Corbiss the Bemuser
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Following the retirement of Hordriss, another chief archmage is chosen: Hordriss' slightly less majestic brother, Corbiss the Bemuser.
During a service to mark the 22nd anniversary of the Battle of Bulstrode, Corbiss offends swathes of Middle Albion by wearing his medallion loose. When Brother Mace, who is conducting the service in his usual outfit, calls for three cheers for Barry, Corbiss sits in silence. This prompts Mace to knock Corbiss unconscious with a chicken leg. "Sorry," says the monk. "Force of habit." Cue hearty laugh.
To be continued, I'm sure.
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Following the retirement of Hordriss, another chief archmage is chosen: Hordriss' slightly less majestic brother, Corbiss the Bemuser.
During a service to mark the 22nd anniversary of the Battle of Bulstrode, Corbiss offends swathes of Middle Albion by wearing his medallion loose. When Brother Mace, who is conducting the service in his usual outfit, calls for three cheers for Barry, Corbiss sits in silence. This prompts Mace to knock Corbiss unconscious with a chicken leg. "Sorry," says the monk. "Force of habit." Cue hearty laugh.
To be continued, I'm sure.
Even if they didn't already support Maldame, the miremen would still not be welcoming of Corbiss the Bemuser. They heard that he wants to scrap their tridents.
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If Boris Johnson's mum thinks that Jeremy Corbyn "look[s] a bit like an old wizard", maybe I am onto something with this.
Corbiss the Bemuser meets a dungeoneer on a bridge. In order to pass, the dungeoneer casts a SWORD spell. Corbiss offers his respects and withdraws. He is soon being slated for not bowing deeply enough. His aides tear their hair out, wondering what in the Underworld people want from poor old Corbiss. Hearing about a yoga class that's running in the Dungeon, they hastily sign Corbiss up so that he can improve his bowing. Upon arrival at the class, Corbiss is clobbered by Grimwold and Scumbore. Standing over him, Grimwold's wife remarks, "Did you enjoy me ogre class, dearie?"
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Corbiss the Bemuser, having found that some of the Dungeon potions disagree with him, decides to rearrange the bottles within their dedicated cupboard. This cabinet reshuffle takes several days. According to some reports, a lot of True Sight is tipped down the drain. Rothberry, though, manages to get at least one of his formulations in the front row, thanks to a misprinted label that jumbled up the first four letters of his name and added an N after them.
The reshuffle proves controversial, with toxic leaks from a number of the potions, sour outpourings from others, and some spontaneously expiring. It's then pointed out to Corbiss by "Harris" (either Hordriss in disguise, or a genuine Harris) that because the cabinet is made of shadows, the powerful magic needed to make it a real cabinet that people will seek sustenance from may not exist in this realm or any other. With a weary sigh, Corbiss sits back and opens the bottle that Hordriss gave him as a welcome gift: fifty-year-old Etruscan brandy.
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Corbiss the Bemuser releases a scroll that states: 'davey cam is a pie'. The message is swiftly recalled and blamed on Sidriss. However, some claim that the scroll was a leak disclosing the fate of Knightmare's first ever dungeoneer, David Campbell, at the hands of cannibalistic cavernwights, and that the pie was retrieved by the Powers That Be and preserved as a Life Force clock to save embarrassment. Which may not have worked anyway.
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Lissard announces a spending review on Lord Fear's behalf. As part of it, Skarkill is ordered to repay the benefits he was given following his eye and leg injuries. In protest, Raptor sends Lord Fear a scroll of resignation.
Although much could be made of this embarrassment, Corbiss the Bemuser fails to press home the advantage. He is too busy denying knowledge of a parchment that groups Knightmare contestants according to how impertinent they were to him.
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Igneous becomes more and more outspoken. He claims he is still under the influence of the TRUTH spell cast on him in Series 2 but this does not lessen the offence he is causing. Corbiss the Bemuser is urged to act and, though he is fond of the wall monster's redness, he finally responds by turning Igneous into causeway blocks, hanging in the air. In other words, he suspends living stone.
