Corbiss the Bemuser
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The Dunwold Thump has moved into an opulent new abode: the Covfefe of Confusion. It is built on dudgeon and deceit, which he alone has mastered. Rumour has it that everything is gold, even the showers.
Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser decides to attend a public meeting of those who hope to lead Winteria. Also there are Scuttle the jester, the Dim Ferryman and Mistress Caroline of the Pookas (she speaks for the greens).
Queen Maesandre herself is not there, put off by the prospect of warmth. In her place is a risk-taking member of Maesandre's personal coven (the Mae' Sisters) known as Amber the Gambler.
The meeting takes place in the Vale of Mogdred, under what is known as the game bridge. Sadly, Mogdred is not there to hear all the pledges.
Corbiss brings with him a shovel provided by his supporters in HOGG. It was last seen in Series 2, when it was mistaken for giant spoon and dubbed the Spoon of Interest. Watchers wait to see whether Corbiss will use it to make himself interesting or to dig himself a hole.
Following his decision not to have a biscuit before the meeting, Corbiss becomes hungry and delirious. As he listens to Amber the Gambler explaining Maesandre's pledge to put food in front of starving vagabonds at the beginning of each day - a "strong Hands table breakfast" - he has visions of a giant boiled egg. Moments later, after a supporter has restored Corbiss' Life Force with a crisp, he realises he has cracked Scuttle round the head with the Spoon of Interest. Scuttle is denied bandages on account of his opposition to face coverings.
The meeting gives Corbiss plenty to think about. He is most intrigued by Amber's talk of a magic money tree. Getting hold of one would increase his fortunes and improve his allotment at the same time. A former dungeoneer assures Corbiss he can provide not one but two such trees.
The following day, Corbiss is alarmed to find his allotment overrun with crazy rabbits and coins made of fool's gold. The former dungeoneer, Leo, has given him a bad money tree and a mad bunny tree. At least the rabbit multiplication will help Diane the Abbess with her numeracy.
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During a wander through Level 2, Corbiss the Bemuser finds a bowl of Uppers (as seen in Quest 6 of Series 4) near one of the exits. By blending them with his magic, he raises his support across Winteria and gains a new epithet.
Encouraged by the exit bowl, Corbiss the Enthuser coaxes Queen Maesandre out of hiding and invites her to concede the election. She refuses, insisting that she has been "very clear" (much like ice). After hearing this for the fifth time in a row, Corbiss becomes suspicious and casts a spell that his brother used in Quest 3 of Series 8. Maesandre is exposed as a reconstituted Bimboid.
The Maeboid flees Winteria, careering through a field of wheat and diving into the Forest of Freneville. Later, a group of forest owls is found strung up by icicles. While everybody is fretting over this hung parliament, the real Maesandre seeks refuge in the Rift of Angar (also referred to as the Rift of Anger, or the Ire Land) with a coven known by its enemies as the Dungeon's Unpleasantest People. Watchers wait to learn the nature of a Swiftly Organised Farcical Union with this Coven of the Dungeon's Unpleasantest People - though the abbreviation may give a clue.
Winteria, meanwhile, is in disarray. Its election had no win and everybody is tearier. Corbiss hands round homemade plainberry jam sandwiches and waits to see what is required of him.
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Corbiss the Enthuser is invited to visit a worthy farmer to exchange tips on growing vegetables. While there, he encounters an early morning gathering of peasants listening to troubadours, drinking spring water and breaking up an ice-like sculpture of Maesandre, with nothing left but a digit from her foot. Corbiss decides to speak to this "glass toe" crowd.
As Corbiss talks, the peasants become intoxicated. This may be because their water turned into wine. The rapt audience begins to chant: "Oh, generous Corbiss". When he departs, several trail after him.
Corbiss goes to the local village, where he passes through its one and only marketplace. Some of the worthy farmer's lettuces are on sale, and look delicious, but Corbiss wishes to press on and get a morning meal. Three of Corbiss' hungover followers, who can't stomach a hearty breakfast, ask for romaine in the single market for a soft breakfast. Corbiss dismisses them. They trudge back to the worthy farm for a traditional pick-me-up: relieving themselves in its quicksand.
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Corbiss the Bemuser is under fire. A while ago, he discovered that many former Knightmare adventurers have debts resulting from their applications, travel, lodgings etc. Corbiss yearned to reach across the divide between dimensions - he can walk on water so how hard can it be? - and, after chronicling all the debt in a scroll, he promised to "take care of" it.
