itself), the knapsack fails after coming into contact with an apple. BeauJeau is forced to eat his own hair to survive, but finally makes it from Level 4 to Level 3. Whether he will proceed amidst a network of allies, or a web of lies, only time will tell.
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Beaujolais de Pfeffel returns, having shed 14 pounds on the journey. He begins work on a memoir: Hardly Hotter and the Full Loss of a Stone.
Meanwhile the dungeon plague, as well as interfering with the lives of dungeon folk, has disrupted dungeoneering. It's not considered safe for children from the Home Plane to be put to the test on quests in this phase, but BeauJeau decides they should be given awards based on how well they were predicted to do: their Anticipated Levels.
This will require a powerful spell. Corbiss the Bemuser offers to help, but BeauJeau will not allow it. Instead he recruits a witch who claims she put the red bit on the Eyeshield and calls herself the Crone of Iris. He asks the Crone to mix her ingredients not in a cauldron but in the swamp in the Vale of Banburn. This is the quicksand which swallowed Gavin in Series 3 and still speaks with his voice. BeauJeau hopes that the quicksand will help to bind the magic, preventing any reversal, which would be so embarrassing.
The spell creates many injustices. One brilliantly prepared and skilful team, who had been predicted a Win, are awarded a Level 3 and sent home by Merlin for the Summer Solstice. Another team, predicted to redeem the Sword of Freedom, end up with the Pointy Stick of Promise. Teams from comprehensive schools are particularly affected, by not having got on Knightmare in the first place.
The far-reaching magic affects dungeon inhabitants too. Elita is furious when an attempt to 'BAG' her disembodied voice leads to her being kicked with an UGG Boot. And Heggatty, instead of saying "Eh? Eh?" now says "See? See?"
In response to many complaints - including one from Series 8 contestant Blan Doyd - Corbiss steps in to override the magic, ignoring the stubborn voice of Gavin. Corbiss' new spell raises the results for many teams. This is great news for Series 5's former Bee Team, who get their own theme music; and for the Drimwolds, who dine on Breaded Kaa.
Corbiss' triumph is short lived. While taking his medication - the Bitter Pill of Self-Delusion - he is caught off-guard when Lord Dear has the original magic recast on the Bemuser. Corbiss is downgraded, flung back in time and forced to spend a year as a tearful drawbridge on Level 2.
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Corbiss the Bemuser, restored after his year as Dorciss, puts on a celebratory spread. He is criticised when his table breaks the wall monsters' 'rule of six' by having a food item, a spyglass, a clue scroll, a spell scroll and four clue objects. Corbiss, who does not always pay enough heed to walls, doubts there is a problem but asks Diane the Abbess to help. Her solution is to bake the clue scroll into a biscuit, though someone with better arithmetic points out that this only reduces the total to seven.
The Dunwold Thump has been sicker than usual. After meeting the Crone of Iris and trying to grab her familiar, she strikes him down with the dungeon plague. In an attempt to prove he is not weakened, Thump gathers his subjects and removes his protective head armour. However, since this was holding his face together, his skin starts to fall off. He decides to transport himself to Knightmare Castle for succour and he defiantly attempts to enter via the Forbidden Gate - but a letter d has been scratched from the name and the gate shows him no favour. Thump retreats to his palace amid rumours that his downfall is nigh.
One group of dungeon inhabitants, the floating skulls, has a concern other than the plague. While many are held by the Opposition, some are freelance, roaming independently but struggling to find sustenance between adventuring phases when there is no dungeoneer life force for them to feed off. They should, according to many, be given free skull meals.
Leading this call on behalf of the skulls is a descendant of Harold Harefoot named Marcus Rushfoot. Beaujolais de Pfeffel does not share Rushfoot's concern for the skulls, declaring: "Let them eat pie."
This they do. Some of the skulls are given pie by Mildread and have a bad reaction; others eat the life force pie from Series 8 and have an even worse reaction. Realising that BeauJeau has a rump steak that will keep them fed for months, the skulls turn their attention to him, pursuing him through the labyrinth.
Motley is feeling somewhat redundant in the face of all this buffoonery. Corbiss tries to cheer him up by giving him the combined object mentioned earlier. Breaking open this fortune cookie, Motley is left confused by the message inside:
*Paul's next job could be in locks.
