Musical Parody

Based on Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes (not his birth name), this is about the first team of Series 6. Original lyrics, original song We arrived at the studio With a dungeon to beat But our dungeoneer Matt, well He was getting cold feet So while he sat there fretting We snuck a look at the script And once we knew what was coming We went to Matt with some tips If you like mean metal guardians And getting caught in a rope If you're not into ogres If you walk tall with hope If you like saying food the French way Like croissant or like crepe Then in a hut down in Holmgarth We will spellcast ESCAPE He didn't think that it was shady To know the dangers ahead And Matt's decision was made, he Would saunter into the quest of which we'd read When he rolled out the parchment We knew that he could relax We had a spell and he'd know it It's the reverse of EPACSE Yes, he liked green talking dragons And wearing urns on his bonce He's not much into potions He is into croissants We got him all the way to Level 2 Where we found lots of grape...s And when Fear left him frozen We'd helped him to escape Later, Hands tried to tie rope Magic scared him away Then Matt flew to a portal And to a second causeway It was the site of our downfall And in the short aftermath We all posed for the camera And off we swaggered to Bath Yes, we liked mean metal guardians And buying mints off Ah Wok Dragon flights over oceans And the new life force clock And we liked shaking up the moondust To get out of a scrape Got adventure we'd looked for And a spell called ESCAPE

Coincidentally, I'm going to post about causeways moments after James has. A Series 6 team is confronted by a causeway, but something has changed. A parody of The Living Daylights by a-ha. Lyrics (single), Official audio [Dungeoneer:] Advisors, where're we going Eyes covered, lips are showing If we fail, let's still walk tall The rising's in the way we fall Comes the causeway and the tiles will drop away Is it numbers? Colours? Red, blue, green and grey? If we wait too long, I'm going down today [Advisors:] There's a timer! Let it never get its way The flipping frightknights The flipping frightknights [Pickle:] Not right, why's a timer here? [Treguard:] It's down, down to that Lord Fear Be fleet-footed, use your head The living's in the way you tread [Advisors:] Comes the causeway and the hexagons will drop Hear us when we move you and when we say "stop" If we take too long, the dungeon gets its way [Dungeoneer:] Watch the timer, let it never make us stray [Advisors:] The flipping frightknights The flipping frightknights The flipping frightknights Down the sword goes and the music's quite intense Millions watch and wait to see if we'll be dense The flipping frightknights The flipping frightknights Our resolve has got to stay Frightknights don't forgive delay Our resolve has got to stay Frightknights don't forgive delay

I just found this piece of silliness, started a few weeks ago after a conversation in Knightmare Chat... I've forgotten the details but I seem to recall Robin saying something about "Grimaldine karaoke" which made this come into my head! I'm picturing a dungeoneer at Grimaldine's funeral, suddenly feeling bad about their awkward past encounters. g (Original lyrics, karaoke track) Maybe I didn't greet you Quite the way you prepared for Maybe I didn't give you Quite the object that you cared for Little things you could have said and done You just stayed mute and serene You were always of the green You were always of the green Maybe I shouldn't scold you For those stony, slow replies Man, I guess they never told you That you'd have to improvise If I made you feel sick and stressed Well, I'm so sorry for that scene You were always of the green You were always of the green Tell me, tell me that you'll be back from the dead Give me, give me one more chance to see your baldy head Baldy head It'll sting now you are dead and gone Bye forever, Grimaldine You were always of the green You were always of the green You were always of the green