When the debts do not disappear, Corbiss is questioned. He presents the scroll, which he has brushed clean. He declares that he "took hair off it".
Puzzled by the outrage this provokes, Corbiss decides to try charming the former dungeoneers and advisors on their home plane. Whilst there, he becomes the star of a Channel 4 game show in which, as a bearded man, he mires himself in red and offers deals without anything much actually happening.
Not to be outdone by his brother, Hordriss joins the BBC. He takes over The One Show, installing Craig Revel Horwood as host and making him change the 'Horwood' to 'Anti'. Marta, who accompanied Hordriss, spends her time ordering fish in the canteen and creating a series of 'Oneness' idents. Nothing suspicious about that.
Back in the Dungeon Dimension, Corbiss' right-hand ogre and financier has been tasked with making Corbiss better known in the New World. The ogre hopes to find common ground with the Dunwold Thump but comes up against Thump's new Head of Spyglasses, Anthony Scaramonger. Losing a duel of insults to Scaramonger and his mucky doggerel, the ogre withdraws to prepare for future conflicts, taking the name 'Muck Doggerel' as his own.
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Ridolfo, an old friend of Corbiss the Bemuser's, has become unpopular. With increasingly lewd lyrics and discordant singing, the Venetian troubadour is causing widespread offence. Corbiss is urged to condemn him, but seems reluctant to criticise the Venice wailer.
Meanwhile, the Dunwold Thump appears to have embraced his new servant Anthony Skaramonger (alternative spelling), awarding him a nickname: The Mun. It turns out that this is to make it easier for Thump to dispel him. Some allege that this was foreshadowed in his full name, which contains the letters AKASH RAM.
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Corbiss learns that Gretel has been having secret meetings across the Mireworld. She'd travelled there on the quiet, using a cart on a track system built by Atlantean miners. Having learned of this "Hiss Rail" trip, Corbiss orders Gretel - OK, asks Gretel very nicely - to return and explain herself.
Across the Dungeon Dimension, spyglasses are used to watch Gretel's dragon flight. Shortly before Corbiss dismisses her, the misguided maid tells him that she was simply trying to get a range of people to answer her question: "Do you think I'm Priti?"
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Corbiss the Bemuser has won admirers among the Queen Greystagg's Grey Sisters. For the latest edition of their regular chronicle, QG, they invite Corbiss to be their "coven star".
Corbiss and his entourage reportedly find the whole experience quite perplexing, displaying little in the way of good humour when faced with Heggatty's interview technique (which seems to involve repeated allegations that Corbiss is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous). Desperate to appeal to the disenchanted, Corbiss resorts to a joke about getting rid of his beard, leading to the headline 'Wit: shaven'.
Maldamay, meanwhile, is trying to deal with the Dunwold Thump. Three encounters with a talking raven from Albion Foremost have aggravated a pre-existing sickness and Thump is spewing poison from every orifice. He sends his own talking raven to squawk at Maldamay and to insist that the New World is doing just fine (as a fellow ogre stomps around outside his citadel with a loaded club).
Unwilling to waste time on Thump's raven, Maldamay withdraws to her neighbouring palace (which, in honour of a newly arrived dignitary, has been renamed Marklehead), giving only a distant irritated throat noise on behalf of the realm. The raven conveys this message to Thump: far cough.
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Corbiss the Bemuser is confronted at his allotment by the Norman inquisitor André Cauchemarr. There are awkward questions about when Corbiss stopped accepting gold from the Opposition to appear in its spyglass communications channel, known as Fear One. Corbiss responds by planting dragon's teeth and withdrawing in the ensuing alarm over a toothquake. They turn out to be false teeth.
Meanwhile, in a break from taunting the Mines of Gorea's "Stalagmite Man" over the size of his reach wand, the Dunwold Thump agrees to be interviewed too. His questioner, Morgan the Pious, starts with some easy true-or-false questions from Series 4 but gets only rants about how much the ogre hates falsehoods. Giving in, Morgan offers Thump a colonoscopy with his head.
Few people have noticed that within the Opposition is a growing threat rooted in centuries past. Unless Maldamay or Corbiss can stop this arcane power, all may have to look upon Moggrees and tremulate...