When questioned by a chronicler about the matter, Corbiss tries to make a quick exit, only to be stopped by a door monster that doesn't acknowledge his calling.
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The latest misadventures of Corbiss the Bemuser to come. But first, some historical background.
According to legend, the first spell cast in the Knightmare realm was by a young Merlin who, while working as a shepherd boy, used magic to turn a bean into something he could use to tether a female sheep. Over time, as more users of magic became known, their powers were woven into the fabric of the realm in a great Magical Union. In honour of that first spell, this was also known as the ERBU: the Ewe Rope Bean Union.
Forward to more recent history. In Series 4, Motley felt he'd achieved improv perfection with his ditty "My mate Dickon, he ain't no chicken!" To preserve his comic talent at its height, he paid an apothecary to capture the moment in the form of a potion - a talking potion, no less. (Because after a talking key, anything goes.) The label on the bottle read 'Essence of Motley the Jester, from the time he got let out of the Pillory and came up with a Rhyme about a Hen'. A lot of the words rubbed off and the potion became known simply as Pillory Hen.
Eventually, the potion found its way into the shadowy cabinet of Corbiss the Bemuser. At home among a motley crew, Pillory Hen became increasingly critical of the leader, spouting such quips as "Corbiss is the worst we've had since that Foot fella was in charge" (referring to a brief period when the Giant Foot creature from early Series 3 was Master of Level Two after Merlin misheard a comment about its level toes.) It also accuses the Bemuser of not doing enough to stop the Grey Sisters from voting to withdraw their magic from the ERBU (the so-called Hexit). Frustrated, Corbiss tries to dilute Pillory Hen with True Sight potion but this only makes its remarks even sharper. Eventually, Corbiss the Bemuser can take no more and chucks Pillory Hen into a sack.
So clumsily does Corbiss remove Pillory Hen that he upsets almost the entire cabinet. One by one, his potions tumble out and smash on the floor. To say that they mix to form an alkaline solution would be doubly untrue: the blend is uniformly acidic and no solution of any kind.
As the mess pools around Corbiss's sandalled feet, he is strongly advised to get clear. But no, he won't be seen to lose his bottle. Restocking his cabinet, he spellcasts a fascinating covered manhole into the floor and waits for the acid to drain away.
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Support for Corbiss the Bemuser has reached new depths. (Except among HOGG but as dwarvish miners, they're usually deep underground anyway.) He makes a speech, appealing for everybody to "come together". This is condemned as a poor Beatles cover version by his critic Owen the Smith (who, being named Owen, is an authority on the beetles).
Fed up of people calling a shovel a spade, Corbiss retreats to his plot of land. It's in Finchley, a village known for its support of thatchers. Not an ideal bolthole for Corbiss, especially as he's trying to be roofless.
As he tends to his vegetables, Corbiss sees swallows in the sky. And one bird that isn't. Deciding to consult an expert on swallows, Corbiss summons the Brollachan, who declares: "It is AN EAGLE." Moments later, the bird starts to shimmer with a heavenly glow. The Brollachan confirms that "it is still AN EAGLE". Then the Brollachan reverts to type, hungering for knowledge and quizzing Corbiss.
So there stands Corbiss the Bemuser. Wary of the Angelic Eagle, "inundated with questions, questions, questions", hoping somehow to keep his allotment without losing the plot.
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So there stands Corbiss the Bemuser. Wary of the Angelic Eagle, "inundated with questions, questions, questions", hoping somehow to keep his allotment without losing the plot.
After evading a flying piece of Igneous, the Angelic Eagle has fled, leaving only a feather behind. (Some say the eagle sought refuge with another wall monster, Granitas, who has returned to the dungeons after running an anti-Corbiss restaurant in Islington.) Corbiss the Bemuser turns the feather into a quill by using it to write a parchment to the new T. Bag (an empowered sister to Tallulah and Tabatha, thought to be named Theresa), urging her to consider the plight of the leopard when choosing her footwear. But after spilling ink over the parchment and finding his blotting paper inadequate, Corbiss abandons it and leaves for an engagement. Later, one of his ogres arrives and condemns the "****ing useless blotters" as he deals with the spillage. Whether he is happy to clean up Corbiss' mess, or doesn't even realise he's doing it, is unclear.