A bloodthirsty watcher eggs on Cedric in Series 2 (as he's about to clobber Neil), Grimwold in Series 3 (as he closes in on Kelly) and Fatilla in Series 4. Based on Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick by Ian Dury and The Blockheads (a band whose lyrics I've parodied before). Original lyrics; official video In the caverns of Level 2 At the wellway next to you Is a team without a clue How to spell things right on cue Hit him with your quarterstaff Hit him, hit him Shout, insult him, have a laugh Hit him, hit him, hit him Hit him with your quarterstaff Hit him twice and make it half Hit him, hit him, hit him In a room on Level 1 Is a quest that's all but done Need a crayon, they've got none Time for Grimwold, nowhere to run Hit her with your ogre's club Hit her, hit her There's a helmet, she won't blub Hit her, hit her, hit her Hit her with your ogre's club Make sure Festus gets some grub Hit her, hit her, hit her Hit him, hit her, hit them Near the pink and purple hearth In the ruins of old Dungarth Guarding wells or guarding paths Send them home for early baths Blip them with your blipping stick Blip them, blip them Hurry, they might think you're thick Blip them, blip them, blip them Blip them with your blipping stick Blip them, blop them, don't be slick Blip them, blip them, blip them!

Sung from the point of view of dungeoneer Mark Wickson, on the verge of FREE being spellcast to make his team the first winners of Knightmare. Based on Freedom! '90 by George Michael. Video, lyrics I won't let you down I will not mess it up Gotta have some faith in the team It's the one good thing that I've got I won't let you down So please don't give me up Because I would really, really love to live the dream Heaven knows I was just a young boy There was more that I wanted to be I went every day to some old school in Oxfordshire And no way was it enough for me I watched Knightmare Said "I'll go there" Found three friends who wouldn't scare On your Children's ITV But today the way I play the game is not the same No way Think I'm gonna get me victory I think there's something to admit I think that there's no shame in it Back when you watched all this begin Did you think anyone would win? "Oh... what a pity, never mind" "A dagger's no use if you're blind" I just thought, for goodness' sake I'll beat the dungeon, make no mistake All we have to do now Is take these letters and make a spell somehow All we have to see Is that the F's before the R And then it's the double E E E FREE spell I won't let you down FREE spell I will not mess it up FREE spell Gotta have some faith in the team (We've got the silver spurs to take) It's the one good thing that I've got FREE spell I won't let you down FREE spell So please don't give me up FREE spell Because I would really, really love to live the dream Level 1 had started with Folly In the kitchen a maid greeted me She was cooking toads, she must have been off her trolley She was living in a fantasy We rang a bell Went down a well And Merlin gave us a FREEZER spell Then we got to Level 3 But today the way I play the game has got to change Oh yeah Now I need a sprig of energy I stopped a gargoyle feeling blue Met Merlin for another clue I have the letters F, R, E And guessed what they'll turn out to be A SUN spell helped me find the way A SLEEP spell kept the croc at bay I just hope you won't suggest Sometimes the maid is not worth the quest All we have to do now Is take these letters and make a spell somehow All we have to see Is that the F's before the R And then it's the double E E E FREE spell I won't let you down FREE spell I will not mess it up FREE spell Gotta have some faith in the team (We've got the silver spurs to take) It's the one good thing that I've got FREE spell I won't let you down FREE spell So please don't give me up FREE spell Because I would really, really love to live the dream Well it looks like the road to heaven Leading out past the guillotine And I knew this way Mogdred was mastered We'd have a victory scene Don't forget my name: Mark Wickson First winning dungeoneer And there were seven more Through Treguard's door All following my team of four Don't you forget Don't you forget Don't you forget Don't you forget Don't you forget Four of a kind Don't you forget we're four of a kind Don't you forget Don't you forget And after all this time I just hope you won't suggest Sometimes the maid Is not worth the quest All we have to do now Is take these letters and make a spell somehow All we have to see Is that the F's before the R And then it's the double E E E FREE spell FREE spell Our FREE spell We've got the silver spurs to take FREE spell We're casting our FREE spell Our FREE spell We've got the silver spurs to take We've got the silver spurs, the silver spurs May not be what you want to see Sorry, folks but Gretel's free There's her face now I get to live