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In Series 3, a gargoyle asked a dungeoneer:
"On Salisbury Plain long years ago
Men raised a ring of standing stones
Stonehenge it's called, but where is found
The largest ring on English ground?"
According to legend, the men got hungry after raising the stones but didn't know what to do about it - so someone came along and opened a restaurant. Long years later and the restaurant, Zlissgath's, comes under scrutiny when two of its diners fall victim to poison.
The evidence leads to an Opposition-backed alliance of weeping doors and assassins, or 'Rassins' for short. The poison used is identified as Nolicrup, a reformulated wood preserver used only by Rassins. Winteria, the Mireworld and other lands dismiss dozens of Rassins. The talking quicksand of Banburn (which retains the voice of Gavin) bluntly tells the doors to shut up and the assassins to "GO AWAY!"
Corbiss the Bemuser, meanwhile, decides to give the Rassins the benefit of the doubt. He rides to Marblehead, clad in a silver crash helmet, to present the Opposition with a sample of the poison for them to conduct tests on with their usual openness and honesty.
As Corbriss returns, an image of him is caught by a spyglass, transmitted to a crystal ball and shared in a magic mirror by Elvan-Davis, bringer of news to knights. This image is understandably a tad distorted, but to Corbiss' acolytes it appears that the image has been deliberately tampered with to make his helmet look dented like Lord Fear's. There is uproar. Several trolls, typically emboldened by Corbiss, threaten to stage a naked protest wearing only hats.
For Corbiss, there is more to come. He is reminded that years ago, when a Level 2 wall monster was bricked up for spouting anti-elf rhetoric, he opposed the bricking up of this mural monstrosity. Corbiss replies that he didn't listen closely to the wall, even though it had a pretty loud echo. His supporters try to argue that the wall wasn't really being anti-elf: perhaps it was being anti-shelf.
Amidst deep concern from the elves, Corbiss hears that Medusa on Level 3 has been making anti-elf remarks and hurries off to face her. On the way, he is accidentally sat on by one of the larger trolls who is tired from protesting and wants to rest on the grass. While Corbiss extricates himself, he has time to consider whether Avebury is still the largest ring on English ground.
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Corbiss the Bemuser has spent an evening with elves. But it was a rogue group known as Elfire, distrusted for their denouncement of other elvish people as non-elves and their assertion that Elvandis should be "ironed out". Corbiss can't see what all the fuss is about. They even let him wear his hat.
Treguard, meanwhile, is trying to make his mind up about the Rassins. He doesn't know what to make of doors in general. One day he's a man keenly aware of their absence ("there's no door there, team"), the next he can't see when they are ludicrously overabundant (no comment that Series 7 episodes had one set of doors opening at the beginning and a different set closing at the end).
When Corbiss insists that the Knightmare lands have been too hasty in dismissing the Rassins and that relations should be restored urgently, Treguard gives in and attempts the unthinkable: he dispels DISMISS.
Instead of the Rassins being recalled, every dismissed Knightmare contestant is summoned back to the dungeon. En route, several are merged. For example, two dungeoneers from Series 2 and Series 7 become Akash Ram Barry, who is worshipped for everything he does while being mired in poor judgement and dogged by bad advice. He and Corbiss get on famously.
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Corbiss the Bemuser has been inspired by a performance from his favourite troupe of troubadours, the Absurd Lute Boys. As a show of power, he tries to banish the white from his hair. But despite having Hordriss as a brother, he can't seem to turn his barnet red.
Even using a handheld staff to focus on one patch of hair, Corbiss is unable to change a wand's worth. Rival mage Abel the Vincible, now confident enough to change his name back to Sir Vincent the Capable, has a chuckle at Corbiss' expense.
The Bemuser's acolytes continue hoping for the day when his glory will be conveyed by a lush, scarlet mane, but for some reason they are wary of communicating this dream. It's as if they don't trust the manes dream media.
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Igneous becomes more and more outspoken. He claims he is still under the influence of the TRUTH spell cast on him in Series 2 but this does not lessen the offence he is causing. Corbiss the Bemuser is urged to act and, though he is fond of the wall monster's redness, he finally responds by turning Igneous into causeway blocks, hanging in the air. In other words, he suspends living stone.
The living stone has finally dropped out of sight. Corbiss the Bemuser consoles himself by proposing a fayre for all his followers: Corbicon.