Where did Corbiss go? Concerned for the structural integrity of the dungeon chambers, he attends a cube solidarity rally. He is later questioned about it by an elf of Elvandis (referred to by the tongue-tied as "Elvan-Davis") who brings news to knights. During this interview, Corbiss insists, "I don't do malice." A sorceress from Knightmare Series 4 would later remark, "I'd like to see him try!"
As the interview concludes, the ogre arrives with a slice of Series 8 Life Force Pie (Corbiss felt sorry for it) and a cup of stinkwort tea. But he trips on another stray piece of Igneous and the contents of the tray go all over Corbiss. Blaming the equipment, the ogre rages about "****ing useless platters".
"You could have done with protection against the platter," the cheeky elf says to Corbiss. "Where's a tray guard when you need it?"
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Corbiss the Bemuser, a man keen to borrow more time, journeys to the Tower of Time, still regarded by many as the dungeons' new castle. Finding that the ferry is "ram-packed" (because jam-packed is passé), he films himself on an eyeshield as he takes a raft across the Dunswater. Corbiss warns of the dangers of floors, which not only crumple one's robes but are liable to swallow unsuspecting travellers at any moment, especially if they are foolhardy enough to venture too far to the left.
When Treguard learns of spyglass evidence that contradicts the Bemuser, he strokes his beard and decides he must share it. The moving images released by the Dungeon Master (known to some as the "fur chin boss") show Corbiss walking past the Dunswater ferry with unreserved seats, past Smirkenorff with a reserved but empty seat, past a wellway, past an elf portal, past the Cloudwalker and the Golden Galleon (both relocated from their usual routes) past a mine cart at the entrance to a tunnel that runs beneath the Dunswater and past a bridge, before taking the raft.
Everyone is shocked. This includes devotees of Corbiss, who can't understand why he didn't cast a WALK ON WATER spell (as seen in Knightmare gamebook V, The Quest for the Dragon's Egg). Was he prevented from using it by a Powers That Be conspiracy? How dare they?
Upon his return from the new castle, Corbiss is besieged by his adversary Owen the Smith and a team of chroniclers. They quiz him about the strange walk he effects when looking for manhole covers and other such fascinations (referred to as his "Drain Gait"), and his apparent lies about the ram-packed ferry. Corbiss starts to lose his cool. Normally he enjoys having very nice conversations with very nice people whom it's very nice to see, but the chroniclers are being jampantly provocative to the point of jambunctious. Can't they let him talk about the NES (the Notional Elf Service, in which dungeon healers treat anyone with hair over their ears because they might be elvish)? Corbiss sighs - really sighs - and withdraws to his jamshackle cottage (he's not rich, you know) where he runs his crumpled robes through a Corbiss trouser press.
Closer inspection of the spyglass footage suggests that the allegedly empty seats were taken up by pixies, clue objects, assassins and a Cheshire cat. If only we had a TRUTH spell to find out the facts. Where's Akash Jam Tarrey when you need him?
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Corbiss the Bemuser is approached by a representative of the Honourable Guild of Thieves and Beggars, known latterly as Scumsnet. They've heard rumours of his militant associations and want to know what his favourite weapon is.
"Keep it short," whispers his right-hand ogre (who stands on the left). Corbiss misunderstands this and gives a long answer with "short" in it:
"I'm totally anti-blades on health and safety grounds so wield very few weapons, but if forced to brandish one, it's always a pleasure to have a shortsword."
Not, oddly enough, a morning star.
This makes some of the dungeon guards jealous. They wield shortswords but sometimes find it a joyless chore. Why can't they always find pleasure in things they're forced to do? One guard questions how Corbiss could claim to be totally anti-blades when he was seen drinking a blacksmith's elixir called Iron Brew. The Bemuser brushes this off by reminding everyone that he's here to talk about magic, very nice magic, and could they very kindly let him get back to doing so?
