Musical Parody

A tribute to the Knightmare Series 1-5 opening sequence. Based on New Moon on Monday by Duran Duran. Official audio Take to the settee, switch on the TV ITV, not the other side Guard the remote and take no chances Up to 4:45 I hear it again Ed Welch's theme, amazing As the knight begins his ride He needs to make it to the portcullis I can't wait 'til he's inside For the horse it looks tiring As if it would ever mind It's game on soonish Our curtains drawn, we're waiting for the Full moon on Mondays Then on Fridays, '89 We slayed the schoolday with a show that was divine [x2] Real, animated, it's the best of both worlds A programme you can't despise For five series, he keeps riding Under the full moonshine Changed intro, last three series As if we'd forget the knight 'Twas fine cartoonish Our curtains drawn, we waited for the...

Treguard is in the antechamber with a new team pre-quest. He sings this to the tune of Return of the Mack by Mark Morrison. Official video Well, I'm trying to start the quest But the team is unimpressed "Please equip our dungeoneer: Treguard, have you all the gear?" Got the clipboards, pencils three Helmet from the armoury But the knapsack isn't here It's lost somewhere I fear There's one, you see And I need it back for each new quest Just one, you see For all quests, for all quests A scurrier Should have brought it back to me by now [As Treguard is singing, in scuttles the scurrier: a mini catacombite holding the knapsack in its jaws.] Oh hurry up What a pest, what a pe-e-est [Treguard has taken the knapsack to put on the dungeoneer.] Return of the sack (There it is) Return of the sack (Game on) Return of the sack (On we go) There is no turning back (Here I am) Return of the sack (Once again) Return of the sack (More of a bag) Return of the sack (Head below) There is no turning back (Off you go) So, the sack is in the game (Guzzling food) And the knapsack is its name (On Knightmare) From a German word or Dutch Don't suppose it matters much You'd better keep your life force fed Because ooh-nasty's after red So stow some grub to make it green There's no need for a latrine You shall not see There's no looking round or turning back So ask these three Where am I? Where am I? Your energy Needs to stay a face, not be a skull You might then reach Level 2, Level 2 2 2...

After Team 8 of Series 3 meet their doom, Motley joins Treguard in the antechamber and sings this to the tune of Believe by Cher (1998): Though you may think you all tried When the "knowledge is denied" Then you won't get through And down to Level Two Didn't save my bath night Didn't choose your path right And after all is said and done Your riddle score was only one, oh Why did you leave the armourer's glove? Didn't learn its use from Brangwen Shee I really don't think you knew enough, no [x2] Know what he's supposed to say Onward is "the only way" And then after that That there's "no turning back" But if you'd retreated Before you were defeated You could stopped a huge disgrace A good adventure gone to waste, oh Why did you leave the armourer's glove? Didn't learn its use from Brangwen Shee I really don't think you knew enough, no [x2] Well I know that I missed bathtime Melly told me that I pong I said "Let me tell a joke" She said "Use my smelly soap" I said "Can a fella hope That it comes with a little rope?"

A song about watchers becoming invested in long-running Knightmare quests. To the tune of Loco in Acapulco by The Four Tops (1988). Official audio Growing partial down in Knightmare Castle If you stay too long Yes you'll be growing partial down in Knightmare Castle The magic down there is so strong Feel the pressure of riddles from the wall Life Force draining from teams and floors where they could fall If you're afraid to watch, afraid as they advance You'd better change the channel, switch over while you can 'Cause you'll be growing partial down in Knightmare Castle If you stay too long Yes you'll be growing partial down in Knightmare Castle The magic down there is so strong You can hear Hordriss reeling off those cod-Latin spells Magic items lost and found Leaving broken parts of cups and crowns 'Cause you'll be growing partial down in Knightmare Castle If you stay too long Yes you'll be growing partial down in Knightmare Castle The magic down there is so strong You'll be pulling out your hair seeing Treguard's stare When there's temporal disruption in the way of Knightmare Your search for paradise has reached the weekend And you really wish for Friday again You'll be haunted by the face With skin that leaves no trace Memories of dungeoneers Trying to be knights, bearing frights Was that the best part of your life? Hearing them ask "Where am I?" Begging them to please Please don't die Don't die No! Don't die! Don't die!

