[Script] The Winning Quest
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Scene 1 Shot 1: Midshot of Trebake and Gerkin over shoudlers of advisors
Trebake is on his feet, standing over the team. Gerkin is next to him. Everyone is very excited.
TREBAKE
You have the cup Andrew! Now get it back to the antechamber and your quest will be complete!
Scene 2 Shot 1: Midshot of dungeonaut
Dramatic rights free library music plays.
The dungeonaut races through a tunnel (i.e. runs on the spot while the scenery moves past). In his right hand he carries a teacup.
SOUND FX: A party horn blows.
Scene 3 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin
GERKIN
Goblins master! Come to put an end to Andrew’s quest at the very last!
Scene 4 Shot 1: Midshot of Gobins
We see two dagger-wielding goblins scuttling through the tunnel. Under their hoods they are wearing rubber politician masks (Trump And May if we’re being topical).
Scene 5 Shot 1: Hand-held midshot of Gerkin
Gerkin beckons to and directly addresses the camera.
GERKIN
This way Andrew! Run!
Scene 6 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber
The dungeonaut runs into the antechamber, straight into Gerkin’s arms. Gerkin seizes the opportunity to give him a long, lingering hug and a bit of a bottom grope.
GERKIN
You did it Andrew, you did it!
Scene 7 Shot 1: Midshot of Trebake Gerkin/Dungeonaut
TREBAKE
(Prising Gerkin away:)
Yes, thank you Gerkin. Well done Andrew, a most impressive achievement! You no longer require this.
Trebake removes the Helmet of Faith.
TREBAKE
And now that you can see with your own eyes we may relieve you of this burden also.
Trebake removes the Sight Shield.
GERKIN
Let me help you with the bum sack.
Gerkin stands directly in front of the dungeonaut and puts his hands around their waist, undoing the bum sack fastening.
Scene 8 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin/Dungeonaut
GERKIN
Your celebratory dinner will best be enjoyed…(Gerkin pauses and stares into the dungeonaut’s eyes)…orally.
Gerkin fiddles with the fastening during an awkward, lingering moment.
TREBAKE (OV)
Ahem! Gerkin, the prize please.
Scene 9 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber
GERKIN
Oh, with pleasure master!
Gerkin leaves, taking the bum sack with him.
Scene 10 Shot 1: Midshot of Trebake
TREBAKE
Well team, you can be extremely proud of yourselves. You have done what many have attempted but few have managed. You may now call yourselves knights of the Notmare realm. Andrew, let me take your prized quest object, which you so valiantly retrieved from the clutches of Lord Wrath, and place it with the others upon the altar of victory.
Scene 11 Shot 1: Closeup shot of crap
Trebake takes the teacup from the dungeonaut and puts it on a table filled with unimpressive, random objects including a toy car, a stick of chalk and a slinky.
Scene 12 Shot 1: Midshot of Gerkin/Trebake
Gerkin returns carrying a single papier-mâché statuette. It is supposed to be some kind of knight but is hideously deformed; it looks like it was made by a small child.
TREBAKE
Ah, time for the prize-giving. You may do the honours Gerkin.
Scene 13 Shot 1: Closeup shot of Frightening Knight
GERKIN
(He knows how shit the prize is and milks the following exchange with glee:)
Behold! The Frightening Knight - a symbol of your victory over the dungeon!
Scene 14 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin/Advisor 1
ADVISOR 1
Is that it?!
GERKIN
Indeed it is. Awe-inspiring isn't it?
ADVISOR 1
Er, thanks but you can keep it.
GERKIN
Oh, I know you may not feel worthy, but you have earned it team. You are champions!
Gerkin gives the trophy to advisor 1 who regards it with disdain.
Scene 15 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin/Advisor 2
ADVISOR 2
Where’s mine?
GERKIN
There is only one, for not only do you get the mashed paper statue of knighthood, you also receive the gift of sharing - arguably the greatest gift of all!
Scene 16 Shot 1: Mid shot of Advisor 1/Advisor 2, which pans to include Advisor 3
ADVISOR 1
(Addressing advisor 2:)
You can have it if you want.
Advisor 1 gives the trophy to advisor 2. Advisor 2 looks at it for a moment and gives it to advisor 3. Advisor 3 looks at it for a moment before dropping it on the floor.
Scene 17 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors, Gerkin and Trebake
TREBAKE
Well, congratulations team!
