They would never say...
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Advisor to dungeoneer in the COB
Ok when I say now I want you to jump REALY high.
The Boatman: Hi there, get in its free Im a decendant of St Christopher you know. Its shallow and you could walk across but its full of pee, syringes and used condoms.
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As Theseus said to Ariadne, this has turned out to be a fantastic thread!
Here goes:Oracle: 'Near a tree by a river, there's a hole in the ground, where an old man of Aran goes around and around... The third step is the-'
Dungeoneer [replacing helmet and muting the Oracle]: 'Ah, crystal clear! We can work with that info. Let's make a move, guys.'
Pickle [bringing Treguard a cuppa and a Custard Cream during a quest]: 'A new blend of tea for you, Master: PG Tips.'
Treguard: 'Hmm, it's advertised by chimpanzees; I wonder if that's a reflection on the taste? Let's see if it's the 'cuppa that heals', 'ey, Pickle?
[Sips the tea at the same moment as the Dungeoneer falls to his doom.] Oooooh, nice tea!'
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Pickle [bringing Treguard a cuppa and a Custard Cream during a quest]: 'A new blend of tea for you, Master: PG Tips.'
Treguard: 'Hmm, it's advertised by chimpanzees; I wonder if that's a reflection on the taste? Let's see if it's the 'cuppa that heals', 'ey, Pickle?
[Sips the tea at the same moment as the Dungeoneer falls to his doom.] Oooooh, nice tea!'
That's much better than what I would come up with any day!
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Mrs G: Hello Deary, I would threaten to set my Festus on you, but it turns out he was a rare breed of three headed dog. He made us a fortune at Crufts and we sold him off to a dog kennel. But dont worry I can still threaten you, get him Grestus!
kitten rubs dungeoneers leg
Treguard: Warning team massive life force drain!
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Mrs G alternative: Well, deary - I would threaten to set my Festus on you, but it turns out that at the beginning of the series, he had three heads; before my hubby bit one of them off. Then had two heads, but still the same three personalities and barking voice ranges. During the intermittant period of phase shift, my hubby got so fraught by the exploding dungeon that he bit the other off too. Now poor old Festus had one head, with the three personalities; so all I can say is look into the crystal ball; know that Festus-spirit will inhabit the to-be dead red dragon at the climax of S6 and return resurrected in S8 as Bal-Shebah, UNDERSTOOD!?
Good.. coz I didn't.
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Series 3 Goblin: 'Well, actually, Julie - hey, hey, stop it, you guys, I'm trying to talk to the Dungeoneer - our skin gets pretty flaky, without natural light and a proper diet and what have you; so if you could get us some moisturiser - it doesn't have to be too fancy, just a decent-sized bottle from a reputable shop - that'd be great, and we wouldn't have to, like, kill you.'
Adviser: 'OK, Julie, tell the goblins you don't have any moisturiser, but would they like...'
[Treguard chews on his knuckles]
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Hordriss: Yo yo yo Dungeoneer, like my new medallion? Dontcha think its totally bling. Now I is wantin u 2 bring me back a bit of crack.
Dungeoneer: Puts on helmet
Treguard: Now Majida, now!
Majida: Whacks him over the head
Dungeoneer wakes up to find himself on a slave ship
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Treguard; "Now you are ready for your quest. That is if you dont want to change your mind now?"
Dungeoneer; "Erm, well, as you come to mention it, I do! I mean I just saw the last guy die, I thought he was gonna win, but now, I know have no chance at all! Sorry to waste your time!"
Treguard; "Err, right, erm yes, ok! Pickle, you'll just have to go instead!"
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[Dungeoneer is sliced on the Corridor Of Blades]
Treguard: My gosh, one of the blades got him!
Pickle: He's bleeding quite badly, Master. Both halves.
Treguard: Oh *?@#! Pickle, get down to the Anglia TV Canteen - I believe the Friday serving lady did a First Aid course. Quickly!
Adviser [crying]: Is he gonna be OK?
Treguard: I don't know. I don't KNOW! [Lifts one arm of his chair, to reveal a phone handset. Dials.] Yes, Ambulance, please...
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Series 8...
Treguard: Quiche force fading...!
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Treguard: 'Enter, Stranger!'
Voice from behind wall: 'What, pass through a solid wall? I'm a prepubescent kid from Taunton! Magic's your department!'
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