Since socialist anthem the The Red Flag already has "dungeons dark" in its lyrics, I've made a Knightmare parody of it. This version honours Hordriss. The original words are on Wikipedia. There's a performance here of all six verses. The people's mage wears deepest red With matching streaks upon his head But do not think him stiff and cold His heart is made of purest gold [Chorus:] So praise the stars that Hordriss came To light our way with magic flame Though goblins flinch and run to Fear You're safe with Red Mage, dungeoneer He scared a skull ghost from his place Gave added scales to Brother Mace To Motley's voice he took offence He cursed Sir Hugh and made him dense [Chorus] It's Simon he first looked upon In Series 3, then he was gone He wasn't scared of Leo's sword He only left 'cause he got bored [Chorus] The spells he gives can save the day Though what BUT did, we cannot say A spanner might stop moving floors But Hordriss magic opens doors [Chorus] It suited him to help the good And fitted with his fatherhood While beggar, tortoise, witch or cat He still was great, remember that [Chorus] With head in helmet swear we all To praise him in each hallowed hall In dungeons dark or caverns grim And will not call his daughter dim [Chorus]

I wrote this version of the Kym Marsh song Come On Over last week after watching the clip with Simon being told to sidestep left by Andrew for first time. Not sure if this song's been parodied before but i just put my feelings on paper while listening to Kym Marsh shortly after seeing clip. I had put on paper the line you say you want help but changed it to you say sidestep left after seeing the episodes with Simon's team in them. Pickle was good getting the team out of a pickle with a guard. Don't Do What Andrew Says/ Come On Over/ Kym Marsh We had a breakdown In communication Nothing to say now Just humiliation I hear Pickle snickering Over and over again And Treguard's wondering [Where do we get them from?] If you say left when you mean right It's all going to end in tears And time ain't waiting for you Simon So don't do what Andrew says It should be easy Guiding a dungeoneer You say Sidestep left Are you sure you want him to Oh Simon I hear Pickle snickering Over and over again And Treguard's wondering [Where do we get them from?] If you say left when you mean right It's all going to end in tears And time ain't waiting for you Simon So don't do what Andrew says If you say left when you mean right It's all going to end in tears [It will end in tears] And time ain't waiting for you Simon So don't do what Andrew says Yeah yeah yeah yeah Ooh Nasty Yeah yeah yeah Oh my goodness Yeah yeah yeah yeah Andrew what you thinking I hear Pickle snickering Over and over again And Treguard's wondering [Where do we get them from?] If you say left when you mean right It's all going to end in tears [It will end in tears] And time ain't waiting for you Simon So don't do what Andrew says If you say left when you mean right It's all going to end in tears [It will end in tears] And time ain't waiting for you Simon So don't do what Andrew says OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO NASTY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO NASTY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO NASTY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO NASTY Are the original words of the song to go here as well? Just I seen some songs with original words at bottom. Original words Come on over/Kim Marsh We have a breakdown In communication Nothing to say now Just the hesitation. I hear you calling my name, Over and over again. And I keep wondering (yeah) If your feeling the way I'm feeling Can we make it right Coz time aint waiting for you baby So come on over tonight It should be easy When I'm trying to love you You say you need me Are you sure you want to Oh baby I hear you calling my name Over and over again And I keep wondering (yeah) If your feeling the way I'm feeling Can we make it right Coz time aint waiting for you baby So come on over tonight If your feeling the way I'm feeling Can we make it right (Can we make it right) Coz time aint waiting for you baby So come on over tonight (yeah, yeah, yeah) Ohhh (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh ohh ohhhhh (yeah, yeah, yeah) Baby come on over I hear you calling my name, over and over again. And I keep wondering If your feeling the way I'm feeling Can we make it right (Can we make it right) Coz time aint waiting for you baby So come on over tonight If your feeling the way im feelin Can we make it right (Can we make it right) Coz time aint waiting for you baby So come on over tonight (Ohhhhhhhhhh come on over) come on over (Ohhhhhhhhh come on over) come on over baby (Ohhhhhhhh come on over) come on over (Ohhhhhhhh come on over) ohhhhh come on over I have another parody written down on paper that i plan to post soon.

