[Script] Merlot the Magician
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A ‘drunk Merlin’ scene was mentioned at some point. Here’s my attempt at writing one.
Scene 1 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
The dungeonaut Paul enters a room with bookcases around the walls, a throne and two doors.
DUNGEONAUT
Where is this?
Scene 2 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber
ADVISOR 1
You're in what looks like some kind of study. There's a throne in the middle of the room and two doors - one on the rear wall and one on the right wall.
Scene 3 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
TREBAKE
Ah, welcome to the dungeon’s throne room. The powerful mage who resides here could provide valuable assistance - if you appease him by rising to his challenge of course. However, there doesn't appear to be anyone at home…
Scene 4 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors
ADVISOR 1
Shall we try to summon help using the incantation Labya the Naturist gave us?
ADVISOR 3
Yeah, good idea.
ADVISOR 2
Ok.
(Reading:)
Sands of gold and fields of green
Guide our path to level three
Scene 5 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
MERLOT the Magician leaps into the room. He looks dishevelled and is holding a bottle of red wine. He is very drunk, slurring his words and unsteady on his feet.
MERLOT
Well huzzah! It is I…
ADVISOR 2
(Voiceover:)
Waters of the blue lagoon.
MERLOT
Oh you're still going (walks back off screen).
Scene 6 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 2
ADVISOR 2
Help us find the holy spoon.
Scene 7 Shot 1: Wideshot of dungeon
Merlot leaps back into the room.
MERLOT
Alacabamba! It is I…
Scene 8 Shot 1: Closeup of advisor 2
ADVISOR 2
Robin swift and red of breast.
Scene 9 Shot 1: Wideshot of dungeon
MERLOT
Oh you're joking me. I'm just gonna stand here (stands in corner of room).
ADVISOR 2 (VO):
Come and aid us in our quest.
MERLOT
(Pregnant pause) Is it me now? You sure? There's not another line about a … river of piss or a meadow of…pubes? No? Good! Well, bing bang bollocks, it is I - Merlot the magician! And I do magic and shit. Whoopsie, language! Sorry Susan! Have you met the producer person, the delectabubble Susan? I think she's smashin…
As he talks Merlot sits on the arms of the throne. The chair falls over and Merlot topples backwards. He drops his bottle.
MERLOT
My wine!
Scene 10 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
TREBAKE
(Through nervous laughter:)
Our sorcerer friend may act the fool but do not be deceived for he has the potential to become a powerful ally.
Scene 11 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
With some difficulty Merlot picks himself up before carrying on as if nothing happened. His wig is now slightly askew.
MERLOT
So… who are you then?
DUNGEONAUT
Paul
Scene 12 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the shoulder of dungeonaut
MERLOT
Ah, Paul, Paul, the piper’s son, kissed the girls and… pulled out a plum! So what are you doing here in my…whatever they've made this look like?
DUNGEONAUT
I'm on a quest for the holy spoon and I need to find the path to level three.
MERLOT
(Sotto voce:)
Jesus what a pile of wank.
(Normally:)
Ok! Ok, sorry, sorry. Well Phil, here's how it's gonna go down. You must answer a thing and then I'll say some stuff. Alrighty?
DUNGEONAUT
Yes.
MERLOT
OK…oooookaaaayyy…what is…I've got this…what…is the….biggest…fish…in the…pond?
Scene 13 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
Shot of Trebake looking puzzled/confused.
Scene 14 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
ADVISOR 3
How about the Russian Taimen trout? They can grow almost seven feet long and weigh up to 230 pounds.
ADVISOR 1
Yeah but aren't they more of a river fish? I was thinking maybe the Nile Perch.
ADVISOR 2
Well sure, they're big but they’re extremely aggressive hunters - not sure they live in ponds.
ADVISOR 1
Actually, I think you’ll find they can be found in lakes, rivers, streams AND ponds throughout the Ethiopian region of Africa, the Mediterranean region, the Nile delta and the Congo Basin.
ADVISOR 2
Ok, if you're sure.