GERKIN
Yes, congratulations!
Gerkin, ever the opportunist, kisses each of the advisors in turn. They all look very uncomfortable.
GERKIN
Well master, are you going to send our young champions back to their own time so that they may bask in the glory of success among their peers?
Scene 18 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake over shoulder of Gerkin
TREBAKE
Not just yet Gerkin. There are in fact some more prizes to present.
Scene 19 Shot 1: Mid shot of Gerkin over shoulder of Trebake
GERKIN
(Genuinely puzzled:)
There are?
Scene 20 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
TREBAKE
Of course. Success in the dungeon deserves something special.
Trebake reaches into his pocket and produces a nice wristwatch.
TREBAKE
(Addressing advisor 1:)
Michael, for your impeccable timing, a watch.
Scene 21 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake and Advisor 1
Trebake gives the watch to advisor 1.
ADVISOR 1
Wow, thanks!
Scene 22 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin
GERKIN
I've got a watch just like that.
Scene 23 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
TREBAKE
(Dismissively:)
Really? How interesting.
Trebake reaches into a pocket and produces a pair of cufflinks.
TREBAKE
(Addressing advisor 2:)
Simon, for the way you brought your team together, these cufflinks.
Scene 24 Shot 1: Mid shot of Trebake and Advisor 2
Trebake gives the cufflinks to advisor 2.
ADVISOR 2
Thank you!
Scene 25 Shot 1: Closeup of Gerkin
GERKIN
I've got a pair of cufflinks just like that…
Scene 26 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
TREBAKE
(Dismissively:)
What a coincidence.
Scene 27 Shot 1: Midshot of Gerkin, Advisors, and Trebake
Trebake moves to edge of the screen and wheels on a bicycle.
GERKIN
That's my…
TREBAKE
(Loudly, to drown out Gerkin:)
And for you David, for your, er, sense of balance and…pedals, this bicycle.
Scene 28 Shot 1: Closeup of Advisor 3
ADVISOR 3
That's amazing, thank you so much!
Scene 29 Shot 1: Midshot of Gerkin, Advisors, and Trebake
GERKIN
Wait a minute, you can't just…
TREBAKE
(Loudly, to drown out Gerkin:)
And now it is time to sent you pack to your own world. Spelling!…
Midshot of Gerkin, Advisors, and Trebake
GERKIN
(In desperation:)
Wait! Wait, I've just, er, realised something! They don't actually deserve to win do they?
TREBAKE
What on earth do you mean Gerkin?
GERKIN
Well, that short cut they took between level one and three - it shouldn't have been allowed! It's not fair on all the other teams. It…it undermines the premise of the whole show. They aren't champions, they're cheaters! All these prizes should be returned!
TREBAKE
Haha, Gerkin’s just having a little joke.
GERKIN
It's all to do with the quota!
TREBAKE
What quota? What are you drivelling about?
GERKIN
The quota of one winning team per series. If we don't have one, we lose our sponsorship.
TREBAKE
Quota? Sponsorship? I’m sure I don't know what you mean Gerkin. Now I suggest you calm down and have a nice can of Vimto - it's refreshing and made with real fruit juice.
Trebake produces a can of Vimto and gives it to Gerkin.
GERKIN
But…
TREBAKE
And now - if I may continue - one final spell for the victors. Spelling! V-I-M-T-O-R-Y.
Shot of the three advisors. The letters of the spell appear on screen. Jump cut to shot of three empty chairs; however, the new shot is a bit too early on the recorded footage and we catch a glimpse of the last advisor walking off. We hear a whoosh.
Shot of Trebake and Gerkin.
TREBAKE
Well Gerkin, I think it is time for our witnesses to leave us for now.
GERKIN
I wouldn’t know, I don't have a watch.
Gerkin leaves in disgust.
TREBAKE
(Directly addressing camera:)
Farewell, vicarious victors. May you travel safely until next we meet.
GERKIN
(Voiceover:)
Guess I'll be walking!
TREBAKE
And remember, it's only a…
GERKIN
(Voiceover, drowning out Trebake:)
Fix!
TREBAKE
…isn't it?
Trebake walks off. The camera pans over to where the dungeonaut has been standing forgotten all this time.
DUNGEONAUT
(Meekly:)
Do I get a prize?
FADE TO BLACK.
END.
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