McGrew sings about his misadventures with Cliff and then Ross in Series 3, to the tune of Love In The First Degree by Bananarama from 1987. Video, lyrics Last week, I was prowling I was looking for men to loot When I walked in, I was growling Acting like a brute Dungeoneer and advisors They all put a spell on me They wouldn't take my provisos They wouldn't hear my plea Only you can set me free 'Cause I'm kilted as I D-A-N-C-E Come on, laddies, can't you see You stand to lose The dungeons of Series 3 (Kilted in dungeons of Series 3) Later, hunting Campbells I met Ross on Level Two I joined him and his three pals They made friends with McGrew We met a man on a crossing A wee bit insidious Didn't seem to like Ross and I'm amphibious Only you can set me free If you dispel (dispel) So I'm no T-O-A-D I'll fight bats and swords for ye And help you to The dungeons of Level 3 (Kilted in dungeons of Series 3)

A parody of I've Never Been To Me, first recorded by Randy Crawford and then by Charlene (who, opposite to David Learner a.k.a. Pickle, worked in a UK sweet shop before making it big as a performer). Original lyrics; official audio Hey people, young people, starin' at your screen You're a discontented student and a regimented teen I've no doubt you weren't about in 1989 But I'm glad I was, and it's all because, TV back then was divine Ooh I've been on tours down the corridors Where the poison bats bring new doom Heard the voices and questioned choices teams made in their clue rooms I feared for Mellisandre, and feared Morghanna, on Ross's quest to collect FREE I've seen a pair of dice Watching Knightmare Series 3 Please people, young people, don't just walk away 'Cause I have this need to tell you why the TV's worse today There's so little new to see, no power to surprise Don't you want to know of the children's show that enthralled ten million eyes? Oh I've seen Medusa and a Confuser Who scared the goblins away I found it daunting when deadly hauntings Would hang around the wellway I've been addressed by Treguard and had my day marred By Mogdred's demonic glee I've seen a pair of dice Watching Knightmare Series 3 Hey, you know when Knightmare was? It was Fridays A fantasy they created about people and places and a kid that can't see And what Series 3 is? It's that brittle maybe of hoping And it's that loss, reality dawning Adventures worth having, though they made no knights That's truth, accepted Sometimes I feel I'm smartin' for teams like Martin's Whose quests were almost complete Oh they knew no beetles but their defeat'll stay with me as a feat I spend my life deploring The strife so boring That we've had since on TV Hey people, I miss the pair of dice Rolled in Knightmare Series 3 [Fading out] Saw one elf-maiden who took a blade an' Attacked an ogreish foe I miss the pair of dice, Knightmare Series 3 I've watched a viking who had no liking When magic made a boy grow I miss the pair of dice, Knightmare Series 3 Heard jokes from jesters And roars from Festus And Merlin spell ENERGY...

That has to greatest O on screen I've ever seen and I'm including any adult films in that!

This one is not by me but I am keen to document it here, belatedly, alongside the other parodies. It's by Laura (@uisgebeatha on Twitter), who kindly recorded one of my parodies before writing and recording this parody of Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now) by Phil Collins (official video). Part of the Truth Accepted podcast series, Give A Clue To Me Now can be found here: https://truthaccepted.wordpress.com/2013/09/09/filk-accepted/

Before an audience of Knightmare characters and contestants from series past, Barry Thorne, drinker of the Fast Backwards potion, performs a parody of I'm Walking Backwards for Christmas by The Goons (1956). Original lyrics; official audio I'm walking backwards for Knightmare Across the levels three I'm walking backwards for Knightmare But not turning back, you see They've tried walking sideways And stepping down a hole But backwards it's got to be To save us from the king of the trolls I'm walking backwards for Knightmare There's nothing I can't do A Worcestershire lad, I set out on a quest A voice I did not lack With my gob-and-a-half Got Grimaldine his staff And flew off on a dragon's back I spied on Lord Fear himself, on his phone With his lone Atlantean...an And madly he schemed Or at least that's the way it seemed, blimey That a dangerous troll would rise And we'd be pulverised I'm walking backwards for Knightmare Rewind the universe I'm walking backwards for Knightmare Smirky looks good in reverse And so I brought back the hammer And Bulstrode he got trolled Majida looked sad, until We saw the shield had gone gold So if you walk backwards for Knightmare You could be epic too Thank you. And for an encore... Akash: 'Ere, I didn't think much of that. I think that my quest was better. Lillith: Get that child OUT OF HERE!