(He just doesn't know it yet)*
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Despite the shortage of free skull meals, Beaujolais de Pfeffel insists there is food aplenty for everybody else: they just need to overcome their fear of the dungeon plague by going into clue rooms, kitchens and marketplaces and eating. Though Treguard refuses BeauJeau's request to popularise the half-Norman phrase "Enter, manger", Mellisandre agrees to pop up making cheerful gestures in the distance to encourage dungeon denizens to venture out to eat out. Melly is seen doing this wave just once before the plague starts to spread again. People start preparing for a second wave.
Around this time, one of Lord Fear's frightknights is recalled from leave. Exhausted from going from left to right and never finding the centre, the frightknight had been sunning itself on a desert island recommended by Treguard. The metallic guard, previously unnamed, it is now known as 'Sun-Kissed Armour'.
As this saga of fantastic work, in both senses of the word, likely nears to a conclusion...
11 months later and it seems that Corbiss the Bemuser will not be written off (or do I mean written out?).
In an attempt to ward off an investigation into his past actions and inactions, Corbiss asserts that he will investigate himself, using magic to search for and find the truth. Opting for "the old Norman", he spellcasts CHERCHER.
BeauJeau catches him and responds by dispelling it with a flourish: "E-H-R-C, E-H-R-C!" Corbiss is furious at this ostentatious interruption, complaining that the E-H-R-C retort was dramatically overstated. He storms off, bumping into the returning frightknight and tripping off a ledge. The frightknight casts a FLOAT spell that leaves Corbiss hanging in the air. Sun-Kissed Armour has suspended him.
Corbiss the Bemuser's power has waned. In defiance of the plague, he travels to the Isle of Wight to spend time with a nudist. (Sometimes I don't even need to satirise.)
Meanwhile, someone else is growing in power: Count Brinkatore, or Joseph to his friends. Eager to challenge the Dunwold Thump, he has grown old biding his time but is now ready. Joseph the Bider finds an ally in Harris (actually Hordriss in disguise*) who gives him two spells: a powerful one and a humble three-letter one.
Brinkatore bursts into Thump's palace to seize the Crown. He must choose which spell to cast. He decides against the longer spell, HUMILIATION: Thump has been using a self-activated equivalent every day for four years and is unlikely to be harmed by another person casting it on him. The Bider goes for the shorter spell: TAX.
Thump is struck down, bawling in rage. He demands that his subjects "STOP THE COUNT!" but Joseph the Bider leaves calmly with the Crown. Thump tries to allege that the Bider's magic was corrupt, but this is pure falsehood. Many spyglasses cut away in disgust. Only the Brollachan comes to Thump's defence, repeatedly intoning of the Bider's magic:
...it is ILLEGAL.
Thump barricades himself in his palace. It's going to be a long winter.
Who is actually Lord Fear in disguise.*
**Who is actually January the dungeoneer, using the Ring of Power she'd failed to use in Series 6 Team 4. So ultimately, January will be the end of Thump.
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Corbiss is returning from the Isle of Wight. He is sustaining himself on the journey with a supply of confectionery treats that have half a nut on top.
Meanwhile the Dunwold Thump, vowing to fight on against Count Brinkatore a.k.a. Joseph the Bider, has appointed as his spokesperson Ridolfo. The minstrel is sent to make a proclamation at Dungarth, but gets lost and ends up at a nearby garden shed known as Fourth Season Purple Landscaping. The Bider, who has not forgotten Ridolfo's indiscretion with Lady Brinkatore, helps some goblins to track the scent of Ridolfo (whose Italian surname he knows).
Moments before the creatures catch him, the minstrel finds a scroll. It reads: 'Giuliani, say hello to the goblins and ask them if they'd like a present.'
Beaujolais de Pfeffel has a problem of his own. One of his courtes- er courtiers, Gretel the maid, has become notorious for her bullish aggression, with rumours that she's become addicted to Big Bill's Beefy Extract potions. Unwilling to face the truth about Gritty Gretel, BeauJeau orders his courtiers to "coalesce in a quadrilateral" so as to protect her from anyone daring to want justice.
In doing so, the courtiers give each other the plague. Gretel promptly downs more of the potion, turns into a bull again and breaks out of the square, rampaging through the dungeon. She is finally subdued by a passing Corbiss, who loses the last of his nut-topped confectionery in the process. Aggrieved at having the walnut whip removed, Corbiss retreats to his study to await a healing potion.
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Despite Beaujolais de Pfeffel's promise of food aplenty, there are shortages in many clue rooms, especially of fish. Treguard decides to put his post-Series 6 avuncular disposition to good use by making sure that dungeoneers are fed. He restocks all the clue rooms with fish pies under a pseudonym, the UNITE Chef.