ADVISOR 1
Yeah, pretty sure. Paul, say the Nile Perch.
Scene 15 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the dungeonaut's shoulder
DUNGEONAUT
The Nile Perch.
MERLOT
(Pause) Yeah, if you like. So! Here's a little ditty which contains (exaggerated stage whisper:) valuable information. (Clears throat).
(Singing:)
Ooh I'm Keith the little octopus and I live beneath the waves…I've got eight arms and I've got…one head and I'm very, very brave. I live next door to Barry the lobster who goes snip snap with his… things… in fact, he’s a bit of a cunt.
Scene 16 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
Shot of advisors looking shocked.
Scene 17 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
TREBAKE
(Through forced laughter:)
Haha, what a delightful old children's classic! They, er, don't write them like that anymore! (Grins inanely).
Scene 18 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the dungeonaut's shoulder
MERLOT
Right then Pete, now I've scratched your balls will you scratch mine?
DUNGEONAUT
What shall I say?
MERLOT
You wha’? Who you talking to? Oh right, yeah.
Scene 19 Shot 1: Midshot of advisors
ADVISOR 2
What do you guys think?
ADVISOR 3
Well, just thinking about the challengers’ code - good is often found on the right hand side. So maybe we should scratch his right ball but not his left?
Scene 20 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
Shot of Trebake in squinty eyed bemusement.
Scene 21 Shot 1: Mid shot of advisors
ADVISOR 2 (addressing Advisor 1:)
Hmm. What do you reckon - do you think his left testicle could be evil?
ADVISOR 1
Er…well to be honest I assumed he was speaking metaphorically.
ADVISOR 2
Oh ok, yeah. Paul, tell him you’ll do it but only metaphorically.
Scene 22 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over the shoulder of dungeonaut
DUNGEONAUT
I will scratch your balls metaphorically.
MERLOT
Thanks pal. Can you close your eyes real tight for me?
Merlot takes the helmet off Paul, turns it upside down and vomits copiously inside.
MERLOT
Ah, that is fucking Tetley. Cheers mate.
Scene 23 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
Merlot makes to put the helmet back on Paul’s head. The floor manager runs on.
FLOOR MANAGER
No you don't!
The two wrestle with the helmet which falls to the ground. Merlot then punches the floor manager who falls down unconscious. Merlot starts dancing round in a boxing stance.
MERLOT
Come on then you bastards!
A lady wearing a headset walks onto set.
SUSAN THE PRODUCER
Sshh…Come on now, calm down.
MERLOT
Susan!
Scene 24 Shot 1: Closeup of Susan over Merlot's shoulder
SUSAN THE PRODUCER
Calm down. Shhh. Would you Iike a bar snack?
Scene 25 Shot 1: Closeup of Merlot over Susan's shoulder
MERLOT
What sort of bar snack?
Scene 26 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
Susan holds up a packet of Scampi Fries.
SUSAN THE PRODUCER
Ooh look what Susan’s got! Scampi Fries! You want some? Yeah? Come on then! Good boy! That's it!
Susan shakes the packet and backs off screen. Merlot follows eagerly. Paul is left standing helmetless beside the body of the floor manager. Two other crew members come in and carry the body off. One crew member then returns and picks up the helmet of faith.
CREW MEMBER
(Wincing:)
Jesus!
He carries the helmet off. A few moments later he returns with a large brown paper bag which he places over Paul’s head. He leaves.
Scene 27 Shot 1: Closeup of Trebake
Trebake gets handed a piece of paper from someone off screen.
TREBAKE
(Reading:)
Er, time out imminent team.
Scene 28 Shot 1: Wide shot of dungeon
Shot of Paul standing alone with a bag on his head.
A bell tolls for time out.
MERLOT
(Voiceover:)
Last orders! Mine’s a pint!
Scene 28 Shot 1: Wide shot of antechamber
Shot of the advisors pointing at the screen. FREEZE FRAME. The bell tolls a second time.
MERLOT
(Voiceover:)
Bloody hell, give us a chance!
CUT TO BLACK.
END.
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