With the Series 3 fresh in our minds from the Challenge repeats, I wanted to remind people about this excellent song parody by Billy. Enjoy it while you can, before Taylor Swift copyrights 1989 and has it dismissed.

I always enjoy this song, and when I heard it on the radio the other day, inspiration weirdly struck. From Hordriss' POV, during Barry's quest. (Original lyrics, audio) How she walked, how she talked When she'd come to greet My winsome, buxom waitress Always helped me to my seat She was gorgeous, so I'd Go in there every day Besotted with her, my waitress I'd never felt this way Then some boy comes walkin' through our flirty tavern scene And turns my buxom waitress to a shade of minty green My blood runs cold Calamity! I've just been told My waitress is the seneschal Waitress is the seneschal My blood runs cold My enemy's been much too bold Waitress is the seneschal Slipped her notes where I confessed That I was thinkin' of her undressed I won't lie, she turned me on My daughter thought me ill I was shakin' in my robes Whenever she flashed those magic globes Soon she had a hold on me The waitress had some skill Those hot and hungry pleasures, the magic of her touch To see her with that scaly face is really just too much My blood runs cold Yea, calamity! I've just been told My waitress is the seneschal Waitress is the seneschal My blood runs cold My enemy's been much too bold Waitress is the seneschal (Na na, n-not Marta, n-na na na, n-n-not Marta) (Na na na, n-not Marta, n-na na na, n-n-not Marta) (Na na, n-not Marta, n-na na na, n-n-not Marta) (Na na na, n-not Marta, n-na na na, n-n-not Marta) It's okay, he understands This kid won't spread it through the land I hope that when this Lissard's gone He'll soon forget just what went on Take him far, yes I will We'll sort this out discreetly Take him out of Level Two Or kill him off if need be A part of me wants to be sick Erase this from my mind, and quick Oh no, I can't escape it Oh yeah, at least we didn't tape it My blood runs cold Calamity! I've just been told My waitress is the seneschal Waitress is the seneschal My blood runs cold My enemy's been much too bold My waitress is the seneschal! (Na na, n-not Marta, n-na na na, n-n-not Marta)

A fan of Elita sympathises with what the cavern elf has to put up with, with reference to Series 5 Quest 3, Series 6 Quest 6 and Series 5 Quest 6 (I've included links to official CITV clips of the scenes in question). Based on Dolce Vita by Ryan Paris. Original lyrics, official audio [Clip] You seem to like the occult, Elita The symbols on the floor But you're disturbed by some dolts, Elita Gonna scream, "No more!" They bring their quest to a halt, Elita Discussing their red gem I wouldn't say it's your fault, Elita You got fed up of them 'Twas their last chance Together with your gob again They won't advance Beyond the blades and darkness Say you'll let them all get sliced Say you won't be soft or nice Sophia gave you a jolt, Elita Said, "You're a faceache too" Then in your wound she rubbed salt, Elita Called you a dragon's poo [Clip] Then from the blue came a bolt, Elita Skarkill with Grippa and Rhark Use magic pipes on the dolt, Elita He'll dance into the dark 'Twas the last time A dungeoneer was rude to you Too great a crime And soon she dropped in darkness Say you'll always troublemake Tell the world they're faceaches 'Twas the last time A dungeoneer was rude to you Too great a crime And soon she dropped in darkness Say you'll never scrape or bow Tell the world they're faceaches now How do you cope with the dolts, Elita That keep bugging you? Must be because you're a record beater At turning the air blue [Clip] You lost your voice And didn't shut up even then Given the choice Before you leave the Dungeon We must all accept the truth There's no bouche like your bouche

Not one I'm especially pleased with but I'm glad it has been enjoyed, especially by someone who remembers the original song's release. Mistress Goody only appeared in two quests ('often' is pushing it) and was never listed in the credits (though Treguard named her on screen and she named herself). Whether she was powerful enough to capture Merlin, or was simply on guard duty, is never made clear. There is a possible link between her and a character in one of the Knightmare computer games. Here are clips of Goody's first and last appearances.