This prompts an indignant response from Moggrees, who declares that the UNITE Chef should be ashamed of himself. An embarrassed BeauJeau reacts too, charging off to Gaul and striking a deal for "quite prodigious quantities of extra fish". He retires to his chambers to feast on a surfeit of lampreys.
Corbiss the Bemuser is doing his bit too. He makes sure that vegetarian and vegan dungeoneers have legumes available, provided by Corbiss' new Peas and Helmet of Justice Project. He also offers winning teams access to his stash of walnut whips, supplied to him by the mysterious "Princess Nut Nut".
Yet with the dungeon plague still raging, and forcing some dungeoneers to seek refuge on Level 4, Corbiss aspires to do more. When a villager insults him, it gives him an idea: a magical prick. He will enchant the dungeon's needles with healing properties so that Pixel and the other pixies can fly around the dungeon making people better with a simple scratch.
Despite widespread calls for Treguard to get the first scratch, Corbiss gallantly insists that it be him. He also says that to fully test the magic, he will allow the needle to pierce his skin.
Unfortunately for Corbiss, the pixies are all busy, and coincidentally have all just received a commemorative gold coin with BeauJeau's face on it. The last thing Corbiss sees before he faints is Grimwold approaching with the oversized needle from Series 8 Quest 2 Level 3.
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Corbiss the Bemuser wakes from a long slumber. His arm hurts from the healing needle and though it has protected him, he becomes unbalanced with suspicion and will not let another needle touch him. Now known as Pierced Corbiss, he proceeds to vandalise apothecary stalls, sing songs about how dungeoneers no longer need helmets and call for a red dragon attack against Knightmare Castle.
Beaujolais de Pfeffel does nothing about this because he has troubles of his own. Rumours are swirling that he held as many as 17 private quests at the height of dungeon plague restrictions. According to some tales, his advisors gathered in the Dungeon with him; ambushed him with a life force pie; put two pieces of cheese in his knapsack at once; brought their own Etruscan brandy; broke the swinging axe on Level 3; took three potions from a clue table at the same time, as if the Adventurer's Code didn't apply to them.
Treguard is most concerned and decides that somebody must interrogate BeauJeau and report back. Remembering that he once met an expert chronicler of the tacky, Treguard enlists Stuart Ashens, who adopts the alias Susan (as he did during his YouTube Geek Week quest) and the guise of the threatening figure from Series 7, Quest 3, Level 2.
Word spreads of this endeavour and across the realm, folk eagerly await the Sue Grayling report. Alas, its power to attack may have been overstated.
As BeauJeau's advisors cast DISMISS on themselves (despite his attempts to inspire them by quoting The Dreamstone), he tries to seek refuge behind a series of Weeping Doors. Their cries of "The bitter pill of self-delusion" and "Truth will out and so will you" drive him onward until he finds one named Doorries. Utterly spellbound, Doorries opens for his falsehoods and affords him protection on account of being very thick. But will BeauJeau be safe for long?
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Beaujolais de Pfeffel has been deposed. Corbiss the Bemuser, unable to retake power for himself, has instead installed his daughter: Luztriss the Bemused.
Watchers may recall the first encounter between a dungeoneer and Luztriss's cousin Sidriss. Sidriss, with the assistance of a consummate joker and without the necessary grasp of detail, cast an ambitious spell... which duly went wrong, spooked and endangered everyone and had to be swiftly reversed.
Who is Luztriss to break with family tradition? Her spell, intended to increase gold across the realm, instead conjures up huge amounts of fool's gold. How will ferrymen, dragon taxis, corruptible guards and traders know what they're being paid in? The markets aren't happy - except the pork markets, who are delirious for some reason - and call for the sorceress, now known as Luztriss the Defused, to go.
Corbiss and Treguard are forced to intervene. Corbiss undoes Luztriss's magic; Treguard prepares for his customary spell while a sympathetic Pickle slips Luztriss some food for her long journey. Having misheard Treguard quoting a scribe - 'she's crackers' - Pickle gives her cheese and crackers. As Luztriss fumes about the cheese being a Norman import, Treguard completes his spell. That. Is. A. DISMISS.
BeauJeau, who is in the New World conducting before-speaking dinner engagements, learns of Luztriss's dismissal and begins to plot a return. Could it happen? As life force sprites skip straight from green to red, the realm waits.
