You lot will never guess where I went at the weekend! Bodiam Castle! I went in through the front entrance (oo-err!), walked into the left hand corner and found myself in the season 5 clue room! I'll get a picture of the one I mean soon, but I was surprised when I recognised it!

Heh heh heh!

The only thing I'm a bit annoyed about is that I didn't ask my other half to take a photo, so I can't prove it to you.

It's not the bribes themselves I'm talking about, it's just that the way they're done is implausible. As soon as the guard has the bar of gold, there's nothing to stop him attacking the dungeoneer anyway. And seeing that Lord F or Mogdred will be angry if they find out that the guard has accepted a bribe, it doesn't make sense that they let the dungeoneer pass instead. That's all I'm pointing out.

Mmm hmm - maybe. But perhaps the guard in question was thinking for the future: if they cross paths with the dungeoneer again (unlikely, but... you know) then they could expect to be given bribes again. Alternatively, if word got 'round to such guards that dungeoneers generally knew what previous dungeoneers had got up to in the dungeon, then it would make sense to cultivate a culture of accepting bribery.

And if said guards managed to make enough profit from accepting bribes then perhaps they wouldn't have to work for Lord F anyway. Perhaps.

Does Lord Fear have a seat in Parliament?

If the Mines of Gore were linked to Dunshelm Castle by a short dwarf tunnel, why didn't adventurers just go straight down there-- bypassing Level 1 and 2?

Because the Knightmare quests were to test challengers for knightly qualities. Sending them straight down to level three would bypass 2/3 of the challenge, and negate the achievement of even getting to level 3 - not every dungeoneer could say they managed that.

I'm working my way through the whole set of seasons and am currently on season 5 (episode 12, I think). I was thinking, 'ah, season 8 isn't going to be up to much, that's a shame - the marathon will end in a downer'. But from your writeup it seems that maybe I've been pessimistic in that view.

I look forward to it afresh!

...and chapter 3 is now up! The final one, the end confrontation!

Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it! If anyone wants any more fanfiction from me, please do let me know. I've got several fandoms I intend to write for but I enjoyed this one. Just drop me a line (or, even better, a review.)

Is it Ah Wok's mobile emporium itself that plays that would-be oriental music when it's being rolled around?

Not exactly. Hidden within his emporium is one of those bathing macaques. He sits in a hot tub and, when the emporium is carted along, he reaches across to a lever and turns it like one of those monkeys you used to see. He's a bit too 'Mr. Toad' to stick his hat out of the side to beg for money, though.

More Ultimate Knightmare Riddles welcome.

Alright, then

Re: series 4 and 5. Why is half the cast from Dorset all of a sudden, when Dunshelm is supposed to be in up north? We have Pixel, Oakley and the boatman, all with distinct West Country accents. Pourquoi?

Dungeoneer cornered by goblins, apparently completely unable to escape.

"They call me Cuban Pete, I'm the king of the rhumba beat, when I sing I go chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom!"

Quit Smoking in 7 Days by Owen

Improving the Harmony of a Multi-Elemental Society - complete with audio version by a skull-haunting

You Too Can Overcome Extreme Ticklishness by the automaton

Get Away from That Wall! 10 Tips For Effective Mingling at a Party by Golgarach

Awesome by Default by Sylvester Hands

How to Be an Incredible Lover by A. Cavernwight

Trends and Fashions Within the Funeral Industry 500 BC - 1000AD by Motley

Exquisite Vegetarian Cookery by Theodore D. Catacomb-Bite

Confessions of a Keystone by the lion's head laser-shooter

Wear that Apron with Pride! the Househusband's Handbook by Treguard of Dunshelm

Jenny the Sparrow's First Birthday by Hordriss the Confuser

Magnificent Holiday Destinations by D. Cavernwight

The man from Del Monte.

Whistles innocently

Jonathan the dungeoneer walked a few more steps and then came to a halt. "Where am I?" he asked.

"You're in what looks like a shop - a fruit shop - and there's a man in a... Hawaiian shirt, and, erm... flip-flops. And he's arranging some kind of fruit into a pyramid shape in a sort of display."

Treguard hyperventilated in the background. "Warning, team! This is the Del Monte man. He can be a friend or a foe, but you must gift him with unfamiliar fruit or he may well turn on you. Beware his main weapon - the bottle of Sunny Delight. If he puts that in you knapsack it'll overload your energy sprite and destroy you!"

The advisors looked at eachother hopelessly: they'd just left a clue room in which they'd found a bag of lychees. They'd put it in the knapsack without realising that it was a clue object rather than an item of food in the classic sense.

The Del Monte man turned and saw them. "Ah, hello stranger! I wonder if we can do a trade: do you have anything for me to sell in my shop?"

"What should I say?" Jonathan asked. With the negative confirmed by his advisors he replied, "No, sorry."

