U kno sum1's been messing w. the dungeons when...
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Here are a few facts about Treguard that you may not know. Yes, I admit I took them from another site and simply replaced the words "Chuck Noriss" with the word "Treguard", but I think it works.
Everytime a child laughs, Treguard kills a bad guy.
Treguard keeps his beard trim by running through barbed wire fences every morning.
Regardless of race, sex, gender, location, or education level... at one point in your life you have underestimated Treguard. You will live just long enough to regret this.
Treguard invented the moon. Twice.
Unlike Mr. T, Treguard doesn't pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.
If you try to say Treguard five times, as fast as you can, your head will explode. If it doesn't happen to you, you're not saying it fast enough.
Treguard tells time by staring directly into the sun.
Gravity only exists because Treguard allows it to.
When Treguard helps you jumpstart your car, remember: beard is positive, fist is negative.
Treguard rode in to town on Friday, stayed 3 days and left on Friday. His horse was named Justice, and he can control the spin of the earth.
Treguard invented the word "fabulous" just so he could kill anyone who uses it.
Treguard could have been a lumberjack but he was too manly.
Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Treguard’s house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Treguard practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while "It's a Hard Knock Life" plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say "Thank you, Mr. Treguard." in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence
When Treguard plays "Guess Who", he doesn't ask any questions. He stares at his game board until all the pieces flip down in fright, except for one. And that one, without fail, is the person you chose.
If you put a picture of Treguard on a record and play it backwards, you'll hear the Rescue Rangers theme song followed a raspy voice that says, "7 days." Seven days later, Treguard will explode into your home and raid your refrigerator.
When reading the Bible, if you substitiute "Treguard" for "God" or "Jesus" it makes much more sense.
Treguard is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The only thing that keeps Treguard going is the fact that somewhere, someone is watching Chucklevision.
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Lord Fear emerges from Marblehead dressed in huntin' tweed and carrying a shotgun. Lissard is at his heels. Lord F strolls off to the swamps. When he gets there, Lissard dives, hissing, into the reeds. After a few seconds a duck emerges, quacking. Lord F shoots the duck which plummets back to earth. Lissard pops up holding the ex-duck by the neck. Another duck appears. Lord F shoots, but misses. As the duck flys away, Lissard pops up again, sniggering. Lord F growls and shoots at Lissard Ineffectualy.
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The only thing that keeps Treguard going is the fact that somewhere, someone is watching Chucklevision.
It's probably Billy.
I was astonished when I heard about Barry Chuckle's romance scandal last year, involving saucy emails, a motorway service station rendezvous with a married woman, and a vengeful spanner-wielding husband.
Moving swiftly back on topic...
Hordriss changes his calling name to Yes, and wonders why Melly and Motley keep summoning him in the middle of the night.
Hordriss changes his calling name to More, and wonders why Andrea True Connection keeps summoning him.
Hordriss changes his calling name to Shanti, and wonders why T.S. Eliot keeps summoning him.
A dungeoneer enters the first room of Level 1 in Series 4, and a large book, titled 'Finnegan's Wake, Dubliners and Ulysses. Adapted for stage by the author' falls on his head. Pickle cries out, "It's the plays of Joyce, Master!"
Just after Scott from Series 3 falls into the void in Merlin's chamber, Ned Ryerson from the film Groundhog Day pops up and says, "Watch that first step, it's a doozy!"
[Originally posted Sunday 21 May 2006, 18:12]
The antechamber is taken over by Hordriss, Grimwold, Oakley and Scaramonger, furious over their lack of paternal rights and protective headgear, in the name of Fathers For Helmets Of Justice.
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When as a team are about to fail a quest Barry Scott walks on and says...
"BANG, and the quest is gone."
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Lord Fear starts hiring Agent 47 to take out the dungeoneers.
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A dungeoneer's body is intercepted by the CSI team, who attempt to work out the circumstances surrounding the death.
The CSI theme song would naturally be altered to: 'Wheeeere am I? Where, where, where, where?'
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A dungeoneer is pushed off down the track in the Series 3 mine cart. Then the Naked Gun theme starts playing. The mine cart hurtles through the Corridor of Blades, the Crazed Heifer, the antechamber, Dunkley Wood, the Series 3 monster's intestine, part of the Series 1-5 opening sequence, a KMVR tunnel, Wolfenden marketplace, the Vale of Vanburn, a bomb room and other assorted KM locations, before coming to a stop in Level 3 as the music ends. The dungeoneer scrabbles around in the cart for a sick-bag and ends up using the knapsack.
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Snapper-Jack gets bored of just posing riddles and creates his own theme song, "Napping Time".
Napping Time
It's what we're here for
Napping Time
It's what we cheer for
Napping time...
And so on.
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Some more random Chuck Noriss facts shamelessly edited to incorporate a Knightmare theme.
Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Treguard.
Treguard doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Treguard can taste lies.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Treguard's sweat.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Treguard finds it delicious.
Treguard can split the atom. With his bare hands.
Treguard can slam a revolving door.
Treguard once shot down a red Dragon with his finger, by shouting, "Bang!"
Treguard invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Ed Tudor Pole invented pink.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Treguard.
Treguard has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
Treguard actually built the stairway to heaven.
Treguard is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Treguard was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a moustache. And a head.
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...Knightmare becomes a cookery show.
"Hello, and welcome to Sift & Blend with me, Gordon Ramsay. Later, I'll be with Gretel in the kitchen, trying to get her to realise that you don't need to cook any ****ing toads to make toad-in-the-***ing-hole. Stupid bnt. I'll also be meeting Fatilla, a complete ****ing oaf of a man who survives on a diet of ****ing sheep droppings, gold ****ing bars and the occasional horse. **** me. But first, I'll show you how to make a ****ing great pie that anyone can enjoy, providing you actually ****ing eat the thing and don't use it as a ****ing Life Force clock."
Pickle: "Do you wish to make a joke involving my name, New Master?"
Gordon: "No, **** off."
[Apologies for the implied strong language.]
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After dungeoneer January is kidnapped in Series 6, the Powers that Be receive a letter from her, talking about how well she's being treated. She then appears on the magic mirror, praising the Opposition's hospitality. After several days, Lord Fear announces that he is releasing January as a "gift" to Treguard, but takes the opportunity to criticise the Dungeon Master for sending children into the Dungeon. January comes home and sells her story to The Quest.
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