A song about Lord Fear being spied on, for the first time, by Team 1 of Series 5 ("the bee team") - using what Motley had called "the old Norman" in the previous quest. Based on the first verse and chorus of Voyage, Voyage by Desireless (1986). Official video; Official clip of Knightmare scene Au dessus de Niveau Deux Ca, ce n'est pas un verre grossissant Voyeuses, voyeuses Subrepticement De tavernes en tanières De chemise jaune en espionne jeune Voyeuses, voyeuses Avec bouclier Ses regards peuvent tuer Ses yeux fatales Regarde ta force de vie Voyeuses, voyeuses Plus loin que Merlin et Mogdred Voyeuses Vous verrez le chef d'opposition Voyeuses, voyeuses Son nom, il s'appelle Seigneur Peur Voyeuses Avancer l'aventure

To the tune of the Queen song '39 from 1975. In the year of '89 assembled here the dungeoneers In the days when the channels were few Here the kids stepped out into the bluescreen studio The dungeon's sights never seen And Ross followed James There were riddles, spells and games And the floors paved (holes aside) Down many a corridor; vales to cross; the Mills of Doom None turned back, many feared, many died Do you see your goal, though you're many rooms away Have you fear of falling through? Say the letters of the spell Now it's Friday, find a well Though you might not get past Level 2 In the year of '89 came a chap called Martin Toole A dungeoneer whose home was York And he brought good friends, and a punk joke that was corn As a ghost, he'd float and not walk For the phase is nearly done, surely Martin would have won But for entomology Beetle knowledge they did lack, here's their killer dressed in black Morghanna's zap, that's a wrap, couldn't flee Leo Smith did fall though not many rooms away He was near to winning too Treguard's letters: different spell To acknowledge they did well He was using UNITE for a few Don't you hear Mike Cule? No he's many months away He'll be here in Series 4 And before that were 12 teams In a year of doom and dreams '89 Still the best Series 3

A parody of One Night in Heaven by M People (1994). Official video One sprite three levels, one sprite three levels One sprite three levels, one sprite three levels Sometimes I get to thinking of dungeoneering days Ending in dismissal when the life force flaked away So scary watching Knightmare, so much tension on the screen And Treguard there reminding that life force wasn't green Just one morsel, sprig or spell Took their health to a place Where it had armour and skin on the face One sprite, one sprite One sprite, three levels Then they chucked you They gave us a pie Are they clowns? Was that why? One sprite, one sprite One sprite, three levels They dismissed you You showed us the life force Although you weren't live When teams encounter problems, try to flee in vain The sprite becomes more skull-like, we do not see a brain Peeling lead to pealing: a bell and beating heart They would really spoil this if it became a tart One last look: the eyes roll out of place You're the ultimate sprite So awesome to view, such a dutiful face...

About the Gatemaster schene in Quest 3 of Series 5. Based on the first verse and chorus of Rush Hour by Jane Wiedlin (1988). Official audio On my way to Level 3 In the helmet, I can't see Can't make out the sights in chromakey A guard is blocking my way now Stopping me from going down Sullenly, I'm told I'm going through There he stood Maybe if I saw his face I'd know he's also Brother Mace I had a brush With thee, Michael Cule Arriving at the Gate Tower Ooh you scare me You're standing at the Gate Tower Not too friendly You're guarding at the Gate Tower

Lamenting the absence of Michael Cule's Series 4 (1990) characters. Based on Killer by Adamski and Seal (official audio), which happens to be from the same year. I wasn't sure I'd parody the whole thing, but then I saw 'future kings' later in the lyrics... Brother [Mace] Fatilla On a lonely quest you're not filler So you want to be free To be in quests away from Level 3? Without you, can we cope Miss your 'tache and silly rope It's too cruel You're not here Come back, Cule So we can hear the Latin Sozzled merry brother Is there still a part of you that wants to quip? Stocky hun Fatilla Is there still a part of you that wants to blip? On Knightmare, a pub monk Is there still a part of you that wants a drop? On Knightmare, Fatilla Is there still a part of you that wants to blop? Like your card You are the Rex And you claim victory Sozzled merry brother Is there still a part of you that wants to quip? Stocky hun Fatilla Is there still a part of you that wants to blip? On Knightmare, a pub monk Is there still a part of you that wants a drop? On Knightmare, Fatilla Is there still a part of you that wants to blop? Mace is in gamebook The Future King and you can meet in the inn He provides all your lost equipment later on if you help him