The planning begins. Muck Doggerel suggests that as well as music, speeches and plainberry toasties, Corbicon could include games. The Series 3 die-rolling is out - it's already been claimed by Rubicon - so they go for combat chess. However, the bishop is unavailable because he is in the middle of a yearlong sermon about love being powerful. (Remember in Series 4 Quest 2 when the spell ADORE was followed by the spell SLOW? It's a bit like that.) Instead they offer combat backgammon. Unfortunately, many of Corbiss' acolytes hear "gammon" and refuse to come.
Corbiss isn't worried though. Diane the Abbess has been counting the ticket sales and assures him they've sold over three million.
And yet Corbiss' own niece Sidriss hasn't bought one. She also turned down a free one. On a visit to swipe some of her Brain Pills, Corbiss asks Sidriss why. She replies that she will only be seen at the classiest conventions. Corbiss, who mishears her, assures her that Corbicon will most certainly be classist.
The outlook worsens. Only one speaker agrees to be involved, but he won't travel. That speaker is the talking bird from Series 3, also known as Corvid the Accuser.
Corbicon ends up being a handful of people in a dingy Level 2 room with bird poo down the sides - Corbiss, who is oblivious to foulness on walls, doesn't notice - listening to a large crow repeatedly ask Corbiss a rhetorical question about the identity of a stupid boy. The event is hailed as a triumph.
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The dungeon is reeling after a visit from the Dunwold Thump. Queen Maldamay has cast every known cleansing spell on her hand. She gets rid of the gift left by the New World ogre: a set of metal clubs he uses for hitting balls, or golf as it's known. (Treguard was forced to play golf with Thump and to see him leaning too far forward while positioning a ball, prompting the remark "Ooh, arse/tee.")
Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser attends a picnic with some of his comrades. It takes place near a memorial to dungeoneers who fell from Play Your Cards Right. It's later pointed out that a goblin and a troll fell there too. Was Corbiss honouring them? And why was a cavernwraith spread out for use as the picnic blanket?
Elita confronts Corbiss and demands answers. He insists that although he was present when the wraith was laid, he wasn't actually involved. As the questioning continues, Corbiss rolls his eyes, which some take as a prediction of where his life force clock is heading. In fact he rolls his eyes so much that his face begins to ache. Elita revels in the irony, which surprises Corbiss because he didn't think that elvish people could grasp irony.
"No, beanbrain, it's iron we can't grasp," says Elita. "And there's even ways round that." So saying, she puts on a pair of gloves and swings a golf iron at him.
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Few people have noticed that within the Opposition is a growing threat rooted in centuries past. Unless Maldamay or Corbiss can stop this arcane power, all may have to look upon Moggrees and tremulate...
No one is quite sure where Moggrees came from. Some say he and his henchmen were summoned as a side effect of one of Merlin's spells, ERG.
Eager to undermine Maldamay and sabotage her spells, Moggrees plots to replace her cauldron with a Vat of No Confidence. But when he tries to raise funds to buy one, he is unable to get the support he needs.
As a form of eating humble pie, Moggrees is forced to accept a meal cooked for him by Maldamay: a quail stew, prepared in a hole. Corbiss the Bemuser is unable to resist commenting on this, but his description of Maldamay as a "stew pit woman" is badly received. Corbiss retreats into Yuletide community work: organising the Weeping Doors into a giant advent calendar and adorning them with festive wreaths.
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What happened to the Anode of Power used to free Hordriss in Quest 3 of Series 7? Left behind, it was recovered by the grayling also seen in that quest. Later he offered the Anode to Queen Maldamay, plus a contract with the Dunswater Boatman for a fleet of boats even though he has only one. In return, Maldamay gave a place on her Privy Council to this Crass Grayling.
In her latest attempt to release the device's latent power, Maldamay uses an electric eel from the Atlantean National Grid. This backfires when the eel eats the Anode and becomes highly dangerous, threatening the Mireworld and beyond. In defiance of those desperate to avoid this foreboding creature, Maldamay keeps it in a tank on her desk. She issues a diplomatic invitation to Corbiss the Bemuser but he becomes a refuser: he says he won't visit until "Anode Eel" is off the table.
