Winteria / The Fast Show II / Skarkill's New Eye

Drassil

[Originally posted on Sunday 11 February 2007, 19:48]

Inspired by recent weather...

[Dungeoneer Ben (Team 4 of Series 5) is in Winteria. The wolf howl sound effect is heard.]

Pickle: White wolves, Master!

Treguard: Wolves are wolves, Pickle. Adding 'white' to the beginning just because there's snow around is silly.

[Merlin appears, with his customary streak of light, swigging from a large bottle of cheap cider.]

Pickle: White Lightning, Master!

[The Dreaded Khar from Series 3 rises out of the snow, singing 'Here I Go Again'.]

Pickle: White snake, Master!

[Khar begins to shake, turns very pale, groans "Ooooh... Caaaay..." and combusts, leaving the words 'Welcome 1900' floating in the air.]

Pickle: White Oo-Cay Virus, Master!

Treguard: Oh, Pickle, enough!

[Brother Mace enters, moaning about his Chardonnay.]

Pickle: White whine, Master!

[A female horse gallops across the scene.]

Pickle: White maaare! It's a white maaare!

Treguard: We are never sending a dungeoneer to Winteria again!

[Ben continues into an area where Series 2's Bumptious is reading a Games Workshop periodical.]

Pickle: White Dwarf, Master!

[Treguard sighs. Bumptious goes over to join six of his friends, who are building a cavernwight out of available resources.]

Pickle: Snow Wight and...

Treguard: Yes, I can guess the rest! Just one more, Pickle, for goodness' sake!

[Series 7's Barry appears, singing 'You're The First, The Last, My Everything'.]

Pickle: [Shrugs] Don't know what to do with that one.

Treguard: My name is not Treguard.

Brother Mace: My name is not Brother Mace.

Motley: My name ain't Motley.

...and so on.

Three years ago in this thread, I contributed Knightmare versions of many Fast Show characters/moments. Here is one I didn't think of at the time:

Lord Fear: Meee, the Thirteenth Lord of Feeear? Surrender? With my reputation? You must be out of your tiny mind!

[It is some time after the end of Series 6. Skarkill, whose legs are better after a period of convalescence, enters the Black Tower of Goth. Lord Fear and a stand-in assistant are there.]

Lord Fear: Ah, Skarkill, you've returned. I can get rid of the locum. Baldrick!

Baldrick: Sir?

Lord Fear: Now it's your turn to take some sick leave.

Baldrick: But I'm in perfect health, Sir!

Lord Fear: Let me explain. You make me sick. Leave.

Baldrick: Oh. [Shuffles out.]

Skarkill: Hehe, magnificent.

Lord Fear: Ew. Now, Skarkill, first thing's first: as a welcome-back present, I've got you a brand new eye. The eye of a hawk.

Skarkill: Most kind, yer Fearship... er, Lordship. I might rename meself: Hawkeye. Hehe, superb.

Lord Fear: What's more, I have a new seneschal on the way, courtesy of the Atlantean Royal Society of Elders, so I'm reassigning you. Since Captain Nemanor was accidentally brutally eaten by his hat last week, you're to take over command of the Cloudwalker.

Skarkill: I'm honoured! Hawkeye, Captain of the Opposition Flagship Cloudwalker! Hehe, tremendous.

Lord Fear: Oh, a couple of points. First, I've been told by the Atlanteans to expect a tuna fanatic. So the Cloudwalker is to become a fishing vessel.

Skarkill: A fish ship, Fearship?

Lord Fear: And that hawk's eye I mentioned - I don't actually know what bird it's from.

Skarkill: So that'll make me...

Baldrick: [Running back in] Captain Birdseye!

Skarkill: That's it, yer Lordship, I've 'ad enough! Spellcasting...

Lord Fear: A spell! Oh I'm so scared. Whatever could it be? Another SPLASH spell? A curse of fatal death, perhaps? Go on, Skarkill, I can't wait to find out. And good luck with the spelling part, I know it's not your strong suit.

Skarkill: ...S-W-I-T-C-H!

[Lord Fear turns into Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous.]

Skarkill: Hehehehehe! Lumley.