Alternative first verse: The behemoth has been But can Kelly get out? Got to sketch a wellway on a paper sheet There's a "skeleton head" And the quest has been lost And they'll see the level below It's quite harsh, Series 3

The other day I realised that "Brimful of Asha on the 45" could be changed to "Trip to the castle when she's 45". But sticking to Knightmare, here is a full parody of Cornershop's Brimful of Asha - The Norman Cook mix (1998). There's dungeons and more on blue screens Into the tavern scene: Dickon and team Later Jeremy, Giles, Christopher From the castle to the forest to the inn: Crazed Heifer Trip to the Heifer, Series 4-5 Well it's a trip to the Heifer, Series 4-5 Trip to the Heifer, Series 4-5 Well it's a trip to the Heifer, Series 4-5 And extras, they serve in the inn And Melly's in the inn: Zoe Loftin She's the maid who plays with the jester And the one who Dickon lied to about old Colchester Trip to the Heifer, Series 4-5 Well it's a trip to the Heifer, Series 4-5 Trip to the Heifer, Series 4-5 Well it's a trip to the Heifer, Series 4-5 Every tavern needs a Molly and a Milly Every tavern needs a Molly Every tavern needs a Molly and a Milly Every tavern needs a Molly In Series 4-5 And Kelly, negotiating goblins and the "skeleton heads" Didn't get a hint to pick up the crayon And that made her a victim For the ogre to prey on Grimwold met Kelly and she couldn't thrive Wellway? No - Grimwold met Kelly and she couldn't thrive VIM for some others helped them stay alive Wellway? No - Grimwold met Kelly and she couldn't thrive Everybody needs a crayon, not a Grimmy Everybody needs a crayon [x4] Or your Life Force will dive Big fall for Ashens and the end arrived It was a big fall for Ashens and the end arrived Big fall for Ashens and the end arrived It was a big fall for Ashens and the end arrived Every comeback needs a Hugo and an Isy Every comeback needs a Hugo [x4] And Melly and Motley And Milly and Molly And Kelly and Grimmy And crayons and drawing And Hugo and Isy And Ashens and YouTube And Slice Me and Dice Me And dropping, ooh nasty Knightmare and Anglia

Thankyou, a combination of having minimal free time, real life events and sheer frustration at not getting one to feel right has been the reason for my absence here. Hopefully now inspiration has finally broke through it can continue a little sooner next time.

Jamie (Series 2 Team 9) reflects on how his quest went awry. Based on the Baked Potato Song a.k.a. Thank You Baked Potato by George Dawes a.k.a. Matt Lucas. Video of original performance on Shooting Stars Automatum wrecked my quest Automatum got in the way Never mind the choice between left and right When mechanical men aren't kept at bay Collect the bits, make a spell Here comes Automatum Now I can't, run like hell Into losing status And maybe if we'd quested for the Cup The mechanical man would not have messed it up Maid in webbing: liberate No reward though sadly Spider's here to seal my fate Curse you, Ariadne I didn't lose because I wasn't bright It's because I can't move at near the speed of light A-U-T-O-M-A-T- [Karen from Series Team 13 interrupts] R-U-S-T Automatum!

