They would never say...
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Right, Drassil - see Barry Topic
Thank you!
A Dungeoneer has died. Treguard is about to send the Team on its way, when a squad of cheerleaders (including Mellisandre, Gretel, Elita and Velda) cartwheel in and begin to chant:
'Oh dear you have lost the quest
Time to go back to Skegness
Gimme a D!
Give me an I!
Gimme and S!... and M!
Give me another I!
Gimme and S!
Gimme another S!
What does it spell?
Diiiiiiiis-miss! Woo!'
Treguard: 'Ladies, if you don't mind...'
Pickle: 'I rather like them, Master.'
Treguard: 'No-one asked you, Pickle.'
-
Dungeoneer: '...And there's a scroll on the table.'
Advisor: 'OK, read it then.'
Dungeoneer: 'It says... Stop Bush.'
[Pause]
Advisor: 'Alright, take the silver, and the topiary potion.'
Dungeoneer: 'There's a spyglass.'
Advisor: 'Look through it.'
[Michael Howard appears in the spyglass.]
Treguard: 'Ah, Team, this is the leader of the Opposition, for this phase at least. And, rather fittingly, he is rumoured to have something of the frightknight about him.'
Pickle: 'Wasn't it Mrs. Grimwold who said that?'
Howard [looking into his crystal ball]: 'Scargill? Scargill! Where are you?'
-
Treguard: The book, Pickle.
Pickle: Yes, Master. 'Jill stared with thrilled joy into Doug's eyes, turning the air in the boudoir to pure bliss. This, for a day or a decade, was love. As their beating hearts hammered out a treaty of mutual happiness, he slowly took...'
Treguard: No no, Pickle, the other book. The one with the quests?
Pickle: Oh. Of course.
Treguard: "Yes, Pickle, while the advisors are frozen by Temporal Disruption, let's amuse ourselves by putting them in silly poses and using them as coat racks... [turns to camera and the Watchers at home] ... Oh, you're still here? Gosh, what are you still watching this tripe for? There was something good on Children's BBC too. Anyway, don't bother tuning in next week since I'm giving up this crappy job and going to Benidorm with Mellisandre and opening my own tattoo parlour. [puts on summer hat and exits]
And when Treguard gets there, he strokes the paella out his beard, looks out over the water and sighs, 'Ooooh... vast sea.'
[A Dungeoneer got attacked by Ariadne whilst a spell was being cast, and the Team lost. Outside the TV studio, Hugo Myatt bids them farewell.]
HM: 'Goodbye, Team. Sorry about the spider bite. I hope it's not too serious.'
Former Dungeoneer: 'It's OK, Mr. Myatt. I don't feel ill. I'm sure it's fine. Bye. [He shoots web fluid from his wrist and swings away.]
-
Gwendoline the Greenwarden to one of the teams in s5:
"Well, you only got 1 out of three, but you were trying hard and you have the arrow, so I'll just take it and won't kill you. I'll leave that to the blocker."
And another team to brother Mace in s5:
"Prove that you are a monk."
Brother mace: "Oh, alright, you've got me. I'm not. I am in fact an actor wearing a costume. Happy now?"
-
Ariadne: 'Incy wincy human, came into Level One, down came the spider, and bit him on the... oh, the Dungeoneer's run off. I was too slow. Again.'
-
Series 7 Dungeoneer: 'Pickle, Pickle, Pickle!'
[Pickle appears in a flash of light. His arms and legs are tied.]
Pickle: 'Gosh, thank you! The last thing I remember was some sort of gypsy girl hitting me over the head with a staff...'
-
Pickle: Master?!
Treguard: Yes, Pickle?
Pickle: You've...you've...
Treguard: So I've shaved my head, put a tattoo on my arm and grew my beard 'til it was 4ft long. I fancied a change, alright Pickle? You should try an image change too.
Pickle: Well....I suppose my eyebrows could do with a trim.
Treguard: Excellent idea, Pickle! Half the time I don't know whether you're frowning or ecstatic.
-
One team encounter Elita, but the tables turned a little bit here...
Dungeoneer: You are a poor excuse for a cavern-elf I would have expected better from a goblin, too easily bribed, poorly dressed, everyone hates you...
Elita: I'm sorry... snif I'm trying my best...
Dungeoneer: HA! Tell you what... You give me face-ache just by looking at you, even if I have the helmet on it sort of burns through it. God knows how a mirror puts up with it!
Elita: Okay, okay... I'll be nice as possible snif snif just don't hurt my feelings anymore sob
Dungeoneer: If I were your father I'd put you in solitary confinement...
**Were going to stop there for we know what the score here is...
DONT WE? **
-
This topic has been viewed over 1000 times! Fantastic! Â ;D
[Pickle and Treguard look into the camera.]
Pickle: 'Oh, Master, are the Watchers still here?'
Treguard: 'I'm afraid so, Pickle. They seem to enjoy us. Except for one little toerag who switched over 10 minutes ago to watch CBBC.'
Pickle: 'Tracking... [His eyes glow red.] ...Got 'im! A 9-year-old living in Redditch. There's an elf portal 2 miles from his house. [Grabs staff] He's mine.'