Lamenting the unfair demise of Series 2 Team 9. Altogether now...! (Original lyrics | Audio) If they hate you, though your quest's okay Can't carry on any longer They're just gonna kill you anyway Bye bye Jamie, Jamie goodbye (Bye Jamie, Jamie bye bye) Bye bye Jamie, your fate is nigh (Bye Jamie, Jamie bye bye) Used the one spell you found already You'd be ready to go if you had FREE I wish it could be You could spellcast, but why begin it? Automatum has screwed you, innit (She's got out and you've got nowt, so aaaargh...) Bye bye Jamie, Jamie goodbye (Bye Jamie, Jamie bye bye) Bye bye Jamie, Tim made you die (Bye Jamie, Jamie bye bye) Guess you shouldn't have rescued Gretel Wish they let you secure that MEDAL Gee, how could you retrieve all three? Treguard told you to fly, not linger Shoulda just given him the finger (Seems you'll be a spider's tea, so aaaargh...) Bye bye Jamie, Jamie goodbye (Bye Jamie, Jamie bye bye) Bye bye Jamie, no reason why (Bye Jamie, Jamie bye bye) Oh ahhhh... (Bye Jamie, Jamie bye bye) Bye, Jamie, bye... (Bye Jamie, Jamie bye bye) No reason why... (Bye Jamie, Jamie bye bye)

This is sung from Cliff's perspective at the sword-filled end of his Series 3 quest, and is based on If You Leave by OMD. The song is best known from the film Pretty In Pink, starring Molly Grimwold. Sorry, Motley Ringwold. You know who I mean. Music video, lyrics [Cliff sings to McGrew:] If you cleave, don't cleave now Please don't take my hide away Leave me to become a knight And we'll go our separate ways We always had time to decide But now it's fading fast Doom has beckoned, we don't notice: You're Scottish, but a non-Scot's been cast We spellcast D-A-N-C-E I won't stay put to hear your pleas I heed you not and I just cannot see That I was wrong to get away Scot-free [Cliff sings to the floating sword:] If you cleave, I will die I won't last another day But if you leave, please don't hack Make it clean and the blood won't spray Standing here I must acknowledge We should have helped McGrew Heaven knows what happens now I've got to, I've gotta flee from you I dodge you once, I dodge you twice I miss the green room with the dice I need McGrew like I needed him then I wonder if his jig will end You stab me once, you stab me twice The quest is over in a trice I need McGrew like I needed him then Perhaps one quest he'll make a friend A sword came once, a sword came twice And neither time was very nice Now we're dismissed, so it's dinnertime then But I can't face fresh meat again Today

Haha! I like that one buddy XD certainly made my day chuntering along to this. Good job Drassil

Last year, we learned that Helen from Series 4 commented aloud during a practice room about a chicken being plastic. In this parody of PoP! Goes My Heart by PoP! (the fictional '80s band from the film Music and Lyrics), a conflicted dungeoneer is trying, for the sake of the watchers, to ignore the inner voice that is telling him/her that the clue objects aren't real. Official audio of full song I never thought that I could be so mystified Every time that I look at the fakers' pies The shock inside me that quills just can't inscribe And I must keep feigning Some device I'm meant to use to be a spy Even though my advisors said "magnify" Those shiny bars cause much denial They aren't gold and silver I said I wasn't gonna doubt the bread But then "Prop!" goes my heart I wasn't gonna scorn what Treguard said And I just can't let it show They don't use the real things The precious stones may look real to you But you're far away And I'm biting my tongue today You mustn't see that the chicken's not quite true My belief is straining I said I wasn't gonna doubt the bread But then "Prop!" goes my heart I wasn't gonna scorn what Treguard said And I just can't let you know They don't use the real things