This is about the five uses of a certain spell in Series 3 and 4. Based on You Might by Nik Kershaw (1984). Audio Level 3 in Series 3 Past the stained glass window It is not DISMISS you'll get For an almost-win though Imagining what might have been If you'd got the riddle Had you known of Avebury Bombardier or Hercules UNITE for a dungeeoner Who faced Mogdred with no fear But missed the path out of here UNITE after you dropped UNITE if you're Martin Toole Who came far from shark in pool Morghanna zapped fire so cruel UNITE after she shot Free the fool, take Malice down When her face has your way barred Get UNITE and give the crown To Merlin and to Treguard And if a phase shift cuts you off Could get UNITE also No time to win but never fear You're going home with Christmas cheer UNITE if you're Dickon Hares Your FLIGHT spell, Chris, goes nowhere Giles might be caught unawares Yuletide (except it's not) U-N-I-T-E You're on ITV

Series 3. A team gets to Level 3 and Treguard gives them advice to the tune of The Bare Necessities from The Jungle Book. Official clip. Inspired by the discovery that Rayner Bourton (Skarkill/Julius Scaramonger) has narrated The Jungle Book. [Treguard] Look for the sprig of energy The simple sprig of energy And when you see one, hurry: they're not rife I mean the sprig of energy That's somewhere here on Level 3 And touch it for the energy of life Wherever you wander Wherever you roam All this is the cellar Of my great home With millions watching on TV To see if you win Series 3 So do look out for the magic plants And then advance Don't be in trance Then wait a mo or two [Advisor] Magic plants? [Treguard] You'd better believe it And you're going to love the way they flicker The life force energy increase will come to you Will come to you Look for the sprig of energy The simple sprig of energy And when you see one, hurry: they're not rife I mean the sprig of energy (Not sure what plant it's meant to be) And touch it for the energy of life Now if you meet Mogdred And he gives you a scare And to you a sword sped Will next time beware Don't fear his sickening stare any more If he summons Kaa Try to reach the door But if you've paths without a door And you have to pick from a choice of four Then I hope you have a clue [Dungeoneer takes helmet off and sees chromakey void] Golly, that's b-lue! [Advisor #1] Doors, doors... er, and how about the wizardry? [Treguard] Somewhat patchy. Fools risk defeat And so you'd better be an ace at riddles too And answer true And answer true [Advisor #2] How about getting a great deal bolder now we're down here, OK? [Advisor #3] Yes, we should scare slower [Advisor #1] Yeah, Knightmare, that's it [Dungeoneer mesmerised by the bluescreen] Ah, this is beautiful... [Advisor #1 making notes] Right, scarce food Guys, we need to get to a sprig when we're in a rough patch [Dungeoneer] There's lots of dungeon blue... [Advisor #1] Right, onward. Yeah, let's be fearless. [Muttering as he writes] Mmm. And let's find a sprig [Treguard] Well team, you are sounding driven So don't try turning back, don't do it Keep your guard in my backyard 'Cause this is no First Level kitchen And if you don't react You could end up charred As you spend your time looking around It's enemy folk who may be found Like cavernwights and the dread Morghanna There'll be no elf to bring a banana And Merlin's spells are few A sprig of energy is what will succour you And that's the lot. Well, I hope your pluck holds out...

In memory of Bill Withers, a parody of Lovely Day (1977). Audio When I wake up in the morning, team And the sunlight hurts my eye And Pixel without warning, team Jabs me in the behind Then on Level 2 Team 2 erred: I make them pay Leaves me feeling new And I know it's gonna be A lovely day... When the dungeoneer's alive and well Clap my irons, say my bit But his team cast a HERO spell And in comes a chinless twit Then I look at Hugh And decide I will not stay Wish I'd had a clue That it wasn't gonna be A lovely day... When a great hobgoblin treads on me And Lord F's tyrannical And when panipes are my enemy And defeat my manacles I try not to sob Then a dragon falls on me Ah, that's it for my job Was it ever gonna be A lovely day...

