They would never say...
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[A dungeoneer uses a spyglass. Lord Fear realises he is being watched.]
Lord Fear: Well if it isn't whatshisname, on the quest for the...
Dungeoneer: ...Cheap car insurance.
Lord Fear: For Goth's sake! Will you people stop bothering me?
Dungeoneer: But I thought you'd be able to help me.
Lord Fear: Nope. Not me. Not here. Wondering if Sir Hugh was more helpful than Rothberry? I can help. Pondering whether Ah Wok ever had wittier wordplay than I? This is the place to find out. But not for wretched car insurance. Treguard, if you're listening, tell your little pests to get it right. Comparethemarkknight.com, Comparethemarket.com. Simples!
[Elita sees the Bimboid.]
Elita: Hullo, ace fake!
[Lord Fear is standing next to the Pool of Veracity and Lissard.]
Lord Fear: Hi, I'm Lord F. I was in my lair one day, minding my own business, when a huge dragon fell on me. I needed a new start. So I thought, why not keep what worked and change what didn't? The tried and tested communications technomagic stayed; the office assistant went, and now I've got one with full mobility who does what I ask when I ask. I'm a PC, and Series 7 was my idea.
-
Treguard: Now, Pickle, have you got the knapsack?
Pickle: No, it's just the way me trousers hang.
-
Merlin: "Hang on a minute. Four of you, one of me, dangerously low Life Force? I make that VIMs o'clock."
[A Series 3 dungeoneer enters a room with a giant snake in a pit.]
Treguard: "Warning, this is the Lair of the Dreaded Kar!"
Peter Kay [Oh yes, I forgot to mention that Peter Kay is one of the advisors]: "Don't worry, mate, it's not moving. Probably from the joke shop."
Treguard: "No-no, the joke shop shuts early on Fridays, and the Dreaded Kar is a big, real venomous snake! If its tongue touches your dungeoneer, there will be mindbogglingly extreme Life Force damage. That is why it is to be dreaded!"
Peter: "Kar lick dread?"
[The dungeoneer tilts his head back to try and see Kar. Treguard protests.]
Peter: "Oi! You know you can't do that. If there's owt to see, I'll tell you about it. So shut your eyes and trust in me."
Treguard: "That's it! I have had it with these Oedipal expletive snakes in this Oedipal expletive Dungeon!"
Treguard: "This is the Crazed Heifer, team. But it's not innkeeping with the village's rustic aesthetic."
-
Intruder alarm sounds
Lord Fear: Darn it! I could have sworn I set this to vibrate!
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http://www.knightmare.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=39&t=752&p=13777#p13777
Treguard: Ooohhhh, Nazi!
There is now a YouTube video, humorous in intent, connecting Hitler to Knightmare. I won't link to it directly (it contains some swearing) but I'm sure you can find it if you wish to.
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Aesandre: Lord Fear, your courtship grows tiresome. I have snowmen in Winteria more appealing than you.
Lord Fear: How dare you? I... I don't know what to say.
Aesandre: Try expressing yourself through 1980s popular music lyrics.
Lord Fear: I must say, Queen Aesandre, that [gets up and sings, with backing music kicking in] 'You're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice our love...'
Strictly speaking, that's 1977 - but hey, it's by one of my favourite bands, and Lou Gramm is such an amazing singer . . .
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Douglas: (to Motley) Look out! There's a snake behind you!
Dungeoneer: (to Assassins) F&%# OFF!!!
Bragwen She: He is the messenger of the gods... And the measurer of temperature... Name him!
Dungeoneer: Michael Fish?
Bumptious: Pink!! Are you bloody serious?! It's not a frickin' cosmetic its an explosive! Stop watching them stupid s%£#@y MaxFactor ads!! And the answer in case you didn't realise (because I wasn't banking my hopes on it) was Falsehood... Black! You know, like the night sky when you can see absolutely eff all, the opposite of white, which is mixed with red to make fricking pink anyway?! Was indeed the truth I sought... Now on your way through that pink door over there... oh hang on a minute! Its black isn't it?? Who heard of a pink door that leads into total pinkness!!! Sod off now pinky!