Scumsnet move on to Corbiss' rival Owen the Smith and ask him what his favourite weapon is. "Flail," he answers. "Indeed you do," reply Scumsnet.
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It emerges that Corbiss has been to the land of Winsyria and met its ruler, Assadre. Like other visitors before him, Corbiss was magically clad in a red outer garment upon arrival, which rather appealed to him. To avoid having to get too political, Corbiss claims that he was only there to study sewer lids. His ogre adds that anyone who has a problem with that can sidestep outside with him to settle it manhole a manhole.
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Across the border from Dunshelm, among the Picts, there lives a hobogre. The most powerful member of the Dunwold dynasty, this creature is known as Thump. The people, fearful of his vulgarity and influence, imprison the Dunwold Thump in an upright set of stocks (jewel-encrusted, thanks to large donations). Before long, Thump breaks free. As he rampages across the land, the people curse their foolishness at thinking he could be held back by a pillory glintin'.
Unable to pass the Northguard, Thump heads out to sea. Stopping over at Altantis' city, where he once paid for a string of aquasinos, he pinches one of their last remaining spells - not easy to do, but Thump has spent ages perfecting his pinch. Arriving in the New World, the Dunwold casts this DEMOCRACY spell. Despite miscasting it as DE-MOCK-CRASS-Y, it works as he knew it would, making the prescient Thump the ruler. He promises to make the New World grate.
Corbiss decides that he could be a good friend to Thump, so he travels to the New World for an audience with him. But Corbiss is too late. Thump has already chosen an Albion familiar: a coarse vagabond named Forage. Forage is a leading member of a Mireworld society called United Dungeon Under Maldame (UDUM) and has access to her Power To Rule pills (as seen in Series 8), whereas Corbiss has to make to with Power To Rue.
As Corbiss makes his way back to the Olde Worlde, Thump starts to feel threatened by the superior intellects of others in the realm. The only answer, he decides, is to cut off their access to books such as Knightmare's foremost encyclopedia. He gives orders for all such tomes to be put behind a mighty barrier. Only time will tell if Thump succeeds in building this Lexicon wall.
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Corbiss the Bemuser proclaims that knapsacks should have a maximum weight. Then he seems to backtrack.
The main event in the Dungeons, though, is a visit by the Dunwold Thump. Passing time until his inogreation, he has embarked on a thank-me tour. Among those he meets is the troll from Series 2 who has fallen on hard times. Thump likes trolls, especially when their skin is so pleasingly orange. To replace the TRUTH spell which the troll once had, Thump gives him a POST-TRUTH spell. Wall monsters will be saying "Post-truth accepted" for a long time to come.
Thump's friend Forage has arranged for them to visit the Knightmare Castle antechamber and watch a quest in progress. As the advisors talk to their dungeoneer, Thump flies into a rage, swinging his club around and smacking Forage in the face. The hobogre, who is literate (slightly), screams, "Fakehood! There was no urine in the room!!"
Treguard steps over Forage, stands in front of Thump and stares at him. "I believe the advisor was saying, 'You're in a room.' Now, are you not due a meeting with Maldame? If you'll kindly leave by that portal, Festus will escort you to the Golden Galleon."
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"Are you not due a meeting with Maldame?"
Or, as it's also spelt, Maldamay.
Thump and Maldamay appear to have a favourable meeting, compared by Thump to the famous Mogdred/Lillith partnership of an earlier age. At one point, Thump and Maldamay hold hands, shortly before an outbreak of projectile vomiting among onlookers. Thump, who has taken an Alternative Sight potion, believes they're cheering.
To further strengthen the New World and Old Realm's specious relationship, Thump also holds a meeting with a determined yet mercurial goblin/genie prince, known (via a scribing error) as the Mercurial Govlin. Though trapped in a bottle by the Powers that Be, "Gov" is able to communicate by misting up the glass and writing short words. Like Thump, Govlin is a supporter of the punched-through loaf known as Breadfist. (See 'Bad Dreem' on YouTube.) When the meeting is over, Govlin blows out a candle and is plunged back into darkness. Thump, who has been 'hydrating' with Alternative Sight all day, almost makes use of Govlin's bottle before being directed to a privy by his young consort Mellisania.