The Del Monte man tutted. "Ah well. Well, in that case let me offer you a complimentary bottle of Sunny D. Here, let me put it in your knapsack for you-"

"DIRE EMERGENCY!" Treguard cried from behind the advisors. The advisors looked at eachother in a panic.

"Jonathan, do something!"

Jonathan had an idea. "Um, excuse me," he said, stepping nimbly aside to avoid the Del Monte man's excavation into his knapsack. "I've got some strange fruit for you."

The Del Monte man paused. "Oh, you have?"

"Yes," Jonathan said. He reached up for the knapsack's strap and pulled it out of the way, revealing the logo on his Tshirt. "There you go, it's a Strange Fruit Tshirt!"

The Del Monte man tutted and shook his head. "No, I'm afraid that doesn't count. People can't eat cotton, you know. No, I'll send you on your way with this bottle of orange juice."

"Um, actually," Jonathan stopped him again, inching away from the fruit salesman. Between them they looked as if they were performing a bizarre dance. "I do have some other fruit." The advisors looked at eachother and then at Treguard, who looked equally baffled.

"Err, you have? What have you got? Come on, I haven't got all day!" the Del Monte man snapped, getting impatient. He noted that the dungeoneer was playing with his clothes again. "W-what are you doing..?" he asked uncertainly.

"Here you go - look at my plums!" Jonathan said with a cheeky grin on his face. The Del Monte man dropped his bottle of Sunny D in horror.

"You dirty boy! Get out of my shop! Go on, you can keep your life force, just go!" And with that, he took a broom off the shelf and began to sweep Jonathan harmlessly toward the exit. "Go on! Out! Out!"

"Well done, team! You've beaten the Del Monte man!" Treguard boomed.

When they're asleep, why do cavernwights make noises like the catacombite?

Have you seen those trunks? Anything with a nose like that is going to snore like an old tractor.

I know that, early in season 3, we met Motley and Treguard told us that he was Folly's replacement, but was there ever more information on what happened to Folly?

Want to be my spin doctor?

Nah. I could never get used to the underwear.

Wait a minute! I've got the most splendid idea!

If everybody who gets aggressive in pubs did that then there'd be no violence in high streets up and down the country on a Friday and Saturday night, right? The NHS would save money and everything!

If we can get today's impressionable youth to watch Knightmare and tell them* that's* how mindless violence works, nobody'll ever get glassed, punched or stabbed again! The victim would be half way home by the time the aggressor lands a punch!

BRING BACK KNIGHTMARE!

I have to agree that that's the most implausible part of the Knightmare set-up. Unless they were unwilling to risk being injured by the dungeoneer? That doesn't really cut the mustard, I don't think, as most guards were armed. But maybe it's a small possibility?

Almost as implausible, though understandable, is the way anyone physically threatening a dungeoneer (Cedric with his staff, Fatilla with his cudgel etc.) would just hop about going, 'right, here I come!' for about 10 seconds. I don't think a real guard would do that.

As I say, understandable given the slow nature of most the teams, but still looked a bit silly.

How cynical of you...

Well, maybe. Perhaps Julius Scaramonger or Honesty Bartram had further-reaching trade routes than we give them credit for.

Unbelievable.

Where did all those pineapples come from?

I think I know what I'm prepared to put it down to, if it doesn't sound too xenophobic: the Americans.

Before I get shouted at, I'll explain: the Americans have a higher incidence of manic depression (bipolar disorder) than we do. This is frequently reflected in American fiction in which there's often a slapstick 'crazy' quality to at least one of the cast. As time has gone on - even up to the present day - we see more and more emphasis on goofy humour.

America's taste for this kind of humour has translated to our fiction, too - indeed, we do share a lot of fiction with them (e.g., Hollywood). I think that what we saw in Knightmare in terms of the gradual casting-off of edginess in favour of comedy might be an example of this.

But I definitely agree that characters lost their edginess. I'd forgotten how grim Hands was - and I'm watching season 5 at the moment. I don't think he inspected dungeoneers later on, checking them for weapons. But he gives me the creeps. Props to him back then.

Somewhere before I mentioned Motley and the fact that, early on in season 3 when Cliff stumbled upon him, he took a dislike to the dungeoneer - even to the point of not giving Cliff a chance to listen to his advisors when he asked them, "What should I say?". I'd like to have seen more of that from Motley. I still hold that he's a more influential character than most would believe. As for Lissard calling dungeoneers 'kidsies' later on... I find that abhorrent, having watched the first few series afresh. Don't even get me started on Snapper Jack's snapdragon glovepuppet.

I think that Knightmare is refreshingly grim, especially seen in these times of Horton Hears a Who, Bee Movie, Toy Story and all the rest. We need more of that kind of darkness. But I have a horrible feeling that, if we did have a new series of Knightmare then we'd get an awful, goofy parody of it.