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Bumptious: Pink!! Are you bloody serious?! It's not a frickin' cosmetic its an explosive! Stop watching them stupid s%£#@y MaxFactor ads!! And the answer in case you didn't realise (because I wasn't banking my hopes on it) was Falsehood... Black! You know, like the night sky when you can see absolutely eff all, the opposite of white, which is mixed with red to make fricking pink anyway?! Was indeed the truth I sought... Now on your way through that pink door over there... oh hang on a minute! Its black isn't it??
Black! Like the endless blackness of space, that leads to the chasm of clams!
-
Treguard, to a team hesitating in the Series 2 guillotine room:
"GET TO THE CHOPPER!"
-
[A dungeoneer meets Mrs. Grimwold in the wellway room and tells her their quest object.]
Mrs. Grimwold: Never mind that, dearie. I've got a quest for you. I can't seem to find me cooking pot in all this mess. Can you 'elp old Mrs. G and find it?
Offscreen Voice #1: Don't bother, dungeoneer. The ogre's looked all over for it and it's not here. We're inclined to doubt its very existence.
Offscreen Voice #2: Yep, Mrs. G's pot is a myth.
Mrs. Grimwold: SHUDDUP, FESTUS!!
-
These are a set of crossover-type things they would never say. Can you guess what they are referencing?
BROLLOCHAN: What are tarts made of?
DUNGEONEER: Pepper, mostly.
BLOCKER: Password!
DUNGEONEER: Mornington Crescent.
BROLLOCHAN: What is that root?
DUNGEONEER: Mandrake.
BROLLOCHAN: I hunger!
DUNGEONEER: Lemon curry?
BROLLOCHAN: I hunger. You will give me knowledge. What is your name?
DUNGEONEER: [insert name here], the Dungeoneer.
BROLLOCHAN: What is your quest?
DUNGEONEER: I seek the sword/shield/cup/crown [delete as applicable].
BROLLOCHAN: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen Smirkenorff, the Dragon?
DUNGEONEER: Too quick for you, mate!
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Oracle: 'Near a tree by a river, there's a hole in the ground, where an old man of Aran goes around and around... The third step is the-'
Dungeoneer [replacing helmet and muting the Oracle]: 'Ah, crystal clear! We can work with that info. Let's make a move, guys.'
Oracle: "The first step won't hurt at all. The second only makes you wonder. The third will have you on your knees. You start bleeding, I start screaming. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming..."
Treguard: "That sounds like propaganda, team." [It is.]
-
Treguard: Don't fear Pickle. No one will ever take this show, hack it up, make a half assed college project out of it and call it after a recycled level name from the hit shoot 'em up game Halo! No one can possibly that insane!
Advisor: Don't take the chicken Leo... It's past its use by date!
Treguard: Make haste team, I'm dying for a dump!
Apologies for bumping this I really missed all the fun times
-
I say, how wonderful jester's corner is. I might make my home here. Muahahahahaha!
These characters would never say...
Sir Hugh de Wittless: Tarah! Tarah! Haloo! Haloo!
I've had enough now I need the loo!
Hordriss: waves hands around WICKED! WICKED! JUNGLE IS MAHSIV'!
Rothberry the Apothecary: wanders around J-J-Jive you a spell? No way foo'.
Aint nobahdy gat tam fo dat.
Gwendoline: Yeah I know I have a 4x4 and it burns petrol, but do I even care!?
Gretel: >:-] Muahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHA! cough! Cough! Wheeze! ><
-
Neil's advisors in series two:
"Great work team. We certainly cast a shroud over our opponents with our triumph in the Annual County Spelling Championship. This will put us in fine fettle to take on the Knightmare dungeon."
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