Thump also finds time to converse with Lord Fear, a role model of his. He takes in Fear's warnings about dungeoneers, referred to by the technosorcerer as little terrors. In order to keep terrors out of the New World, Thump imposes a transport ban. Oddly, this only seems to cover United Kingdom counties with no history of dungeoneering.
Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser has heard how much Thump loves Breadfist. He issues a demand that all members of the Powers that Be commit to it (over, say, croissants) before the day is out. Some do, some don't. Among the latter is one of Corbiss' closest allies, Diane the Abbess, who has fallen mysteriously ill. Corbiss hopes she will get well soon. This is achieved when a group of cavernwights tip her down a wellway.
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In a distant corner of the Knightmare realm lies Coatland: the settlement that supplies overgarments to dungeoneers who visit Winteria. Many years ago, the Powers that Be claimed ownership of Coatland by placing an ornate chair there. For some time, this chair was looked after by James the Reeder, who falsely claimed to have been a dungeoneer but was liked nonetheless. When he could no longer bear to serve under Corbiss the Bemuser, James relinquished the seat. It was promptly stolen by the Opposition. Many folk wanted Corbiss to take the blame, but he refused. Finally he was heard to say, "Mea culpa". It later transpired that he'd accidentally swallowed some water from Maldame's domain (after a desperate Diane the Abbess spiked his tea with cut-price Power To Rule) and was actually calling himself a Mire gulper.
Also thwarted in his quest for a seat was one of Forage's fellow vagabonds from UDUM: a man known as Scuttle. Scuttle claimed not only to be a wizard but also to have known every dungeoneer ever. When these were exposed as falsehoods, he blamed them on his alter ego: a jester known as Nuttley. There is no comment on this from Forage, who is too busy checking Thump's policies before they emerge.
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While Forage has his head buried in the Dunwold Thump's policies, Thump himself has launched into a tirade against Treguard, whom he claims has been listening to his spyglass and shellphone conversations. According to Thump, Treguard had been advised that he could form fresh alliances by doing so. After a request from Corbiss for convincing evidence, this document emerges.
Spyglass tap evidence.png
Treguard responds: "Falsehood! The Acme Persuader has not been used for years. But as it happens, I do know how to tap a troll." He goes off to find the Series 7 troll hammer.
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Meanwhile in Winteria, Queen Maesandre has bowed to the will of her people, who no longer want to be part of a united dungeon. To protect Winteria from invaders, a new border control is established in the form of Trial by Spikes from Series 7. This version contains over 49 spikes of ice and the queen activates the final one herself. As Maesandre triggers Icicle 50, her chilly kingdom looks to an uncertain future.
This includes a small settlement outside the main kingdom. Several Winterians, seeking warmer weather, live in the vicinity of a tavern known as the Gibbet and Altar. But the Opposition (which now seems to mean everybody outside Winteria) has a claim on the area. A retired Opposition henchman, Michael the Horrid, suggests that Maesandre and Lord Fear go to war over the Gibbet and Altar. Treguard remembers Michael the Horrid.
"He is rumoured to have something of the frightknight about him."
Corbiss the Bemuser misses all this, because he's busy sorting out free food for dungeoneers. Something to do with the scrapings from vats. He'd like to offer free milk too, but Lillith's been nicking it for years.
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[This really has to be one of the most enjoyable threads in the last few years so thankyou. I've ventured my own addition.]
Corbiss sighs as he contemplates the fact that over 5 times as few people would like him to lead the dungeon than Maesandre. Treguard ruminates that you just can't get the opposition these days...
Meanwhile, Dim Ferryman continues to try rallying his few supporters who were playthings of Sidriss back in the day - the litter all meddled cats. However not even dreadful jokes can save Dim and he cannot get any message across.
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