Meanwhile, the Corridor of Blades is under threat. Peggatty has become aggrieved that she can't fireball anybody anymore because they all use the corridor to bypass Level 2. She teams up with Mildread and Mrs. Grimwold to speed up the blades and disable the moving walkway in the corridor - which, as many watchers know, was known to its creators by the name of an airport on their Home Plane.
Maldamay dispatches the Crass Grayling to investigate the crone attack on "Gatwick". In the event, the Grayling can't tackle this head-on, backs away from the witches and inexplicably disappears when they chase him out the corridor. They are later apprehended with the help of Damian of the Green, who had been watching them in his spyglass after misinterpreting the term "witch stick rump".
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The people of Winteria, feeling threatened by other parts of the Knightmare realm, demand armour. Noisy campaigning by the Vote Greave campaign and some Little Scaremongers seem to play a part.
Queen Maesandre decides on the material: an impure steel made of scraps scavenged from the most labyrinthine depths of the dungeons. She presents this to her Privy Council but they reject "Maze Steel": loudly, clear and of course three times. Maesandre's response is to add padding to her proposal parchment, plus a dash of Latin. She puts forward "Mace Steel" and hopes for the best.
Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser is invited to a gathering of Maesandre's critics. Bona fide iocus Beaujolais de Pfeffel is the first to address the attendees. Winging it as usual, he comes out with: "Ah, well, the, er, Winterians should chuck 'er. Um, ooh nasty!" Something about those words offends Corbiss terribly and he storms out... straight into the path of Series 3 dungeoneer Ross who, for old times' sake, lobs an egg.
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Once upon a time, a Grey Sister set out to expose the guilty secrets of the Knightmare realm's most powerful people. She formed a sub-coven and they concocted magic to unseal scrolls and boost the power of spyglasses.
The secrets started leaking out as if someone were squeezing a sponge. Reports of dungeoneers being given second chances; details of the Motley-for-Fidjit exchange between Treguard and Lord Fear after Series 7; a lengthy 'Christmas apology' from early 1991; the revelation that Corbiss the Bemuser was present and involved; a law suit against Hogwarts; shocking evidence of retakes. The sub-coven, Wicca Leaks, became infamous; the witch, Juliana Sponge, became a wanted woman.
Juliana sought refuge in the Fortress of Aquadoor: named for its especially water-stained drawbridge, Doorsomething. For seven long years Juliana continued her work in hiding, using the Cheshire cat Bethsemane to relay messages to and from Wicca Leaks.
In time, the Dunwold Thump grew tired of the threats to his reputation and tasked his minions with finding Juliana. This they did by tricking her coast-dwelling friend, Pamela the Baywitch, into visiting her.
Despite a passable Merlin disguise, and protests by Corbiss and Diane the Abbess, Juliana Sponge was captured. Had the lord of Aquadoor been bribed by Thump to drop his protection of her? It wasn't clear. But at an exquisite banquet in the fortress that very night, the centrepiece was a silver platter piled high with gold nuggets. The guests were captivated; Ridolfo, performing a timeless ballad, declared them to be eccelente.
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Corbiss the Bemuser steps out a shower.
Sorry for the unsettling image. It sounds like a Dallas it-was-all-a-dream rip-off too. Allow me to amend it to something more plausible.
Corbiss the Bemuser steps out, a shower.
This isn't the conclusion of a dream, but Corbiss has been sleeping. More precisely, he's been sleepwalking, oblivious to the turmoil around him, not even roused by the periodic tugging at his strings.
In the five months since Corbiss dozed off, the jester Beaujolais de Pfeffel has seized power, aided and abetted by Moggrees. Desiring an aggressive monk to do his bidding but unable to recruit Cedric, BeauJeau has appointed a Dominican, Muckings. It seems BeauJeau has overcome all barriers - perhaps because every wall and door has now said "Falsehood" so many times that they've fallen apart through sheer exhaustion.
Many dungeon folk are concerned about BeauJeau's intentions. Some fear he is planning to unleash the Anode Eel that was once Maldamay's. Others believe he plans to take a leaf out of Sir Hugh de Wittless' book by teaming up with his new friend Thump to rescue damsels who don't need rescuing. Most troubling of all, BeauJeau has received assent from Treguard to impose temporal disruption on all but himself for an entire month, seemingly in support of a faction who want to leer at groups of owls. In other words, BeauJeau is pro-ogling parliament.