I believe I've now written over 200 of these Knightmare song parodies. This one is based on the longer version of Twist in My Sobriety by Tanita Tikaram (1988). I've included links to relevant (official) clips where possible. Official audio; lyrics via Google [Series 4 Quest 1] All the children need travelling shoes For adventuring here Three remain; there's one they choose To be the dungeoneer I see you walk, child To be the dungeoneer In the clearing where you pause for now Victory's miles away I like to think you will not be killed If you respect what I say I have a riddle And also it's my first day Helen, my name is Brother Mace Were a thousand ships launched by your face? Here a tavern monk is what I be We are sworn to insobriety We are sworn to insobriety [Series 4 Quest 6] Meeting Dickon, it went very stale The Etruscan brandy gave me scales [Series 4 Quest 8] Late in Series 4 my cards were free Tim'd smile: I raised a three [Series 5 Quest 1] I don't care about the different woods Dunkley, Wolfglade: same to me On the logs we play our game If I win then there's no shame Look at Sly, I'll defy his scams Look I've won, I've drawn Rex from my hand Come on, Hands and have a drink with me I am sworn to insobriety I am sworn to insobriety I am sworn to insobriety [Now to an earlier quest in which a card game is mentioned: Series 3 Quest 6.] Series 3, the year before, yeah Time to free a maid, a maid, a maid Monster's stomach Soft and porky You pig out 'til you feel the egg Pig out 'til you feel the egg Ross's team, they reached the wizard Where they answered well "Just like in the card game," he said He gave to them a spell He gave them a spell Look it's Ross, Gavin, Shahzad, Fu Look they need to get through Level 2 Though the spell they didn't get was FREE They used TWIST and got to Level 3 They used TWIST and got to Level 3 Look McGrew is an advantage Look ahead: there's Mogdred on the bridge Then Morghanna and her evil glee Then dismissed they were from Level 3 Then dismissed they were from Level 3 Then dismissed they were from Level 3

An uncertain dungeoneer is faced with a clue table that includes a glove made of a metal mesh. His advisors encourage him to take it by referring to previous quests such as Series 6 Quest 3 and Series 3 Quest 3. Based on Chains of Love by Erasure (1988). Lyrics, video How can I decide when there are four things I can choose? How can I decide which ones get chosen? Do you remember there was a time When Lord Fear in the quest was thwarted hand in glove in hand? He tried to reach out with his talons Make a grab for Alan Gauntlet stopped his grab-on [image: leveltwogauntlet.jpg] Throw it down, wear it or hold it Together we'll take this chain-mail glove Pick it up, pick it up Together with one other object, take the chain-mail glove Do you remember once upon a time When there were open doors? A long evasion of Grimwold And they threw the gauntlet down for Velda Then Grimwold beheld her They're hardly Link and Zelda [image: levelonevelda.jpg] Throw it down, wear it or hold it Together we'll take this chain-mail glove Pick it up, pick it up Together with one other object, take the chain-mail glove Together we'll take this chain-mail glove How can I be sure when there's a table full of clues? Why is it the glove which should get chosen? It could be used to hide a bad scab Stop things getting madcap Be the Hand of Atrab Throw it down, wear it or hold it Together we'll take this chain-mail glove Pick it up, pick it up Together with one other object, take the chain-mail glove...

To the tune of Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer (1998). Original song "DISMISS" said by the bearded master Knightmare, beside the blue blue screen Swerve swerve... there's the spinning blade Look at your shoes as the spell makes you fade, oh DISMISS away from the hearth and firelight Leaving without a usual door Lift your chosen hand Wave to the man and take the path for home Silver Spurs squandered Ooh nasty DISMISS out of the antechamber It seems you met a fate so dire Whoosh, whoosh, that's the end of that But how will Treguard get the clipboards back? Oh...

To the tune of the ABBA song Lay All Your Love On Me (1981). Official audio, Original lyrics I was so zealous in Series 2 I didn't notice the potions were all nameless brews Not that inventive, we saw it twice Without a name, potion bottles are a dull device Yet we saw even more In Series 3 and 4 And 6 and 5 Oh man alive It's such a bore Do go naming every potion Way down to Level 3 In Series 5 came some surety We saw a potion which had a name: Impurity And now the labels could make us think Though did we need one that had 'I am' and added 'DRINK'? A thirsty dungeoneer Who's far too young for beer Can ditch the Sprite And down True Sight To make things clear Do go naming every potion Way down to Level Three Don't go titling creams and lotions Drinks it has got to be But naming was open to misuse Just who came up with the bright idea of Goblin Juice? And do we know how Fast Backwards worked? It rewound time itself, sort of, with logic shirked Now mix calligraphy With creativity And give each phial A touch of style For us to see Do go naming every potion Way down to Level Three Don't go titling creams and lotions Drinks it has got to be...