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Beaujolais de Pfeffel ... held as many as 17 private quests at the height of dungeon plague restrictions. According to some tales, his advisors gathered in the Dungeon with him
During the 7th and 12th quests of Series 3, shortly after dungeoneers Kelly and Chris arrived at the Vale of Banburn, a woman in a red dress was seen dallying at the far end of the vale. Beaujolais de Pfeffel learned of her terpsichorean powers and invited her to dance in the background during one of his private quests.
As musicians played Faerietale of Dunshelm, and the woman in red danced with a male companion, BeauJeau revelled in the company of acolytes who acted like the sun was shining out of his fundament. But unbeknownst to BeauJeau, one of them had become disenchanted and was harbouring his own ambitions of power. He stood apart, holding a spyglass. A few people asked their fellow Acolyte of the Sun (he was considered too minor a character to be given a name) if he was filming that they were, like, bending the Adventurer's Code. He replied that it was a magnifying glass and he was trying to find BeauJeau's sense of decency. They laughed and wished him luck.
Over time, the Sun Acolyte distanced himself from BeauJeau, but not so far as to arouse suspicion (for BeauJeau was easily aroused). Working as a money lender, he amassed considerable wealth.
And then, two-and-a-half phases after the illegal quest, his moving pictures from the spyglass appear in the Magic Mirror.
Treguard is appalled. BeauJeau by this point has been deposed but retains some of his powers, and Treguard knows that BeauJeau must be dealt with once and for all and for the moment. Yet he cannot trust Corbiss the Bemuser to take decisive action.
Treguard awards Corbiss a higher calling: building on Brother Strange's work by compiling dungeon ditties for the many. And making jam for clue rooms. Setting Corbiss to work deep into a northern part of a southern part of the dungeons, Treguard ponders the next leader of the Powers that Be: someone who knows how to strike at BeauJeau's very heart. Treguard approaches the man behind the spyglass recording: the Rich Sun Acolyte. He accepts Treguard's quest, taking the nickname Sunac.
Sunac knows exactly what to do. Identifying all the acolytes on whom BeauJeau had spellcast HEROES shortly before leaving power, Sunac and Treguard dispel. Across the realm, Silver Spurs of Squiredom are withdrawn.
This causes uproar. Doorries, the spellbound door who once protected BeauJeau, becomes unhinged. Moggrees bemoans the loss of his knighthood yet his IF and BUT spells are to no avail.
BeauJeau himself is furious, claiming he is the victim of a "witch hunt" and a "cavernwight court" (while forgetting that those were the names of two personal speed-dating nights he organised). In a fit of pique, he seduces a maiden and conceives a child and in another fit of pique, he throws his bauble: the true source of his power. It tumbles down a hole. BeauJeau leaps after it, but it may be irretrievable. In losing his laughter, has he finally lost it all?
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As the Dungeon returns for a new phase, the Powers that Be have a new leader:
The knight who once tamed a wild bovine and founded the realm's finest inn, the Crazed Heifer, in its honour. Because of this deed, people started calling him Sir Bullock Settler, until he persuaded them to modify it to Sir Steer Calmer.
Corbiss the Bemuser, as a long-lived mage who appears to draw power from outside, was one of the few denizens in a position to make the Dungeon form again. Having mislaid the arcane wisdom that once gave him true power, he resorts to a simplistic spell. But there are horrendous side-effects to the spellcasting of REFORM.
Amid the Dungeon's general resurrection, an excess of magic is channelled to a small group of renegades deplored by the Powers that Be and tolerated by the Opposition. Their leader is...
a coarse vagabond named Forage.
In an attempt to sound widely influential yet anti-establishment, Forage asks to be known as Nudge-All the Disparager. Yet people keep calling him Forage, and pronouncing it to sound Norman, which infuriates him.
Not that he and his brigade (the Reformed) are anything less than furious. They direct this fury at dungeoneers. It's obvious to most that the Knightmare Realm would not be what it is without dungeoneers, but not to The Reformed. So visceral is their hatred that they make Lord Fear look like Rothberry, so to speak.
In his smug, insatiable hunger for influence, Forage sets out to incite every dungeoneer hater in the realm. To enchant these unsophisticated folk, he uses an unsophisticated incantation, attempting to conjure up a "Huge Ol' Riot".
Instead, because of a concealed silver spoon impeding his speech, he summons Hugo Myatt.
A firm, prolonged stare sends Forage scampering for shelter in the expensive property that we're not supposed to know he owns. Have Forage and the Reformed been subdued, or will they continue to be a blight on Treguard, Sir Steer and the realm?
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