Corbiss, ever keen to pass off vague curmudgeonly indignation as effectiveness, seeks to reclaim power. He hasn't the magic for this anymore, and the Anode Eel has cut off the fresh herb supplies he needs to brew a Power To Rule potion (as seen in Quest 7 of Series 8**). Instead, he casts a spell that would give him temporary leadership capacity and allow him to overpower BeauJeau.
Unfortunately, Corbiss misspellcasts CARETAKER as CAKERATER and finds himself in a faraway tent, judging baked items and listening to tedious double entendres. Can anyone else stand in BeauJeau's way?
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BeauJeau is facing woe. Despite getting his assistant Sajida to promise gold to everyone, many people are pitting themselves against him.
He uses DISMISS more times in two weeks than Treguard used it in two phases, banishing a 21-strong group of nobles who stood against him. Many dungeon folk are keen to strike back when the chance arises, trading a cut-price banishing charm called PLEASELEAVEMYTOWN.
BeauJeau is advised not to talk out of his torus. Mishearing this, he finds a farm and walks out with a taurus. "I'm undeterred!" declares BeauJeau. Moments later, he slips and falls under the bull's active posterior, leaving him under turd.
Despite this mishap, the Dominican Muckings (a brother who hasn't deserted BeauJeau) advises the leader to improve his image by purchasing the bull as a pet. BeauJeau replies, "I'd rather buy in a b*tch", so Muckings goes searching for a dog.
Muckings gets hold of Festus' missing third head - via an old club of BeauJeau's which has been using the head for initiation rituals - names it Gylin (an anagram), gives it four legs and reanimates it. After two minutes with BeauJeau, Gylin's life force drains and its skin falls off, leaving a canine catacombite. BeauJeau runs for his life. He seeks refuge with a group of northern greenwardens but is reprimanded when he tries to recruit them to protect the Anode Eel.
Crazed and desperate, BeauJeau challenges his rival Corbiss to a fight. Corbiss, knowing this to be a terrible idea, refuses. BeauJeau's supporters brand Corbiss a coward, hastily producing a painting where Corbiss appears as a chicken alongside the letters 'CAB'. No one is quite sure what they stand for. Corbiss, A Bemuser? Chicken And Bracelet (as seen in Series 4, Quest 1, Level 3)?
Unabashed by this mystifying slur, BeauJeau tries to emphasise it by recreating the room from Series 2 where Team 5 found a chicken on a plate. The recreation is so faithful that it includes the energy beams that shoot out of the carved lion's head. BeauJeau, badly positioned, is roasted alive. He tries to summon Moggrees, but his ally is having a nap and does not heed his call.
As the tiles around him are zapped, BeauJeau sees his follower, Lee the Doctor, approaching. Lee declines to help BeauJeau, crossing the floor. "Ooooh, blast Lee!" BeauJeau orders the lion's head, but it's too late. He plummets through the floor. How far will BeauJeau fall?
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Beaujolais de Pfeffel, borne back up by his supporters, succeeds in imposing temporal disruption on all the dungeon's decision makers. Maesandre is able to avoid this spell by reinventing herself as a Winterian elder, Lady Hail. With support from Ariadne, she hatches a plan to free the dungeon.
Lady Hail sends BeauJeau a scroll that purports to be from a soothsayer called Jennifer the Accurate. Jennifer offers to meet BeauJeau at the tallest tree in Dunkley Wood, from where he can summon her to tell him the future while treating him to a lesson in bole dancing.
BeauJeau hastens to the tree, where he finds the 'TRICK or TREAT?' scroll from Series 6 and casts TREAT. Suddenly he is bound by webbing and his extremities turn to icicles. He is only restored by Lady Hail when he promises to lift the temporal disruption and remove the Anode Eel.
Corbiss the Bemuser emerges from temporal disruption. Acclimatising to the present day far more quickly than many believed possible, he proposes to defeat BeauJeau once and for the moment by challenging him to a snap election. Once again, Snapper-Jack makes the announcement:
"Snipper snap, snipper snap,
Good luck choosing: they're all cr...azed."
Many people besides BeauJeau and Corbiss are taking part in the election, including Jo the Winsome and Nicola the Turgid from among the Picts. Mr. Forage also shows an interest, backed by the Dunwold Thump and a nun called Ann Widdershins, so called because she wants to help them turn the clock back.
The race is on to choose the Powers That Be's new leader before Merlin starts sending people home for Christmas.
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