Treguard: 'Now, now, Pickle, there are far better ways to resolve this. Hand me that key. [Treguard unlocks a large chest, releasing an army of floating skulls.] Fly, my pretties! FLY!!'
Dungeoneer: 'Can't you get it into your thick skull? I don't want you attacking me!'
Treguard: I fear such dry wit will prove useless against the catacombite, Team.
[The Dungeoneer is indeed eaten by the catacombite.]
Treguard: Yeeesss!! [Sings] Who's not winnin' any more? Who's not... [Clears throat] I mean, oooooh, naaasty!'
[Grimwold clobbers a Series 3 Dungeoneer.]
Treguard: 'Well, Team, it looks like your dungeoneer's become a 'club' sandwich, haha. Wait, don't cry... Oh, not again. Sorry, Team. Better edit that last comment, Tim!'
Majida: 'But Treguard...'
Treguard: 'Madam, for once, just shut up. [Majida tries to speak.] Shut up. Shut up. Shut... up. Indulge in shutting up. Shut up. Get a degree in Shutupology. Shut, as the old saying goes, up. Attain a state of shutupness. Please shut up. Shut the Fear up. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!'
[Silence, except for the dripping of a myriad tears of joy across the nation.]
Treguard: [Getting his breath back] 'And... having thus shut up... cut my toenails.'
-
Fatilla: Tell me or you'll be blipped and then blopped!
Dungeoneer: Fat slob!
Fatilla: Huuuuh!
Dungeoneer: I-I-I said "Good Job"
Treguard impersonating Mildread
Lillith forming a bridge for nothing...
"Okay, fine you have nothing! I'll let you off..."
Mogdread: This is your future play pen...
Dungeoneer: Where are the toys then?
Mogdread: Uhh... Play with the bars of the door...
DUNGEONNER DOES
Dungeoneer: I've never had so much fun in all my life!!! Oh wow this is so cool!!!
Advisors: Starve already!
BOOOOOOONG!
-
(On a day when the rugby is on, only KM is left. Or is it?)
Dungeoneer: Where am I?
Advisors: You're in a room, and...wait, isn't that Queen T-Bag?
Treguard: Um, so it is.
Queen T-Bag: Where are the sunstones of Montezuma?
Treguard: You are too late. Your programme isn't on today.
Pat Sharp: Welcome to Fun house!
Treguard: And you can go away too!
Pat Sharp: Watch it, beardie, or I'll get the girls to gunge you.
Treguard: I bet that's not even a real mullet. (Pulls hair) Look, it's just fake.
Pat Sharp: OW! Stop that! It's real! I bet your beard is fake (starts pulling beard)
Treguard: Ouch! Why you- (continues)
Pickle: Sorry i'm late, master, bu-wha-?
Queen T-Bag: Ooh, I've always liked a man with odd eyebrows.
Pickle: Gulp
Advisors: I think we'd best go home.
Dungeoneer: Hello? Where am I? Where is everyone? Hello?
Announcer of Dangermouse: And so, the sun sets of another adventure. Tune in next week for another episode of Fun-Mare! I mean Knight-mouse! I mean...oh forget it. I wonder if that job as a BBC weatherman is still available...?
-
Lord Fear - "You haven't had much food recently, have you Ben? Well, I hate to see people die, so, have this loaf of bread."
Treguard - "Here, Majida, you sit in my chair now. After all, you are carrying my baby."
Motley - "Hmm, I wonder if it's about time I started telling rude jokes for a change."
-
Elita: Hello! My, you're looking good today. Isn't everything wonderful? But enogh about my opinions. Would you like this green gem stone? Julius Scaramonger gave it to me in a fit of generousity.
-
Treguard: 'Team, the Eye Shield is currently at the blacksmith's for repairs, so here instead is the Nose Shield. Now, when you find a spyglass, hold it up in front of the Nose Shield, and we'll finally be able to discover what aftershave Lord Fear uses.'
Pickle: 'If any.'
Little Miss Muffet: 'Where am I?'
Little Jack Horner: 'OK, LMM, you're in like a room with a rocky ledge, and just ahead of you there's what seems like a low stool of some kind. There's something on it so can you walk forward? ... Stop. Can you see the stool?'
LMM: 'Yeah. I think it's a tuffet.'
Little Red Riding Hood: 'What's on it?'
LMM: 'Some food... whey, and curds.'
Treguard: 'Caution, Team, don't dally in this place; danger is approaching.'
Little Tommy Tucker: 'OK, put the food in your knapsack.'
[Instead, LMM sits down and begins to eat the food.]
LRRH: 'What are you doing?!'
LMM: 'This is my favourite food, I'm not gonna shove it in a bag, alright?'
Treguard: 'Warning! This is Ariadne's lair...'
[Ariadne has crawled over to LMM. The Advisors scream at her. LMM gets up and away just in time.]
[Fidjit comes up to a Series 7 Dungeoneer.]
Fidjit: 'Hello there, Fidjit's the name.'
Dungeoneer: 'Look, Mr. Valentine - or may I call you Paul? - why don't you just: creep back to your dressing room; slip into your Motley outfit; come back; and we'll say no more about it, eh?'
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